Butterfly

Apologies this is a long post I need to work through some things that have been running about my head.

In a few days ex A will have been gone 1 year and it's been a real struggle, as you all know. There have been days where I've felt ok then days where I struggle to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.

I have taken the week off work and initally when I arranged to be off I planned to spend Thursday in bed, self pity mode, then I was offered to go out for lunch with my mum and then other arrangements came about this week and today is the only day I have with nothing to do. I decided to take up every arrangement and make the most of my time off.


The last few days I have been trying to focus on the good things. The other day I watched my kids playing with the dog and messing about with each other and I joined in, it felt so good to feel relaxed, happy and have fun with my kids. No worries about him shouting because the noise was annoying him and the dog was going mad. I was relaxed I wasn't stressed about dog hairs everywhere, as I would have been when he was at home. I think I just lived in a constant state of anxiety and felt so stressed. I wasn't worried that if someone got hurt accident, there would be shouting, as was the case if he was messing about with DS and DS hurt him, all hell broke lose. I no longer have to stand between ex a and my children if he was shouting at them or give them a look to say don't argue back for fear it would set him off more. They couldn't have their say with him, he was always right, if he thought they were lying then they were even without any proof. He was right we were wrong!!

My home is so much more relaxed and happy. I realised that there are other things that I am happier with now I'm not living with him, and I even had a friend to mine for dinner last night and I cooked, I've never done that before, had friends over and ordered takeout but ive never cooked!!

I have been trying to process my feelings of hurt, anger, rejection and abandonment not very well some times but recently when I think about him and what he's doing and why I keep thinking, not my monkey, not my circus, not even sure if the saying is right but it's stuck lol.

I am trying to apply the same thought process to him as I did my mom, who also abandoned me repeatedly. Through lots of counselling I came to terms with she had her own issues, depression and a bad relationship with my dad, she couldn't be the mum I needed or deserved because of her own issues but that didn't make her behaviour my fault or because I wasn't good enough. They were her issues not mine. Just like ex A he had many issues before I even met him, many from childhood, he used alcohol and drugs to block things out and this became his coping strategy throughout his adult life and he became an alcoholic. This wasn't my fault or because of anything I did or didn't do, this was who he was before I met him and at times he appeared to have it under control, but didn't. Again he couldn't be the husband I needed or deserved, that's his issue not mine.

I am trying to forgive my mum and rebuild a relationship with her, I'm not ready to forgive ex a and im not focusing on forgiving him only myself.


For 18 years he's been at the centre of a frozen lake, the one person I want to be with more than anything who I love. All the while I'm thinking if I could just get to him quick enough I could save him from falling through the ice. Every time he abandoned me, whether he left physically or emotionally the ice cracked and got thinner so I changed my thinking, who I was, thought of new ways to get to him to save him from falling through the ice, not realising that I was on the cracking thinning ice and risking myself falling through and now I'm surrounded by cracks. The only way to get of the lake is walk slowly, not run, focus on the cracks and repairing what I can for me, take in what's going on around me, figure my life out, making a better life for my kids and myself and focus on getting of the frozen lake one step at a time and onto solid ground.

If he wants of the frozen lake he has to do it himself.

I have actually felt, dare I say happier the last few days and really tried to keep my thoughts of him, but today I'm feeling sad and tired. I honestly never thought my life would end up the way it has, as im sure none of us did. When he walked out last year I never thought I would reach this point, I thought my life was over and I honestly couldn't survive without him. For me marriage was for life and love was enough and could fix anything, I was wrong. I need to learn to love myself and fix myself.

I have learned that I can survive without him, I'm only beginning to recognise now how abusive my marriage was. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and stronger than I ever realised, I have 2 wonderful kids who are my world and although I'm no a perfect mum I think I'm a pretty good one, as my DS said to me the other night as he invited me to his birthday party that his gf was throwing for him "your an alright kinda mum you can come if you want" from a 17 year old I take that as a compliment lol and it made me feel good because I am. I love my kids and would do anything to make sure they are happy and safe.

Sorry for the long post and I know it may not make sense, my thoughts are all over the place. If you got this far thank you for reading.

redatlanta

I think these are fantastic revelations! good for you!

Yes, you survived when you thought you couldn't. And, yes you were in an abusive marriage and didn't realize it. Isn't it wonderful to have freedom? Isn't is wonderful not to have worry about being yelled at or managing the explosions of your ex?

I was at a clients house the other day doing some work. I don't know a thing about these folks they are in their 30's and have a 2 year old and a 6 mo old. The mother had to BEG the father to watch the children for an HOUR while I worked on her. The entire time he yelled (screamed, exploded) at the top of his lungs at the 2 year old as she did what 2 year olds do. The mother never flinched. I did. I thought to myself my God 1) that poor kid and 2) how does Mom listen to that everyday because I am sure its every day. I wanted to stick my blow dryer in his mouth and tun it on high.

Peace is a wonderful thing.

Butterfly

Thanks Red, lol I have an image of this man with a hairdryer in his mouth lol. yes freedom is wonderful, my anxiety has lessened significantly, still have periods and periods of obsessive thinking but I think I may have turned a corner the last few days and I am trying really hard to manage these thoughts

hopeful4

I am so proud of you to have these realizations! I hope you enjoy every second of your vacation and with your friends and family.

XXX

Butterfly

Thanks hopeful. Know what else is great there have been times where I've gone some time without thinking about him then I think wow I haven't thought about him for x amount of time. Lots of you said I would reach that point, never thought I would lol, so it's nice.

SparkleKitty

Really proud of you, Butterfly!

Butterfly

Thank you sparkle. Don't know what I've done though as usual I just post what I'm feeling and thinking lol

Hawkeye13

Get yourself some hiking boots Butterfly--those long-awaited mountains are just ahead

huntingtontx

Wow Butterfly. It sounds like you are finding your wings. Being CO dependent sucks. You are doing great, and it sounds like your kids are too. Happy for you.

SeriousKarma

D@mn you, Butterfly, Now you've got me crying and I need to go fix my makeup.

They're happy tears, though. I have so much faith in you. I can't even begin to tell you how happy it makes me to see you valuing yourself this way, and seeing yourself the way we see you.

Butterfly

Hawkeye I was thinking about those mountains on Saturday watching the kids playing.

Thanks hunting, I really am taking it one day at a time

Lol Serious sorry you had to re do your makeup �� Thank you these thought processes are so new to me but I like it ��

LexieCat

Butterfly, you're turning into a--well--butterfly! It's hard shedding that ugly old cocoon (there's a reason they talk about "cocooning" when they mean shutting everything out to comfort yourself), but being a free-flying butterfly is a happier, more rewarding existence.

You'll still have those tired, sad, angry feelings, but they will be fewer and further between, and less intense with time. I think you are doing AWESOMELY. Just remember to be PATIENT with yourself when you feel down. It will pass.

Good job!!

Butterfly

Thanks Lexie. My counsellor and I were talking about this tonight how I've been hiding away, protecting myself, self soothing but that im starting to little by little re enter the world again. We also talked about the days when I feel so sad I just want to hide away. I've noticed that if I was feeling ok I became so scared as I knew the next day I may be awful, so I dreaded feeling good. I am learning and accepting that I will have bad days and I need to manage those as well as I can but enjoy the good days. This has been the longest period of good days I've had so I am making the most of them lol.

I know I will still have feelings of anger and overwhelming sadness, I still have so much to process and have only come to terms with the idea that my marriage was abusive, not the same as others here, but it is something I have to work through aswell as feelings buried so deep.

I accept I love him and always will but its not enough, I need to focus on my recovery and feel happy.

NYCDoglvr

Kudos on your realization and also keeping active, which makes a huge difference in terms of our mental state. Some of the best advice I got was "compare yourself to yourself", which shows we're making progress.