KateD

Hello
I have lurked on this site for a few years and have really found it helpful from the position of lurker. Tonight I feel that I really could do with some advice from people who 'get it' - I simply don't know what to do next - and so I joined the community so I can post.

I will try to keep the background as short as possible but it probably won't be.... My brother is alcoholic. He has historically been the person in the family who was treated a bit differently (more sensitive, gentler, different rules than the 3 other kids etc - maybe this was somehow an early indication?). About 20 years ago, his then wife called me to tell me he is an alcoholic. Several years of attempted interventions (mine, with friends who are in recovery) and our family rejecting me for implying we could have this type of problem in the family etc later and his wife divorced him. She was by then drug dependent. Shortly after, my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumour (benign but he has had brain surgery twice): he had done rehab twice but was drinking again and lost his job because of his drinking and then moved in with our elderly parents. It was a rollercoaster. I have been called over to Ireland on so many occasions to help them to try to deal with him. Dad died over a year ago. Mum is so lost/confused without him.

Over the years, Mum has steadfastly refused to take a firm line with my brother, supplying him with a roof, food, money etc. she thinks I am hard and cruel because I have tried to encourage her and my father to keep firm boundaries. My father tried initially but mum refused. Dad then developed dementia and they all lived together, which was so difficult all round really.

What's happened now? My brother is becoming increasingly violent (verbal so far, I think) and he lives with my 83 year old mum. I have recently discovered that she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She tends to forget my brother's drunken dramas within 24 hours and believes he is her perfect son. I have neighbours, cousins etc calling me from Ireland to come look after the situation. I had to call the police (in Ireland, from England) to deal with a situation a few weeks ago. I then went over for a week and my brother did not drink while I was there (maybe at night, I don't know).

Tonight, my mum's neighbour rang to tell me mum had run to their door for help because she was frightened of my brother. He also told me this has been occuring very regularly and that anytime I try to speak to my brother about rehab etc, he 'takes it it on my mother'. He also told me she locked my brother into the living room last week to try to contain him. My 83 year old mum with alzheimers....

So, I'm thinking of just moving over to Ireland for a while to protect her. Because this is not an acceptable situation. My sister had a breakdoen last year and her psych has told her that she cannot travel to Ireland because of the situation there. My other brother has a high profile job with lots of international travel. I have a responsible job too running a charity but I split from my partner a few weeks ago and I have no children, so I feel that I 'should' be the one to deal with this. I know that my alcohlic brother 'puts up with me' when I'm there but knows that I always leave and he can get then just get on with things. I manage my mum's affairs and he knows I know that he is using her money to buy alcohol, cigs etc. So I do not have a good relationship with this brother and historically I do not have a good relationshp with mum either really but.... I cannot leave this situation to continue, can I? I know I have a tendency to be a rescuer but this is necessary to keep someone safe/alive I think...

I have left out so much but I know everyone here understands the unwritten stuff. I just want to communicate with others right now who live /lived with this fear and frustration and whatever else.

Thanks so so much for reading this.

Kate

CodeJob

My advice is safe travels. You need boots on the ground to protect your Mum.

KateD

Thank you, Codejob. Yes, I do believe this is fact.

Godismyrock

I would help her by going there. From how it sounds he is dangerous to her. I expect you will need a solicitor/lawyer once you have evaluated the situation. Please be careful. If his own mom needed to lock him up, he is dangerous. Please keep a phone close and know how to reach the authorities if need be.

INgal

Can you bring her to England and sell the house?

KateD

Hi Godismyrock, many thanks for your response - yes, I think I must go there, sooner rather than later. I brought mum to a solicitor when I was there a few weeks ago but mum was chipper and positive and didn't realise what was going on re the bigger picture in that moment; so I do need to be there to have time to sort things properly. Yes, I will take care, thank you, though I am simply worried about mum's safety right now. However, you have helped me to focus on the fact that I need to stay safe too to look after mum as well as myself when I"m there....

Hi INgal, thank you. I have suggested that before but she doesn't want to leave Ireland. She also doesn't want to take the house from my brother as he "will be on the streets".... All a but tricky, really.

jarp

That is hugely tricky, my heart goes out to you.

My dad passed away from Alzheimer's last year. A lot of people think that it's just about memory loss. It's not. The world of someone with Alzheimer's is immensely confusing and anxiety provoking. My dad didn't want to go into care but he had to. I don't know if you are planning to look after your mum long term?

This isn't advice...but there is no way I'd leave someone with Alzheimer's and someone with alcoholism in the same room for very long. My Dad once rushed up to my mum and punched her right in the face whilst screaming "stop punching me, help, help" and the neighbors called the police. Imagine if my mum was a drunk man....

You've cerrtainly got a massive dilemma on your hands. Your mum sounds quite early on in the disease....as it progresses, she might stop caring so much about what happens with your brother which will make things easier. I'd be seeing a lawyer in Ireland...I don't know if you have power of attorney arrangements, but if you do think about getting it, and boot leaving it open for your brother to do.

Best of luck.

Santa

I understand your mother wants to stay in her home, but she is in a dangerous situation which is unsustainable. In your shoes (my mother is also 83), I would bring her to live with me and leave your brother to his own devices. You can go there to her home, but unless you are planning on staying for the rest of your mother's life, the minute you leave your brother will be back to business as usual while your mother's health continues to decline. Nothing good will ensue.

Ursula745

Sometimes we have to do things for our elderly parents that they may not want, but is best for them. Her house is part of her livelihood; her assets. I don't know what the laws are but if she has Alzheimer's, maybe it's worth looking into declaring her incompetent and just doing what needs to do be done; either moving her, evicting him, whatever. If he's on the streets, well, that may just have to be on him. It's not your Mom's responsibility. They you can do what she needs for her.

Sounds like she will never be safe as long as she's running the show. At 83 and with Alzheimer's, sounds like she can't competently do what she needs to keep herself safe.

So if not, then are you looking at your long-term plan? It's not like you are going to go there, straighten him out, then be able to return to England and things will be ok. They will likely go back to how they were. You need a long-term, permanent solution.

Ursula745

How is he getting her money if you are managing her affairs? I'd lock that down right away so if he gets it, you'd have proof of him stealing, then press charges if you could.

LexieCat

Hi, Kate,

I work in the field of violence against women, and my organization deals with elder abuse, too. I'm actually working on a publication to help prosecutors handle these cases.

Here's a site you might want to check out: Action on Elder Abuse (UK). It looks like there are a lot of resources there to help give you guidance on helping your mum. I'm very glad you are being vigilant and are willing to help her.

Many hugs, and please stick around--we'll help you and support you in this in any way that we can.

TJD912

Yes, safe travels. But go with a plan A, B...C. I would think that going with no plan at all (for her, her home, your brother if he's out of control...) will make things more chaotic, in my humble opinion...

FeelingGreat

Kate, I would seek help and legal advice, and Lexie's post is spot on there. You have some facts to deal with, but the major challenges are that your mother will need assisted care soon, and that your brother must not live with her under any circumstances.

Speaking with a little experience in looking after a mother with dementia, I suggest you get your siblings together, to get a family consensus. You shouldn't be burdened with making all the decisions, even if you're the one implementing them. Just because you're willing to take on some responsibility, doesn't mean your family can forget all about you. Try to find good resources for professional advice about your mother's future care, as well as the financial aspects. In my mother's case we had solicitors, specialist financial advisors and Centrelink (our government agency), as well as social workers.

With your mother and family's agreement, try to get financial and medical Power of Attorney for your mother (by all means share this with a sibling if there is some distrust in the family). This will allow you to take decisive action on her behalf, while taking some of the guilt and responsibility from her shoulders. If your mother is resistant, you may need to talk to her in the presence of a qualified counsellor. My sisters have POA for Mum, but always discuss with her as well, and take her wishes into account.

Do as much research, and talk to as many people as you need to build up a picture of the options available for your mother's care. You will get some misleading advice, so you need to try for a few different opinions. If you can set things up properly at this stage, you'll save yourself a lot of grief later on. I would suggest that if your mother can move into assisted accommodation she may not need to leave Ireland, she will be protected and you will not have to be a day to day carer. Her being close to friends in her own country would probably be preferable to moving to England with you.

Sorry this is long-winded and pretty disorganised. If you want more info I can PM you.

KateD

Good morning. I really appreciate that you have taken the time and care to respond to me. Your advice is sound; some things I have tried to do in the past, some things I need to focus on implementing properly.

In no particular order:

I have the great majority of mum's money safe in various accounts and her bills are paid direct from the bank but she gets one of her pensions in cash from the post office every week and as he 'does the shopping', she pretty much gives him all her cash each week (much more than is needed for food of course). Last time I was there, I saw that she had taken a few sums of money from the bank and didn't know when or why. The bank confirmed that my brother was with her. I am on that now; this is a new development.

Mum refuses to leave the house for even one night while my brother is there. She is worried that he will burn her house down (a wise fear). It has been a maddening situation, trying to make decisions with/for her, as she has not yet been declared incompetent and we have just learned about Alzheimer's. Thank you for explaining about this, jarp. I am familiar with the progression of dementia only, from dad's experience.

I took mum to her solicitor in Jan (before I found out about Alzheimer's) to ask him to explain POA to her so we could start the ball rolling. The short version of that fiasco is that he acted as if I were trying to do it to steal everything she owns and told her she could just become a ward of court if necessary. When I was there a few weeks ago, a nurse at her doc's surgery showed me (with mum's permission - she was there too) the report that had diagnosed the Alzheimer's. Mum's doc subsequently had strong words with me about reading mum's notes and mum's confidentiality (which I understand as I run a centre for chronically ill people). He proceeded to rant abut 'people coming here from London trying to tell us what to do' in front of mum and I had yo remind him that then wasn't the time. Small town Ireland can be a scary place.... I will have to negotiate it more carefully in future.

My other brother and sister are happy to leave this to me. Both agreed (and mum had previously agreed) with the POA plan and both said they didn't want the responsibility and wanted me to take it on. My sister refuses to become involved in any way now because of the stress burnout (for nearly two years now) and my older brother says that I "care more" than they do and it would be my decision what I do. They have tried to help over the years of course but feel helpless and frustrated and I think they're probably in a bit of denial.

Reading your responses has helped me, thank you. The elderly abuse site was a timely reminder of what is really going on. I will also take your advice about doing my research first and having my plans in place. I recognise that if I go over with guns blazing, I will just add to the chaos (anyway, I have already tried that approach, more than once...).

Ideally, I want to remove mum from the house; simultaneously remove my brother from the house and sell it for her. If necessary, I will drag him to socil services to get a hostel place (for mum's peace of mind, nit mine). I also need to get her doc and solicitor on side so we can work together to protect her. I already have third party rights to all her accounts, but I really agree we need to push for POA again - with or without her consent.

I do feel that moving mum abroad would be very destabling for her and I need to find somewhere for her to live that is safe. I think I just need to take some time in Ireland to sort this all out rather than madly dashing over time after time and achieving nothing.

I didn't mean to write another novel! Thank you all again.

Kate

LexieCat

You might check the laws there concerning protective orders. You might be able to get one that requires your brother to leave the home and have no contact with her. I don't know the law there but it's one more thing you could check on. Since she has concerned neighbors, if he showed up there in violation of the order they could call the police.

But it sounds as if you're generally going about this the right way. I'm sorry you were treated like a "suspect" by the attorney and the doctor, but they don't know you, and it's good that they are alert for the possibility of abuse. They're just aiming it at the wrong person.

redatlanta

i'm not familiar with your system of Solicitors.

Here my family has a retained an "Elder Care Attorney" for my parents. We aren't dealing with an abusive situation, rather my parents are very sick and we needed to update wills and establish trusts. We also got POA's and Health Surrogacy POA's, and how best to do what needed to be done as far as moving them into independent living apartment; what assets to liquidate, tax sheltering etc.

If I had an abusive situation that is where I would start. Its odd to me the Solicitor's reaction was that you were trying to "steal everything she owns". And also that the doctor got lippy with you when your mother was present what's that all about?

God bless you for making the sacrifice. In my family my sister and I bear all the responsibility with almost no help from my two brothers at all. I didn't expect that. It has been physically, emotionally exhausting. I hope your system is set up better than ours is. Here it is ungodly how much money it takes to go through it. Moving them into independent living apartment cost well into the 6 figures. The only other advice I can give you is that your other two siblings need to get on board with helping you. The responsibility is massive for your own mental and physical health. I understand they are burnt and maybe if you can get the Alcoholic out of the home it will change their opinion. My sister and I made a mistake by taking on more from the get go, and not laying boundaries as to responsibility for help. My brothers have gotten used to it and one in particular does NOTHING at all. Now we are laying down boundaries. Whether or not they will be observed I don't know. At the end of the day if they refuse to help we still will and they know it. I just wish we would have approached things differently from the get go as an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Good luck to you.

KateD

Thanks for your responses, Lexiecat and Redatlanta. I was sorry to hear about your ill parents and the burden of care you and your sister are carrying, Redatlanta.

I spoke to my older brother this morning. He is of the opinion that mum won't agree to a protective order - she simply would open the door if my A brother turned up. I agree , unfortunately. My A brother had been the most important person in mum's life for years now. She is filled with guilt - she 'must have done something wrong' and wants to love him better. It is so sad. My older brother has said he will stand behind any decision I make but I do fear this will be on my shoulders again.

I also spoke to mum this morning to ensure she was ok. She had absolutely no memory of last and insists that she has never seen my brother drunk or angry. This simply makes me feel more pressure to get there quickly - it also makes me feel I'm in a twilight zone....

I also spoke briefly to a cousin and we will skype tomorrow night. She lives just 40 miles from mum and she is caring for her mum (my aunt) who has advanced Alzheimer's. She also is aware of my brother's history but not that he is aggressive (and she doesn't yet know about mum's diagnosis). I hope and believe she will have some useful pointers to help me to negotiate the local doc/solicitor's office and Irish social services. (Re the reaction I had from the te loval 'professionals', though I don't like to admit it, sexism can be alive and kicking in small towns/villages in Irleland at times - big fish in small ponds I think.

Ursula745

Kate,
Sounds like you are going down the right path. Yes, it's always best to get legal advice to see what your and her options are. I know this isn't easy at all. Even dealing with an aging parent isn't easy, but an alkie brother taking from her, well, that just puts a knife through it, doesn't it? My prayers and thoughts are with you.

LexieCat

If she isn't competent to make legal decisions on her own behalf, an order still might be an option. It would still give the neighbors a legal basis for calling the police if they see him around. The way most orders work here, the victim is not the subject of the order, so she wouldn't be getting herself in legal trouble if she let him in. But a neighbor who sees him around could call and he could be arrested for violating the "no contact" conditions. She wouldn't have to testify at all if he were discovered on the premises by a neighbor or by the police. As I said, orders might work differently where you are, but I still think it's worth finding out about.

Bernadette777

Hi KateD,
I wish you the strength & wisdom to make the best decisions for your mum. A friends of mine is a teacher and she told me that at university they taught her,"every decision should be made with the best interest of the students who are in your charge" so- perhaps you can substitute your dear mum for the students and take comfort in knowing you're protecting her. I pray your brother desires sobriety & seeks & finds it.. God bless your & yours.