Question about step work
 

so here I am all ready. . . At least I though so to make amends to a person I hurt and one who is hurt, but need not be. Frankly I don't mind the making an amends part, it's just that I don't want these people in my life in any way shape or form.

The first person was an acquaintance. In fact, she knew my xabf years before when he was married. When I told her about this great guy that I had met, she put 2n2 together and realized that she knew him. She went on to tell me all the horrible things that he had done to his wife. It was 5 years before I met him so as far as I was concerned it was past history. Reeeeeeeally should have listened. Anyway, she never liked him and when she found out we were dating she did everything she could to make his life miserable. She even went to his job and told all of his co workers and boss his past. Pissed me right off. She's done this to other people since and is banned from several establishments in our tiny town.

The second is an ex business partner that can't seem to wrap her head around that fact that the biz closed for no other reason than economy and better competition. She has unsuccessfully tried to sue me numerous times for money that she thinks she's owed, but has failed because I did nothing wrong. I lost money and she lost money. No score draw. She went to Bali on some spiritual journey and brought back a guru with her that has some kind of seminar that will "transform your life". So now after 6 months she's texting me all sweet and gooey wanting me to come to hear said guru so we can "work on our situation and get closure." I don't need closure, have no interest in her latest swami and don't trust her motives any further than I can throw her. She says I have hurt her by not speaking to her. I can't. It's dramatic circular reasoning with her. Maybe it hurt, but I'm not really feeling all that bad about it. She's holding on to her own pain of 6 years ago!

Step 9 says I shouldn't make direct amends unless doing so would harm them or others. As far as I'm concerned it would harm me. Neither of these women are healthy and stable. I don't want them anywhere near me. It took a bit of time for their instability to emerge, but when it did I broke ties. Something I couldn't do with my xabf too well. See no reason to bring more madness into my life.

ESH anyone?

What does your sponsor say about it?

have you worked thru Steps 1 thru 8, thoroughly, first?

I have done 1-8. 9 is always the bugger. My sponsor says that the willingness is enough in this case and I shouldn't take the chance of allowing unhealthy people access to me or put myself in their path. They only made the list because they said that I had hurt them. Which I probably did in the process of protecting myself. I was never mean, vengeful etc. just cut ties be use every time I heard sorry, they were back to the old stuff.

Hello Ducky,

Here is my two cents. I am on Step 9 and only have the personal experience of doing it once with a sponsor thus far. I was surprised how many amends my sponsor nixed.

With the acquaintance, I would not make an amends to her. Since she already has a history and pattern of spreading negative gossip, I would fear an amends would enforce even more of such bad behavior and hurt others in the future.

The business partner - if you have been cleared from being sued, then again I would not bother with an amends.

I don't know that cutting ties with people "harms" them. They may feel hurt or angry, but that sounds more like their issue than something harmful you've done "to" them.

Thanks ya'll. I only put them on the list because THEY had expressed hurt. So, I'm thinking gee maybe I was a witch, but nah. I was clear when I did it and think I've done enough. It's truly their stuff.