how long did you take?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 16
how long did you take?
Hello everyone. I have been thinking that I am taking rather long to fall in love again. People say that love happens when u less expect it. I have never been expecting it actually. I have been very busy with my life and I wonder if this is a bad thing. I mean, i would like to be able to balance the 2 things. But I can't . I m curious to know if you found love again after the relationship with your A partner. How long did it take for you? I still wear the scars of my previous relationship. I am very scared and wary of men. I need to hear a positive story...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Well, I don't know if this is a 'positive' story, but in my experience I tend to take lengthy breaks between partners, anywhere from 1-4 years. Breakups are often difficult for me to go through, and I feel as though I don't want to seek out another girlfriend right away because I worry I'd just end up dumping my emotional baggage from the last relationship on her.
I can empathize with wearing the scars of past relationships. My AXW would ask me a lot of personal questions about my previous girlfriends early on in our relationship, and even though many of those relationships were far in the past, thinking about them again brought back a lot of unpleasant feelings.
I can empathize with wearing the scars of past relationships. My AXW would ask me a lot of personal questions about my previous girlfriends early on in our relationship, and even though many of those relationships were far in the past, thinking about them again brought back a lot of unpleasant feelings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I think you have to have a real concrete understanding of what LOVE means....and what it looks like....and what constitutes as a healthy adult relationship. in short, you have to be centered and balanced and not looking for a fix.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
To be REAL honest here, I am still hoping for some sort of reconciliation. I love and care for my mate deeply, even though we have been separated a year.
If this does not happen, I am okay being single the rest of my life.
If this does not happen, I am okay being single the rest of my life.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Love is more abundant than the stars in the sky and seemingly just as far out of reach. It will happen when you least expect it and you will know. It will feel like a "fix" at first. Always does. And that happy giddy girl in love feeling is grand as long as it's not clouding your reason or has you walking down the aisle in your mind on the first date. Frankly I'm looking forward to it. Just cause some messed up A couldn't see my worth ( heck, he couldn't see his own) doesn't mean no guy will. And next around, you better believe I will be on to the next at the first red flag!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
My marriage to the XAH was a long one. 20+ years. However, we were "roommates" only (my choice - sleeping with drunk and drugged alkies is disgusting to me) from 2009 until we separated in 2012
I have been dating for about a year. Met a lot of frogs. Just recently I started dating one special man. He is a true adult and a gentleman and HOT. No red flags at all. No love bombing either.
There is no rush. Being single and dating can be fun if you go into it with your eyes wide open.
I have been dating for about a year. Met a lot of frogs. Just recently I started dating one special man. He is a true adult and a gentleman and HOT. No red flags at all. No love bombing either.
There is no rush. Being single and dating can be fun if you go into it with your eyes wide open.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Riverwood
Posts: 124
AXBF died 3 years ago this month. After a short codie withdrawal period, I found I just saw a big YouHaul truck full of baggage behind just about any guy out there my age.
I'm disgusted by how people treat each other like objects. This person who once meant everything is now an enemy?! Friends don't treat each other like this.
If I find someone with similar interests, who puts friendship first, I am at the point where I'm open to a relationship.
Not holding my breath...
I'm disgusted by how people treat each other like objects. This person who once meant everything is now an enemy?! Friends don't treat each other like this.
If I find someone with similar interests, who puts friendship first, I am at the point where I'm open to a relationship.
Not holding my breath...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Not long enough. 
But it worked out anyway.
Five years out, I'm still not healed or recovered. But the man I'm married to now is a man I've known since middle school. There's nothing he doesn't know about me, or vice versa. He supported me during the entire divorce mess as a friend, and our friendship gradually grew into love.
It's been wonderful for me, to have a supportive, stable, normal man by my side. It's been a bit more difficult for him to deal with my moods and my self-doubt and my baggage. We've worked through misunderstandings and disagreements calmly and without either one of us once raising our voice. It works.
I had to learn to have the guts to be honest after 20 years of squashing my feelings. He had to be patient with me. Or, rather -- he didn't have to; he chose to.
But Talen's right. Everyone has baggage. It's just a matter of being honest.
And my expectations of a relationship are different now. It sounds super unromantic, but while I love my husband and expect us to be together for the rest of our lives, that's based on how well things are working now. I would not make the mistake again of waiting for a miracle to happen to a dysfunctional relationship. I've served my time in those.
And it's actually a freeing feeling, that feeling that we choose to be together every day. I don't for a second feel obligated -- I'm still giddy every time I wake up and he's there, and I can't wait to get home from work to see him again.
This is not a codependent relationship. We're together because we both want to. We're about as exciting as a November Tuesday with a stubborn rain and fish sticks for dinner. And it's lovely.
But it worked out anyway.
Five years out, I'm still not healed or recovered. But the man I'm married to now is a man I've known since middle school. There's nothing he doesn't know about me, or vice versa. He supported me during the entire divorce mess as a friend, and our friendship gradually grew into love.
It's been wonderful for me, to have a supportive, stable, normal man by my side. It's been a bit more difficult for him to deal with my moods and my self-doubt and my baggage. We've worked through misunderstandings and disagreements calmly and without either one of us once raising our voice. It works.
I had to learn to have the guts to be honest after 20 years of squashing my feelings. He had to be patient with me. Or, rather -- he didn't have to; he chose to.
But Talen's right. Everyone has baggage. It's just a matter of being honest.
And my expectations of a relationship are different now. It sounds super unromantic, but while I love my husband and expect us to be together for the rest of our lives, that's based on how well things are working now. I would not make the mistake again of waiting for a miracle to happen to a dysfunctional relationship. I've served my time in those.
And it's actually a freeing feeling, that feeling that we choose to be together every day. I don't for a second feel obligated -- I'm still giddy every time I wake up and he's there, and I can't wait to get home from work to see him again.
This is not a codependent relationship. We're together because we both want to. We're about as exciting as a November Tuesday with a stubborn rain and fish sticks for dinner. And it's lovely.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
dearme, there is no specific time frame, I'm sure you know that, but love is out there! Sometimes in unexpected places.
After my 19-year marriage ended I had some short-term relationships. Some meant something, some meant nothing. This went on for about 4 years.
I became friends with a coworker. We were both dating others - he, in a long-term but unhappy relationship, me in a short-term one. I saw him as a smart, nice, gentlemanly guy. Never considered him as a romantic partner. We got to know each better, started seeing each other - totally platonic - for drinks once a week, after work. Things changed. It was never the giddy, walking-on-air type of love (I've had that too) but it was love, all the same.
We're together now for 15 years. It is by far the BEST relationship of my life. It came out of left field.
If you're looking for a new guy, keep an open mind, an open heart and a sense of humor. Put yourself out there. I did online dating. It's not for everyone but I accepted the low odds of success. I got two short-term bf's out of it, one with whom I'm still friends many years later, even though the romance with us did not work out.
There are terrific, single guys out there. Don't give up!
After my 19-year marriage ended I had some short-term relationships. Some meant something, some meant nothing. This went on for about 4 years.
I became friends with a coworker. We were both dating others - he, in a long-term but unhappy relationship, me in a short-term one. I saw him as a smart, nice, gentlemanly guy. Never considered him as a romantic partner. We got to know each better, started seeing each other - totally platonic - for drinks once a week, after work. Things changed. It was never the giddy, walking-on-air type of love (I've had that too) but it was love, all the same.
We're together now for 15 years. It is by far the BEST relationship of my life. It came out of left field.
If you're looking for a new guy, keep an open mind, an open heart and a sense of humor. Put yourself out there. I did online dating. It's not for everyone but I accepted the low odds of success. I got two short-term bf's out of it, one with whom I'm still friends many years later, even though the romance with us did not work out.
There are terrific, single guys out there. Don't give up!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
There is a fundamental difference between finding love again and being in a healthy relationship.
Romantic love is fickle. When one party wants to end a relationship, there's often little you can do to persuade them to see things your way. And speaking only for myself, I have no interest of being at anyone's mercy in that way again.
The only way this will change, for me, is if someone knocks my socks off. And I ain't banking on that anytime soon.
Romantic love is fickle. When one party wants to end a relationship, there's often little you can do to persuade them to see things your way. And speaking only for myself, I have no interest of being at anyone's mercy in that way again.
The only way this will change, for me, is if someone knocks my socks off. And I ain't banking on that anytime soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
dearme-
I am five years out from my relationship hitting the rocks and four years from my divorce.
I am only now even thinking about dating.
I still am a little nervous about trusting myself to get out of a situation that does not work for me. Until I feel more comfortable with that I have not right to be in the dating pool.
I am five years out from my relationship hitting the rocks and four years from my divorce.
I am only now even thinking about dating.
I still am a little nervous about trusting myself to get out of a situation that does not work for me. Until I feel more comfortable with that I have not right to be in the dating pool.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I am being very personal here, but Jesus asked me to be his partner in church several months ago. Then a visiting priest last week told us that Jesus often asks people to marry him under those conditions.
Frankly, he is the only one I trust at this point, and I am very happy to be his partner.
Frankly, he is the only one I trust at this point, and I am very happy to be his partner.
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