detachment -trying to figure this out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
detachment -trying to figure this out
Hi SR,
I am trying to work out some changes to my behavior that will help me on the road to healthy detachment. Here's what I am thinking would help me:
1) For probably 2 years now, I have been able to track AH's location on his iPhone. Most of that time, he had no idea that the iPhone could be tracked. If he would say he was going to an AA meeting, I would check his location. If he was MIA, I would check his location. It gave me some comfort - on the occasions when he was actually doing what he said he would. Mostly, it made me upset. I could see he was at a bar, sleeping off a hangover during work at home, at a strip club, at some strange place, etc.
I could have been content in those hours, days, had I not ever checked.
So, why did I check? To catch him in a lie. To know whether I could trust him.
The hard part was not letting on that I knew he was lying when he came home. Eventually he started suspecting that I was tracking him, and turned off his location services. Then it became a game of me turning them back on and him turning them off whenever he did not want to be found.
Once again, I would end up upset, angry.
The kids DO NOT NEED angry, upset mom. I no longer want to be upset and angry that often. AH has slips, and also has benders. I will divorce him if the benders don't stop. The slips, I don't know. If he has another bender, it will be obvious to me and the kids, so WHY TRACK HIM?
I have become obsessed/enmeshed/entangled with tracking his lies, knowing when he is drinking, where he is, what he is up to, how much he is spending doing it. I check his location when I don't need to be worrying about him.
So, I am not checking anymore. I have not turned his location services back on which stops me from being able to check when my guard is down when he is MIA. I am writing this so I can analyze this and keep myself from turning them on in the future.
2) Our security system sends me an email whenever the main entrance door opens so that I can know when my son gets home from school without me. I had that set to send me an email every time the door opens. Trouble with that was that it was knocking me into anxiety and depression at work because I had my personal email up during the day. I would see that, yet again, he was missing work. I have changed that so that it only emails me during the window of time when my son should be arriving home and if the door opens in the middle of the night. I am deciding whether to turn off the middle of the night emails - not sure about that one yet.
3) Because of my pushing for a divorce in the past, he got a separate checking account and moved his paychecks there. At first, it felt like a slap in the face. But, I asked for the divorce, what did I expect? Now, I am starting to get used to it. I can't see what he is spending his money on in the moment. That keeps me from being upset as often. He has agreed to show me the bank statements when they come in. I am not looking forward to that first reveal.
I am trying to work out some changes to my behavior that will help me on the road to healthy detachment. Here's what I am thinking would help me:
1) For probably 2 years now, I have been able to track AH's location on his iPhone. Most of that time, he had no idea that the iPhone could be tracked. If he would say he was going to an AA meeting, I would check his location. If he was MIA, I would check his location. It gave me some comfort - on the occasions when he was actually doing what he said he would. Mostly, it made me upset. I could see he was at a bar, sleeping off a hangover during work at home, at a strip club, at some strange place, etc.
I could have been content in those hours, days, had I not ever checked.
So, why did I check? To catch him in a lie. To know whether I could trust him.
The hard part was not letting on that I knew he was lying when he came home. Eventually he started suspecting that I was tracking him, and turned off his location services. Then it became a game of me turning them back on and him turning them off whenever he did not want to be found.
Once again, I would end up upset, angry.
The kids DO NOT NEED angry, upset mom. I no longer want to be upset and angry that often. AH has slips, and also has benders. I will divorce him if the benders don't stop. The slips, I don't know. If he has another bender, it will be obvious to me and the kids, so WHY TRACK HIM?
I have become obsessed/enmeshed/entangled with tracking his lies, knowing when he is drinking, where he is, what he is up to, how much he is spending doing it. I check his location when I don't need to be worrying about him.
So, I am not checking anymore. I have not turned his location services back on which stops me from being able to check when my guard is down when he is MIA. I am writing this so I can analyze this and keep myself from turning them on in the future.
2) Our security system sends me an email whenever the main entrance door opens so that I can know when my son gets home from school without me. I had that set to send me an email every time the door opens. Trouble with that was that it was knocking me into anxiety and depression at work because I had my personal email up during the day. I would see that, yet again, he was missing work. I have changed that so that it only emails me during the window of time when my son should be arriving home and if the door opens in the middle of the night. I am deciding whether to turn off the middle of the night emails - not sure about that one yet.
3) Because of my pushing for a divorce in the past, he got a separate checking account and moved his paychecks there. At first, it felt like a slap in the face. But, I asked for the divorce, what did I expect? Now, I am starting to get used to it. I can't see what he is spending his money on in the moment. That keeps me from being upset as often. He has agreed to show me the bank statements when they come in. I am not looking forward to that first reveal.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
So now the divorce is "off"? Last I heard, you were upset because he was talking about buying the house across the street. What happened?
I think your ideas about eliminating the "monitoring" are great, but I thought the divorce sounded even better.
I think your ideas about eliminating the "monitoring" are great, but I thought the divorce sounded even better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
Hi, Godismyrock- I agree with Lexie that divorce sounds like freedom. Mental freedom. Reading your post, I felt your panic every time he left and the need to know. This is how you spend your time... Your kids need *you* present, not just "not angry". You are obsessed while he goes and is doing whatever he wants and pays no mind, except to be sure he's turned off his location services. If you don't cut this pattern, and deep, welcome to the rest of your life. it won't change unless you change it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
G- Welcome to DEATACHING.... It is the best thing invented for an enabler!!!
Good for you, that you are realizing what you have turned into, a crazy wife and good for you for trying to change that. Put this in perspective - He is your addiction and all you keep doing is feeding your addiction, just like him and his alcohol. You want him to abstain but you don't. I hated it at first with my XAH, but it was the best thing he did for me by blocking me from his emails, fb, and phone. I had nothing to obsess with anymore. I didn't need to bust him anymore. WHO CARES what they are doing.
I know its hard and you are doing great recognizing this. You just have to remember that you need abstain just like him.
Keep it up, as you are doing great!!!! In time it will not be important and you can do what you need to do for you and your kids.
Good for you, that you are realizing what you have turned into, a crazy wife and good for you for trying to change that. Put this in perspective - He is your addiction and all you keep doing is feeding your addiction, just like him and his alcohol. You want him to abstain but you don't. I hated it at first with my XAH, but it was the best thing he did for me by blocking me from his emails, fb, and phone. I had nothing to obsess with anymore. I didn't need to bust him anymore. WHO CARES what they are doing.
I know its hard and you are doing great recognizing this. You just have to remember that you need abstain just like him.
Keep it up, as you are doing great!!!! In time it will not be important and you can do what you need to do for you and your kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Hi Lexie,
After I met with the divorce lawyer, and he learned how utterly different his life would become if we divorced, he seems to have turned a corner. He hasn't had a bender since I told him I wanted the divorce a month ago. He has had slips, but is actually attending meetings.
Back when we were discussing divorce, I told him that I would move if he tried to buy the house next door. I also told him all of the reasons why it would be a terrible idea for him to live right next door. He understood and that gave him further understanding that he would only be seeing his kids twice a week. I was also pushing for supervised visitation.
He tailspun for a week, then decided to get better. Don't know whether he is doing it for himself, for our kids, for me. That's not my business. I only care about the results.
I moved in to the guest room, and have told him I plan to stay there until he has at least 6 months of recovering sobriety. Who knows whether he will make it. Only God knows that.
I am praying, trying to figure out this detachment stuff, and working hard at work to make that my support system. Detaching from all his craziness helps me focus on work. Who needs drama from home when there is already enough drama at work.
After I met with the divorce lawyer, and he learned how utterly different his life would become if we divorced, he seems to have turned a corner. He hasn't had a bender since I told him I wanted the divorce a month ago. He has had slips, but is actually attending meetings.
Back when we were discussing divorce, I told him that I would move if he tried to buy the house next door. I also told him all of the reasons why it would be a terrible idea for him to live right next door. He understood and that gave him further understanding that he would only be seeing his kids twice a week. I was also pushing for supervised visitation.
He tailspun for a week, then decided to get better. Don't know whether he is doing it for himself, for our kids, for me. That's not my business. I only care about the results.
I moved in to the guest room, and have told him I plan to stay there until he has at least 6 months of recovering sobriety. Who knows whether he will make it. Only God knows that.
I am praying, trying to figure out this detachment stuff, and working hard at work to make that my support system. Detaching from all his craziness helps me focus on work. Who needs drama from home when there is already enough drama at work.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, thanks for the update.
Multiple "slips" only a month in isn't too promising. It kind of sounds to me like he is making a show or a gesture of attempting recovery as a stalling technique. Going a month without a "bender" but continuing to drink while attending meetings doesn't strike me as "turning a corner." I'm saying that as an alcoholic who's been sober for six years, and seen a lot of people come through the doors of AA because they've been backed into a corner.
What's your OWN limit on this? I get that you aren't giving up the guest room until he's been solidly sober for six months, but how long are you willing to wait? It's OK if you haven't figured that out yet, but it's something to think about.
FWIW, I think it won't be too hard for you to see where he's "at" in terms of recovery, without all the monitoring. REAL recovery brings about some pretty fundamental changes in attitude and behavior, along with a complete absence of drinking.
Multiple "slips" only a month in isn't too promising. It kind of sounds to me like he is making a show or a gesture of attempting recovery as a stalling technique. Going a month without a "bender" but continuing to drink while attending meetings doesn't strike me as "turning a corner." I'm saying that as an alcoholic who's been sober for six years, and seen a lot of people come through the doors of AA because they've been backed into a corner.
What's your OWN limit on this? I get that you aren't giving up the guest room until he's been solidly sober for six months, but how long are you willing to wait? It's OK if you haven't figured that out yet, but it's something to think about.
FWIW, I think it won't be too hard for you to see where he's "at" in terms of recovery, without all the monitoring. REAL recovery brings about some pretty fundamental changes in attitude and behavior, along with a complete absence of drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
Not tracking him is a huge step in a positive direction for you! Congratulations on doing that. It's hard, I know. But it will help you think about things other than what he's up to. When I stopped searching for bottles and checking up on my AH, I discovered that I felt better about my own life. It doesn't mean that I trust him any more than before. But my mind is freed up to just enjoy my own life, and time with my kids. And it has forced me to trust my own gut on things, instead of needing "proof" that he's drinking. I felt like my sanity was restored.
Wishing you well in this! Sending hugs and prayers!
Wishing you well in this! Sending hugs and prayers!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
I haven't figured out where my limit will be yet in living with slips if they don't stop. I'm trying to figure out my feelings on this as I go. I take time every couple of days now to think through how I feel. Definitely not good at that. I am a facts and analysis type of person so figuring out feelings is difficult. Give me numbers and somebody's else's problems to fix ( where they are doing the feelings figuring out part), no prob. Figuring out me - that something else entirely.
My kids have noticed that Dad is better. I am thankful for that.
My kids have noticed that Dad is better. I am thankful for that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
As another alcoholic in recovery, I agree with Lexie
He seems more in stalling mode than recovery. Authentic recovery is truly unmistakable.
The fact that he "shaped up" realizing the cost of divorce seems to support that.
I'd have my plan B in place and don't get the kid's hopes up at all. Also been there with my parent.
They say they are done drinking, adults around you assure you they are done,
and then they relapse and the feeling is just awful for the child who has no choice but to live with it.
Don't want to be a downer GIMR, but truly protect yourself and your kids as much as you can with him still in your home.
He seems more in stalling mode than recovery. Authentic recovery is truly unmistakable.
The fact that he "shaped up" realizing the cost of divorce seems to support that.
I'd have my plan B in place and don't get the kid's hopes up at all. Also been there with my parent.
They say they are done drinking, adults around you assure you they are done,
and then they relapse and the feeling is just awful for the child who has no choice but to live with it.
Don't want to be a downer GIMR, but truly protect yourself and your kids as much as you can with him still in your home.
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