BethN

i'm a newbie here - this is my first post. my husband is an alchoholic, and spent the first two years of our marriage lying to me about his alchoholism, manipulating me, and being emotionally abusive. over that time i tried lots of different ways to try to bring us together and often ended up in dispair. recently he confessed to me that he had a problem and is in AA as well as individual counseling. he had hit rock bottom.

he's making huge improvements in his behavior, drinking, etc. he is no longer controlling in so many ways, and has given me freedom with a lot of things that i never had before. the main feeling i'm experiencing is that within those two years i fell out of love with him. i don't want to be with him, to have sex with him, or even spend time with him. he's going overboard trying to get me back ~ sending flowers, cleaning the house, asking me how my day went, washing the dogs... the whole bit. i just don't love him and am concerned that my experiences with him have left me feeling that i don't want anything to do with him.

i do feel like i have forgiven him and i want the best for him. i do experience anger from time to time but honestly if he told me he met someone else i'd be happy for him. he's in love with me, but i don't feel the way towards him that a wife should feel for her husband. i love him as a person, but not as my husband. i am attracted to other men and fantastize about what my life would be like on my own.

i guess i would appreciate it if anyone else has experienced this. i feel bad leaving just as he's getting better (this all went down early july). but at the same time being in a loveless marriage is just miserable...

Gabe

Hey Beth,
Being in a loveless marriage is miserable.
All you can do is be honest about your feelings.
Marriage doesn't work when it's a one-way street.
Tell him how you feel.
It's going to hurt his feelings, but at least you will be dealing with what's really going on.
Gabe

redrose0729

I understand where you are coming from. My exhusband was not an alcoholic but was very mentally abusive for years and once he had killed all the feelings of love I had for him it was very miserable to stay with him. I like you wish him the best he is remarried now it did not take him long. I think he is alot like his dad which explains why his dad is in marriage #6 and is miserable in it also but he is afraid if he leaves this one he will be screwed and he will she is a minimum wage worker married to a man that makes over 100k a year. OK I am drifting......I was trying to make things work with my ex because of the children mainly the oldest one ( his favorite ) the other one got treated like crap. But I was falling to peices so I started planning to leave him I wanted to wait untill school was out because I did not want my oldest going to 3 different schools in one year. My parents bought me a car. He put the one I had on a loan note and let it get repossed. Man oh man did he do a complete turn around when he found out I was leaving . He pretty much gave me what I wanted in the divorce and I worked with him on the child support issue ( he should be kissing my butt for that ) . Most men would be very thankful to only have to pay $250 a month for 2 children. When I left it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I finally got the courage when I realized I could make it on my own that I did not have to keep taking the abuse. I too did not want to be with him , and the thought of him touching me was ughhhh. Although he thought I was being mean when I left him I think it was more fair of me to leave him . It left him free to find a woman who could love him. I think maybe being sent to the school of hard knock did him some good. I hope so for that poor girls sake . I am not telling you to leave or stay that is your decision and yours alone , no one can make that for you. You are not alone keep coming back and posting and let us know how you are doing.
Rose

greeneyes67

I'm just wondering if you have a program of your own? I have seen many couples reconcile in the program and I know it works. It sounds like he is trying.

Maybe you should get some help for yourself. It's really changed my life. I never thought I could love my partner again but I have found it again.

Good Luck. Hugs to you

BethN

thank you so much for sharing.

i do have a therapist and she is helping me to develop myself and know and love myself. the emotional abuse i took from my husband really damaged my self esteem. it feels strange to say that because professionally i am extremely driven and successful and i have wonderful friends. from the outside i am sure no one else looks more self assured. but i am learning that my self esteem has been shot as i find it difficult to trust my own decisions and feel confident in what i want and need.

my husband knows how i feel and is hoping that he will be able to win me back somehow. our marriage counselor seems to think romantic love can be recreated. i'm skeptical.

greeneyes, care to share your experience? you mentioned that you thought you would not be able to love your partner again but you were able to. what was that process/journey like for you?

Teggie

((((BethN))) welcome! I am glad you found us! I am curious, have you tried alanon yet? I think you will get alot of much needed support there and can start the road back to reclaiming you. You need to work on you right now, exploring yourself, your feelings and your thoughts. Helping yourself will help you see things in a much better light. I can't say if it would be best to leave or stay, only you can decide that. What I can say is rediscovering yourself may put things in an entirly different light for you. Beleive me the reality of being on your own is a whole different world, be prepared, really prepared before you make the leap. Get in touch with someone you haven't seen in awhile....YOU. Many hugs, let us know how your doing, Tegiie

greeneyes67

Beth:
What I found is that the 12 steps worked for me. They worked because I had tried everything else and was ready to surrender. I had given up. And I started the process of looking at my part in my life and my relationship problems. I began to make amends for the wrongs I had done instead of playing the victim and allowing others to have all the power over me.
I also began doing things for my partner even though I didn't feel like it. Like leaving notes, calling to see how she was, planning dates. She started to feel important in my life again.
When I made amends, I also forgave myself and I also learned what it's like to forgive others because I saw how generous people were with me. It was hard to hold on to all that resentment because of abuse when I worked the steps thoroughly. Alanon, my sponsor, and the steps were the key to me getting my life back and feeling love again. Hope you find your answer.

Love and Hugs to you!

Jessicams

I know exactly how you feel. I don't know how many times he would promise me that things would get better and he wouldn't use again. He would be real nice to me and do more around the house and buy me cards and stuff. That always seemed like the calm before the storm. As soon as things would seem normal and we were doing ok, he still had his personal problems that would always sneek back in his head. Now I am at the point that I have put this wall up because I don't want to get to close just to get hurt again. I have done it too many times. I don't believe anything he tells me. I do love him too as a person but just not as my husband. I may one day forgive him but don't know if I will ever forget the hell he has put me through. Right now I'm having a hard time detaching from him because I worry too much about he will feel. He'll give me a kiss or hug before he goes to work, and can't get the nerve to tell him that it makes me feel uncomfortable and that I wish he would just leave me alone. He says he has hopes that things will get better and that this time is it. I am not attracted to him the way I used to be. He has lied to me, stole from me, destroyed any trust I had in him, I can't rely on him for anything, and he has drained us financially. I have tried to explain this to him but he just makes me feel guilty and says I don't understand him and just want to take the easy way out. He thinks that just by getting help and never using again, our relationship will be fine. He doesn't seem to understand or maybe admit that I have fallen out of love with him. I'm am stuck right now as to what to do. Everytime I tried to leave, he made me feel sorry for him and he quilted me back and so now I have alot of resentment and also beat myself up over it. He has destroyed alot of my things by either burning or smashing them and has tried killing himself many times. Talk about being controlling and manipulative. A lot of people have recommended going to alanon which I haven't done yet. I think because I'm scared. I wish you luck in your journey and just remember you're not alone.

BethN

next friday i'm moving out. AH knows - he even offered to help me move but that makes me feel uncomfortable. i need to be alone right now to work on my own healing without him leaving flowers and gifts every time i turn around. i need to begin to feel comfortable in my own skin, regain my self esteem, and to learn to love myself. its amazing how someone else's dysfunction can make you so dysfunctional. maybe we will work it out, maybe not. we both have some pretty serious work to do.

i feel scared but excited. we're going to have dinner once a week to see how things are progressing. i am just taking it one day at a time right now.

donald1960

If you think with the next relationship you will always have the in love "feelings" you are in for a rude awakening. Sure they're great but love is a decision more so then a feeling. Its a decision you must make every day. Marraige is a commitment. You have trust issues and rightfully so. Your H has dissapointed you tremendously. Now the harder he tries to win back your love he is pushing you further away - this is all quite normal albiet frustrating to both parties.

Marraige has cycles, sure the romance stage is great, creating life togeather, also great, buying 1st home/apt also great and everything is great.

Remember your wedding day. Through richer or poorer, good times and bad, sickness and health.... think hard about that. These are the bad times They pass. All relationships come to a dissalutionment stage. Its not a time for haste. Marraige is not supposed to be disposable. If he is iin recovery, has been a good H otherwise you might wanna step back and think on this or just let go and let God guide you. remember he's the 3rd partner in your marraige.

Lusting after other men/women is completely natural. President Jimmey Carter admitted to it in a interview once. Acting on it - infedelity is a totally different story.

These issues are relatively fresh. I'd like to recomend a website WWW. save our marraige .com it has a 75% success rate! Program 's name is Retrouvaille. Its a worldwide org. Marraige councilling is somewhat like 3% on its own but I'd recomend it too - along with this program.

It sounds like you are affraid of makeing a rash decision - so don't

If you do all you can to save your marraige one of 2 things will be the outcome.
1. Your marraige will be saved and there will be times where you feel in love again and certainly others when you don't "feel" in love. Feelings are just that - they come and go.

or 2. You will know you did everything concievably possible to save your marraige and will be guilt free about decideing to end it and have peace of mind for your efforts.

Love is always patient, always seeks truth, doesnt anger easily, doesnt hold onto grudges, keeps no record of wrongs, always has faith, always has hope, endures all things, LOVE NEVER FAILS! from Corinthians

Think of if things were reversed, Alcholism is just that, an ism, its a disease. would you want to be bailed out on if the roles were reversed? Do unto others as we'd have done onto ourselves comes to mind.

Look at your husband as a gift from God and you may see him in a different light. Be patient - the answer will come but not in haste. Pray for the right decision.

cant stress the "feeling" thing enough. If thats what you expect - and to be happy ever after - your gonna line some lawyers pockets with more then the proceeds from this divorce.

Bellesarius

Beth,

I don't have many answers for you, but I do know what it's like to be on the other side of what your experience. My wife of 13 1/2 years, who is a recovering alcoholic (got sober two years ago, relapsed hard in Feb) decided in June that she wanted a divorce because her love had died. i was devestated. I had tired since Feb to win her back, to treat her differently, I entered al-anon and worked hard at my recovery. Too little too late it appears... we'll see.. perhaps the final chapter isn't written.

What I do know is that sometimes we let our emotions get the better of us. We want the thrill of being in love and mistake that for real love. Real love is an active choice and requires us to engage our will. Can I recommend a book? it's a book called "When Love Dies". I don't know your situation and I'm not attempting to advise you to stay or go. What I do know is that sometimes you don't know what you have until it's too late. You may also find comfort in a book called "Forgive and Forget" which will help you to forgive your husband. Forgiving your husband doesn't mean that you have to stay with him, but for your own good you need to forgive him. He was sick. Alcoholics are sick people that do incredibly hurtful and stupid things without knowing it. They grapple with even more serious self-esteem problems than you could probably imagine.

My recommendation is to take your time, don't make any serious decisions quickly. It's going to take some time for both of you to get some clarity and honesty. Run don't walk to al-anon, it will will help you deal with your self-esteem issues and how to learn real relationship dynamics. Don't throw in the towel without seriously weighing your options. Ultimately, it's your decision, make the best one you can.

Hope this helps some.
Cheers!

greeneyes67

Good Luck Beth. Sometimes separations can help. Just not for me. Hope you find your answer and stay in recovery.

Love ~Lenn

cwohio

(((beth))) - good luck and it sounds like lots of good information from the posts above.

gosh you are all such great folks with so much help and sharing! thank goodness i hit bottom and found SR and al-anon!

cwohio

Cap3

Hey Beth,im going to talk here about myself,if i may and share some of my experiences,so far...See if you can relate.What ive found to my surprise is that self-worth,cannot be verified by others.The first word in self-esteem,or self-worth,self-love, is the word......self.......So it can only come from self.Not other people...When,my hubby put me down,i never challenged what he said about me.I believed him.Felt bad about self.Tried to change self,time and time again to please him.Didnt work.Here i was changing,,and he was not.Made me mad...grrrrr.My hubby as i saw it before my own recovery was mentally abusing me.,all the time.Day and nite.Like he was doing a form of brainwashing on me.Until i gave it up,and decided not to play anymore.,and go for my own recovery.What he was doing,was giving me,what he felt about himself,,had nothing to do with me at all.Every mean word,he said,,is how he felt about himself.But i was the one,who,recieved it.I had to admit,i had no self-esteem.People,cant take away from me,something that i never had inside myself to begin with.My worth is determined by,God,and what i think about myself.Not others.If it was about others,it would i think be called,,other-worth..lol,,not self -worth,self-love...smile..I felt i was unworthy before i met him.No self-love at all.And here i thought i was giving to him,what i never had inside of myself,,and that was love..And i measured back then, how much he paid me back,for all my love,kindness towards him...Expectaions..I gave only to receive,,i see that today.So,he only added to the fule of fire,,of what i thought was true of myself,deep down.,when he"d come ranting at me..Thats why i recieved what he said about me as truth..I always thought others knew better,than i.And that was that i was unworthy..stupid,,no self-love,etc...Self-love,doesnt demand the love of others.It comes from self...So,work,needed to be done,here..on me.And MY,part.,in our marriage issues..Its "nice" that others love me.Its nice that they validate me,,but if i NEED,this all the time,im the problem here not those who dont dish it out to me.,on demand.No one can make me feel bad about myself,,without my permission.Today when he or others say hurtful things to me,i ask myself,,are they true?If not i let go.If so,i decided if to make changes.Ive learned to seprate my actions from my self-worth,self love.Like i learn in both AA and al-anon,to seprate the drinking from the man/women...This is their actions,,not who they are..Today im able to see that sick folks,,talk sick..I dont see abusive anymore.And its not what they say,,its what i do with that,,that counts.And i learn, to focus, through recovery programs,,working on...self...In the BB,,it says,,so our troubles we think are of our own making.Here i find this to be true.I have choices,to either take what others say so very seriously,and beat myself up.,or them,up,for saying what they did..Or i can shrug my shoulders,and continue with my day.And if what they say bothers me,,work program,use the tools..,.Call my sponsor.read my books,Go to meetings,,help another,Trust God....As im working growing to my surprise i find that getting out of...self,,,and giving to others,without any expectaions of returns,comming back my way,,yupper even hubby,,,lol..,brings back to me,,all those things that i wanted inside of me.Self-esteem,,self-love,self-worth..,etc.....
Thanks for letting me share,my experiences,of my recovery,,so far...And its only through God,and programs that i was able to get out of ,that kind of mental,sickness.,that i had,had even before i ever met my hubby..
Take care!!!!!!!!!!!!
Beth you and your hubby are in my thoughts and prayers.This can be the best journey of your life.And his too.One day,At A Time....Remain open...