Struggling today, emotions have been all over the map. I don't want to leave my home!
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
From one board hogger to the next- YOU ARE NOT HOGGING THE BOARD!
This is what we are here for. I was posting EVERY DAY for several months on end. And I also felt like I was annoying people. It simply isn't true Pink- your not! This is how we get better. Ok? Seriously, we get better by validation, by pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones and listening to the advice (although we are not professionals and technically not allowed to give "advice") of MANY experienced people. Even if we don't listen, they will still be there.
You are not doing anything that I haven't done or that MANY people on here haven't done.
No worries!
of course your scared, of course your angry, of course your anxious (you suffer from that chronically)...so of COURSE your all over the place!!
Some people can get pretty abrasive on here, ya know? Just blow it off.
I've had some pretty interesting threads that left me in tears--- it's NOT what they intended- it's just that we are so damn sensitive and emotional right now that it was too much for us. But otoh- people need to know how to treat someone who is clearly going through a rough time.
Your right- you are thinking of doing something you really don't want to do. That's normal to get upset about that.
I get mad because it feels like every aspect of my life is manageable EXCEPT AH and if he would just disappear- my life would be good. But I HAVE to make that happen. No one else is going to do it for me. That sucks- big time- but it is the reality of the situation.
Don't get discouraged and don't leave the board. We love you here. You have come a long ways in a short time. Don't even THINK about ditching us!!!
This is what we are here for. I was posting EVERY DAY for several months on end. And I also felt like I was annoying people. It simply isn't true Pink- your not! This is how we get better. Ok? Seriously, we get better by validation, by pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones and listening to the advice (although we are not professionals and technically not allowed to give "advice") of MANY experienced people. Even if we don't listen, they will still be there.
You are not doing anything that I haven't done or that MANY people on here haven't done.
No worries!
of course your scared, of course your angry, of course your anxious (you suffer from that chronically)...so of COURSE your all over the place!!
Some people can get pretty abrasive on here, ya know? Just blow it off.
I've had some pretty interesting threads that left me in tears--- it's NOT what they intended- it's just that we are so damn sensitive and emotional right now that it was too much for us. But otoh- people need to know how to treat someone who is clearly going through a rough time.
Your right- you are thinking of doing something you really don't want to do. That's normal to get upset about that.
I get mad because it feels like every aspect of my life is manageable EXCEPT AH and if he would just disappear- my life would be good. But I HAVE to make that happen. No one else is going to do it for me. That sucks- big time- but it is the reality of the situation.
Don't get discouraged and don't leave the board. We love you here. You have come a long ways in a short time. Don't even THINK about ditching us!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
pink, my biggest concern about your continuing to stay there is the effect it seems to be having on your spirit and your soul. Nobody gets a nursing degree and works as a psych nurse without a lot of strength and gumption. But your living situation seems to be sucking all of that out of you.
It doesn't sound like he's probably a serious physical threat to you. But the emotional abuse can be worse. I've heard some women who were beaten and tortured in horrible ways say that the broken bones and other injuries healed a lot faster than the emotional ones.
I would LIKE for you to spend some time talking with a DV advocate at some length, and letting them brainstorm with you the best way you can achieve your goal of safely getting out of this relationship. It may be that you could file for divorce and get an interim order giving you the right to stay in the house, along with temporary possession of the car so you can look for work. There are a lot of options, but one of the biggest obstacles I see is that you are putting EVERYONE else's welfare--your children's (who are almost all adults), your stepchildren's (who are HIS primary responsibility), your dogs', and your HUSBAND'S all ahead of your own. And many of these sacrifices are ones that are self-imposed, by no one but you. Your husband COULD stay with his disabled son. He COULD find other transportation. But you have to be willing to put your own self first for a change.
There is no shame or weakness in asking for help. An advocate can hook you up with services that can help you accomplish what you need to accomplish. But to do that you have to humble yourself a bit and be willing to take it. Turn loose of a bit of the control. I'm not criticizing you or accusing you--I'm trying to help you to see that sometimes NONE of us can do it all or control it all--not all by ourselves.
I am sending you wishes and prayers for strength and peace. And willingness to do what it takes to get what you need and deserve--a happy and peaceful life.
Hugs,
It doesn't sound like he's probably a serious physical threat to you. But the emotional abuse can be worse. I've heard some women who were beaten and tortured in horrible ways say that the broken bones and other injuries healed a lot faster than the emotional ones.
I would LIKE for you to spend some time talking with a DV advocate at some length, and letting them brainstorm with you the best way you can achieve your goal of safely getting out of this relationship. It may be that you could file for divorce and get an interim order giving you the right to stay in the house, along with temporary possession of the car so you can look for work. There are a lot of options, but one of the biggest obstacles I see is that you are putting EVERYONE else's welfare--your children's (who are almost all adults), your stepchildren's (who are HIS primary responsibility), your dogs', and your HUSBAND'S all ahead of your own. And many of these sacrifices are ones that are self-imposed, by no one but you. Your husband COULD stay with his disabled son. He COULD find other transportation. But you have to be willing to put your own self first for a change.
There is no shame or weakness in asking for help. An advocate can hook you up with services that can help you accomplish what you need to accomplish. But to do that you have to humble yourself a bit and be willing to take it. Turn loose of a bit of the control. I'm not criticizing you or accusing you--I'm trying to help you to see that sometimes NONE of us can do it all or control it all--not all by ourselves.
I am sending you wishes and prayers for strength and peace. And willingness to do what it takes to get what you need and deserve--a happy and peaceful life.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
Thanks everyone.
I'm feeling very emotionally overwhelmed and beat down. I'm now having trouble from my 17yo, apparently she went back into the computer history and read what little I have posted about her here and as dramatic teen girls are prone to do, has totally taken it the wrong way. She has misunderstood my mama concern for her. And she's on team AH.
Additionally my oldest daughter tried to talk to me today and she doesnt understand the want/need to get out of here and go to a DV shelter. I sent her a text of a voice memo where I had recorded one of AH's drunken rants and I think she understands a little better now. So. Along with my daughters and my other fmily (brothers) NO ONE seems to understand. And they are all basically telling me that I am wrong, that I am basically the crazy one. AH told my brothers that I havent been taking my medication, I have.
So, I'm just feeling really beat down and as if everyone is against me and they just don't understand, they think they do but they dont.
My mind is swirling. I can't focus on anything at all. I get up to do something and 10 seconds later have no idea what I was going to do. Like my brain is very overwhelmed and can't function anymore.
I really feel like maybe everyone else is right? Maybe it is all me, you know? I mean AH has been telling me for so long, and now my family agrees.
Im going to try and go to bed shortly to try and stop thinking.
I wish I could stop my brain and just take time off from not thinking about any of this for the weekend. I'm overloaded.
I'm planning on calling the DV advocates at the shelter on Monday, maybe they have resources that can help that I don't know about.
I'm feeling very emotionally overwhelmed and beat down. I'm now having trouble from my 17yo, apparently she went back into the computer history and read what little I have posted about her here and as dramatic teen girls are prone to do, has totally taken it the wrong way. She has misunderstood my mama concern for her. And she's on team AH.
Additionally my oldest daughter tried to talk to me today and she doesnt understand the want/need to get out of here and go to a DV shelter. I sent her a text of a voice memo where I had recorded one of AH's drunken rants and I think she understands a little better now. So. Along with my daughters and my other fmily (brothers) NO ONE seems to understand. And they are all basically telling me that I am wrong, that I am basically the crazy one. AH told my brothers that I havent been taking my medication, I have.
So, I'm just feeling really beat down and as if everyone is against me and they just don't understand, they think they do but they dont.
My mind is swirling. I can't focus on anything at all. I get up to do something and 10 seconds later have no idea what I was going to do. Like my brain is very overwhelmed and can't function anymore.
I really feel like maybe everyone else is right? Maybe it is all me, you know? I mean AH has been telling me for so long, and now my family agrees.
Im going to try and go to bed shortly to try and stop thinking.
I wish I could stop my brain and just take time off from not thinking about any of this for the weekend. I'm overloaded.
I'm planning on calling the DV advocates at the shelter on Monday, maybe they have resources that can help that I don't know about.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I hope you are able to rest tonight pink. Sometimes it is more than enough to eat, shower, and sleep.
You don't have to figure it all out tonight, or even tomorrow. Rest. Regroup.
I just want to give you a blanket fresh from the dryer, a cup of tea, and one of those squeezey hugs sisters give. At least I imagine they do - I don't actually have a sister, lol.
You don't have to figure it all out tonight, or even tomorrow. Rest. Regroup.
I just want to give you a blanket fresh from the dryer, a cup of tea, and one of those squeezey hugs sisters give. At least I imagine they do - I don't actually have a sister, lol.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
I briefly lived in a women's shelter with my kids when I left. It wasn't the Hilton, but it was just fine under the circumstances. It was actually a relief to be there.
If you want to leave, all you really need are your important papers, your special sentimental items, your personal effects, a laundry basket and maybe a good book.
To quote Mick Jagger, "you can't always get what you want, but you just might find you get what you need."
If you want to leave, all you really need are your important papers, your special sentimental items, your personal effects, a laundry basket and maybe a good book.
To quote Mick Jagger, "you can't always get what you want, but you just might find you get what you need."
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Your husband is a manipulator, remember that. He's manipulated everybody, including you.
DON'T BUY WHAT HE SAYS. And what other people are saying are what he wants them to believe. And you're isolated, so you don't even get the day-to-day reality check of being around other people, being in the company of those who would value who and what you are. This is what I mean about needing to get out of there. He's trying his best to grind you down, and we don't want to see that happen. He wants you to be totally dependent on him, and that's what you're becoming. You're at his mercy every day of your life--it's no way to live.
Get some rest. And when you talk to the advocate on Monday, tell her how you are feeling--like you don't know what to do first. The way you are feeling is absolutely NORMAL for someone in an abusive relationship. You don't have to just ask for information and try to put it together on your own. Make a list of what things are MOST important to you--I don't mean your "stuff"--I mean what issues are most important to you. There will be pros and cons to everything you do. Let the advocate HELP YOU sort them out. You might have to give up one thing temporarily, or to some extent, to get something you value more.
There are many ways to go about this, and none of them will be PERFECT, but the goal is to come to a course of action that you can live with and that will put you in a safer, stronger position.
DON'T BUY WHAT HE SAYS. And what other people are saying are what he wants them to believe. And you're isolated, so you don't even get the day-to-day reality check of being around other people, being in the company of those who would value who and what you are. This is what I mean about needing to get out of there. He's trying his best to grind you down, and we don't want to see that happen. He wants you to be totally dependent on him, and that's what you're becoming. You're at his mercy every day of your life--it's no way to live.
Get some rest. And when you talk to the advocate on Monday, tell her how you are feeling--like you don't know what to do first. The way you are feeling is absolutely NORMAL for someone in an abusive relationship. You don't have to just ask for information and try to put it together on your own. Make a list of what things are MOST important to you--I don't mean your "stuff"--I mean what issues are most important to you. There will be pros and cons to everything you do. Let the advocate HELP YOU sort them out. You might have to give up one thing temporarily, or to some extent, to get something you value more.
There are many ways to go about this, and none of them will be PERFECT, but the goal is to come to a course of action that you can live with and that will put you in a safer, stronger position.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I'm so sorry you are going through this! It's not fair by any stretch of the imagination. There are days when I have literally gotten through the day counting hour by hour. I've looked at the clock and thought ok, it's noon. I just have to make it til one. At one I say, just til 2. I seem to handle things better in small chunks. The point is the day, the hours the decisions what to do in that hour are yours. The hours pass and so will this temporary move. ((((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello PinkPeony, and pleased to "meet" you 
No worries. You move at whatever speed you want. If _other_ people get frustrated... they can go talk to _their_ therapist 
Vent all you want. That is the whole purpose of SoberRecovery, to give people a place to vent. You are _not_ hogging the board too much. Not at all. You have the official permission of the staff to vent as much as you want and write as much as you want and move at your own speed. Seriously.
You take care of you, here on SoberRecovery we will support you as much as we can.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Originally Posted by pinkpeony 
... I'm sorry if I'm frustrating people here by not moving quickly enough. ...
Originally Posted by pinkpeony
... Maybe I vent too much, maybe I'm hogging the board too much ...
You take care of you, here on SoberRecovery we will support you as much as we can.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Hi pinkpeony, one thing that jumps out at me from your posts is the amount of time and energy you are devoting to try to get others to understand. It doesn't matter. You aren't required to get others to see it your way be on your side or agree with you. It is a huge waste of effort that could otherwise be used to plan and put important pieces in place for your future.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Pink - I am sorry this has been a really rough week for you.
When I see someone making 180 in an approach I think its time to stop and reevaluate your moves, why you are doing them, and if they are most beneficial to you. As has been pointed out you up until a few days ago you states that you would not think of moving for 12 weeks until your daughter was finished with school. its clear that moving to the DV shelter is not something you want to do.
You have 4 options here - 1) Family help 2) Divorce 3) DV shelter 4) Stay. #1 didn't work for you. #3 You also seem on the fence about. #4 I think you know will not work. You have not researched #2. Lexie brought it up in her above post. If you leave for the DV shelter it seems that Divorce is where you will be heading anyway.
Why not contact an attorney before you pick up and move to the DV shelter? it may not be favorable, or it may (and probably will). Knowing all your options is the best position to be in.
Additionally, you can change the settings on your computer to stop your cashe of history.
As for why no one believes you I have a very simple answer. Traditionally alcoholism and moreso abuse is hidden. Victims, most especially of Domestic Violence, often say nothing. Its either because they don't recognize they are being abused, fear the consequences, or feel an obligation to protect the abuser (such as the father of their children whom may be a good dad, but a terrible abusive husband. They don't want to anger their kids, or fear consequences like loss of job which would affect the whole family). I'm pretty sure this has occurred in your situation as you are beginning to speak out about what is happening a people are surprised/disbelief.
When I see someone making 180 in an approach I think its time to stop and reevaluate your moves, why you are doing them, and if they are most beneficial to you. As has been pointed out you up until a few days ago you states that you would not think of moving for 12 weeks until your daughter was finished with school. its clear that moving to the DV shelter is not something you want to do.
You have 4 options here - 1) Family help 2) Divorce 3) DV shelter 4) Stay. #1 didn't work for you. #3 You also seem on the fence about. #4 I think you know will not work. You have not researched #2. Lexie brought it up in her above post. If you leave for the DV shelter it seems that Divorce is where you will be heading anyway.
Why not contact an attorney before you pick up and move to the DV shelter? it may not be favorable, or it may (and probably will). Knowing all your options is the best position to be in.
Additionally, you can change the settings on your computer to stop your cashe of history.
As for why no one believes you I have a very simple answer. Traditionally alcoholism and moreso abuse is hidden. Victims, most especially of Domestic Violence, often say nothing. Its either because they don't recognize they are being abused, fear the consequences, or feel an obligation to protect the abuser (such as the father of their children whom may be a good dad, but a terrible abusive husband. They don't want to anger their kids, or fear consequences like loss of job which would affect the whole family). I'm pretty sure this has occurred in your situation as you are beginning to speak out about what is happening a people are surprised/disbelief.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 128
Pink, I totally relate to your situation. I went back and read some of your posts and I understand that depression. That's why I'm still with my AH - because it's totally not fair that I have to leave my house but there comes a time when you just can't take it any more and you know if you stay it's going to be the end of you and you have to make plans to move on and grab at that chance for a better life. Sending you lots of positive energy as you make this difficult decision.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I also went to a DV shelter. You really don't have to bring anything with you. I did pack a bag with pj's and extra clothing, but they had that there in case I didn't. I don't wear makeup, guess wouldn't use other peoples makeup if I did, so bring that.
All shelters are different, but I guess in a way they are all the same. They care about you, the people that are there care about you, it's not the Hilton, but it's close to that.
There were some rules at the shelter. You had to sign in and out. Place was on shut down between 11pm and 6 am. If you didn't work, you were expected to help in the kitchen for dinner meals. Not a big deal, at least they appreciated that you cooked for them, unlike at home. I didnt stay that long, wish now that I had stayed longer. Whatever you do, just know, we will be there with you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
All shelters are different, but I guess in a way they are all the same. They care about you, the people that are there care about you, it's not the Hilton, but it's close to that.
There were some rules at the shelter. You had to sign in and out. Place was on shut down between 11pm and 6 am. If you didn't work, you were expected to help in the kitchen for dinner meals. Not a big deal, at least they appreciated that you cooked for them, unlike at home. I didnt stay that long, wish now that I had stayed longer. Whatever you do, just know, we will be there with you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you Pink and support whatever choice you make for yourself. So daughter is on Team AH, huh... Good for her, one less thing for you to worry about. I wish I could help you with your beloved dogs when and if you decide to transition away from the emotional abuser. Hopefully the shelter will have some resources opening up that will be able to help. Hang in there, Pink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
SO many thanks to you all.
AH dropped a bomb this morning.
Apparently the bank is foreclosing on the rental property we are living in, so we are all going to have to find a new place to live anyhow. I asked him how long we have he said he didn't know..........no one has the $$ resources to be finding a new place to live. We just moved in here Nov 1st.
If it's not one thing it's another.
It's 1pm, I just woke up, I'm not able to sleep at night at all, I can't fall asleep until
5:30-6am no matter what I do. Really stinks.
Hope everyone is doing okay, I'm going to make a cup of coffee...
AH dropped a bomb this morning.
Apparently the bank is foreclosing on the rental property we are living in, so we are all going to have to find a new place to live anyhow. I asked him how long we have he said he didn't know..........no one has the $$ resources to be finding a new place to live. We just moved in here Nov 1st.
If it's not one thing it's another.
It's 1pm, I just woke up, I'm not able to sleep at night at all, I can't fall asleep until
5:30-6am no matter what I do. Really stinks.
Hope everyone is doing okay, I'm going to make a cup of coffee...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Sorry you are going thru this Pink. Sounds awful. Just wanted to let you know that if you call whoever services your student loans you can get on a income sensitive repayment program that will get you out of default. That way you can get your license restored. I know you have "bigger fish to fry" at the moment... just keep this in mind when you are ready to go back to work.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
This seems to actually be PERFECT timing! You won't be leaving "your" home--just the same one you'd be leaving anyway in a short time. I'd just keep moving ahead with your own plans. Let him worry about where he's going to live. If it happens before school is out, your daughter could come with you, or look into staying with friends for a shorter period of time.
Please, PLEASE don't worry about where HE is going to go. Not your problem.
Hugs!
Please, PLEASE don't worry about where HE is going to go. Not your problem.
Hugs!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pink....contact your dv "connection" person, and fill her in on the latest developments.
Keep following up on all possible resources for help.
Mum is the word when it comes to your husband. He does not need to know what your plans are. Just carry on as you normally would in front of him. And, don't count on him for anything.
Stay on that phone all day long....talk to anyone and everyone who will listen to your story.
Keep turning over rocks. As long as you refuse to "give u p"...the solutions will come.
That is the way it has always worked for me...even when I didn't know what was coming tomorrow.
dandylion
Keep following up on all possible resources for help.
Mum is the word when it comes to your husband. He does not need to know what your plans are. Just carry on as you normally would in front of him. And, don't count on him for anything.
Stay on that phone all day long....talk to anyone and everyone who will listen to your story.
Keep turning over rocks. As long as you refuse to "give u p"...the solutions will come.
That is the way it has always worked for me...even when I didn't know what was coming tomorrow.
dandylion
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by pinkpeony
SO many thanks to you all.
AH dropped a bomb this morning.
Apparently the bank is foreclosing on the rental property we are living in, so we are all going to have to find a new place to live anyhow. I asked him how long we have he said he didn't know..........no one has the $$ resources to be finding a new place to live. We just moved in here Nov 1st.
If it's not one thing it's another.
It's 1pm, I just woke up, I'm not able to sleep at night at all, I can't fall asleep until
5:30-6am no matter what I do. Really stinks.
Hope everyone is doing okay, I'm going to make a cup of coffee...
AH dropped a bomb this morning.
Apparently the bank is foreclosing on the rental property we are living in, so we are all going to have to find a new place to live anyhow. I asked him how long we have he said he didn't know..........no one has the $$ resources to be finding a new place to live. We just moved in here Nov 1st.
If it's not one thing it's another.
It's 1pm, I just woke up, I'm not able to sleep at night at all, I can't fall asleep until
5:30-6am no matter what I do. Really stinks.
Hope everyone is doing okay, I'm going to make a cup of coffee...
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