Seeking comfort and support
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
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Seeking comfort and support
Hi all,
I'm a twenty-something dating a thirty-something who is an alcoholic. I've been with him for over a year now and I have struggled with his addiction. As a nurse, I have a "few tricks up my sleeve" to try and make him seek help, yet he is very resistant. A common form of his resistance includes believing that he can control his alcohol when he in fact cannot. He is powerless over alcohol and I have spent countless tears, arguments, and drunken episodes trying to understand.
One of the worst feelings in a relationship is feeling that it is not a two way street. My profession requires helping others but I am forced to constantly give my all (in a one way street) with my patients as a ethical and responsible duty. With that being said, my social relationship with my boyfriend is not a two way street due to him being an alcoholic. He is 35 years old, never been married, with no children and has so much potential. He is a teacher and it seems to not be affecting his work. But it certainly affects his family and myself. He drinks to excess and his behavior is unacceptable. He flips the switch and suddenly wants to punch my car windows out. His sips turn to gulps, chugs, shots, multiple glasses, and before you know it, he is vegetable life. He loses his personal belongings. He's had two DUI's and puts other's lives in danger. He says hurtful things. I cannot understand him when he speaks. But the most powerful thing of all, is that he makes me feel alone. He isn't "with me." Hence the word "vegetable-like." He's half-alive.
This never ending cycle physically and mentally exhausts me. I do not want to run because he is a WONDERFUL person when he is sober. But I am feeling depleted lately and his actions pull every nerve, heart cell, and energy source out of me.
I'm a twenty-something dating a thirty-something who is an alcoholic. I've been with him for over a year now and I have struggled with his addiction. As a nurse, I have a "few tricks up my sleeve" to try and make him seek help, yet he is very resistant. A common form of his resistance includes believing that he can control his alcohol when he in fact cannot. He is powerless over alcohol and I have spent countless tears, arguments, and drunken episodes trying to understand.
One of the worst feelings in a relationship is feeling that it is not a two way street. My profession requires helping others but I am forced to constantly give my all (in a one way street) with my patients as a ethical and responsible duty. With that being said, my social relationship with my boyfriend is not a two way street due to him being an alcoholic. He is 35 years old, never been married, with no children and has so much potential. He is a teacher and it seems to not be affecting his work. But it certainly affects his family and myself. He drinks to excess and his behavior is unacceptable. He flips the switch and suddenly wants to punch my car windows out. His sips turn to gulps, chugs, shots, multiple glasses, and before you know it, he is vegetable life. He loses his personal belongings. He's had two DUI's and puts other's lives in danger. He says hurtful things. I cannot understand him when he speaks. But the most powerful thing of all, is that he makes me feel alone. He isn't "with me." Hence the word "vegetable-like." He's half-alive.
This never ending cycle physically and mentally exhausts me. I do not want to run because he is a WONDERFUL person when he is sober. But I am feeling depleted lately and his actions pull every nerve, heart cell, and energy source out of me.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Sorry for the reason you've found us, but we're glad you're here. Welcome 
I'm with CodeJob, read.
At the top of the forum, there are a lot of sticky threads. (They actually say "sticky")
Link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'm with CodeJob, read.
At the top of the forum, there are a lot of sticky threads. (They actually say "sticky")
Link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
The sober and the drunk are the same man, and alcoholism is progressive.
You've realized you cannot control it, and I'm sorry to say that this may be as good as it gets.
He may, after losing his job, hurting someone driving, or ending up in jail
(which is where he may be heading from your descriptions of his behavior)
choose to seek help, but he the right to drink if that's how he want to live his life.
Meanwhile, what do you want to do for you to reclaim your life?
It sounds like you've given until you have nothing left.
What do you need and want in partner?
How can you take care of yourself and recharge your battery?
Hugs during a very difficult time RedDog. It's hard to love an addict.
As others have said, read the stickys and some posts. You aren't alone.
You've realized you cannot control it, and I'm sorry to say that this may be as good as it gets.
He may, after losing his job, hurting someone driving, or ending up in jail
(which is where he may be heading from your descriptions of his behavior)
choose to seek help, but he the right to drink if that's how he want to live his life.
Meanwhile, what do you want to do for you to reclaim your life?
It sounds like you've given until you have nothing left.
What do you need and want in partner?
How can you take care of yourself and recharge your battery?
Hugs during a very difficult time RedDog. It's hard to love an addict.
As others have said, read the stickys and some posts. You aren't alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
After reading many of the postings, I have not had a dry eye. I see a common theme and this site makes me realize that it is so REAL.
I must be kind to myself but I insist on helping others. I have to realize that I cannot control him nor fantasize about his potential(s) in life because that is not who he is today.
*Hugs back* Thanks for the support and kind words.
I must be kind to myself but I insist on helping others. I have to realize that I cannot control him nor fantasize about his potential(s) in life because that is not who he is today.
*Hugs back* Thanks for the support and kind words.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One thing important to remember: he isn't your patient. He didn't come to you for help with his alcoholism. He will be HIGHLY resistant to your pleas and entreaties and efforts to "educate" him. So your "insistence" on helping others is better directed toward those whose job it is for you to help.
My SUGGESTION is that you look for a relationship that gives you that "two-way street." It could be years and years--decades--before this man decides he's had enough. Or he may never get there--lots of alcoholics never do. If you stay with him, the day will come when he will lose his job (however "functional" he seems right now it will eventually affect his performance on the job or he will lose it when he loses his license), physically hurt or kill someone driving drunk, or some similar calamity. At BEST, you will continue to have an unsatisfying, frustrating, demoralizing relationship with him, which, again, will further deteriorate over time. Alcoholism is progressive, so what you're seeing right now is the BEST you will ever see, until and unless he decides to live sober for good and do all the hard work that that entails. Right now there's no indication that he wants that.
You might want to check out Al-Anon (and even some "open" AA meetings) to educate yourself about alcoholism and to help you make good decisions for yourself and your future.
My SUGGESTION is that you look for a relationship that gives you that "two-way street." It could be years and years--decades--before this man decides he's had enough. Or he may never get there--lots of alcoholics never do. If you stay with him, the day will come when he will lose his job (however "functional" he seems right now it will eventually affect his performance on the job or he will lose it when he loses his license), physically hurt or kill someone driving drunk, or some similar calamity. At BEST, you will continue to have an unsatisfying, frustrating, demoralizing relationship with him, which, again, will further deteriorate over time. Alcoholism is progressive, so what you're seeing right now is the BEST you will ever see, until and unless he decides to live sober for good and do all the hard work that that entails. Right now there's no indication that he wants that.
You might want to check out Al-Anon (and even some "open" AA meetings) to educate yourself about alcoholism and to help you make good decisions for yourself and your future.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
RD- you have come to the right place for help and understanding.
IMO the best thing you can do is let him be and you go on with your life. He is not ready to hit rock bottom and get help, even after 2 dui's. Keep reading SR, hit an alanon meeting or an open AA meeting. You will see how low the A can go from all the stories you will hear. Take care of yourself and when he is ready to get help I am sure he will reach out to you.
Old saying: If you leave him and he gets sober, good for you.....
If you leave him and he doesnt get sober, good for you.
(((((hugs my friend))))))))))
IMO the best thing you can do is let him be and you go on with your life. He is not ready to hit rock bottom and get help, even after 2 dui's. Keep reading SR, hit an alanon meeting or an open AA meeting. You will see how low the A can go from all the stories you will hear. Take care of yourself and when he is ready to get help I am sure he will reach out to you.
Old saying: If you leave him and he gets sober, good for you.....
If you leave him and he doesnt get sober, good for you.
(((((hugs my friend))))))))))
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
This never ending cycle physically and mentally exhausts me.
Make sure that you are taking the best possible care of YOU. Everything about your life and future depends on you being healthy.
sending hugs
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Hi RedDog735 welcome and I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Loving an addict is heartbreaking stuff, seeing so much potential in someone but not having that actual potential realised as part of who they are and within the relationship is agony.
Sadly he has to realise that he can't control his addiction and get the necessary help in doing so, and if he does that's great, but if it seems like he won't it's up to you to decide if this man in his current state, and this relationship in it's current state is ok for you, and it sounds like it's not.
There are so many stories here, this place has been a saviour to me in trying to understand my axbf and trying to come to terms with walking away from him and the man I still deeply love but who was taking everything from me physically and emotionally until I became just as sick as him.
I hope you keep reading and posting, and I hope you can find clarity and strength to do what you think is right for you. Hugs.
Sadly he has to realise that he can't control his addiction and get the necessary help in doing so, and if he does that's great, but if it seems like he won't it's up to you to decide if this man in his current state, and this relationship in it's current state is ok for you, and it sounds like it's not.
There are so many stories here, this place has been a saviour to me in trying to understand my axbf and trying to come to terms with walking away from him and the man I still deeply love but who was taking everything from me physically and emotionally until I became just as sick as him.
I hope you keep reading and posting, and I hope you can find clarity and strength to do what you think is right for you. Hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 42
When my guy started drinking he told me, "don't worry, S, I can handle it this time. After a few years it became, "nobody tells me what to do" and after a few years of trying to get him to stop I just quit trying. This a progressive disease and it will progress until they die, go crazy, or get help. My guy went crazy and then died. He hurt me and our children. I was with him for 30 years -- the first 8 were bliss and the last 22 were pretty bad. He went from my best friend to a guy I did not even recognize or know. He lost his personality, looks, ambition, and mind and finally his life.
Really think about what you want for your life because this will not be an easy path for you. I still can't believe the guy I married would die an addict and alcoholic. For years as my sons have been fighting their disease I didn't even buy that he had one. My sons did not do anything to get their disease except being born. He took the first step into his disease so I do believe he had a disease but he had treatment options that could have helped him. I lost him twice -- once in 1992 and his body died in 2014. I know that my guy loved me very much and I loved him but he would not overcome drinking. It is so hard to see someone that you love go crazy and turn into a horrible monster. I would never have believed my wonderful husband could ever become what he did at the end. We were barely talking and once he started drinking again I was never able to tell him what he had meant to me in our good years.
His bad was so bad that for a while I even forgot he was ever good. It took me watching our old home movies (after he died) that helped me remember what our life was and could have continued to be if he had the ambition to really go to rehab and work the program, any program. I miss my husband very much -- the monster -- not so much.
Really think about what you want for your life because this will not be an easy path for you. I still can't believe the guy I married would die an addict and alcoholic. For years as my sons have been fighting their disease I didn't even buy that he had one. My sons did not do anything to get their disease except being born. He took the first step into his disease so I do believe he had a disease but he had treatment options that could have helped him. I lost him twice -- once in 1992 and his body died in 2014. I know that my guy loved me very much and I loved him but he would not overcome drinking. It is so hard to see someone that you love go crazy and turn into a horrible monster. I would never have believed my wonderful husband could ever become what he did at the end. We were barely talking and once he started drinking again I was never able to tell him what he had meant to me in our good years.
His bad was so bad that for a while I even forgot he was ever good. It took me watching our old home movies (after he died) that helped me remember what our life was and could have continued to be if he had the ambition to really go to rehab and work the program, any program. I miss my husband very much -- the monster -- not so much.
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Originally Posted by ForeverAlways 
His bad was so bad that for a while I even forgot he was ever good. It took me watching our old home movies (after he died) that helped me remember what our life was and could have continued to be if he had the ambition to really go to rehab and work the program, any program. I miss my husband very much -- the monster -- not so much.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by RedDog735
I tend to outweigh the bad with the good. It hurts. Makes me wonder why I stay with him after all of this heart break. I also see that monster you've mentioned starting to progress day in and out. His father is a recovering alcoholic, and his father was one as well. So on and so on. It is a progressive disease and is also highly genetic. He has two sisters who can socially drink and manage their alcohol just fine, yet he cannot. It is absolutely heart wrenching.
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I just feel that this disease is now my own. It effects me in a way that is unexplainable. It causes me an incredible amount of pain. I feel that I am trying to give him the discipline he did not get as an adolescent when he drinks. It's sickening. It's childish. It's unbearable.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Originally Posted by RedDog735
I just feel that this disease is now my own. It effects me in a way that is unexplainable. It causes me an incredible amount of pain. I feel that I am trying to give him the discipline he did not get as an adolescent when he drinks. It's sickening. It's childish. It's unbearable.
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I feel that I am trying to give him the discipline he did not get as an adolescent when he drinks. It's sickening. It's childish. It's unbearable.
With all kindness this ^^^is above your pay grade. For whatever reason your AB is an alcoholic be it organic, environment or a combo of both you cannot fix him. I promise you - you can't.
I just feel that this disease is now my own.
That's an accurate statement. You are most likely as sick as he is in a different way with codependency. Maybe you are actually sicker than him. Its very possible.
Hope you stick around. Your life doesn't have to be this way.
With all kindness this ^^^is above your pay grade. For whatever reason your AB is an alcoholic be it organic, environment or a combo of both you cannot fix him. I promise you - you can't.
I just feel that this disease is now my own.
That's an accurate statement. You are most likely as sick as he is in a different way with codependency. Maybe you are actually sicker than him. Its very possible.
Hope you stick around. Your life doesn't have to be this way.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by RedDog735
I just feel that this disease is now my own. It effects me in a way that is unexplainable. It causes me an incredible amount of pain. I feel that I am trying to give him the discipline he did not get as an adolescent when he drinks. It's sickening. It's childish. It's unbearable.
Incidentally, I apologize for not welcoming you. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and I know all too well how painful and frustrating it is. Stick around here, you will learn a lot.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
I feel that I am trying to give him the discipline he did not get as an adolescent when he drinks. It's sickening. It's childish. It's unbearable.
With all kindness this ^^^is above your pay grade. For whatever reason your AB is an alcoholic be it organic, environment or a combo of both you cannot fix him. I promise you - you can't.
I just feel that this disease is now my own.
That's an accurate statement. You are most likely as sick as he is in a different way with codependency. Maybe you are actually sicker than him. Its very possible.
Hope you stick around. Your life doesn't have to be this way.
With all kindness this ^^^is above your pay grade. For whatever reason your AB is an alcoholic be it organic, environment or a combo of both you cannot fix him. I promise you - you can't.
I just feel that this disease is now my own.
That's an accurate statement. You are most likely as sick as he is in a different way with codependency. Maybe you are actually sicker than him. Its very possible.
Hope you stick around. Your life doesn't have to be this way.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Posts: 178
Originally Posted by LexieCat
How can you "discipline" an adult partner in a relationship? I don't want to make assumptions about what you mean by that, but it doesn't sound like an appropriate response.
Incidentally, I apologize for not welcoming you. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and I know all too well how painful and frustrating it is. Stick around here, you will learn a lot.
Incidentally, I apologize for not welcoming you. I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and I know all too well how painful and frustrating it is. Stick around here, you will learn a lot.
I am not saying that I discipline him like an adolescent. I am saying that sometimes when he drinks and I am trying to reason with him, it is like trying to discipline a troubled adolescent. If you will….
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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It is completely useless to reason with someone who is drunk. He doesn't need a "firm hand" or guidance. He needs to decide, for himself, that he is done with drinking, and willing to do what it takes to get sober and stay that way. I know of no way to "hurry it up." My first husband got sober at age 21 and he has stayed that way for 35 years. My second husband almost died of alcohol-related liver/kidney failure, yet went back to drinking himself to death. What I did or did not do/say had nothing to do with the outcome in either case.
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