Bro

I’m the non-combatant type … don’t like conflict or fighting, never have, never been good at it. My alcoholic brother is just the opposite, and dealing with him means constant conflict.

I’ve tried to detach, and for the most part do but he can affect me pretty readily when he goes on attack, as he is today. It’s typical crap, but mostly based in our (my sister, myself and my Mom) decision to lock him out of Mom’s property because of his behavior.

When he starts in and he’s usually very aggressive, my heart races, I get flush and anxious, and I’m frankly not very good at fending off the onslaught. I just don’t like how I react to this verbal abuse and am having a real hard time shaking it and growing a backbone.

I believe to my core what we did was necessary, but I realize this will be an issue from here to the end of his days. I don’t want harm to come to him, but I really find myself wishing this was over, one way or another.

I don’t know what I expect from posting this. I know the reasons not to let it get to me, but it still does.

lillamy

Hey Bro,

This sounds very familiar to me:

I think that's very common for those of us who have dealt with people who are aggressive and on the attack, like your brother and my ex. I can't do conflict at all anymore, and it sucks.

Is there a reason you have to be in contact with him at all? Are you protecting your mother from him? Was there an event that led to this, something you can use to get a protective order against him?

Bro

He's never physically attacked any of us. He feels entitled to full access to Mom's property (Dad's shop and garages). He's recently divorced and is storing his stuff in Dad's garage. My sister is living with my Mom being her caretaker, and all he has to do is ask for access, but that's too much apparently.

Am I protecting Mom? Yes, but mostly emotionally. Mom is to have a major surgery on Friday, yet he spent 2 hours last night 'visiting' her to bitch about the situation, and how my sister and I are manipulating her, and how he deserves all the access and we don't because he helped dad more than we did building the place. It's become an old song, but he is so aggressive ... always has been but it's really his way now.

SeriousKarma

Hi Bro,

Sometimes we just need support, plain and simple. I'm glad you posted.

It sounds like your brother is willing to wage a war of attrition, and is basically trying to wear you all down with his bullying until he gets his way.

Are you, your sister, and your mom on the same page?

LexieCat

Around here, we have a word for the nonsense that alcoholics spew--it's called "quacking." If, instead of thinking this as an attack on you that you must fear, you imagine him as a rather large and noisy DUCK (think the AFLAC commercials), it will take a lot of the sting and fear out of the situation. I used to also keep in mind the constant idiotic statements that would come out of the alcoholic's mouth and say, "OK, here comes #5 statement, #23 will probably be next, and then he might segue into #4...."

The key is to understand that it isn't personal, it isn't something you need to defend against or justify. It's just what alcoholics do to enable them to continue to get their way.

Bro

Karma - yep, that's what it feels like, bullying to try and wear us down. He's threatened to change the locks, and I don't care, we'll change them back. My mom and sister even offered a minor compromise giving him full access to his stuff as long as he's civil, but he rejects it. We'd rather he didn't hang out there, so I'm not sure that should have even been offered.

Yeah, the 3 of us are on the same page, but we all waver some and are all exhausted by it all. I'm 200 miles away, but my sister said last night really had Mom worked up. I just know I'm heading down there to support Mom thru her surgery, bit I also know there is a fight waiting for me when I get there. I've got a voicemail full of angry messages right now because he can't get to the charger for his drill, ugh. He's lucky Mom allows him to store his stuff, and he can wait till she gets home from physical therapy.

Thanks Lexie, I'll try to think that way, see if it helps. Statement #5, #23 and #4 really hits the nail on the head. Heard it all before, but gawd, would he just shut up?

knowthetriggers

This made me giggle - because they usually don't.

Totally not laughing at your situation.

I wish you all the best! Keep coming back.

torquemax777

I don't know how to forward SR threads here, but on the lines of what Lexie said, when you get a chance and need a breather and a good laugh, search for the "Quacker's" thread here. on SR. It will give you a great laugh and an image of what to do the next time you have to deal with his "quacking".

Bro

Thanks torque, I'll look that up. I need a good laugh right about now.

SeriousKarma

Also Bro, to tack on a bit to Lexie's thought on Quacking... Remember, Your brother understands exactly why he's in this situation, and why you all have made the decisions you have regarding him. These are the consequences off his actions. It doesn't require any further explanation on your part.

All of his quacking is just trying to get you to lose your resolve and shift your position. You can buy a pack of earplugs at the drugstore for around five bucks. Might be a good investment.

Bro

Thanks Karma, that really does help. The earplugs are not too shabby of an idea either