feeling small and alone.
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Join Date: May 2013
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feeling small and alone.
Abf and I had our first ever fight in four years this week. He has been on and off the wagon for the past three months and I was feeling stressed. Keeping myself busy and not taking it personally, but stressed all the same.
He was at a meeting and before he had left, he had been looking at porn and forgot to close the page. Now I have no issue with porn generally, but these girls were all referred to as teens and some of them looked like they were 13. The site was apparently legal and claimed all the models were over 18, but I was still horrified at the fantasy being played out.
I should have waited until got back and dealt with it in a less confrontational way, but I was sshocked and not in a good place myself. So I texted him demanding to know why there was child porn on his computer. He rushed home still drunk and we had our first fight. Also the worst fight I have ever had.
He was obviously insulted at what I had accused him of. But he threw every barb he could think of at me. I find it hard to make friends, I have them. But I have never had a large number. He is quite sociable so according to him, his whole family think I am weird, people just tolerate me because I clearly have something missing in my.head that makes me just not get other people. This abuse went on for about an hour, on and on.
When he sobered up, he was horrified at how he had spoken to me. But the fact remains he pulled out everything he could think of to hurt me and used it to great success. And I am still not happy at how young those girls looked. Whether they were of legal age or not.
I guess I am posting because I need to vent, because I am shocked, deeply hurt and deeply worried.
Is it normal for guys to be getting their kicks from teen porn that looks so young? It's clearly legal, but still sickening to me. But also, if this guy really thinks such horrible things about me, then why is he with me? I guess I could just as easily reverse the pronouns there. I don't know which way is up right now.
He was at a meeting and before he had left, he had been looking at porn and forgot to close the page. Now I have no issue with porn generally, but these girls were all referred to as teens and some of them looked like they were 13. The site was apparently legal and claimed all the models were over 18, but I was still horrified at the fantasy being played out.
I should have waited until got back and dealt with it in a less confrontational way, but I was sshocked and not in a good place myself. So I texted him demanding to know why there was child porn on his computer. He rushed home still drunk and we had our first fight. Also the worst fight I have ever had.
He was obviously insulted at what I had accused him of. But he threw every barb he could think of at me. I find it hard to make friends, I have them. But I have never had a large number. He is quite sociable so according to him, his whole family think I am weird, people just tolerate me because I clearly have something missing in my.head that makes me just not get other people. This abuse went on for about an hour, on and on.
When he sobered up, he was horrified at how he had spoken to me. But the fact remains he pulled out everything he could think of to hurt me and used it to great success. And I am still not happy at how young those girls looked. Whether they were of legal age or not.
I guess I am posting because I need to vent, because I am shocked, deeply hurt and deeply worried.
Is it normal for guys to be getting their kicks from teen porn that looks so young? It's clearly legal, but still sickening to me. But also, if this guy really thinks such horrible things about me, then why is he with me? I guess I could just as easily reverse the pronouns there. I don't know which way is up right now.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I'm sorry Shil--I do know that I used to say some very terrible things I didn't mean to my spouse when drinking, usually to deflect him from whatever thing he was (usually legitimately) angry with me about. Maybe the same is true here--
Nonetheless, I do agree with your serious concern at his looking at those images.
I would also have a huge problem with him getting off on the sexualization of young girls--even if they are technically of legal age, if they are being depicted as underage, it doesn't really matter much.
Please take care of yourself and don't feel bad for calling him on this.
Nonetheless, I do agree with your serious concern at his looking at those images.
I would also have a huge problem with him getting off on the sexualization of young girls--even if they are technically of legal age, if they are being depicted as underage, it doesn't really matter much.
Please take care of yourself and don't feel bad for calling him on this.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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My H tells me, in a fight, he will say whatever he can to hurt me because he's feeling so horrible about himself. So now I try to look at it that way, the stuff he's saying to me, he's actually saying about himself. We're in counseling and getting help, but in the heat of the moment, it's his default.
As for the porn, I'm sorry, I don't really know.
As for the porn, I'm sorry, I don't really know.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
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take a look inside of me and it can be quite disturbing, quite scary, quite out-of-control, etc. I try to do a good job of maintaining my cover, and quite honestly of keeping the urges and insane thoughts and emotions and instincts out-of-control pretty well compartmentalized within my own self. I realize I try to not directly acknowledge some things within my own self, at least not to full conscious awareness that I want to examine closely and honestly.
a lot of guys are sexually charged by certain imaginings of sexual acts and scenarios with certain or different types of women and when we see them or imagine what we would like to do with them it can easily spin out of control. it happens on a deep automatic instinct-out-of-control arousal level, and what triggers a thought process of internal sexual imaginings can be completely not determined but something triggered inside the mind and body. it can be very disturbing, and often life-and-mind-and-behavior controlling.
did I choose to want to be this way? it is up to me to recognize it as not acceptable in 'normal' society, and certainly not acceptable to my wife, or girlfriends before marriage. they, like you shil, would be shocked, and appalled that any human being would be wired such as this. but such is the human male condition of a lot of us.
we can be loving, and committed in a relationship and really mean it. some of us can actually change what happens within ourselves, but many of us make decisions about what is important, such as a valued relationship, and we act accordingly.
it can be quite disturbing if you look inside of me, especially if you caught me when I wasn't in a conscious state of maintaining and presenting myself the way I know I need to.
I am not speaking for anyone but myself, and your post triggered these reflections within me about myself.
a lot of guys are sexually charged by certain imaginings of sexual acts and scenarios with certain or different types of women and when we see them or imagine what we would like to do with them it can easily spin out of control. it happens on a deep automatic instinct-out-of-control arousal level, and what triggers a thought process of internal sexual imaginings can be completely not determined but something triggered inside the mind and body. it can be very disturbing, and often life-and-mind-and-behavior controlling.
did I choose to want to be this way? it is up to me to recognize it as not acceptable in 'normal' society, and certainly not acceptable to my wife, or girlfriends before marriage. they, like you shil, would be shocked, and appalled that any human being would be wired such as this. but such is the human male condition of a lot of us.
we can be loving, and committed in a relationship and really mean it. some of us can actually change what happens within ourselves, but many of us make decisions about what is important, such as a valued relationship, and we act accordingly.
it can be quite disturbing if you look inside of me, especially if you caught me when I wasn't in a conscious state of maintaining and presenting myself the way I know I need to.
I am not speaking for anyone but myself, and your post triggered these reflections within me about myself.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Shil, this is tough. I am bothered by the porn as well. Just because the site claims the girls are adults it doesn't mean beans. But, this is also a moral issue. So, the question is are you okay with it?
Now, onto the insults and such. When I was an active alcoholic I would also verbally attack my husband when drunk. Usually I was mad and ashamed of myself. Doesn't change the fact that it was abuse. I verbally abused my husband and you are being abused as well. That is always wrong.
It sounds to me as if you might be an introvert. I am as well. Part of my recovery has involved learning about myself. The best book I read was called Quiet, how to live in a world that won't shut up. Or something like that. It really helped me learn about myself and be more accepting of me.
Now, onto the insults and such. When I was an active alcoholic I would also verbally attack my husband when drunk. Usually I was mad and ashamed of myself. Doesn't change the fact that it was abuse. I verbally abused my husband and you are being abused as well. That is always wrong.
It sounds to me as if you might be an introvert. I am as well. Part of my recovery has involved learning about myself. The best book I read was called Quiet, how to live in a world that won't shut up. Or something like that. It really helped me learn about myself and be more accepting of me.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by RDBplus3 
take a look inside of me and it can be quite disturbing, quite scary, quite out-of-control, etc. I try to do a good job of maintaining my cover, and quite honestly of keeping the urges and insane thoughts and emotions and instincts out-of-control pretty well compartmentalized within my own self. I realize I try to not directly acknowledge some things within my own self, at least not to full conscious awareness that I want to examine closely and honestly.
a lot of guys are sexually charged by certain imaginings of sexual acts and scenarios with certain or different types of women and when we see them or imagine what we would like to do with them it can easily spin out of control. it happens on a deep automatic instinct-out-of-control arousal level, and what triggers a thought process of internal sexual imaginings can be completely not determined but something triggered inside the mind and body. it can be very disturbing, and often life-and-mind-and-behavior controlling.
did I choose to want to be this way? it is up to me to recognize it as not acceptable in 'normal' society, and certainly not acceptable to my wife, or girlfriends before marriage. they, like you shil, would be shocked, and appalled that any human being would be wired such as this. but such is the human male condition of a lot of us.
we can be loving, and committed in a relationship and really mean it. some of us can actually change what happens within ourselves, but many of us make decisions about what is important, such as a valued relationship, and we act accordingly.
it can be quite disturbing if you look inside of me, especially if you caught me when I wasn't in a conscious state of maintaining and presenting myself the way I know I need to.
I am not speaking for anyone but myself, and your post triggered these reflections within me about myself.
a lot of guys are sexually charged by certain imaginings of sexual acts and scenarios with certain or different types of women and when we see them or imagine what we would like to do with them it can easily spin out of control. it happens on a deep automatic instinct-out-of-control arousal level, and what triggers a thought process of internal sexual imaginings can be completely not determined but something triggered inside the mind and body. it can be very disturbing, and often life-and-mind-and-behavior controlling.
did I choose to want to be this way? it is up to me to recognize it as not acceptable in 'normal' society, and certainly not acceptable to my wife, or girlfriends before marriage. they, like you shil, would be shocked, and appalled that any human being would be wired such as this. but such is the human male condition of a lot of us.
we can be loving, and committed in a relationship and really mean it. some of us can actually change what happens within ourselves, but many of us make decisions about what is important, such as a valued relationship, and we act accordingly.
it can be quite disturbing if you look inside of me, especially if you caught me when I wasn't in a conscious state of maintaining and presenting myself the way I know I need to.
I am not speaking for anyone but myself, and your post triggered these reflections within me about myself.
Thank.you, again.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
To me, the ickiest thing about porn is the fact that these are VERY young women (we'll assume for the sake of argument that they're women) who are being exploited sexually. There's often coercion and manipulation that goes into the creation of these images, and many of the "models" are victims of abuse as children. Not all, but enough to make it disturbing to think about. The other creepy thing is the thought that with digital images, a photo created when the "model" was very young can haunt her for the rest of her life. It may be posted again and again, without her knowledge, control, or consent. So a foolish mistake when young stays around, potentially, forever. I'd be willing to bet, too, that a lot of these were taken surreptitiously, with hidden cameras and then circulated.
I don't think men who are turned on by looking at those images are evil men, but the ones who seek it out and pay for it still help to create a market for exploitation. In that way, they are complicit.
I'm sorry, shil, I guess my musings don't really help support you. It's upsetting when our partners let us down and disappoint us. As for the fight you had with him--I'm pretty astounded that in four years you've never had a fight. And I agree that he was hitting you where it would hurt most to distract from his own behavior.
Hugs,
I don't think men who are turned on by looking at those images are evil men, but the ones who seek it out and pay for it still help to create a market for exploitation. In that way, they are complicit.
I'm sorry, shil, I guess my musings don't really help support you. It's upsetting when our partners let us down and disappoint us. As for the fight you had with him--I'm pretty astounded that in four years you've never had a fight. And I agree that he was hitting you where it would hurt most to distract from his own behavior.
Hugs,
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My ex liked porn too. I hate it, see no purpose in it and always felt that such intense arousal and emotion should be between just us. It was like cheating on me while I was there. But as my ex was and add it I get the whole idea of needing constant and ever changing highs. As has been mentioned many of those "women" are abused and addicts bankrolling their addictions.
He probably felt like a dirty creepy old man and was just deflecting his shame onto you. And lord knows addicts are full of shame and self loathing. Funny how we can be so awful, but the stick around. Don't take it to heart, infact don't take it at all. Time to say goodbye it seems
He probably felt like a dirty creepy old man and was just deflecting his shame onto you. And lord knows addicts are full of shame and self loathing. Funny how we can be so awful, but the stick around. Don't take it to heart, infact don't take it at all. Time to say goodbye it seems
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You mention twice that "it's clearly legal"... Well, you know what? So is alcohol consumption.
Just because something is legal doesn't mean you should be expected to put up with it.
It's also not illegal to call your wife names and accuse her of being weird -- but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
Just because something is legal doesn't mean you should be expected to put up with it.
It's also not illegal to call your wife names and accuse her of being weird -- but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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My almost XAH has multiple addictions. One being to redirect focus off himself when he's caught being immoral (affair, porn. Sidebar...he then started taking video of us during intimate times, without my knowledge... I chose to believe at the time that he was not watching it anymore after I discovered all this "stuff" and it all hit the fan. Nope. They just get better at hiding it.)
I've said a few times, the only way for an alcoholic to validate what they are doing is to invalidate everything around them. So, they make the people around them defensive. Your ABF did not want to explain the porn, so he attacked your social relationships and how "everyone" in his family thinks you're weird. If you actually thought about this later on and considered it to maybe be true, then he gas lighted you. And what happened ultimately? The porn was not discussed. After reading your other post, you are looking at compromising how you feel about porn and why he may look at it by saying it's repairable. What is? ...sounds like your feelings are and that you're willing to accept it. You're going to drive yourself crazy while he drinks and enjoys porn. He won't help you repair anything by doing his part. How much more about what you need and want in a relationship are you willing to compromise?
Addicts just make me angry and what they do to the people around them.
I've said a few times, the only way for an alcoholic to validate what they are doing is to invalidate everything around them. So, they make the people around them defensive. Your ABF did not want to explain the porn, so he attacked your social relationships and how "everyone" in his family thinks you're weird. If you actually thought about this later on and considered it to maybe be true, then he gas lighted you. And what happened ultimately? The porn was not discussed. After reading your other post, you are looking at compromising how you feel about porn and why he may look at it by saying it's repairable. What is? ...sounds like your feelings are and that you're willing to accept it. You're going to drive yourself crazy while he drinks and enjoys porn. He won't help you repair anything by doing his part. How much more about what you need and want in a relationship are you willing to compromise?
Addicts just make me angry and what they do to the people around them.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Classic blame shifting. Core of alcoholic personality. To a much lesser degree my RAH still does it when we have a conflict. Example:
Couple of nights ago without anger I pointed out that RAH has not paid the HOA dues this month and to do so before we got a late fee. His response:
"I drove your car today and noticed you left a cup of coffee in there for several days"
Aside from who gives a f*ck what is the correlation between a cup of coffee and paying a bill? Just like what is the correlation between looking at porn, and whether or not, according to him, you have enough friends? Zero relationship between the two.
I will NOT engage in this type argument period. Its just to put you on the defense rather than offense.
Couple of nights ago without anger I pointed out that RAH has not paid the HOA dues this month and to do so before we got a late fee. His response:
"I drove your car today and noticed you left a cup of coffee in there for several days"
Aside from who gives a f*ck what is the correlation between a cup of coffee and paying a bill? Just like what is the correlation between looking at porn, and whether or not, according to him, you have enough friends? Zero relationship between the two.
I will NOT engage in this type argument period. Its just to put you on the defense rather than offense.
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Hi shil, your values don't align with those of your BF so there's no right or wrong here. Like you I'm disturbed by porn depicting seemingly underage women. Many people would be; you're not on your own with this.
He's drinking, watching porn. Does that make you re-think the relationship?
He's drinking, watching porn. Does that make you re-think the relationship?
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Originally Posted by shil2587
He has been on and off the wagon for the past three months
Porn can be tricky. You say you generally don't have a problem with it. Well, speaking from experience, just like any other addictive substance, it's not a problem until it's a huge problem. It sounds like on some level you do have a problem with it. The same thing applies here as with any addictive subsistence. You're job is not to determine if he has a problem. Your job is to take care of you.
The manifestation of my STBXAH's multifaceted mental health issues morphed over the duration of our relationship. The way he drank, the way he acted, the porn, the women. They all fell into different chapters. I'd get one thing figured out, then he'd be off on something else. I spent too much time concentrating on him, and not enough on me, and I don't want you to make that same mistake. He may want sobriety. He may not have issues with porn. But, you Shil, don't deserve to be gaslighted. So while you're figuring him out, please make sure you take time to work on yourself.
((((((( hugs )))))))
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Have you ever asked yourself what am I getting out of this relationship? And whatever your answer is... is it worth it?
BUT, you are all right, this was gaslighting. And having.never encountered it before, I had no defences in my head. It's really helped having you all saying it's common drunk behaviour during a fight. I will stick to staying away when he's drinking. My concern with the porn is/was that it was so unexpected and was of a type I had not thought common/normal. To be honest, at first I wasn't even sure it was legal. But from what I have read, it's MUCH more common than I had known and that alleviates the concern somewhat.
For now, I get out more than I lose in this relationship, but I know that could well change. So, for now, I will enjoy what it is, but keep my finances separate and make sure I can leave without undue hassle if I decide that's for the best. I know it may come to that. Really, I do. I would have walked had it been what, at first glance, I thought it was. I will still walk if he gives up in recovery. At the moment, he was so horrified by the things he said, without any prompting from me, he is going back to step 1 and doing meetings every day and seeing his therapist several times a week. I guess that encourages me that I didn't need to say anything.
The porn is not forgotten about, but given the teen genre seems to be so common, I think it's something I am going to have to accept, unless it becomes another addiction. I don't think it is, I hope not, anyway. I know it reads like I am explaining away his behaviour. Perhaps I am. But given things have been so good until now, I am still navigating and working out at what point is my line in the sand. I don't think I quite know what that looks like other than a prolonged relapse.
I will have a look at the quiet book too. It describes me to a T. I do find people loud and I find that hard to deal with.
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Regarding "teen" porn. You don't actually have to put up with it if it turns your stomach. I don't theoretically have an issue with porn -- consenting adults doing sexually safe things -- but if it turns your stomach, you don't want your partner's unshared preferences in the bedroom.
My first adult boyfriend and father of my oldest child had a lot of problems, but one of them was a weird fascination with teen porn. It weirded me out, and it became part of the fabric of our relationship, and it was toxic. Sometimes it doesn't matter why it weirds you out -- or whether you could be cooler or more tolerant of it if you try harder to pretend it doesn't bother you. If your gut is saying no, listen to your gut.
Honestly, if you weren't here for alcoholism talk and your AB was an otherwise friendly and affable guy, I'd remind you that you don't have to sleep with someone whose desires gross you out. There are a lot of fish in the sea. You deserve to have a complete and happy life and relationship, and one free from sexual pressures and values you don't share.
My first adult boyfriend and father of my oldest child had a lot of problems, but one of them was a weird fascination with teen porn. It weirded me out, and it became part of the fabric of our relationship, and it was toxic. Sometimes it doesn't matter why it weirds you out -- or whether you could be cooler or more tolerant of it if you try harder to pretend it doesn't bother you. If your gut is saying no, listen to your gut.
Honestly, if you weren't here for alcoholism talk and your AB was an otherwise friendly and affable guy, I'd remind you that you don't have to sleep with someone whose desires gross you out. There are a lot of fish in the sea. You deserve to have a complete and happy life and relationship, and one free from sexual pressures and values you don't share.
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