MB0329

So, last time I posted I was in the throes of a semi-breakup with the man I've been dating for 2+ years. He's an alcoholic who's in denial and has a whole lot of baggage to go with it ...

Anyway, we've been talking and have seen each other twice since the breakup (his initiative) and although I thought I would be fine, I'm not. He goes along acting like nothing has changed (minus the fact that we're no longer in a relationship) and I can't find it in me to do the same. He sent me texts on Valentine's Day saying how I didn't deserve to be alone and that he was going to send me flowers but didn't because he didn't know what I would think, blah blah blah. We met for lunch two days later and I could barely keep it together at the table. The same thing happened last night at dinner. He originally had asked me to bring his suit that was at my house but come to find out, he didn't need it anymore but got together with me anyway because he wanted to see me. He then told me that he misses me. He's still drinking (I don't know how much or how often but he says he's been good about it ) so I can't be his friend right now but at the same time, I can't turn off my feelings for him.

After chatting with one of his ex-girlfriends, this is exactly what he did to her for years. I figured as much but getting that validation has made me feel somewhat better. I'm still working on getting myself to a better place and reading posts on here but I suffered a setback since last night and am back where I was a few weeks ago ...

ladyscribbler

He sent me texts on Valentine's Day saying how I didn't deserve to be alone and that he was going to send me flowers but didn't because he didn't know what I would think, blah blah blah.

Rolling my eyes at this. What a steaming load of quackery. Makes him seem thoughtful but with no actual effort on his part.
Sounds like having contact with him is making this harder on you. He is going to keep manipulating you as long as you allow it.

lillamy

You know, I spent a lot of years attempting to stay friends with my exes. With addicts, that's a losing proposition.

You could choose to box up all his stuff, send it to him, and tell him you need your space (and say no when he calls and asks you out to dinner -- because he will).

AliWProk

He's no friend to you. He's still drinking, so you can't believe anything he says. No contact until treatment completed (if ever) would be my recommendation.

Refiner

Why are you getting together with him when you know it's a no-win situation? You're just doing yourself more harm doing so and also stringing him along which isn't fair to him.

MB0329

The first time I was naive and last night was because I honestly believed that he just needed his things from me. This was it for me, I don't plan on seeing him again until he gets his act together and has a plan for the future. I don't look at it as me stringing along, he knows where I stand.

MB0329

No contact is the way to go. I just have to get myself comfortable with that idea.

Refiner

Ok, well that's good. It sounds like you know what you want and are doing it. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to get his act together though, LOL.

atalose

Only you can decide if you want history to repeat itself for years and years with him being “a friend” as he did with his previous relationship.

He’s not going to change, he didn’t for her, he didn’t for you and he won’t for the next one who’ll tolerate his BS for a while.

I think the suggestion of packing up all of his stuff and giving it back to him and cutting contact at this point is your best option.

HopefulElle

I feel your pain. I am trying to be friends with my xabf right now too. It's the same old BS and pain on a lesser scale. I think my problem is denial. I know he is the same person he was but I am in denial about myself, and my ability to handle him in my life. Maybe you could commit to no contact for a month and see how you feel?

biminiblue

I've never understood the "let's stay friends" thing. I only tried it one time, and that was because we were still married and I had hope - and it only lasted a few months after he moved out.

Every other man I've broken up with, that was the last contact I allowed with them. When they called, "I have nothing to say, goodbye." Then let the answering machine pick up. Nowadays we can block them electronically with our phones. This is excellent! I blocked them on social media (back in the day when I still did social media) and if they came to my work I had someone escort them out and if they knocked on my door I didn't open the door, but said, "I have nothing to say, goodbye."

It may sound sucky and mean - but it was my survival instinct. They are exes for a reason. You burned your bridge, buddy. I wish you well, buh-bye.

LemonGirl

Hmmm.... I am still in contact with my xabf. And for now, it is fine. It's emotional at times, but it doesn't affect my own recovery. I will say, however, that the moment it does is the moment I execute more space. Good kick to you! It's really all about your personal boundaries and current needs. Trust yourself

Ursula745

I'm not a fan of "let's stay friends" either. I am also not a fan of the above. You've left the door open contingent upon him getting his life together. You planning on that happening? You planning on how long you'll wait? I wouldn't plan on it. I think my sentence would be: I don't plan on seeing him again. Period. IF HE CHANGED and I was free, maybe I would entertain something in the future, but I certainly wouldn't while anyone was still actively an A.

LemonGirl

******LUCK, not kick!! Sorry!!!!!

MB0329

Thank you all. Luckily this no contact thing is coming at a good time since he's going away to visit his family in California this weekend. I'm having a difficult time detaching myself from his family.

auroraxborealis

As if losing my X wasn't enough, I'm scared I have to lose his family as well. I too have had my semi-no contact happen at an opportune time. I've relocated for three and a half months for work. It is really nice not having to see him. (I also work with his dad on weekends, and would probably run into X there.) It makes me miss him more, but "hate" him less, if that makes sense. Not really hate, but I don't have a better word right now.

NWGRITS

I really hope you're not holding your breath on this one. Move on. Work on loving yourself for a while. Guaranteed that if you decide to truly have a relationship with yourself first and become a healthier, better adjusted person, you'll wonder what the heck you were doing with him in the first place. However, if you do choose to wait it out to see how he does, you'll likely grow old and be alone and look back and wonder why you wasted all those years waiting for something that was never going to happen.