MsGrace

I married a very nice man a few years back, who I knew was alcoholic but had been sober for 15 years. He had a successful career, a loving family, and a few quality friends. I was happy.

2 years after marriage I started hearing things that to me were crazy and irrational. Complaining about the 20 minute drive to work and him wanting to quit this great job for that. "tired" all the time. No longer wanting to do anything. I could not relate to or understand any of this. He was of course, in the beginning stages of relapse.

My answer when asked why I married an alcoholic in the first place was "I trust my instincts about people. My intuition has never led me in the wrong direction." I believed him to be a healthy, functioning productive adult. The big fatal flaw I missed: I failed to take the time to really really understand the disease. That will be my forever question: why?

So when I finally saw the actual drinking, I gave him a week to let me know what path he would take to recover. The day he was to let his therapist and me know what that would be I got a phone call that he wasn't ready to recover, was moving out and wanted a divorce. So began the nightmare. A year and $30,000 later, the divorce was final. He is now homeless, jobless and I have no contact. I thought I would finally be at peace.

It was so devastating. I could not comprehend how anyone would willfully blow up every part of their life like that in such a short time. It shook me to my core. I struggled with my own resistance to what was, my deep sense of betrayal and hurt, and overwhelming grief. One moment we had a normal happy life. Next moment: abject chaos.

It's taken me 3 years to actually spot where my deepest damage was. I learned about the disease, through SR and Al Anon. Once I could understand the mechanism of the disease, I found my way to some compassion for him and some forgiveness for myself. And some measure of peace. But was that all? No. I finally was able to see the deepest damage I had was this ordeal shook my infallible unshakable belief in myself, my own judgement and my instincts to the core. No longer did I have any of that. I doubted my experience, my instincts about people, my ability to trust myself again. It's a terrible place to live.

I have much work on self-compassion and forgiveness if I'm to be open and loving and trusting with another. I'm not there yet...but after 3 years of diligently looking, I at least know where to look and I'm hopeful for the future.

My takeaways: today is a good day to learn everything I can about the disease. I'll look and keep looking, to see exactly where the damage occurred in me....it's nobody else's job to find it or cure it. If I want loving healthy relationships in my future, it's my job to find my own happiness, not expect a relationship to just deliver it to me. My freedom, and my peace of mind are completely within me to have...just for the price of looking. And keep looking. It's so worth it. This is the only life I have some jurisdiction over.

Duckygirl1

Well said! I couldn't agree more! It is a horrible disease and I'm sorry your ex is suffering so much, but it sounds like your in a good place.

SeriousKarma

Sing it from the mountaintops, my friend! That was beautifully said.

LexieCat

Hugs, I'm so sorry all of that happened--to both of you. From what I've observed, many alcoholics who have recovered are "better bets" in terms of being honest and emotionally healthy than a lot of men who haven't done as much introspection. That doesn't mean they are immune from relapse. And sometimes alcoholism comes seemingly out of left field much later in life. It sounds to me as if you used your best judgment, and something bad happened anyway.

Not quite the same thing, but when I bought my home I had it inspected. The inspector pronounced it perfectly sound and "JUST the kind of house you want to be buying"--it was old enough that presumably any defects would have shown up by then. Only three years later, though, my foundation developed serious cracks because a retaining wall behind the house began collapsing. I did my due diligence, and something unforeseen happened.

I'm sure your ex seemed stable and well when you married him. Sometimes sh*t just happens.

FeelingGreat

Hi Ms Grace, it is hard to comprehend how someone abandon 15 years of sobriety and a successful life, to return to the bottle.

I was wondering what you meant when you said you didn't take time to understand the disease. Did you mean before you married him, or once he started to relapse? How would understanding it have changed your actions, or do you mean you would have been more prepared for what happened?

MsGrace

What I meant was: If I'd taken the time to really understand the disease PRIOR to marriage I very well may have made a different decision. To understand that it is permanent brain damage...that relapse is always possible, that it can be managed, but never cured. It would have very likely allowed me to move in with him, and maintain as long as he could remain sober. (had I done this...it wouldn't have cost me as much to divorce) I was clear in the beginning I'd not stay if he relapsed and refused to pursue recovery. As it was, I made the assumption that 15 years of sobriety kind of guaranteed me a sober husband in the future too. Huge mistake....

NYCDoglvr

Sorry to hear about what must have been a very painful experience. I had a similar reaction at the end of a relationship with an abusive recovering alcoholic -- I doubted my own judgement. What I had to accept is no one can predict the future or what someone else will do. It brought me face to face with my codependency -- there were signs I chose to ignore, a good amount of denial and rationalization. Thanks to Alanon, I don't think I'll make that mistake again.

maia1234

Ms Grace, I am sorry for the pain you have gone through. It is hell loving an addict. But you survived and are stronger from it.

Reach out and enjoy life, you deserve it!!

lizatola

I understand this because I married an alcoholic who was dry and at the time, I had no idea what alcoholism truly was. I was young and naive and thought everything would just work out and that my shining happiness would cure all our ills. 15 years later he started drinking. He never found real recovery, though, because he was a dry drunk but at least I didn't have the alcohol and the problems that go along with it all those years.

I am sorry for what you have experienced. You sound resilient and strong in your resolve moving forward. I am in the same place, going through my divorce now. Sending you lots of hugs and support today!