When did you start understanding the concept of detachment?

Old 03-07-2015, 06:06 PM
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I have a quick question? Since my AH it's a binge drinker currently, he will sometimes go 2-4 weeks without drinking. Is it necessary to detach during their "non" drinking cycles. Binge drinking is SO annoying because after a few days of non drinking, it "feels" as if everything is going back to normal and they will never drink again. It's very difficult to detach from someone who is currently behaving EXACTLY the way you fell in love with.....???? Confusing!
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Old 03-07-2015, 10:41 PM
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Originally Posted by torquemax777 View Post
I have a quick question? Since my AH it's a binge drinker currently, he will sometimes go 2-4 weeks without drinking. Is it necessary to detach during their "non" drinking cycles. Binge drinking is SO annoying because after a few days of non drinking, it "feels" as if everything is going back to normal and they will never drink again. It's very difficult to detach from someone who is currently behaving EXACTLY the way you fell in love with.....???? Confusing!

My STBXAH was a binge drinker as well, so I understand exactly what you mean about things feeling as if they were going back to normal in-between binges. It's a special kind of crazy.

Yes, to answer your question, I think one should practice the principles of detachment at all times. I think it makes for a healthier relationship.
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Old 03-08-2015, 09:57 AM
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I found my detachment a couple of ways. Deeply reading and re-reading "Under the Influence" helped me really understand the disease. That no other human is sustaining the brain damage but the addict...so was not mine to grapple with. The best thing I got was right here in this forum too, from a recovering alcoholic:

"As an alcoholic, I cannot understand how my behavior hurt my family. As a family member, you cannot understand what it feels like to be an addict. Let me explain it this way: If you were in a pool of water and something pushed your head under the water, you would fight with every ounce of strength and resolve you had to get to the surface. While in this struggle, you would not have a thought about your spouse, your job, your kids or even your own well being. That's what being an alcoholic feels like"

Oh my gosh. Hearing that...my heart cracked open and I was flooded with compassion. What a nightmare way to feel and live. I imagined what that struggle must feel like every day. How the smallest things would make me want to find refuge from it. The very second I could find a small bit of compassion, I began to detach. Being able to actually try to feel what he may be experiencing was the key to my own peace of mind. Of COURSE I did not cause it, nor could I cure it, I could only look for my own way to peace again.

Finding compassion first, detachment follows closely behind, in my experience.
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Old 03-08-2015, 10:14 AM
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When I first read the pamphlet on detachment it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I got it. I felt such a sense of relief. However, actually putting it into practice took a lot of time and energy, and I still have to be vigilant about staying on my side of the street. More than anything I am glad I realized that my idea of "helping" was really a desire to control. I don't want to be that person. I'm not anymore, but being the oldest of seven children raised in a pretty chaotic environment, taking control is an automatic response for me. At least now I'm aware of it.
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Old 03-08-2015, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 View Post
When I first read the pamphlet on detachment it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I got it. I felt such a sense of relief. However, actually putting it into practice took a lot of time and energy, and I still have to be vigilant about staying on my side of the street. More than anything I am glad I realized that my idea of "helping" was really a desire to control. I don't want to be that person. I'm not anymore, but being the oldest of seven children raised in a pretty chaotic environment, taking control is an automatic response for me. At least now I'm aware of it.
So you actually got it the first time you read it? I'm impressed Readerbaby. I thought it was so confusing when I first read it. (I'm assuming it's the same pamphlet.)

But then again, I'm the youngest of seven children. Maybe I'm just used to having other people read things and then tell me what to think.
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Old 03-08-2015, 09:51 PM
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That's awesome SerousK! I like your idea of detachment; it makes sense to me.
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Old 03-08-2015, 09:56 PM
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 View Post
When I first read the pamphlet on detachment it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I got it. I felt such a sense of relief. However, actually putting it into practice took a lot of time and energy, and I still have to be vigilant about staying on my side of the street. More than anything I am glad I realized that my idea of "helping" was really a desire to control. I don't want to be that person. I'm not anymore, but being the oldest of seven children raised in a pretty chaotic environment, taking control is an automatic response for me. At least now I'm aware of it.
I'm the same type if controller! And I just barely realized it... yay!
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Old 03-08-2015, 11:53 PM
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Alanon detachment pamplet - two different copies of the same text:

http://www.afgdistrict5.org/detachment.pdf

http://www.al-anon.org/members/pdf/S19.pdf
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:44 AM
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Thanks KTF. That's the one.
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:10 AM
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I didn't "get it" for the longest time..... I read about it here a lot but mostly in relation to dealing with ACTIVE addiction so I didn't pay close attention to it.

Then one day I found/observed myself detaching from RAH's obnoxious early recovery behaviors & had that AHA moment when I "Got It" for real, in a real living example, in my own life. I realized I had been misunderstanding the concept all around - why it was useful & how to really DO it. (& surprisingly, that sometimes I had been doing it properly out of self-preservation without realizing it.)

It's such a passive action & for me relies a lot on finding MY inner peace point in order to not get caught up in other more active emotions (like anger) so that I can take a big step back & drop the rope. It's like a self check: Does this issue really belong to ME? Am I impacted by this situation & can I limit my exposure? Do I really see that I can't control this/this person's decisions?
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:34 AM
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I started understanding and practicing detachment when I came to SR. I had read about it but hearing others stories on ways they detached helped me the most. I remember a poster telling me something like .."he's tugging the rope to make sure you are still holding your end.. healing begins when you drop the rope." That made a lot of sense. I started to realize I didn't have to react to him. When he would say "I'm going to bed" and it was 5 pm I would simply say "goodnight" instead of rolling my eyes or giving him a negative reaction. I also stopped calling him and checking on his whereabouts. It was very freeing once I got it and I really have all the great folks here on SR to thank for helping me get there!
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Old 03-09-2015, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by torquemax777 View Post
I have a quick question? Since my AH it's a binge drinker currently, he will sometimes go 2-4 weeks without drinking. Is it necessary to detach during their "non" drinking cycles. Binge drinking is SO annoying because after a few days of non drinking, it "feels" as if everything is going back to normal and they will never drink again. It's very difficult to detach from someone who is currently behaving EXACTLY the way you fell in love with.....???? Confusing!
Hope its ok I ask. How do your behaviors change when you detach? When hes sober, does detaching make you feel better? Make your relationship better? Keep barriers in place to protect you emotionally from a later period of binge drinking?
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Old 03-09-2015, 03:28 PM
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Hmmm blue chair, I'm still confused about the "detaching while sober thing" other than to not "ask" or "try to figure out" if he's planning on drinking soon if I may suspect it, the way I used to. However, I am guilty of "admitting" later (when my suspicion isn't accurate). I'll say something to the effect of, " I'm proud/relieved that you didn't end up drinking today because I thought that you might have been tempted hanging out with so and so... " probably shouldn't even mention any of that. But when he's not drinking he usually mentions how grateful he is to be sober and how his desire is to never drink again. Usually, I just listen and nod and maybe ask thought provoking questions like a psychologist would do as in, " hmm... How does that make you feel? " or, " why do you suppose you react that way? " ect...

When he's drunk detachment has now become easy. I almost act as if he is invisible and refuse to speak unless ABSOLUTELY necessary, as in "excuse me, I need to get past you to go to the bathroom please." Or "please close the door is getting chilly in here." But I refuse to clean up or stop a mess he is making with the exception of him peeing in the fridge awhile back. I did shove him out of there and into the bathroom, only because that would also effect "my" eating for the rest of the week had he ruined it all (cheese/lunch meat drawer).

I no longer go looking for him if he goes to friends houses while drinking. However, I haven't mastered the "not" obcessing and grumbling about where he is and what might happen. Though, I have learned a trick; maybe not the best but it works for me: Nyquil. If I'm so drowsy I can't keep my eyes open, I can't worry and obcess about his whereabouts. He doesn't and won't cheat, but he will risk take, drunk drive, fight with guys.... Mostly these days I worry more about the legal technicalities like a DUI on the 4wheeeler or public intox ect... The fighting and driving the truck has been absent for a few years now but it's always been the little things that get him in trouble with the law.

I don't know, the detaching while he's sober is still somewhat of an enigma to me, but???
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Old 03-09-2015, 03:29 PM
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torque, when he's in between binges, do you try to "arrange" things so he won't drink? Are you on your best behavior, attentive to his needs and wants so he won't drink? Try to keep him on a schedule of activities (or away from certain activities/friends) so he won't drink?

Letting go of those as much as possible is what detachment would look like in that situation, I think. You certainly don't have to keep him at arm's length, or avoid arguments or discussions--assuming that he's reasonable during those intervals.
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Old 03-09-2015, 03:33 PM
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Oh, we posted at the same time. Yeah, those little discussions about how you were proud/relieved he didn't drink are not real helpful. It's sort of like an advance on a guilt trip. It's another control tactic--like rewarding him for not drinking, with the implied reminder that you will be sad and disappointed when he does.
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Old 03-09-2015, 03:45 PM
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I've gotten away from the "planning around" or "arranging" and I don't believe I "walk on eggshells/best behavior" but that last one is tricky because his sobriety gives me a desire/preference to be more upbeat, cheerful, friendly etc... Not necessarily TO please him, but more because my "best behavior" flows naturally and freely as a CONSEQUENCE OF his sobriety. But I DONT think "oh dear me, I better behave myself or else he'll go back to drinking."

I don't try to keep him away from certain friends, but I do find myself quietly asking, "do you think you'll be tempted to drink?" As he heads out the door. I know this is wrong, but don't we have a right to at least know what to expect when they get home? Rather than be bombarded and sometimes have to switch/ ruin plans spur of the moment because you expected them to return sober? I just want a heads up as in, " if you're planning on drinking, I'll skip the romantic meal/movie night I was planning.
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Old 03-09-2015, 04:01 PM
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Well, he may not know when his drink-a-thons are in the offing. Sometimes he probably does, but other times somebody just has an idea about going out. As my first husband used to say, "It was New Year's Eve and it seemed like a good idea at the time." And anyway, considerate warnings are not something that alcoholics think about. So I don't know that there's really an answer to that as long as you're living with him. It's just one of those unavoidable consequences. Disappointment is par for the course, I'm afraid. I don't think your "reminders" probably help. Has he ever told you, "Yeah, I'm going out and getting sh*tfaced so don't hold dinner for me"?
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Old 03-09-2015, 04:32 PM
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You're right lexie, he doesn't usually say until afterwards. But, to his credit, he will then (afterward) either admit that he had been craving since such and such event earlier in the day OR he will say, "I absolutely had no intention of drinking today, and even declined a few until I finally gave in..." So it can "just happen" and usually if I'm in tune, there's little hints throughout the day IF he is "planning" to drink. Sometimes they're even quite obvious like, " as much as I've been enjoying sobriety, a cold beer on a hot day still sounds mighty tasty." Stuff like that is now, if not a SURE sign he will be drinking again soon, it's definitely that "heads up" I was speaking of in the previous post. At any rate if he's doing the "euphoric recall" out loud and directly to me, I pretty much drop the "romantic dinner" plans right that minute! I know I've made progress though, because those remarks no longer invoke a panic response in me that has me firing off, "what do you mean? Are you going to drink today? What it's your plans?" Nope, now I just say to myself in my head, " yep, plan for an evening to yourself if he's here or not. " and if he gives me those "hints" I'm actually feeling indifferent anymore. Mostly I just shrug my shoulders and think, " cool! I'm eating leftovers tonight and watching that show he hates because it just turned into a 'me' night. " still have some work to do on me though when his drunks come unexpected and seemingly out of the blue.

Last edited by torquemax777; 03-09-2015 at 04:35 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 03-09-2015, 04:42 PM
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OK, then that sounds pretty good. You're not going to get the "early warning" all the time, and I'd suggest just passing on asking about it. There are going to be those times, too, when he is hoping he'll just have the proverbial one or two drinks and has a total FAIL.

I know how tough it is--it sucks living with an active alcoholic at times.
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Old 03-09-2015, 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by torquemax777 View Post
Hmmm blue chair, I'm still confused about the "detaching while sober thing" other than to not "ask" or "try to figure out" if he's planning on drinking soon if I may suspect it, the way I used to. However, I am guilty of "admitting" later (when my suspicion isn't accurate). I'll say something to the effect of, " I'm proud/relieved that you didn't end up drinking today because I thought that you might have been tempted hanging out with so and so... " probably shouldn't even mention any of that. But when he's not drinking he usually mentions how grateful he is to be sober and how his desire is to never drink again. Usually, I just listen and nod and maybe ask thought provoking questions like a psychologist would do as in, " hmm... How does that make you feel? " or, " why do you suppose you react that way? " ect...

When he's drunk detachment has now become easy. I almost act as if he is invisible and refuse to speak unless ABSOLUTELY necessary, as in "excuse me, I need to get past you to go to the bathroom please." Or "please close the door is getting chilly in here." But I refuse to clean up or stop a mess he is making with the exception of him peeing in the fridge awhile back. I did shove him out of there and into the bathroom, only because that would also effect "my" eating for the rest of the week had he ruined it all (cheese/lunch meat drawer).

I no longer go looking for him if he goes to friends houses while drinking. However, I haven't mastered the "not" obcessing and grumbling about where he is and what might happen. Though, I have learned a trick; maybe not the best but it works for me: Nyquil. If I'm so drowsy I can't keep my eyes open, I can't worry and obcess about his whereabouts. He doesn't and won't cheat, but he will risk take, drunk drive, fight with guys.... Mostly these days I worry more about the legal technicalities like a DUI on the 4wheeeler or public intox ect... The fighting and driving the truck has been absent for a few years now but it's always been the little things that get him in trouble with the law.

I don't know, the detaching while he's sober is still somewhat of an enigma to me, but???
Thank you for breaking it down a little for me. I dont use alanon or the concept of detachment but I hear about it a lot on this forum and I want to understand the benefits.

I worked with a counselor and use community reinforcement family training approach. With this we say when a person is drunk or high for example and difficult to be around we temporarily disengage because when a person is in this state not a lot gets through to them usually and only causes us distress. But even if they are sporadically using as in a relapse mode its ok to stay engaged in their periods of sobriety, up to our own comfort level of course. And when a person is no longer using completely then we focus more on staying engaged, communication, positive reinforcements and these types of things. My husband has a year and a half now off of drugs, but since the start we have been very open. He would tell me if he was having a tough time, if he woke up with a using dream he would even try to explain. It was scary but I think our family counseling helped me learn how to cope and provide support to him. If something major happens or he was around some trigger Im ok asking how it made him feel and stuff. My husbands use was triggered by stress and lots of negative inner voice, things from past he needed to make peace with. Hes identified many of his triggers and in counseling they had us work on relapse plans and stuff. I dont try to tell him how to deal with it, hes learned those things with his doc, but sometimes I will make small suggestions based on past experiences.

I guess I keep going back to its a comfort thing for each of us. If it feels bad, causes either of us anxiety or lots of stress, creates distance, or a rift in the marriage we want to heal then I dont do those things, but otherwise I treat addiction like it was any other kind of medical problem and try to act my normal self.

Its a confusing topic with lots of considerations I think ive seen a lot of different views on the forum and Im guessing there's not really a wrong answer.
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