myfreedom

Kids and I left AH back in September. We are all doing good, everyone is happy. BUT........ AH still drinks only not nearly as much. He has made some changes (I think). His whole outlook just seems so different. He says he realizes everything he did to his family and he is sooo sorry. He wants to be the man that I deserve, the kids deserve. He is ready to put everything behind us and start a brand new life with no heartaches, give me the world, show the kids what a happy, loving family is. He texts me 20 -40 times a day with his love stories. Alot of times, i do not respond. He is trying so hard to convince me that things are going to be the way I have always wanted. I can feel myself slowly starting to believe. I have been fine this whole time, haven't missed him, thought about us or nothing. I was moving on. Something is pulling at me and I do not want that to happen again. I am happy with my life right now. He is still full of **** after 6 months of this behavior, or is he really sincere this time?

LexieCat

You've been here before, remember? You were posting about how "different" he sounded, and that he wanted to make it all up to you and the kids.

A short time later you posted about how he terrified your children, driving drunk with them in the car.

What in the world would suggest anything has changed?

ladyscribbler

If he's still drinking then any changes will be short-lived and probably last only until he gets what he wants. I returned to my ex after a trial separation when he was supposedly "working on" his drinking (but not actually getting sober or working any kind of recovery).
It was a disaster, and I regret wasting my time, love, energy, serenity and sanity on what ended up just being a ploy to get what he wanted- a return to the status quo.
You have to do what's right for you and your kids. I know it's hard. Sending you hugs and strength.

AnvilheadII

20-40 texts a DAY??? does he not have a job? 14 year olds text a lot.....full grown adults should NOT. please tell me that's not all it takes to soften you up?

CodeJob

My H could not moderate. I will not live with him any longer if he returns to drinking. I've been thru enough after 18 Y of his alcohol abuse.

The texting sounds a tad excessive. To me, it sounds like he is like a siren pulling you in. Or a duck. Quack.

But you might have another round in you. Only you can decide.

myfreedom

No I do not have anymore rounds left in me. Maybe because he hasn't been drunk and idiotic. He has never gone this long on such a "good" streak. I don't want to give up what I have now or how far I have come. Something is just getting to me, and idk what it is.

dandylion

myfreedom....I wonder if that-- "something is just getting to me" is a feeling of guilt?
Guilt is a very pesky, sneaky emotion...and so-dependents seem to have an excess of it, generally.
And...our qualifiers know how to locate and push our guilt buttons with great skill....

dandylion

myfreedom

I sometimes wonder that. Making me feel guilty that I am throwing away a perfect chance for us to be a family again?????

fluffyflea

They have a way of saying what we want to hear.....

A good friend of mine once said" watch the feet,not the lips."

Jupiters

but if he's still drinking...that chance isn't going to happen.
You'll be right back where you started.

gettingstronger

You separated in September? September may sound like a long time in the past, but it's not.
Give this more time. You don't *have* to choose today. Sending hugs

ShootingStar1

"Not drinking as much" is NOT "not drinking". It is not a commitment to no alcohol, to recovery, to AA and 90 meetings, to counseling.

What about telling him No Contact (except for minimal texts regarding the children only) for at least 9 months, renewal for how ever long you want on your say-so, and IF he has achieved serious sobriety in a program, THEN, you will consider if your relationship has potential.

Right now, he is doing a major PR campaign and he has YOU on the hot seat, worrying about what you may be missing for yourself and your children, and feeling guilty about not giving him what he wants.

However, it is HIS behavior that has caused the problems in your relationship and family. Texting you 20 to 40 times is not solving his problem. It is a flagrant and intrusive expression of his problem, on your nickel.

To me, it looks like a continuation of the alcoholic's compelling desire to keep what they want most, alcohol, while they flail about chasing what they may lose because of the alcohol. His reasoning has not changed at all. He is not really showing any comprehension of the grief, disruption, and pain he has caused you. He just wants to promise that somehow, magically, "it will get better" because he wants it to, not because he will do the work.

You need a husband, not an addicted boy. Tell him if he wants you back, he needs to man up, make the choice to get sober and follow through for a year, and leave you alone in the process. When he can come back to you as a sober partner, and he will know what that means if he truly begins to recover, then is the time to entertain a future together.

One thing I noticed when my now XAH was entreating me to return, was that there were cycles in his behavior. He would offer me the sun, moon and stars if I would return, but when I didn't, he turned angry and abusive again.

It may be that if you reset your no contact boundary with your AH, he will reveal more of where he truly is emotionally and you will see if he is serious or not.

ShootingStar1

myfreedom

Maybe that is what I will do, no contact unless regarding kids, although I have tried this before. I know deep down that there is no chance of reconciliation, but he still gets to me at times.

Liveitwell

My freedom...pm me for more info on this. I went through the wringer on this over the last 6 months....it was beyond awful. I can share my story with you - but I was where you are a little over 6 months ago. He has not changed-he's just stringing you along until the next time.

lillamy

He texts you 20-40 times a day???
That's not love. That's stalking.

CodeJob

You can learn a lot reading the Newcomers and Alcoholism boards here. Particularly when they discuss moderation or whether or not I am an A. You will come to see a lot of familiar denial tactics and tropes. It might help you recognize aspects of the disease in your H.

Take care of your kids and yourself. Build trust in yourself.

SparkleKitty

When someone truly desires recovery, they stop TALKING and TEXTING about it and just start DOING it.

Without having to check in 20 - 40 times a day to convince anyone it's "real this time".

biminiblue

How do you know he's not drinking "as much"? Did he tell you that? It's pretty easy to say you're sober via text.

Anyone who texts 20-40 times a day is not well. That is obsessive and controlling and it doesn't smell like any type of recovery to me. After six months of separation, I would think he would have started to move on. That's creepy, if you ask me.

I had an ex who did that - he was scary. He also set up surveillance of me from the hill across the street. He would also come to my work and just hang out and watch me. I finally got the police to warn him off telling him it was prosecutable stalking.

It reminds me of Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction." I can just see him obsessing over his phone all. day. long.

hopeful4

That does not sound healthy to me, at all. I'm sorry.

Refiner

Why not just tell the truth and what's really going on and tell him you're happy right now? And by the way, you don't Need to do ANYTHING just bc he wants to. Give it a full year or something bc with that many texts a day I can guarantee that much more will be revealed between now and next September.