Moving! Whoop!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Moving! Whoop!!
Hello All,
It's been a few weeks wince I have posted or been active on the forum. I have been a lurker, as time hasn't allowed me to be at a computer. any who...
I have been slowly moving into my NEW APARTMENT. I am excited, scared and optimistic. I know the kids will love it.
I plan on dropping the news to AH tonight or tomorrow am. He hasn't been sober all this week to have a serious talk. (Although he doesn't know I know. He's been hiding his drinking and doing it on the way home from work )
He has also been abusive two nights this week, threatening to break this or tear the kitchen cabinet off. For minor things, not that it matters.
If is escalates, I have a quick exit plan, bags packed. But I imagine him to be quiet, the same when we had "the talk" last month.
I really want to thank you all for your support and information. It has really helped me to proceed with what I know I need to do.
I will update how it goes. Appreciate any prayers or thoughts of strength.
~S
It's been a few weeks wince I have posted or been active on the forum. I have been a lurker, as time hasn't allowed me to be at a computer. any who...
I have been slowly moving into my NEW APARTMENT. I am excited, scared and optimistic. I know the kids will love it.
I plan on dropping the news to AH tonight or tomorrow am. He hasn't been sober all this week to have a serious talk. (Although he doesn't know I know. He's been hiding his drinking and doing it on the way home from work )
He has also been abusive two nights this week, threatening to break this or tear the kitchen cabinet off. For minor things, not that it matters.
If is escalates, I have a quick exit plan, bags packed. But I imagine him to be quiet, the same when we had "the talk" last month.
I really want to thank you all for your support and information. It has really helped me to proceed with what I know I need to do.
I will update how it goes. Appreciate any prayers or thoughts of strength.
~S
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good luck! Hope you are able to get out without too much drama.
Do the kids know, yet, that you are leaving? I assume they are coming with you. How do you plan to protect them from any fallout from this announcement? What if he refuses to let you take the kids, or what if he picks them up at school and won't let them leave? Without a custody/visitation order, he would have as much right to do that as you would to take them with you.
Do the kids know, yet, that you are leaving? I assume they are coming with you. How do you plan to protect them from any fallout from this announcement? What if he refuses to let you take the kids, or what if he picks them up at school and won't let them leave? Without a custody/visitation order, he would have as much right to do that as you would to take them with you.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Lexie,
The kids do not know, My oldest (DS7) was given a heads up but I have been keeping in on the DL.
I have Legal Separation papers and Temp Custody Order ready to be signed. If he will not sign, then I will have him served and enter them anyways.
I do not imagine him picking them up from school, as he doesn’t even know their schedule and has not ever done that before. I do worry about him fighting me leaving with the kids, but in reality he is never home or takes care of them reliably. The fallout is what has made me procrastinate so much on doing this.
My attorney (and boss) assured me that what I am doing is perfectly legal, and I want to make da*n sure that I have primary custody.
I have been losing sleep on this very topic.
The kids do not know, My oldest (DS7) was given a heads up but I have been keeping in on the DL.
I have Legal Separation papers and Temp Custody Order ready to be signed. If he will not sign, then I will have him served and enter them anyways.
I do not imagine him picking them up from school, as he doesn’t even know their schedule and has not ever done that before. I do worry about him fighting me leaving with the kids, but in reality he is never home or takes care of them reliably. The fallout is what has made me procrastinate so much on doing this.
My attorney (and boss) assured me that what I am doing is perfectly legal, and I want to make da*n sure that I have primary custody.
I have been losing sleep on this very topic.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, great, glad to hear you have legal advice. That's terrific.
You might want to call the school and give their counselor a heads-up and see if they can have a few sessions with him/her just to ease what will probably come as a bit of a shock. Maybe some family counseling (you and the kids) would be good, too. Just a thought.
I'm sure they will come through it all OK. Living with an alcoholic parent is more stressful than coping with divorce/separation. I hope everything goes well for you--your new place sounds terrific!
You might want to call the school and give their counselor a heads-up and see if they can have a few sessions with him/her just to ease what will probably come as a bit of a shock. Maybe some family counseling (you and the kids) would be good, too. Just a thought.
I'm sure they will come through it all OK. Living with an alcoholic parent is more stressful than coping with divorce/separation. I hope everything goes well for you--your new place sounds terrific!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Thank you Lexie 
I had a conference with his school teacher last week, she is very caring and and in tune with her students. I will look into a school counselor, and need to get going on a family session for us. I just want to do what’s best, and agree that things will be so much easier when I can focus all good energy and attention on them.
I had a conference with his school teacher last week, she is very caring and and in tune with her students. I will look into a school counselor, and need to get going on a family session for us. I just want to do what’s best, and agree that things will be so much easier when I can focus all good energy and attention on them.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 81
So happy for you! It is an amazing feeling getting away from the alcoholic. If he's violent a protection order or restraining order can be very helpful. I am still grateful for mine. What if he follows you? Please be safe. Praying for you!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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He is abusive/ controlling but not violent. Although in the past he has punched walls, broken doors and smashed personal items, this is in a span of 15 years. Recently he has thrown items of mine down the hall because they annoyed him (a small clock for example)
I am not so much afraid of him, as I am dealing with guilt from continuing on as normal to his face, to keep the peace and because it's easier. But now I have some dirty work to do and I am chicken!
I am not so much afraid of him, as I am dealing with guilt from continuing on as normal to his face, to keep the peace and because it's easier. But now I have some dirty work to do and I am chicken!
Last edited by thousandwords53; 03-07-2015 at 11:28 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 14
It's a terrifying thing to do. I remember telling my ex husband I wanted a divorce and then having papers served on him. He treated it all like a joke and carried on drinking, while telling anyone who would listen to him that I was mad. A part of me wanted him to stop drinking and sort himself out and jump through hoops to save our marriage. But he didn't.... it's so painful when they just don't get it. Looking back on it now, I wanted him to sort himself out... not just leave as asked and carry on drinking and being an arse. The first attempt, he was belligerent and unpleasant to me for three months before leaving. He literally terrorised us.. .shouting, swearing, abusive comments. When he finally left I was a total mess ...I was so traumatised that I had him back after three days. That was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He promised us the earth, he came to marriage guidance counselling with me ... treated that as a joke, and very quickly went back to drinking as he was before. Another year and a half went by & our lives were truly awful. He drank more than before and treated and talked to me like I was beneath contempt. When I filed again, I took out an non-molestation order and an occupancy order and he had to leave. I just couldn't face the abuse and name calling. He left... within six weeks he moved in with another woman and her kids. He just didn't care.
I may be wrong... but I wondering if you are hanging on by a thread hoping that he will break down and promise to change and be the husband and father you want him to be (even if you are not aware that you are thinking this, it may be sub-conscious).
I hope you find the strength to follow through with your plan and make a better life for you and your children. I regret the years of unhappiness my sons lived through when I was married, especially the last 2/3 years when things were out of control. Looking back I was as out of control as he was. I was desperate for him to come to his senses. I understand your dilemma...it's a really hard decision. I wish you all the best and hope that you do what ever makes your children happiest in the long term. They only get one childhood. Keep telling yourself that and it may make you feel stronger.
Sending you support and understanding from across the pond. x
I may be wrong... but I wondering if you are hanging on by a thread hoping that he will break down and promise to change and be the husband and father you want him to be (even if you are not aware that you are thinking this, it may be sub-conscious).
I hope you find the strength to follow through with your plan and make a better life for you and your children. I regret the years of unhappiness my sons lived through when I was married, especially the last 2/3 years when things were out of control. Looking back I was as out of control as he was. I was desperate for him to come to his senses. I understand your dilemma...it's a really hard decision. I wish you all the best and hope that you do what ever makes your children happiest in the long term. They only get one childhood. Keep telling yourself that and it may make you feel stronger.
Sending you support and understanding from across the pond. x
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
I am finally relaxing on the couch in my own place. The kids are asleep together in the master bed.
It all went as well as it could, sad. A lot of tears. But I did it. I feel terrible and like a Mack truck has hit me. My son is heartbroken that we aren't going to live together anymore with daddy.
I just need to remind myself I did this for the long term. And hope I didn't mess up somehow. Today started off as a very good Saturday. My AH didn't see it coming.
I have never lived on my own before. I can do this.
It all went as well as it could, sad. A lot of tears. But I did it. I feel terrible and like a Mack truck has hit me. My son is heartbroken that we aren't going to live together anymore with daddy.
I just need to remind myself I did this for the long term. And hope I didn't mess up somehow. Today started off as a very good Saturday. My AH didn't see it coming.
I have never lived on my own before. I can do this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like things have gone as well as can be expected, tw. Your son will need lots of reassurance, but he will adjust. Hopefully his dad will get his act together so they can have a good relationship in the future.
Hugs,
Hugs,
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi thousandwords, just sending you support. Stay firm; you've given this a lot of thought and planning and you've left for good reasons. To have your son see your AH throwing items around in rage is not a good example of how men behave.
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