biminiblue

When I was in my mid thirties I stopped telling my mom anything that she might have any way to twist back and use against me.

I had already moved 3300 miles away. When people ask me "Why did you move here from there?" I often tell the truth and say, "It was as far away as I could get from my mother and still live in the US." I very rarely got any kind of actual empathy from my mother, she just didn't have it in her. Everything got turned around to her needs. I fight against that tendency in myself every day and don't always succeed. I think that's the worst, when we recognize ourselves in our mothers - or rather, our mothers in us.

There is no shame in asking her to go home and/or cutting contact with her. There is also no shame in asking for help from teen aged kids. If they want clean clothes, they'll learn how to do laundry. They aren't going to starve, even a seven year old can make a peanut butter sandwich and eat an apple. Cereal, banana. They'll be fine. I know I get really angry when I think I need to do it all. I don't.

One of the things I read on here is, "Do my part, only my part." I think teen agers are fully capable of keeping the house tidy-ish, fixing food for themselves, their siblings, and you for a few days. Let it go. I hope you can stop beating yourself up for not bouncing back to 100% in two days.

firebolt

Ugg, I'm so sorry. Do you have a neighbor or girlfriend you can call to bring you what you need? I hardly know most of my neighbors, but if one showed up or called me, I'd help in a heartbeat!

Hang in there - wish you had more support there. YEah, Godspeed to your mom...she needs to GO!

freetosmile

I have been pretty high strung here lately- even to you guys and I apologize for that. I really honestly don't think I've ever been under this much pressure before.

I never used to really do ANYTHING for ME- like getting this surgery or pushing for another degree. So I really feel like the stinkin weight of the world is on my shoulders.

You guys have gotten the brunt of that on several occasions here lately and I am sorry. I really don't feel like myself lately.

I'll be ok. Mom has been this way all my life and I should have known better. I didn't call her a paper shredder in therapy for nothing.

And I'm having a hard time figuring out what is my out of whack hormones and what is real. Because I'm all over the frickin place right now on the emotional scale.

Thanks again you guys. And Dandy, I know you are on my side. You always have been. I'm just pretty damn moody I think....ugh.

I love all of you.

biminiblue

You are very brave.

You are beautiful.

You are sexy and feminine.

You're a good mom.

You deserve love.

LexieCat

Somehow I read this as "she was always like having another poultry child to entertain."

Can I get a big "quack"?

free, I'm giving you props whether you want them or not. I think asking your mom to come down was the right thing to do, even if it turned out to be problematic.

And I second the idea of working on building a network of friends you can count on in a pinch. We single ladies have to do that for each other.

hopeful4

Free....we are here for you to vent, so vent away!

Hoping you feel better! XXX

freetosmile

dandylion

free....Hey...no need to apologize at all!

dandylion

redatlanta

I'm sorry she has been such a pain in the a$$. I am hopeful at the very least that she did take you to the hospital and pick you up and also that she fed your children and took care of them when you were in the hospital.

Might be time for her to pick up and move along.

I don't see any reason why you can't contact AH for food. Those are his kids - he has a responsibility to provide food for them whether he is there or not and he always will. Why not make a list and send it to him and ask him to leave them on the porch or wherever.

Maybe your mom would at least bring the bags in. If not your kids can.

Sorry for all the stress you have endured. I take it your ovaries were removed - did they give you any hormone replacement?

As for the BM issue if you are willing to ask AH to pick up food might he also pick up some over the counter meds for you? If you need immediate relief an enema is probably your best bet.

I hope you are feeling better.

freetosmile

Yuk to enemas!! Having said that I realize that it is a real possibility of needing one. Gag!!!!

And no, in fact, my mother did not feed the kids. They have been living off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches....ugh.

And no, I still have my ovaries.. Which is why the hormone thing is so strange to me. Doc said it takes some time for the body to adjust to just having ovaries, so I could be pretty hormonal for a while. But my boobs hurt too. They are swollen and tender.... So who knows.

Turns out I didn't have pelvic congestion syndrome after all. I had adenomyosis. Which is like endometriosis except that instead of the uterine cells invading and attaching to other organs or outside the uterus, the cells invade the muscle of the uterus. They have me a picture of my uterus and it was very very enlarged and boggy. So I'm glad to have taken it out.

AH is going grocery shopping for me today and will bring it out. Then he is going to help mom pick up her new car.....

I will still go to my midterm tomorrow. I am going to lay down for a while and then I will study.

Hugs to you all

redatlanta

Dude - I'd rather use an enema and get it over with than take a couple laxative and wake up at 5 am feeling like someone just stabbed me. Then there is the run to the bathroom mumbling "please God oh please let me make it' while running into everything in harm's way because you didn't have time to turn on the light in haste to make it to the toilet.

Fun times.

freetosmile

good point

Sotiredofitall

Ahhh, adenomyosis.....Been there done that!!!!! I so totally get what you were going through and the good news is the hyst was the best thing I ever, ever did. You will feel so much better. My doc had misdiagnosed mine and after assisting with surgery came and apologized for the pain I'd lived through as a result. I couldn't walk more than a few feet at a time and would spend most of my time on the couch as a result of the pain. I was suicidal when he suggested surgery. You will come back feeling so much better Free. I gave up the ovaries so hormone replacement for a while. I too, got tender breasts and hormone fluctuations. Your body is adjusting to the loss of a big hormone producer so expect some changes short term. It does get much, much better~ Big hugs. Wish I could come and help for a couple of weeks.

Eauchiche

You are in a vulnerable place right now. It is so hard to need our Mommy at a time like this, and she is not available.

I wish I could be there to help you right now. As it is, I will pray to the Good Lord to bring you other sisters and mommies to bridge the gap.

You sound like a wonderful lady. Please hang in there and keep coming back!!!

FeelingGreat

FTS your mother sounds like a nightmare. Congratulate yourself on getting away and building a life full of achievements.

I've had 2 friends who've had the same op as you, and yes, it took them a couple of months to completely recover. Most of that was the body adjusting the hormone balance. Please don't be afraid to ask for deferment on studies/exams. You can only push yourself so far.

Refiner

Oh good GRIEF this pretty much says it all about her, too. Get RID of her! This could be a real turning point for you in whatever relationship you have with her. If I were you, I would take this opportunity to give her a lesson or two. When she returns triumphant in her feat of gaining her new car (perhaps that was her motive to visit all along??), I would promptly tell her she must leave immediately. I would tell her you needed her to be there for you and iinstead, she has made you an emotional wreck that has left a wake of disaster for you to clean up instead of offering her HELP. And how DARE she try and "one up" you with her "bouncing back the next day"... yeah right. She's a piece of work all right. You knew what to expect and we didn't listen to YOU. Get her out of your house before she can cause more damage. My best to you and your healing, Free!

HopefulElle

I would be completely annoyed if I were you!! I don 't find your feelings unreasonable at all.

I almost started a thread on how much my mother is annoying me, and then found yours so I'll share here: I'm trying to get my house ready to sell because I can't afford to stay here anymore. It's a big house and I've lived here a long time. The change is a lot of work but positive because it is going to relieve financial pressure and simplify my life. Every time my mom comes by here, she gets all weepy and sentimental which is the absolute LAST thing I need. Honestly, I wanted to slap her today. I know that is incredibly unhealthy, but everything from my childhood came flooding back to me. I resent the way she--as an ACOA--modeled her weak codie behavior for me, I resent her selfishness, and I resent the fact that when I need her help the most, all she shows me is more weakness. I am plowing through all of this totally alone. And I won't even discuss her house which is like something from an episode of Hoarders that I'm going to have to deal with some day.

I guess she can't do any better than she is doing, and that I should find compassion for her. All I feel though, is anger and annoyance. So I understand how you feel, and I agree with everyone that maybe you should get your mom to leave so you can recover from your surgery in peace.

I think this all comes down to expectations which is the subject of another thread.

cookiesncream

Just glanced through this thread. Your mother is a piece of work and you have every right to feel the way you do. See this is why I respect you "friends and family" so much. You deal with this kind of crap and survive it sober. Heck just reading about your mother makes me want to drink and I'm not the one dealing with her! Time for me to go do some more knitting instead (just learned it and beats a hangover!).


Peace,

Cookies

LemonGirl

Oh my no! You should be much more attended to!

Delete me if I'm over-stepping here, but if she has always been like this, it is no wonder you have found yourself as a codependent! The guilt for asking for anything would do the trick to any child to make him/her feel as if their feelings weren't valid. Sorry FTS! I can relate on a smaller scale, and maybe that's why I have this perspective. But regardless, a resounding NO to your question. btw, we should all probably beef up our support systems outside of these dysfunctional relationships. I have found that sooooo necessary in my life!

NWGRITS

Do we share a mother? Seriously. She sounds just like mine.

Up and bouncing around the day after a hysterectomy? Uh, no. Mine is coming up soon and I've been told I'll be in the hospital 2-3 days and will do some walking, but that's about it. Definitely no bouncing. It's a 6-8 week recovery. Your mom is full of sh*t.

Take the enema. I have Crohn's Disease and wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. The enema is one-and-done. The laxative is pure misery.