I'm here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
I'm here.
I don't have the energy to say much, I spent almost the entire day and night yesterday sleeping.
I wrote goodbye letters to my daughters and my mom.
I took down my facebook.
I blocked my brothers & mom from my phone.
I feel horrible for turning my ringer off and ignoring phone calls and texts from my adult daughters and my best friend (that lives in another state)
I don't have the energy or the will to talk to them.
The more I think about the whole situation with my brothers and mom, the more upset I get.
I KNEW it wouldn't end well. I knew it, as soon as I hit send on the first message to them, I regretted it.
I know I must look like a spoiled brat, ungrateful for the solutions they made for my life with my AH's input.
Someone forgot to ask me.....wow, does that make me feel small.
I've spent today making a list of songs I want played at my funeral. And thinking about what I want to "say" on the funeral program.
Yes, I know how bad that sounds/is.
I KNOW how bad ALL of this is, I've been a freaking psych nurse for years!!!
Like one part of my brain can be rational and clear and the other part not so much.
In a way in my work, I used to BE the suicide hotline. Hows that for ironic.
That's just me being honest, this is the only place I can do so.
I would just be mocked by AH if he knew, and it would freak out anyone else who knew.
With AH in on these "plans" for my life, the next time he comes home ranting and mean drunk, I can just imagine how he's going to throw this all back in my face, how he's going to use it all against me.
And can you imagine living someplace where you know you're not truly wanted and are a burden?
This is all I have energy for.
Thank you for being here.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I wrote goodbye letters to my daughters and my mom.
I took down my facebook.
I blocked my brothers & mom from my phone.
I feel horrible for turning my ringer off and ignoring phone calls and texts from my adult daughters and my best friend (that lives in another state)
I don't have the energy or the will to talk to them.
The more I think about the whole situation with my brothers and mom, the more upset I get.
I KNEW it wouldn't end well. I knew it, as soon as I hit send on the first message to them, I regretted it.
I know I must look like a spoiled brat, ungrateful for the solutions they made for my life with my AH's input.
Someone forgot to ask me.....wow, does that make me feel small.
I've spent today making a list of songs I want played at my funeral. And thinking about what I want to "say" on the funeral program.
Yes, I know how bad that sounds/is.
I KNOW how bad ALL of this is, I've been a freaking psych nurse for years!!!
Like one part of my brain can be rational and clear and the other part not so much.
In a way in my work, I used to BE the suicide hotline. Hows that for ironic.
That's just me being honest, this is the only place I can do so.
I would just be mocked by AH if he knew, and it would freak out anyone else who knew.
With AH in on these "plans" for my life, the next time he comes home ranting and mean drunk, I can just imagine how he's going to throw this all back in my face, how he's going to use it all against me.
And can you imagine living someplace where you know you're not truly wanted and are a burden?
This is all I have energy for.
Thank you for being here.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Pink, know this. You are loved. You are needed. Your AH has major issues, please don't judge your self worth by all of this. And the rate of stress for psych nurses is huge, I know you know that too!
Honey, your daughter needs you. She is becoming a woman. She needs her mom. So when you are stressed out this much, please remember what her life would be without you.
We love you. I am so glad to hear from you. Please keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that we are here, walking this with you. Don't isolate, it's not good for your soul!
Much love and many hugs coming your way!
Honey, your daughter needs you. She is becoming a woman. She needs her mom. So when you are stressed out this much, please remember what her life would be without you.
We love you. I am so glad to hear from you. Please keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that we are here, walking this with you. Don't isolate, it's not good for your soul!
Much love and many hugs coming your way!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Thank you for checking in, Pink. We've all been very concerned for you.
I hope you can grab hold of that part of your brain that can be rational and clear and please call either the suicide or DV hotline -- I promise, this isn't the only place you can be honest.
Your situation is bad right now, but it doesn't have to be bad forever.
I'm rooting for you.
I hope you can grab hold of that part of your brain that can be rational and clear and please call either the suicide or DV hotline -- I promise, this isn't the only place you can be honest.
Your situation is bad right now, but it doesn't have to be bad forever.
I'm rooting for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Sweetpea...want to add my words and care to Hope14...you matter...you are awesome...you knew what to do and how to do it before the qualifiers in your life (your husband in cahoots with Family of Origin and other behaviors) got you drained.
You matter so much...and sending love and care to you...you are a gift to the world...can tell from just the post above...went through a recent period similar and although i didn't write as openly as you here...got myself to my doctor for therapy and meds because it was really really hard.
Know that you are loved and I am glad you posted as well. You are good company and want you back soon and often.
Hugs going your way now and will continue.
You matter so much...and sending love and care to you...you are a gift to the world...can tell from just the post above...went through a recent period similar and although i didn't write as openly as you here...got myself to my doctor for therapy and meds because it was really really hard.
Know that you are loved and I am glad you posted as well. You are good company and want you back soon and often.
Hugs going your way now and will continue.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I think the part of you who posted here is the strongest, most beautiful, survivalist part of you. There is no such thing as a hopeless situation, ever. There is a plan that is perfect out there for all involved, it is just too hard to see with our limited human vision. Put all your trust and faith that the plan is unfolding. Prayers and love ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
At the darkest moments, it is important to remember that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Here is a youtube link for a live version of one of my favorite pick me up songs: It's called Give It One More Day by the Wood Brothers. It's a little bluegrassy but I heard them play once and fell in love. It has a great message. HUGS. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWLQ...=RDMWLQvrbhsyk
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm glad you checked in. I posted on your other thread a way that I think your daughter might be able to attend her same school even if you went to a shelter, and also some possible resources for taking care of your dogs. Please look at that thread--I have some specific contact info for you to use.
Hugs,
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Praying for you Pink, please make that call & talk to someone.
Of all of your choices, this is the most permanent & least likely to accomplish your goals. This might be where you are right now, but it doesn't have to define WHO you are forever.
((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))
Of all of your choices, this is the most permanent & least likely to accomplish your goals. This might be where you are right now, but it doesn't have to define WHO you are forever.
((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 114
Pink I am fairly new here but have been following your threads. You have so many people on SR who care about you. You yourself have said how important your daughters graduation is to her. She needs you! Your suicide would destroy her graduation year and possibly many years to come. Please listen to the other posters and pick up the phone and call for help. Do it now!
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I am VERY concerned about you Pink. I have lost people close to me to suicide and I have been suicidal in the past myself.
Please call the hotline
1 (800) 273-8255
and visit their site
Lifeline
Losing loved ones to suicide is highly traumatic. Please don't do that to your daughter.
Please call the hotline
1 (800) 273-8255
and visit their site
Lifeline
Losing loved ones to suicide is highly traumatic. Please don't do that to your daughter.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 112
Pink, when you are ready to leave - please PM me. I don't have much but I will help you. Trust me, I understand feeling so hopeless, so trapped and so full of hurt and anger.
Trust in God Pink. It's only HIS love that really matters!!
Trust in God Pink. It's only HIS love that really matters!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I just caught up on your threads. I'm so sorry you are hurting like this, and I understand when everything seems so heavy that it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been PARALLELIZED by fear, confusion, and the feeling of hopelessness.
We all may not have given you options that you want to take. Understandable - we aren't living your life.
Please, PLEASE just know that things change. NOTHING in life is permanent. I have SO much faith that one day you will wake up and say "I don't care what I have to do, but I am going to change my life today for the better." And then you will take the steps to do it. I KNOW that you will have that lightbulb AH-HA moment, where you will know exactly what to do, and God help the person that tries to stop you.
We are all rooting for you, we all care about you, and we all want you to have the great life that we know you can! Sending you love, Pink!
We all may not have given you options that you want to take. Understandable - we aren't living your life.
Please, PLEASE just know that things change. NOTHING in life is permanent. I have SO much faith that one day you will wake up and say "I don't care what I have to do, but I am going to change my life today for the better." And then you will take the steps to do it. I KNOW that you will have that lightbulb AH-HA moment, where you will know exactly what to do, and God help the person that tries to stop you.
We are all rooting for you, we all care about you, and we all want you to have the great life that we know you can! Sending you love, Pink!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Pink Peony, as you can see, you have many members who care about you.
We have information we provide to members in times like this. We hope you will reach out and use those resources:
Soberrecovery is a forum for those recovering from alcohol and substance abuse addictions and help for family and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's addiction. Although we care about everyone and all the issues our members struggle with we feel that some topics can cause damage to those who are trying to recover on our forums. Posts with serious suicide threats, details of sexual abuse, and details of sexual addiction are many times too much of a trigger for some of our members and can trigger a relapse in recovery. General discussions are welcome.
If you are in crisis please call your physician, visit a hospital emergency room or call a hotline.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Lifeline
We have information we provide to members in times like this. We hope you will reach out and use those resources:
Soberrecovery is a forum for those recovering from alcohol and substance abuse addictions and help for family and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's addiction. Although we care about everyone and all the issues our members struggle with we feel that some topics can cause damage to those who are trying to recover on our forums. Posts with serious suicide threats, details of sexual abuse, and details of sexual addiction are many times too much of a trigger for some of our members and can trigger a relapse in recovery. General discussions are welcome.
If you are in crisis please call your physician, visit a hospital emergency room or call a hotline.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Lifeline
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
