Seeking comfort and support
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
It is completely useless to reason with someone who is drunk. He doesn't need a "firm hand" or guidance. He needs to decide, for himself, that he is done with drinking, and willing to do what it takes to get sober and stay that way. I know of no way to "hurry it up." My first husband got sober at age 21 and he has stayed that way for 35 years. My second husband almost died of alcohol-related liver/kidney failure, yet went back to drinking himself to death. What I did or did not do/say had nothing to do with the outcome in either case.
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Welcome Red Dog! I like your name 
I think as a young nurse you have that innate wanting to help and heal mode going on. Sadly, that doesn't help with alcoholism which he obviously has. And ppl are saying read up bc there is much to learn for you and this board is a great source. And Lexie meant no harm in the you are also sick... It has to do with codependency. Learn up on why you feel the need to help him in order to help yourself (and go crazy in the process) It's eye opening and the only start for YOUR healing. HIS healing is his own if he even chooses it.
I think as a young nurse you have that innate wanting to help and heal mode going on. Sadly, that doesn't help with alcoholism which he obviously has. And ppl are saying read up bc there is much to learn for you and this board is a great source. And Lexie meant no harm in the you are also sick... It has to do with codependency. Learn up on why you feel the need to help him in order to help yourself (and go crazy in the process) It's eye opening and the only start for YOUR healing. HIS healing is his own if he even chooses it.
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He flips the switch and suddenly wants to punch my car windows out.
This worries me. My ex started out putting holes in walls and destroying furniture and things, which eventually progressed to physical violence against me and finally against my oldest son.
Of course I NEVER thought he would hurt me or the kids, but with a violent drunk there are no guarantees. Please be safe, take care of you.
He is a grown man making his own choices. He has a right to drink. That is his choice. You can choose what kind of life you want, if you'd rather have a partner who is capable of a mature, adult relationship then you have a right to pursue that.
You can't fix this man. You can't change him or save him from himself, but he can drag you to hell. Believe me, if any of us knew some magic words to make an alcoholic see the light we'd be shouting them from the rooftops.
Take care of yourself, decide what kind of life you want, be realistic about whether or not this man is long term relationship material AS HE IS RIGHT NOW, not if he gets sober.
This can help you. Try a few meetings until you find one you like.
http://al-anon.alateen.org/al-anon-in-maryland
This worries me. My ex started out putting holes in walls and destroying furniture and things, which eventually progressed to physical violence against me and finally against my oldest son.
Of course I NEVER thought he would hurt me or the kids, but with a violent drunk there are no guarantees. Please be safe, take care of you.
He is a grown man making his own choices. He has a right to drink. That is his choice. You can choose what kind of life you want, if you'd rather have a partner who is capable of a mature, adult relationship then you have a right to pursue that.
You can't fix this man. You can't change him or save him from himself, but he can drag you to hell. Believe me, if any of us knew some magic words to make an alcoholic see the light we'd be shouting them from the rooftops.
Take care of yourself, decide what kind of life you want, be realistic about whether or not this man is long term relationship material AS HE IS RIGHT NOW, not if he gets sober.
This can help you. Try a few meetings until you find one you like.
http://al-anon.alateen.org/al-anon-in-maryland
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Welcome Red Dog! I like your name I think as a young nurse you have that innate wanting to help and heal mode going on. Sadly, that doesn't help with alcoholism which he obviously has. And ppl are saying read up bc there is much to learn for you and this board is a great source. And Lexie meant no harm in the you are also sick... It has to do with codependency. Learn up on why you feel the need to help him in order to help yourself (and go crazy in the process) It's eye opening and the only start for YOUR healing. HIS healing is his own if he even chooses it.
I think as a young nurse you have that innate wanting to help and heal mode going on. Sadly, that doesn't help with alcoholism which he obviously has. And ppl are saying read up bc there is much to learn for you and this board is a great source. And Lexie meant no harm in the you are also sick... It has to do with codependency. Learn up on why you feel the need to help him in order to help yourself (and go crazy in the process) It's eye opening and the only start for YOUR healing. HIS healing is his own if he even chooses it.Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I am intrigued by your statements. "You are most likely as sick as he is in a different way with codependency. Maybe you are actually sicker than him." Not too sure what you mean by this, care to share?
The first time i heard this word in relation to me, i laughed and thought 'no possible way, I've always been accused of being too independent. I am the exception.'
4 years later and still with an alcoholic, and trying to claw my way out with my sanity and sense of self in tact, i can tell you with all certainty that i am codependant. You can spare yourself a year or more of your life googling how to fix him or how to convince him to get better by researching codependency starting now.
When i first got here, i kept thinking...im not like that, my alcoholic boyfriend is not like that, and i just need to get him to see. 4 years later, my boyfriend has progressed in his addiction. He has done many of the things i didnt think he was capable of, and the same goes for me. We are not the exception, and you probably arent either. I am so sorry, we all know your misery well.
I recommend starting here, and buying Codependant no more, and the language of letting go. Best of luck...stick around...youll find a lot of support here.
Codependency Quiz | Codependency No More
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Originally Posted by RedDog735
...sometimes when he drinks and I am trying to reason with him, it is like trying to discipline a troubled adolescent.
I don't understand the denial mechanism, but I do understand my codependency/desire to control mechanism and it almost drove me crazy.
It is what it is. A little over a year ago, I went no-contact after I had left him several years earlier. I knew there was nothing any longer I could do to make my husband quit drinking, but I still loved him.
Finally, I realized he was still able to impact me in a negative way and it was hurting ME, not just him. It's difficult to stop trying to save an alcoholic, but oftentimes they simply do not want to be saved.
It broke my heart, but I had to respect my husband's right to drink himself to death. And he did. He was found dead on January 16. I still have to hold myself back from the guilt of not rushing to his side to do everything I could to save him. He was out of work, out of luck, and out of choices. All he could do was drink constantly. And I wanted to move him in with me to "save" him. I did not act on that impulse, and he died. If I had acted on what I had wanted to do, he may have lived a few more months, but I doubt it.
I know you want comfort and support, but I can only give it to you and not the addict in your life, because he has to seek that for himself. I hope you will seriously reconsider stepping back from him a little and perhaps thinking of loving him from a distance. He needs to find his way on his own. You simply cannot control his addiction. I'm sorry.
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[QUOTE=firebolt;5233550]Redlanta didn't mean to offend by this. If you stick around here and keep learning, keep reading, and turn all focus back to yourself rather than him and his addiction, you will start to realize that people that choose addicts, and then stay with addicts are more likely than not codependant. Much like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, we've become addicted to them, and helping them live up to their 'potential.'
The first time i heard this word in relation to me, i laughed and thought 'no possible way, I've always been accused of being too independent. I am the exception.'
4 years later and still with an alcoholic, and trying to claw my way out with my sanity and sense of self in tact, i can tell you with all certainty that i am codependant. You can spare yourself a year or more of your life googling how to fix him or how to convince him to get better by researching codependency starting now.
When i first got here, i kept thinking...im not like that, my alcoholic boyfriend is not like that, and i just need to get him to see. 4 years later, my boyfriend has progressed in his addiction. He has done many of the things i didnt think he was capable of, and the same goes for me. We are not the exception, and you probably arent either. I am so sorry, we all know your misery well.
I recommend starting here, and buying Codependant no more, and the language of letting go. Best of luck...stick around...youll find a lot of support here.
THANK YOU FOR THIS. Why is today the first time I've ever heard of the word "codependency?" All of these years, my mother has been harping on me for my anxiety when I am alone. I fear being alone more than anything in this world. I try controlling relationships more than anything, resulting in a damaging relationship. I've finally seen the light. THANK YOU for guiding me in the right direction, firebolt. I appreciate more than you know
The first time i heard this word in relation to me, i laughed and thought 'no possible way, I've always been accused of being too independent. I am the exception.'
4 years later and still with an alcoholic, and trying to claw my way out with my sanity and sense of self in tact, i can tell you with all certainty that i am codependant. You can spare yourself a year or more of your life googling how to fix him or how to convince him to get better by researching codependency starting now.
When i first got here, i kept thinking...im not like that, my alcoholic boyfriend is not like that, and i just need to get him to see. 4 years later, my boyfriend has progressed in his addiction. He has done many of the things i didnt think he was capable of, and the same goes for me. We are not the exception, and you probably arent either. I am so sorry, we all know your misery well.
I recommend starting here, and buying Codependant no more, and the language of letting go. Best of luck...stick around...youll find a lot of support here.
THANK YOU FOR THIS. Why is today the first time I've ever heard of the word "codependency?" All of these years, my mother has been harping on me for my anxiety when I am alone. I fear being alone more than anything in this world. I try controlling relationships more than anything, resulting in a damaging relationship. I've finally seen the light. THANK YOU for guiding me in the right direction, firebolt. I appreciate more than you know
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Redlanta didn't mean to offend by this. If you stick around here and keep learning, keep reading, and turn all focus back to yourself rather than him and his addiction, you will start to realize that people that choose addicts, and then stay with addicts are more likely than not codependant. Much like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, we've become addicted to them, and helping them live up to their 'potential.'
The first time i heard this word in relation to me, i laughed and thought 'no possible way, I've always been accused of being too independent. I am the exception.'
4 years later and still with an alcoholic, and trying to claw my way out with my sanity and sense of self in tact, i can tell you with all certainty that i am codependant. You can spare yourself a year or more of your life googling how to fix him or how to convince him to get better by researching codependency starting now.
When i first got here, i kept thinking...im not like that, my alcoholic boyfriend is not like that, and i just need to get him to see. 4 years later, my boyfriend has progressed in his addiction. He has done many of the things i didnt think he was capable of, and the same goes for me. We are not the exception, and you probably arent either. I am so sorry, we all know your misery well.
I recommend starting here, and buying Codependant no more, and the language of letting go. Best of luck...stick around...youll find a lot of support here.
The first time i heard this word in relation to me, i laughed and thought 'no possible way, I've always been accused of being too independent. I am the exception.'
4 years later and still with an alcoholic, and trying to claw my way out with my sanity and sense of self in tact, i can tell you with all certainty that i am codependant. You can spare yourself a year or more of your life googling how to fix him or how to convince him to get better by researching codependency starting now.
When i first got here, i kept thinking...im not like that, my alcoholic boyfriend is not like that, and i just need to get him to see. 4 years later, my boyfriend has progressed in his addiction. He has done many of the things i didnt think he was capable of, and the same goes for me. We are not the exception, and you probably arent either. I am so sorry, we all know your misery well.
I recommend starting here, and buying Codependant no more, and the language of letting go. Best of luck...stick around...youll find a lot of support here.
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Posts: 3,699
I know! I had heard the word before, but never in a million years would have correlated it to myself. I always knew i was a bit of a control freak...but i always just thought that was because i knew better than everyone else and so they should just listen to me lol. Wow. Nothing like a painful dose of self awareness at 35...
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I went to hundreds of hours of therapy and didn't know I was a codie until my step mom gave me the book "Codependent No More." It isn't easy learning that there is something "wrong" with you when you've spent your life wondering what is wrong with everyone around you. But it's a wonderful first step. Red Dog, not to label you a codependent but I think there are a lot of codependent nurses as helping people is in our nature. At least check it out and see if it fits.
I agree with everyone that you can't help an alcoholic (I only learned that after years of unsuccessfully trying). Helping your BF isn't like helping someone sick at work. There, your actions and kind words actually do help and heal.
The only way to help an alcoholic is by walking away, and sometimes that doesn't even help. My xbf chose alcohol over me. I did everything I could for him. I got him self help books, vitamins, mediation tapes, found an out patient program for him, went to AA meetings with him, etc. All it did was make me sick and crazy. He just went on drinking. The more involved I tried to get in his drinking, the more he tried to blame his drinking on me, and the meaner he became. Then I got so tired of it all, I decided to change ME instead of him, which turned out to be a lot easier. Granted I still have a long way to go but at least I can control myself, and I am putting my energy into something productive.
I agree with everyone that you can't help an alcoholic (I only learned that after years of unsuccessfully trying). Helping your BF isn't like helping someone sick at work. There, your actions and kind words actually do help and heal.
The only way to help an alcoholic is by walking away, and sometimes that doesn't even help. My xbf chose alcohol over me. I did everything I could for him. I got him self help books, vitamins, mediation tapes, found an out patient program for him, went to AA meetings with him, etc. All it did was make me sick and crazy. He just went on drinking. The more involved I tried to get in his drinking, the more he tried to blame his drinking on me, and the meaner he became. Then I got so tired of it all, I decided to change ME instead of him, which turned out to be a lot easier. Granted I still have a long way to go but at least I can control myself, and I am putting my energy into something productive.
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RedDog - So sorry got back later than expected. Firebolt has down a great explanation. Alcoholics need codependents and enablers. Codies and enablers help them achieve their goal of getting and staying drunk and maintaining their chaotic lives.
When I came here because my husband relapsed (I had only known him sober) it was pointed out to me that I was codependent. I firmly did not agree. My idea of codependency was buying him alcohol, or cleaning up a mess he made while drunk and I didn't do that.
What I came to realize is that I am very much codependent. I like to "fix" people. Just about every serious relationship I have had has been with people who have problems that I found intriguing and wanted to help them fix it (and never did).
What happens is you spend all your energy focused on the sick person and fixing them. I would say an addict of any sort is the worst choice of someone to fix. Slowly your life changes, you are no longer doing what you used to do because you are too busy trying to maintain status quo for the Alcoholic. You skip plans to go out because if you do you won't be with the alcoholic monitoring their consumption and making sure they don't burn the house down. You don't accept an invitation because you know your alcoholic will act inappropriately. On a day off you spend hours on a computer trying to find a way to make the alcoholic quit drinking instead of handling your own business. You talk to the alcoholic incessantly about getting help and may even get a positive response - only to see later that they do not act on what you talked about at all, and you have wasted another day trying to fix them while you own issues do not get attended to. Slowly your entire life revolves around the alcoholic. You choose your days off based on what they are doing. You schedule your life totally in order to "control" their situation in as much as you can - such as being sure you are available to drive them somewhere so they don't get a DUI.
In the meantime your own life spirals out of control, but theirs seems to be doing ok because YOU are spending all your time making it so. Depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc. all become part of your life and the more you do for them the sicker you become. The things that once brought you joy maybe aren't so much anymore. Work is exhausting because you are already tired. Friends are calling but its more annoying than anything because they are pressuring you to get rid of him and asking you to spend time with them but you don't have any time. You used to have a hobby that you spent your time on and now you don't because you are too tired and too busy fixing the alcoholic in your life to enjoy that hobby.
This is what I mean by getting sicker. Just some examples that may or may not be applicable to your life but I think you will get the picture.
When I came here because my husband relapsed (I had only known him sober) it was pointed out to me that I was codependent. I firmly did not agree. My idea of codependency was buying him alcohol, or cleaning up a mess he made while drunk and I didn't do that.
What I came to realize is that I am very much codependent. I like to "fix" people. Just about every serious relationship I have had has been with people who have problems that I found intriguing and wanted to help them fix it (and never did).
What happens is you spend all your energy focused on the sick person and fixing them. I would say an addict of any sort is the worst choice of someone to fix. Slowly your life changes, you are no longer doing what you used to do because you are too busy trying to maintain status quo for the Alcoholic. You skip plans to go out because if you do you won't be with the alcoholic monitoring their consumption and making sure they don't burn the house down. You don't accept an invitation because you know your alcoholic will act inappropriately. On a day off you spend hours on a computer trying to find a way to make the alcoholic quit drinking instead of handling your own business. You talk to the alcoholic incessantly about getting help and may even get a positive response - only to see later that they do not act on what you talked about at all, and you have wasted another day trying to fix them while you own issues do not get attended to. Slowly your entire life revolves around the alcoholic. You choose your days off based on what they are doing. You schedule your life totally in order to "control" their situation in as much as you can - such as being sure you are available to drive them somewhere so they don't get a DUI.
In the meantime your own life spirals out of control, but theirs seems to be doing ok because YOU are spending all your time making it so. Depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc. all become part of your life and the more you do for them the sicker you become. The things that once brought you joy maybe aren't so much anymore. Work is exhausting because you are already tired. Friends are calling but its more annoying than anything because they are pressuring you to get rid of him and asking you to spend time with them but you don't have any time. You used to have a hobby that you spent your time on and now you don't because you are too tired and too busy fixing the alcoholic in your life to enjoy that hobby.
This is what I mean by getting sicker. Just some examples that may or may not be applicable to your life but I think you will get the picture.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
RedDog - So sorry got back later than expected. Firebolt has down a great explanation. Alcoholics need codependents and enablers. Codies and enablers help them achieve their goal of getting and staying drunk and maintaining their chaotic lives.
When I came here because my husband relapsed (I had only known him sober) it was pointed out to me that I was codependent. I firmly did not agree. My idea of codependency was buying him alcohol, or cleaning up a mess he made while drunk and I didn't do that.
What I came to realize is that I am very much codependent. I like to "fix" people. Just about every serious relationship I have had has been with people who have problems that I found intriguing and wanted to help them fix it (and never did).
What happens is you spend all your energy focused on the sick person and fixing them. I would say an addict of any sort is the worst choice of someone to fix. Slowly your life changes, you are no longer doing what you used to do because you are too busy trying to maintain status quo for the Alcoholic. You skip plans to go out because if you do you won't be with the alcoholic monitoring their consumption and making sure they don't burn the house down. You don't accept an invitation because you know your alcoholic will act inappropriately. On a day off you spend hours on a computer trying to find a way to make the alcoholic quit drinking instead of handling your own business. You talk to the alcoholic incessantly about getting help and may even get a positive response - only to see later that they do not act on what you talked about at all, and you have wasted another day trying to fix them while you own issues do not get attended to. Slowly your entire life revolves around the alcoholic. You choose your days off based on what they are doing. You schedule your life totally in order to "control" their situation in as much as you can - such as being sure you are available to drive them somewhere so they don't get a DUI.
In the meantime your own life spirals out of control, but theirs seems to be doing ok because YOU are spending all your time making it so. Depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc. all become part of your life and the more you do for them the sicker you become. The things that once brought you joy maybe aren't so much anymore. Work is exhausting because you are already tired. Friends are calling but its more annoying than anything because they are pressuring you to get rid of him and asking you to spend time with them but you don't have any time. You used to have a hobby that you spent your time on and now you don't because you are too tired and too busy fixing the alcoholic in your life to enjoy that hobby.
This is what I mean by getting sicker. Just some examples that may or may not be applicable to your life but I think you will get the picture.
When I came here because my husband relapsed (I had only known him sober) it was pointed out to me that I was codependent. I firmly did not agree. My idea of codependency was buying him alcohol, or cleaning up a mess he made while drunk and I didn't do that.
What I came to realize is that I am very much codependent. I like to "fix" people. Just about every serious relationship I have had has been with people who have problems that I found intriguing and wanted to help them fix it (and never did).
What happens is you spend all your energy focused on the sick person and fixing them. I would say an addict of any sort is the worst choice of someone to fix. Slowly your life changes, you are no longer doing what you used to do because you are too busy trying to maintain status quo for the Alcoholic. You skip plans to go out because if you do you won't be with the alcoholic monitoring their consumption and making sure they don't burn the house down. You don't accept an invitation because you know your alcoholic will act inappropriately. On a day off you spend hours on a computer trying to find a way to make the alcoholic quit drinking instead of handling your own business. You talk to the alcoholic incessantly about getting help and may even get a positive response - only to see later that they do not act on what you talked about at all, and you have wasted another day trying to fix them while you own issues do not get attended to. Slowly your entire life revolves around the alcoholic. You choose your days off based on what they are doing. You schedule your life totally in order to "control" their situation in as much as you can - such as being sure you are available to drive them somewhere so they don't get a DUI.
In the meantime your own life spirals out of control, but theirs seems to be doing ok because YOU are spending all your time making it so. Depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc. all become part of your life and the more you do for them the sicker you become. The things that once brought you joy maybe aren't so much anymore. Work is exhausting because you are already tired. Friends are calling but its more annoying than anything because they are pressuring you to get rid of him and asking you to spend time with them but you don't have any time. You used to have a hobby that you spent your time on and now you don't because you are too tired and too busy fixing the alcoholic in your life to enjoy that hobby.
This is what I mean by getting sicker. Just some examples that may or may not be applicable to your life but I think you will get the picture.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. Some things you've said don't apply, yet most of it does. THANK YOU for allowing me to see the light. ALL OF YOU. You are all wonderful people. I am too young to be involved with an alcoholic. I've lost many friends and family due to lying about his current status. I've lost myself in the process though too-lost the things that keep me going (yoga, exercise, swimming, boarding.) I'm still not sure that I want to identify as codependent, as I've had many boyfriends in the past who I didn't necessarily want to control to "better", but its something I am willing to keep learning about. Thanks to this website, you will be hearing from me a lot more
And again, thank you thank you thank you all.Hugs**
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