Mango blast

I'd better add the most important part -- it's not our son's job to take care of Mom, Dad or legal or medical stuff. His job is to be a kid. To learn how to deal with his own feelings, that it's okay to be sad, happy, mad, etc. Courage to Grow is our Alakid/Alateen slogan.

Alateen has some good books available. We have the reader "Alateen - One Day at a Time". He was given it at his group, and we both like reading from it. The Serenity Prayer also means a lot to him. He had heard it from his Dad & me, but didn't remember it. When learning the Serenity Prayer from his group it took on new meaning. It's now usually said twice a day and in times of stress.

airwick

How we find a way to survive and take care of our children yet the husbands ( men ) go home to parenss.

Now who is the stronger sex? LOL

Hawks

No contact is just useless in these situations.

Good option for boyfriend / girlfriend situation, but your an adult now, so time to woman up and face your problems head on.

You missed the point where running away with your fingers in your ears going "lalalalala I can't hear you" was an option

You picked him, married him, had kids with him...... Time to take responsibility for your actions and your part in this.

He is Emotionally immature in the extreme.

That's basically what alcoholism is.

life's pains and problems are all soluble in alcohol, we can't handle emotional pain and booze covers it over.

It thickens our tissue paper thin emotional skin.

So, when he gets like that, the answer is not to go no contact or slip your fingers in your ears and go "lalalalala I can't hear you"
Because that's just as childish an emotional response as what he had.

What would an adult do? .... When a kid pitches a fit in a shopping centre over a bag of lollies?

"I hate you, you won't buy me lollies "

"Oh yeah, fine, I know you don't hate me, you're just upset right now, so I'll be over here until you've calmed down and then we can discuss this further, but while you are whaling and nashing, and crying and saying you hate me, this is over, have a nice time tantrumming"

So next time this happens just think "what would an adult do?"....... Then respond accordingly.

Mango blast

Just to note, alcoholism doesn't discriminate. Several of my SILs tend to men-bash and my oldest son would always speak up against stereotyping. Hope you don't mind.

As for stronger? That's not me. My weakness is what's lead me to recovery. So very glad I no longer have to be strong and can turn this over to my HP!

Hawks, thanks for that perspective. That really helps. There are times I still get drawn in to my husband's quacks. Maybe I'll look at myself more often and see if I'm acting like a responsible adult?

guava, hope you're having enoying the day in some way. (((hugs)))

Mango blast

ps, guava and airwick. Kudos to you both!

guava

Spent the day building an entire Minecraft world out of Legos and then pretending to be the first ever explorers of a nearby park. I can't think of much else I would have rather done.

Sadly, my son never once asked where Daddy is. He's been conditioned over the last couple years to expect his Dad to be sleeping until early afternoon or otherwise not being around until later. What a waste. Alcoholism just sucks for everyone it touches.

Anyway, thanks again for sharing your similar stories as well as your unique perspectives. I appreciate the harsh truths as much as the (((hugs))). (Or at least almost as much.)

XAH did call and apologize but I'm not ready to entertain that just yet. Tomorrow morning I will follow-up with my legal resources and also call one of my Alanon contacts to check on whether there is an Alakids meeting in my area. Gotta work on me first...then I'll deal with him.

Hawks

There's further evidence of his emotional maturity or lack thereof.

Gets drunk, sleeps till late afternoon, letting you and his children and anyone else in his life, down.

That's immature high school / college kid behavior.

Easy enough to look the other way when kids / young adults do it, but not so easy when it's a full grown man doing it.

Nevertheless, if you bare in mind the emotional retardation that is a key driver of alcoholism, you can at least view it in a different light.

I never was aware of this when I was drinking and I'm guessing he isn't either, so just remember, he isn't doing it deliberately, it's just an emotional response to problems that equates with his mental age.

LittleBirds3

I like the fact that you are thinking of your son - you said you think it is in his best interest to have a relationship with his dad. But, I think you really need to do some soul searching here. I am in a similar situation (only I have 3 kids), and what I decided was that, right now, it is not in my kids' best interest to have a relationship with an alcoholic. He doesn't show up, he says crazy, off-the-wall things to them, he says awful things about me to them, he is drunk when he is with them, he makes bad choices, etc... Simply put, he is NOT a positive influence on my kids, and, even though he is their dad, a relationship with him is just not beneficial to them right now.

I also struggled with what to tell them and how (my kids are 7,4,5). And, honestly, it seems like they were almost relieved when I finally had an honest, age-appropriate discussion with them. I just said that daddy is making some bad choices and that my job is to protect them. Daddy loves them very much, and it isn't their fault. I know they miss him. Also, I found this workbook called "Daddy has a disease, daddy is an alcoholic" (or something like that, I got it on amazon) that was really helpful in explaining things to the 7 year old.

Good luck!

airwick

[QUOTE=keepingthefaith;5247136]Just to note, alcoholism doesn't discriminate. Several of my SILs tend to men-bash and my oldest son would always speak up against stereotyping. Hope you don't mind.

As for stronger? That's not me. My weakness is what's lead me to recovery. So very glad I no longer have to be strong and can turn this over to my HP!


Just trying to lighten up the roadway to a somewhat unclear situation