pinkpeony

SO, I just read the last message from the other day that my brother sent.
I'm glad I didn't read it until now or Im not sure what I would have done.

in part they wrote that (AH) admits that he is no angel and freely admits that he needs to work on stuff which is more they can say for me.
Also, that I need to stop acting like a f*cking spoiled baby and get a clue.
That I need to quit throwing a tantrum, swallow my pride and put down my massive ego and agree to what they are proposing or not, and signed "whatev"

WHAT?????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????

omg, just goes to show that they truly have no clue.

Asking them for help has only made things 100000000000% worse and now I don't even have any family.

I'm so glad I didn't read this last message until just now and not the other night.
I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Now I've lost my family members too.

I am alone in this.

seasaw

UGH. People can be so disappointing!!

I just took pictures of part of the chapter about Coda's Step One that I think might be at least a comforting read... I'm going to see if I can post them here?

seasaw

Ok it's on the Coda roll call thread pink!

I'm wishing you the very best in being resolute about letting go of your relatives' hostility and lack of compassion, so that you can direct your own deep wells of gentleness and compassion toward yourself and your daughter without those people as a distraction. You can deal with them later. Right now is the perfect time to carve away the distractions like so much melting butter, and focus on sculpting the life you want!

FindingMe2

I really understand. My family made things much worse too. I felt so alone. But over time, I decided to make my own family. Today, it is a very small family but it is full of love and compassion.

I finally just decided....my family just couldn't understand. I lived it and still can't really fully understand it all either.

LexieCat

Yup, you can't choose whom you're biologically related to, but you can create your own family. Maybe that doesn't help you this second, but you can keep that in mind as you're going forward.

brightdaysahead

Hi Pink - It's wonderful to see you post today. Perhaps, for the time being, you might consider steering away from reading your brother's note. Instead, focus on the positives, such as lunch with your daughter, Torque's suggestion to reread all the posts that showed love, concern and support for YOU, and the call to your doctor.

You've been let down by your family. Long ago, I felt let down by my family once. In a time of need, I had no one to turn to in my family. It was a startling realization. But, I dug deep, found strength and confidence in myself, and finally stood on my own two feet. You can do it, too. By your own admission, you are a fighter. You can do this.

Keep posting here and gather the support you need. You are in my thoughts.

gettingstronger

You can't lose something that you didn't have. And your family just wasn't the kind of support that you needed.

You have your children and your "family" here. Begin with this, for creating your own family.
Sometimes the family we're born with just isn't healthy enough, selfless enough, loving enough to be much support to us. But we can build a "family" that will be what we need in this life.
sending hugs and prayers

pinkpeony

thank you all.

I'm just gutted by this message, it's really hateful. It part of a group message and no one else included stepped in, so they must all feel this way.
(my two brothers, SIL that I am semi-close to, my mother....)

Really, feels like I've been stomped on by a herd of horses and kicked in the gut.

Florence

If you reply, replay with "I'm sorry you feel that way. Thanks for your consideration." Then let it go.

What other people think about you is none of your business, right? Most of us come form deeply dysfunctional family systems. It's not necessarily a reflection of you, but of a family structure where people don't trust one another and help comes with emotional strings attached.

Focus on stuff you can do now. Find a way to get cheap or free counseling so you can get outside perspective form a professional. And get that car fixed. Then move along.

gettingstronger

No, they might not all agree. Sometimes, one person's view overrides the rest of the group's views. I've seen that happen many times.
But anyway, try to move forward in your own life. Sometimes, I feel so bogged down with the junk happening to me, that I forget to do really good, caring things for myself.
Try to put the letter aside for a bit and do some really good things for yourself today.
hugs

FindingMe2

I had to realize that if my family helped me out, I would have lost the opportunity to learn so many valuables lessons. and deepen other relationships, especially with God. Today, I am almost thankful they didn't. I look forward to being very thankful.

I am fighting for my life Pink, join me. Let's walk together!!

DoubleDragons

Once when my husband and I were going through major financial upheaval, with most of it being no fault of our own, our families pretty much disappeared on us. Crickets. I was pretty upset about it at the time and I felt very alone, judged and abandoned. That being said, I am now so grateful that they didn't "help" us because deep down knowing how dysfunctional both sets of families are, that "help" would have come with some pretty major price tags. That situation also brought me to my knees where I had no one to rely on but myself, my husband and most importantly, God. That situation brought me to the point of surrender and the most painful, scary time in my life actually turned out to be the best time of my life because it changed me and my entire perspective on how life works. I no longer look for security, serenity, peace, etc. from anywhere except from God who I believe is inside of all of us. Those feelings of comfort don't come from anything external. That situation also made me realize that the best nurturing is self-nurturing and that accepting abuse from others is self abuse, so I started becoming an advocate for myself. Trust yourself, Pink. No one knows better what you need or how to provide for it than you and your Higher Power.

FindingMe2

Do you think your brothers care what you think about them? Then why care what they think about you???

Learning "What others think about me is none of my business" - was so powerful.

FindingMe2

Double post

dandylion

pink....OMG...it pains me to think of how you must have felt as you read that!
I think Florence has the right idea of how to respond..if you even choose to.

I have a sneakin' suspicion that your brother may be taking a lot of personal liberties here.
In addition, I smell the possible "work" of your AH--since this followed a "talk" between the two of them. What do you want to bet that he painted himself pink and painted you black.

Oh, my dear...just leave it alone, for now. Anything you say to either of them will only make things worse...and, make you feel worse.
This is really bad reflection on them, in my opinion.
Their hatefulness does not reflect your worth...please, remember that.

I know it hurt you...real bad. I so remember that feeling of wanting to vomit.
The best revenge is to live well. You will rise out of the ashes like a Phenonix (sp?). And, you will feel proud...because it will be what you accomplished.

Right now, I am remembering something that one poster wrote on freetosmile's thread...
These people are "dry ****". They are deeply flawed people, pink.

Try to compartmentalize this as much as you possibly can...and lets go forward with anything that is going to really help you....

You have us, pink, and most of us really understand what it is like to be related to ****** people.

I am glad that you came and posted.

dandylion

Refiner

I'm sorry your family obviously has no CLUE themselves about depression and what years of emotional abuse can do to one's soul. Was this a group message that included you? If so, that's just cruel. If not, how did you come across it?

marie1960

It's so easy for those who do not live the daily hell of living with an addicted person, to have all of our life answers.

You reached out to your family and I am so sorry for the outcome, but at least now you know, and can say you have tried. Scratch that option off the list and keep moving forward. Our attitudes can truly make or break us, this is just another bump in the unpaved road, we must travel the course , to get to the fancy paved roads, and I can assure you smooth pavement ahead.

I have heard it said many times, we truly cannot appreciate the good, until we experience the bad, nowhere to go but up, my friend.

I had to keep reminding myself, It's none of my business what others are saying about me.

Pink, they are clueless, they just don't understand what you are living. Try not to beat yourself up here, remember YOU did not cause this.

ghost99

This is a great thread. You really do learn about your extended family when dealing with an A or someother stress.. And alot of times it isnt pretty at all. Like others have said, it gives you opportunity to o find your real family.

pinkpeony

When I asked my brothers and mom for help, when I put out the SOS, it was as a group message on FB. So, everyone in the group can see all of the messages.
The day after I sent it, they all got together, my mom at my brothers house and the rest via facetime or skype and came up with their plans that I am apparently too much of a spoiled brat to accept.

There is more to this last message from my brother, pretty much calling me a cry baby, telling me that my daughter would be better off if I left, telling me that he grew up in the same house in the same town with the same family, that he's dealt with depression and anger issues and so HE knows how it all feels, knows how I feel apparently.

SO, I lose my husband, my dogs, my home, my daughters last year of high school (prom, graduation, college freshman stuff) now I lose my family to all of this.
And AH comes up smelling like roses.
THEY SIDE WITH HIM! After I sent them explicit details about how bad things are here, about how bad my emotional state is, about AH cheating on me yet again, about him being like jeckyll and hyde when it comes to putting on appearances. All of it.
Also, apparently AH told them I am not taking my medication, which is a lie. I AM. It's a new-to-me medication and it's obviously not working all that well.

They turn and attack me, because I don't like the choices that THEY, the judge and jury, made for me without any input from me.

I mean, I feel this is really unreasonable and I'm just having a hard time with this.
Also, someone said they might not all feel that way. Well, it was a group consences and no one else spoke up as to feeling any different or in my defense.

Keep in mind we've never been a close family.
And I've always felt like the outsider. When there were family events they all obviously acted much closer and I was treated as the outcast.

I thought that when push ever came to shove my family would have my back.
I've been so wrong about so much for so long.

irisgardens

Lived it as well, Pink...took time to deal with...so glad you are dealing...and would love to hear how the doctor call went.