Need Direction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Need Direction
Hello to all of you.
My AH called today to talk to our kids. He had called Friday night and wanted to talk with them but they were out doing their "things". I told him I would let them both know he had called and wanted to talk with them and I did. They did not call him back. It was their choice not mine but I know he probably thinks that I would not let them.
Anyway to get to the point, he called tonight and told them that he and his "woman" (who was his best friends wife and my friend I thought) were going to be in town next weekend for a Brew Club meeting. (They are members of a home brew club, brewing there own beers, etc) Anyway they will be in town next week end and told my son (15 yrs) that THEY would be coming by. I still love my husband very much and would never try and keep him from talking to or visiting with the kids but I just can't stand the thought of that "woman" being on my property or being in my house. I would really love to be able to tell him not to bring her here but I'm afraid of what that might cause. I have always taught my kids to give people the benefit of the doubt and not to be rude. I don't want them to think I don't practice what I preach but the thought of seeing them together makes me ill. Does anyone have any advice.
The more I think of him bringing her here the more stressed out I get. I'm trying to remember that all of this was his decision but it seems like I am the one paying for it.
Thanks for listening.
Kat
My AH called today to talk to our kids. He had called Friday night and wanted to talk with them but they were out doing their "things". I told him I would let them both know he had called and wanted to talk with them and I did. They did not call him back. It was their choice not mine but I know he probably thinks that I would not let them.
Anyway to get to the point, he called tonight and told them that he and his "woman" (who was his best friends wife and my friend I thought) were going to be in town next weekend for a Brew Club meeting. (They are members of a home brew club, brewing there own beers, etc) Anyway they will be in town next week end and told my son (15 yrs) that THEY would be coming by. I still love my husband very much and would never try and keep him from talking to or visiting with the kids but I just can't stand the thought of that "woman" being on my property or being in my house. I would really love to be able to tell him not to bring her here but I'm afraid of what that might cause. I have always taught my kids to give people the benefit of the doubt and not to be rude. I don't want them to think I don't practice what I preach but the thought of seeing them together makes me ill. Does anyone have any advice.
The more I think of him bringing her here the more stressed out I get. I'm trying to remember that all of this was his decision but it seems like I am the one paying for it.
Thanks for listening.
Kat
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Tell him his "woman" can stay somewhere else
Don't even consider letting this woman around your kids, regardless of your feelings for you AH. He's committing adultery and bringing his mistress around is NOT the example of morality you want your kids to be exposed to. You have to take a firm stand on this, regardless of how much you love your husband. Frankly, it sounds as if he's done something immoral to me - cheating on you and betraying his friend by screwing around with the guy's wife!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
I wish I knew what to tell you but, I don't. I think maybe the best approach is kill them with kindness and grit your teeth behind closed doors. But who can blame you if you do not act nice. I know I have gotten alot more angry when it was a friend that went out with my man than a stranger. I guess because it is 2 people that betrayed you and not just one. Trust God to lead you to the right answers. Lots of hugs to you and chin up you have alot of good things ahead of you in life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Tyler, Texas
Posts: 23
That's a tough one. I think if you weigh everything out and listen to God you will do the right thing for your family. Talk to the kids. See how they feal. And once you have made a decision, stand strong. It will be the right one.
I understand your anger. My ex brought his woman to meet my daughter...get this...
while I was in LABOR!
I was bouncing on one of those giant balls trying not to take any pain killers, with my arse hanging out of my gown, and breathing like a horse when the nurse came into the room telling me they were there and he wanted me to meet her. I think flames actually came out of my mouth! lol
We cannot control their ignorance or inappropriateness. We can make sure that our children do have at least one healthy parent. And you need to be ok for them. Do what gives your kids a happy healthy momma.
my prayers are with you.
angela
I understand your anger. My ex brought his woman to meet my daughter...get this...
while I was in LABOR!
I was bouncing on one of those giant balls trying not to take any pain killers, with my arse hanging out of my gown, and breathing like a horse when the nurse came into the room telling me they were there and he wanted me to meet her. I think flames actually came out of my mouth! lol
We cannot control their ignorance or inappropriateness. We can make sure that our children do have at least one healthy parent. And you need to be ok for them. Do what gives your kids a happy healthy momma.
my prayers are with you.
angela
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Thank you for your thoughts. I found out just recently that while our kids were visiting him in Louisiana that he had THAT WOMAN with them. It just makes me sick. I have to admit though that my kids are taking things much better than I am. I feel, sick and angry and hurt but mostly betrayed. Confused, I am very confused. I really want to be a good Mother and a good person, I just don't know what that means anymore. I don't want my kids to think that what their Dad is doing is right, but I don't want them to think badly of him either. I'm all mixed up. How do I know what the 'right' thing is at this point? I also know my kids are not stupid. They have been around his drinking and verbal abuse all of their lives, but we forgive him and we love him, we miss him and we seem to take what little he wants to throw our way. Writing this makes me realize that I'm as messed up as he is. Sorry to keep going on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Tyler, Texas
Posts: 23
"sorry to keep going on?"
you have to keep going on. and on. And you will.
A good mother?
You are looking at the situation. You are seeking advice when you could be sleeping. You are considering your kid's hearts. You are not trashing him to his kids because you know that that would hurt them.
I know you could add to this list.
A good mother does the things you are doing.
Give yourself some credit girl!
always, angela
you have to keep going on. and on. And you will.
A good mother?
You are looking at the situation. You are seeking advice when you could be sleeping. You are considering your kid's hearts. You are not trashing him to his kids because you know that that would hurt them.
I know you could add to this list.
A good mother does the things you are doing.
Give yourself some credit girl!
always, angela
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
kfa2004....saying a prayer for you and your kids. Don't know what the correct answer would be to your stituation. I think it would depend on how old your kids are...see one of them is 15. At that age..keeping them away from the other woman..might be hard..as they probably want to see their Dad. But if the kids decide..on their own..not to see their Dad..then I would not force the visitation. When kids reach a certain age..don't they have the right to decide wheither to see the other parent? If they don't want the other woman to be there..then I think your husband(exhusband) should grant the kids that right....during visitations.
Think you are doing the correct thing...by giving your kids the phone messages from their Dad. Hopefully not bad-mouthing your Husband(ex) or his live-in lover. Making bad remarks..comments about your husband (ex)...in front of your kids...will not do them any good. Their self esteems are probably low now..with all this going on with their father and his woman friend.
Hang in there and don't give in to the anger and hate you feel for you husband(ex) and his friend. Find ways to let all of this out...without passing it on to your kids. Or seek professional help. Think you are a very intelligent woman and will do the right thing. Just remember time has a way of changing the way we look and feel about stituations. Ten years from now..you will be in a different stituation. Have two friends who have been through this. Know its not easy.Good luck....you are a good mother!! We all go through rough times and need help..don't be afraid to ask for it. Keep posting and remember to take a time-out for yourself.
One added quote..angelar wrote; "
I understand your anger. My ex brought his woman to meet my daughter...get this...
while I was in LABOR!" Now this stituation calls for something totally different. This husband is totally CRAZY!!
Think you are doing the correct thing...by giving your kids the phone messages from their Dad. Hopefully not bad-mouthing your Husband(ex) or his live-in lover. Making bad remarks..comments about your husband (ex)...in front of your kids...will not do them any good. Their self esteems are probably low now..with all this going on with their father and his woman friend.
Hang in there and don't give in to the anger and hate you feel for you husband(ex) and his friend. Find ways to let all of this out...without passing it on to your kids. Or seek professional help. Think you are a very intelligent woman and will do the right thing. Just remember time has a way of changing the way we look and feel about stituations. Ten years from now..you will be in a different stituation. Have two friends who have been through this. Know its not easy.Good luck....you are a good mother!! We all go through rough times and need help..don't be afraid to ask for it. Keep posting and remember to take a time-out for yourself.
One added quote..angelar wrote; "
I understand your anger. My ex brought his woman to meet my daughter...get this...
while I was in LABOR!" Now this stituation calls for something totally different. This husband is totally CRAZY!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
angelar - Thank you for the kind words. I agree with bjmt, your husband showing up with his "friend" while you were in labor is totally nuts.
bjmt - Thank you. I'm not really sure about 10 years from now. My husband and I have been together for 24 years. In fact this week on the 19th is our anniversary. I am trying very hard not to say the things I am thinking about THAT WOMAN, but sometimes it is very hard. To me a betrayal of a friend is one of the worse things we can do as humans. I am also worried about how her husband (ex) is doing. I haven't seen him since all of this started and although I understand how he must feel about me, I would like to know he is doing OK. I haven't figured out yet why I feel guilty about what my husband has done to him but I do.
Yes, kids after the age of 12 can choose what parent they want to live with as well as whether they want to make every visitation. If my kids tell me they want to see or talk to their Dad I always encourage them to do so. If they don't I don't force the issue. They are intelligent, well rounded individuals and can make the decision. I do try to talk to them regularly about how they are feeling and what they might need. I make sure they know they can talk to me about anything. I may not like what they say but I will always be here for them to depend on.
Now I just need to find away to do the same thing for myself.
bjmt - Thank you. I'm not really sure about 10 years from now. My husband and I have been together for 24 years. In fact this week on the 19th is our anniversary. I am trying very hard not to say the things I am thinking about THAT WOMAN, but sometimes it is very hard. To me a betrayal of a friend is one of the worse things we can do as humans. I am also worried about how her husband (ex) is doing. I haven't seen him since all of this started and although I understand how he must feel about me, I would like to know he is doing OK. I haven't figured out yet why I feel guilty about what my husband has done to him but I do.
Yes, kids after the age of 12 can choose what parent they want to live with as well as whether they want to make every visitation. If my kids tell me they want to see or talk to their Dad I always encourage them to do so. If they don't I don't force the issue. They are intelligent, well rounded individuals and can make the decision. I do try to talk to them regularly about how they are feeling and what they might need. I make sure they know they can talk to me about anything. I may not like what they say but I will always be here for them to depend on.
Now I just need to find away to do the same thing for myself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
"Now I just need to find away to do the same thing for myself." ...I totally agree here. You are important. You know every one here will be there for you? Just keep posting and finding ways to help you. Know it isn't easy..but remember "baby steps"..slow and easy. One day at a time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
