RedDog735

Hi all,

I am coming to grasp with myself. I was getting confused with detachment lately and I have realized that it is not necessarily possible in my relationship at this point in time to detach or go "no contact." I have been sending him mixed signals and it has been confusing my A and myself, quite frankly.
Regardless, I am still focusing on myself. I realized it was a huge accomplishment this morning when he told me he didn't know what to do with himself on this snow day (he is off because he is a school teacher.) Once he said the words, I am probably going to get together with John Doe, I knew it was going to involve alcohol. Usually I would get very upset and spend the rest of my day in bed, depressed, due to his not so intelligent decisions. But today, I am still maintaining my sanity.

I am keeping my mind occupied and very busy on my day off. So very thankful for a place to vent and come to for support.

redatlanta

Detachment doesn't necessarily mean "no contact".

Your relationship is confusing. You broke up with him, then said you didn't technically.

I think perhaps you need to decide if you are in or out. Its hard to maintain the title of GF yet act as if you are not. Perhaps a formal break up would get you both out of limbo and clear the path for the type of contact you are ok with at the present time.

RedDog735

We are still together..

maia1234

RD- Take your time, educate yourself on how to be a better "you". It will come. Not engaging, not telling him what to do, not getting upset over stupid stuff he does. All that does is raise your blood pressure, doesn't bother him. That is making you healthier and letting him take responsibility for himself. You change, and maybe he will also.

You will have good days and bad, but things will get a teensy bit better!!!

RedDog735

I notice that I get a little better everyday. He came to me tonight. Noticed the taste of whiskey on his lips. I said nothing. We watched a movie, and he asked if angry orchards were still in my fridge. I said simply- yes. And he proceeded to go get one. It was only one. Then we went to bed, and I still didn't say a word. I did not hold a grudge. I did not try to control him. I did not worry or try to get mad. Progress is great..

redatlanta

I am aware you are together.

ladyscribbler

I guess I was confused about your relationship status with him as well. Thanks for clarifying. Sounds like you doing better at detaching from his behavior. I'm glad it's helping your peace of mind.
Something else to think about is boundaries. What do you want? Would you rather not spend time with him when he is drinking? Or is that a price you are willing to pay in order to stay in a relationship with this man?
You not having well-defined boundaries is confusing for him as well. You prefer him sober, but you let him stay after it was obvious he was drinking and you also gave him alcohol.
Learning to put up with alcoholism isn't really the point of all this, and detachment isn't really supposed to be a long term solution for staying in a relationship.
Spend some time thinking about what you really want from a long term relationship and whether this man is capable of meeting your needs.

LexieCat

Right, things like providing him with alcohol in YOUR HOME is a form of enabling. You can make your home an alcohol-free zone. You can decide whether you want to be in his company when he's drinking. That's different from ignoring him, it's simply establishing your own boundary about how you want to interact with him. You can (if you want) establish a boundary that you don't want to engage in drunken phone calls. "Give me a call later, when you're sober--I don't like talking when you're drunk." No screaming, just a polite statement.

The goal of this is not to change what he does, it's to reduce the impact of his drinking on you and your life. So you have to be prepared for him to go do his drinking elsewhere. That's his choice, and should be respected even if you don't like it. Of course, at some point if you're never seeing the guy because he's off drinking, then you will have to decide whether that's an acceptable relationship for you. Don't get too far ahead of yourself, though. Decide what is best for your own peace of mind and get those boundaries in place.

RedDog735

I have a roommate who is a drinker and I am a social drinker. I could've lied and said "no." But she has a stash of whiskey and he knows that. Ultimately, it is his decision if he wants to sneak that. He still continues to tell me that he can control himself by for example, having one beer last night. I know this may be true at times, but not for the majority.

LexieCat

So how does your roommate feel about your alcoholic b/f raiding her whiskey? Is that OK with her? I certainly wouldn't be telling him it's fine to help himself to her booze without her permission.

RedDog735

she caught him raiding through it before. I politely asked her to put them in her room. She has a "don't care" attitude, Lexie. I've reminded him before about getting into her alcohol

ladyscribbler

I would call that stealing. This man has no respect for other people's boundaries. It's not your roommate's responsibility to hide booze from him.

Sungrl

When you say it is impossible to go no contact at this point, why is that?

SeriousKarma

Would you mind clarifying this, RedDog?

Did she actually say "I don't care if he drinks my alcohol", or are you just assuming that she doesn't care.

Even still, it doesn't change the point that you can establish boundaries in your own home. If you don't want him drinking there it doesn't really matter who the alcohol belongs to. It doesn't matter if there's a free flowing fountain of whiskey in the middle of the living room. You have the right to clearly state, and enforce, your boundaries.

Regarding the concept of detachment, it's easy to get the concepts of boundaries and detachment muddled in early recovery. I think people often fall into the thinking of "If my loved one crosses my boundary I'll just detach. But that's misunderstanding both concepts.

RedDog735

Of course I'll clarify. She specifically told me that she did not care. Also, no contact isn't an option because I don't want it to be..

redatlanta

Reddog - What is your goal for the relationship right now? Its a little ambiguous and I think hard for members to respond.

We got it that you are not broken up, and that you are not wanting a NC situation. What do you want, or what are you trying to achieve with your ABF at the present time?

SparkleKitty

I would add to RedAtlanta's questions, what are your boundaries with regards to your relationship with him?

LexieCat

Here's the thing--recovery doesn't mean swallowing your feelings and learning to endure unacceptable behavior. Here's what you said in one of your first posts: You described him as "angry and aggressive" when he drinks.

You are still in your twenties. You aren't married, and you still have your own home, not to mention a professional career. How do you see your future with this man? Because right now he has zero interest in quitting drinking. Do you somehow still think there is something you can do to change that? Or is it your goal to become immune, yourself, somehow to the insanity of active alcoholism? Which WILL get worse over time.

I get that you have moments with him that you enjoy. The majority of alcoholics have their good and appealing qualities. It's just that the alcohol will gradually destroy everything in its wake. And relationships with them tend to become traps--he gets a DUI and you feel the need to bail him out. He alienates his (and your) friends, and you feel he's "all alone" and that "nobody understands" so you cling more tightly to him. He loses his job for driving drunk or because he becomes irresponsible on the job, so you start "helping him out" with his bills, or letting him move in with you.

It's your life, and you can live it as you choose to, but you posted on a recovery board, and learning to live with the intolerable isn't what that's all about. Some people are married and have complications such as joint debt and property or children that make it more difficult to walk away. Your ties to him right now are emotional only. The question you might want to be asking yourself is why you want to expend your emotional energy on someone who is incapable of reciprocating it in a healthy way.

dandylion

RedDog...I would also underline the point that redatlanta spoke of.

being tied to an alcoholic financially and with children is a whole new l evel of pain in addition to the alcoholism, itself.

At least you don't have that. (there ARE some things to be thankful for...lol).

There are thousands of real-life stories, on this forum which can give you a view into what that is like.

Decisions made at this point in your life can have very far reaching effects.

dandylion

shil2587

As another unmarried woman dating an alcoholic, I would like to respectfully disagree with the suggestiin that this recovery board is about getting out of our relationships. I came here and stay here precisely to learn how to deal with the negatives. They aren't nessecarily intolerable. Yet, I know. But just because we are not married to them, have no children with them etc. Does not mean we either want yo or can easily leave, or that our worries and learning paths are less traumatic for us to deal with.

Sometimes, all that is needed is an understanding ear from people who know what it's like. Sometimes it's about dealing with our own unhealthy behaviours. Sometimes its about minimising the impact of drinking on ourselves.

So, reddog, how can we help? Do you want advice or just looking for a space to share?