Relapsing Codependent
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Relapsing Codependent
Hi Everyone. I'm new here and I'm searching for people who understand what it is like to be a codependent.
I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for a few years, but officially that's over. We went a year without speaking but are now trying to just be friends. Of course this is starting to feel unhealthy to me, and to take a toll on me emotionally. We have a lot in common--aside from the fact we have compatible diseases. Half the time I enjoy his company so much. The other half, his presence in my life makes me feel dirty as he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Not having the sexual relationship is much easier than the alternative, but I know he is not good for me. I guess I could compare it to an alcoholic having a glass of wine as opposed to a bottle of vodka. This is a slippery slope.
When things ended with him, I worked hard on recovery. I went to Al Anon, Yoga/meditation, and did volunteer work. For a while, I was doing well. Then a few months ago, I decided to fix up my house and sell it--I need to get out of where I live for financial reasons. The house work is totally unsatisfying to me, but it's something I have to do, and it's taking up all my free time. I'm down and stressed, so XABF has started getting under my skin more and more.
Despite the fact I have people around me all the time, I am very lonely. I really don't feel understood or supported. With everyone close to me, I find myself in the caretaker role. There is a huge disconnect between the way they see me, and how I feel inside. Everyone thinks I am stronger than I am, but some days I am so exhausted, I stay in bed. I have stopped reaching out to them when I feel sad, because I can tell it makes them totally uncomfortable, and quite frankly, most of them are more compromised in the mental health department than I am. So they don't have a lot to give in terms of strength and support.
I don't mean to whine. I have much to be greatful for in my life. I do enjoy taking care of and helping people, but I need to find some balance so I don't fall deeper into this hole.
SR seems like a great community. I would like to find people who understand the challenges of being a codependent (Why I keep letting XABF back into my life, why I walk into a room and feel like everyone hates me, the loneliness, etc.) I also feel like I have a lot of wisdom to share, although it may not sound that way right now. Thank you for listening. L
I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for a few years, but officially that's over. We went a year without speaking but are now trying to just be friends. Of course this is starting to feel unhealthy to me, and to take a toll on me emotionally. We have a lot in common--aside from the fact we have compatible diseases. Half the time I enjoy his company so much. The other half, his presence in my life makes me feel dirty as he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Not having the sexual relationship is much easier than the alternative, but I know he is not good for me. I guess I could compare it to an alcoholic having a glass of wine as opposed to a bottle of vodka. This is a slippery slope.
When things ended with him, I worked hard on recovery. I went to Al Anon, Yoga/meditation, and did volunteer work. For a while, I was doing well. Then a few months ago, I decided to fix up my house and sell it--I need to get out of where I live for financial reasons. The house work is totally unsatisfying to me, but it's something I have to do, and it's taking up all my free time. I'm down and stressed, so XABF has started getting under my skin more and more.
Despite the fact I have people around me all the time, I am very lonely. I really don't feel understood or supported. With everyone close to me, I find myself in the caretaker role. There is a huge disconnect between the way they see me, and how I feel inside. Everyone thinks I am stronger than I am, but some days I am so exhausted, I stay in bed. I have stopped reaching out to them when I feel sad, because I can tell it makes them totally uncomfortable, and quite frankly, most of them are more compromised in the mental health department than I am. So they don't have a lot to give in terms of strength and support.
I don't mean to whine. I have much to be greatful for in my life. I do enjoy taking care of and helping people, but I need to find some balance so I don't fall deeper into this hole.
SR seems like a great community. I would like to find people who understand the challenges of being a codependent (Why I keep letting XABF back into my life, why I walk into a room and feel like everyone hates me, the loneliness, etc.) I also feel like I have a lot of wisdom to share, although it may not sound that way right now. Thank you for listening. L
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Welcome Elle. You have come to the right place. Most, if not all of us, can relate to your post. For my part, I totally get the caretaking role. It's like a compulsion isn't it? Not to fix people exactly, but rather to make sure things are set up right for them, like housework and meals etc. It's exhausting. But something I have learned here on SR has really helped me.
It's OK to say no. To yourself, too. I started trying to say no at least once or twice a month so things that were sapping my time and energy. I know, that soinds sad, but a target helped. I was expecting people to get upset with me, but actually it turned out to be really easy. No drama at all! And for the most part, other people stepped up instead because they had to.
Then I got better at saying no to myself when I get worried about not doing something. I am still working on that, but getting much better.
Maybe something similar could be of help to you, too? Sounds like you could really use a lot less on your plate!
It's OK to say no. To yourself, too. I started trying to say no at least once or twice a month so things that were sapping my time and energy. I know, that soinds sad, but a target helped. I was expecting people to get upset with me, but actually it turned out to be really easy. No drama at all! And for the most part, other people stepped up instead because they had to.
Then I got better at saying no to myself when I get worried about not doing something. I am still working on that, but getting much better.
Maybe something similar could be of help to you, too? Sounds like you could really use a lot less on your plate!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
I'm so glad that I read this. I was just about to make a list of people I want in my life and people that I don't. For some of us it is so easy to give. We don't even think twice! It just comes natural. But then we keep giving and get nothing back and you do end up feeling lonely. Like the only person you can count on is you. You aren't alone! I have also been saying no lately. As in, "No I don't want to work anymore." Quitting my job was terrifying but I'm much happier where I am now. And all those people who have a bone to pick with me leaving (really, they, said that to me) guess what, gotta let that go. Easier said than done. I don't have a lot of advice but again, you aren't alone!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HE- Welcome to SR.
This forum is amazing and you will learn a ton. First I think you need to work on your self esteem. You sound like an amazing friend who help EVERYONE!!! Which is wonderful, but you losing yourself while doing that.
Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves before others. Say NO, if you need to. You can see the stress your X is bringing back into your life. You need to lover yourself enough to walk away, again. Its ok to go no contact. Take baby steps and make you important in you life. We all deserve it!!
This forum is amazing and you will learn a ton. First I think you need to work on your self esteem. You sound like an amazing friend who help EVERYONE!!! Which is wonderful, but you losing yourself while doing that.
Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves before others. Say NO, if you need to. You can see the stress your X is bringing back into your life. You need to lover yourself enough to walk away, again. Its ok to go no contact. Take baby steps and make you important in you life. We all deserve it!!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
HopefulElle, welcome and thanks for sharing your story.
I agree with what maia1234 said, if you need to say no and if your X is bringing bad feelings into your life then maybe take some time away. It doesn't have to be a 'forever' decision but if it's what you need right now then that's ok.
I'm struggling with being back in contact with my axbf, granted after a much shorter time period than you, but I think I get where you are coming from with the mix of feelings involved- half of me enjoys to some extent the contact (it's only via phone so far and not in person) but the other half wonders if this is detrimental to me and is causing me more anxiety and stress than if I bit the bullet and tried to stay NC. He's nice now and that's ok but I can't forget the abuse and everything I went through with him, and I also wonder if he will 'turn' like he used to and that will cause no end of stress.
Being a codependent person is tough, the need to please and help others before ourselves, I totally get your feelings of loneliness also and not wanting to come across as whining (which you don't) as I too feel I have much to be grateful for and feel guilty that I'm not.
I hope you keep posting and sharing and I hope you find this place as amazing as I do. Sending you strength and clarity to figure out what is best for you going forward.
I agree with what maia1234 said, if you need to say no and if your X is bringing bad feelings into your life then maybe take some time away. It doesn't have to be a 'forever' decision but if it's what you need right now then that's ok.
I'm struggling with being back in contact with my axbf, granted after a much shorter time period than you, but I think I get where you are coming from with the mix of feelings involved- half of me enjoys to some extent the contact (it's only via phone so far and not in person) but the other half wonders if this is detrimental to me and is causing me more anxiety and stress than if I bit the bullet and tried to stay NC. He's nice now and that's ok but I can't forget the abuse and everything I went through with him, and I also wonder if he will 'turn' like he used to and that will cause no end of stress.
Being a codependent person is tough, the need to please and help others before ourselves, I totally get your feelings of loneliness also and not wanting to come across as whining (which you don't) as I too feel I have much to be grateful for and feel guilty that I'm not.
I hope you keep posting and sharing and I hope you find this place as amazing as I do. Sending you strength and clarity to figure out what is best for you going forward.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Thank you so much, everyone. Just knowing there are people who get it has given me some energy to resume packing.
I definitely need to practice saying "No." I also need to work on setting limits--like if I've given someone the same piece of advice fifity times and they haven't listened, I'm not giving it again.
I've never had good self esteem. l don't act jealously or needy. My lack of self esteem manifests itself as social anxiety. That's part of my problem with Al Anon; I feel like everyone in my meeting hates me. The part after the meeting where everyone stands around and talks is excruciating for me. I usually run out of the room as quickly as I can.
My mother has started acting like a child lately--she is 70. That's been a blow because out of everyone in my life, I could count on her the most. Now it is very apparent that I am going to be caring for her from here on out. I guess that's life, and it's something I will get used to eventually.
Anyway, it's so good to get all this out.
I definitely need to practice saying "No." I also need to work on setting limits--like if I've given someone the same piece of advice fifity times and they haven't listened, I'm not giving it again.
I've never had good self esteem. l don't act jealously or needy. My lack of self esteem manifests itself as social anxiety. That's part of my problem with Al Anon; I feel like everyone in my meeting hates me. The part after the meeting where everyone stands around and talks is excruciating for me. I usually run out of the room as quickly as I can.
My mother has started acting like a child lately--she is 70. That's been a blow because out of everyone in my life, I could count on her the most. Now it is very apparent that I am going to be caring for her from here on out. I guess that's life, and it's something I will get used to eventually.
Anyway, it's so good to get all this out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Jane,
This is my second round of attempting friendship with AXBF. The first time, he starting constantly lying to me which triggered me. I told him in a very nice way, that I needed some space from him because my codependency was being triggered. Anyway, he went crazy mad and unleashed a series of about twenty horribly mean emails over a period of about a week. He always hits below the belt--using things I have shared with him in confidence to hurt me. I blocked him and we didn't speak for six months.
We don't fight now as long as I do not mention the fact he is an alcoholic, ever mention any of the crap he has ever said or done to me, and go along with his act that he is an elightened Mindfulness practitioner (Total BS). And I can't speak to him after 6:00 PM or he will be drunk and anything could happen from a declaration of love to a vicious verbal attack. So I'm forced into participating in his denial to avoid drama and attacks. Not too healthy.
What it comes down to is how it is possible to have an unhealthy person in our lives in a healthy way? And if it is possible at all.. Obviously alcoholics are not ALL bad. It's hard!!!
This is my second round of attempting friendship with AXBF. The first time, he starting constantly lying to me which triggered me. I told him in a very nice way, that I needed some space from him because my codependency was being triggered. Anyway, he went crazy mad and unleashed a series of about twenty horribly mean emails over a period of about a week. He always hits below the belt--using things I have shared with him in confidence to hurt me. I blocked him and we didn't speak for six months.
We don't fight now as long as I do not mention the fact he is an alcoholic, ever mention any of the crap he has ever said or done to me, and go along with his act that he is an elightened Mindfulness practitioner (Total BS). And I can't speak to him after 6:00 PM or he will be drunk and anything could happen from a declaration of love to a vicious verbal attack. So I'm forced into participating in his denial to avoid drama and attacks. Not too healthy.
What it comes down to is how it is possible to have an unhealthy person in our lives in a healthy way? And if it is possible at all.. Obviously alcoholics are not ALL bad. It's hard!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Elle, I can pull more similarities here- after back and forth with my axbf, when I said no more he also sent me a string of vile emails and messages. In fact this was a regular thing when he was drunk and I didn't want to be around him. Worse still in a drunken rage he then took to messaging my family- and as you said with things I had told him in confidence. That hurts, a complete violation of trust that you felt you could have with someone you formed a close relationship to. That is hard. When I type this (and other things) I actually think to myself wow Jane, and you are still in contact with him no because.....maybe we both need to write a pros and cons list!
I can also sympathise with the fact of you saying you don't fight now IF....the if being you don't ever dare mention the actual truth of who he is as a person! Right now my axbf is on a friendly path full of apologies, I love you's and please forgive mes but I know all too well from previous experience that it can soon turn should I remind him of how much hurt and pain he has caused me, how serious his drinking is etc etc.
Can I ask (and tell me to mind my own if I am being too intrusive) but why do you feel that you need or want this person in your life?
I ask because I question this myself too, for me I am still in love with my axbf, is this the case for you? Or is it that you don't want to feel as if you haven't been a 'good' person in trying to be his friend? Or loneliness? I know part of mine is also loneliness as I don't have many friends at all and I did feel that I had a really deep connection with him. Are you deep down wanting to reconcile with him? Or none of the above?
It seems like the friendship is all on his terms and if you play by his 'rules' and that's not really him being a friend is it- friends shouldn't come with attached terms and rules. Friendship and any close relationships might have ups and downs but don't we deserve to surround ourselves with people who the majority of what they bring is good?
Your last statement is really quite poignant and has really made me think that is something I need to reflect on, so I thank you for that. Maybe it is possible to have unhealthy people in our lives, but from a distance, and to a level we are comfortable with, and can step away from if needs be. To have the unhealthiness around us frequently I only think can be detrimental to us- living day in day out with my axbf made me just as sick, if not sicker than he was. I agree alcoholics are not all fundamentally 'bad' people, but some people are just bad people- take the alcohol away and they are still just plain mean and not worthy of our friendship!
You say you blocked him and took some time away- how did that feel? Were you in a better place than now when he is back in your life? If so maybe it would be healthy to take some time of NC again....easier said than done in some cases I know, I am useless at it!
It's a tough situation, but please try and take care of you and your wellbeing, you deserve it.
I can also sympathise with the fact of you saying you don't fight now IF....the if being you don't ever dare mention the actual truth of who he is as a person! Right now my axbf is on a friendly path full of apologies, I love you's and please forgive mes but I know all too well from previous experience that it can soon turn should I remind him of how much hurt and pain he has caused me, how serious his drinking is etc etc.
Can I ask (and tell me to mind my own if I am being too intrusive) but why do you feel that you need or want this person in your life?
I ask because I question this myself too, for me I am still in love with my axbf, is this the case for you? Or is it that you don't want to feel as if you haven't been a 'good' person in trying to be his friend? Or loneliness? I know part of mine is also loneliness as I don't have many friends at all and I did feel that I had a really deep connection with him. Are you deep down wanting to reconcile with him? Or none of the above?
It seems like the friendship is all on his terms and if you play by his 'rules' and that's not really him being a friend is it- friends shouldn't come with attached terms and rules. Friendship and any close relationships might have ups and downs but don't we deserve to surround ourselves with people who the majority of what they bring is good?
Your last statement is really quite poignant and has really made me think that is something I need to reflect on, so I thank you for that. Maybe it is possible to have unhealthy people in our lives, but from a distance, and to a level we are comfortable with, and can step away from if needs be. To have the unhealthiness around us frequently I only think can be detrimental to us- living day in day out with my axbf made me just as sick, if not sicker than he was. I agree alcoholics are not all fundamentally 'bad' people, but some people are just bad people- take the alcohol away and they are still just plain mean and not worthy of our friendship!
You say you blocked him and took some time away- how did that feel? Were you in a better place than now when he is back in your life? If so maybe it would be healthy to take some time of NC again....easier said than done in some cases I know, I am useless at it!
It's a tough situation, but please try and take care of you and your wellbeing, you deserve it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
It's possible to have unhealthy people in your life, but without getting sucked into the games. That means detaching, and keeping your distance. I'm guessing you are an extremely loyal person, and feel duty bound towards others.
I can only speak for myself here, but at some point during my recovery in CoDA and Alanon, I found I could let go of unhealthy intimate relationships with no regrets, no trying again, no going back... and no depression. I still had a few unhealthy 'friends' - mostly people from the days when I myself was a fruit bat - and over the last couple of years I came to the realisation that there were people whose company felt like being put through a mincer.
I gently let them go, too, and let all my outdated beliefs become conscious - e.g. that I had obligations to unpleasant people because I'd known them for a long time, and I could let these go when I realised how nonsensical they were.
One thing about your post particularly struck me:
In this situation, it's important to realise who's really doing the rejecting here (hint - it's not the other Alanon members), and you may inadvertently be cutting yourself off from a massive source of support. Is the social anxiety something you could share about in your meeting?
I can only speak for myself here, but at some point during my recovery in CoDA and Alanon, I found I could let go of unhealthy intimate relationships with no regrets, no trying again, no going back... and no depression. I still had a few unhealthy 'friends' - mostly people from the days when I myself was a fruit bat - and over the last couple of years I came to the realisation that there were people whose company felt like being put through a mincer.
I gently let them go, too, and let all my outdated beliefs become conscious - e.g. that I had obligations to unpleasant people because I'd known them for a long time, and I could let these go when I realised how nonsensical they were.
One thing about your post particularly struck me:
That's part of my problem with Al Anon; I feel like everyone in my meeting hates me. The part after the meeting where everyone stands around and talks is excruciating for me. I usually run out of the room as quickly as I can.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
Elle, SO HAPPY TO MEET YOU.
I have joined just today and I can already see the unconditional amount of support. I could not have said it any better myself. I'm a twenty-something dating a thirty-something who is an alcoholic. I've been with him for over a year now and I have struggled with his addiction. He is powerless over alcohol and I have spent countless tears, arguments, and drunken episodes trying to understand.
He flips the switch and suddenly wants to punch my car windows out.
This never ending cycle physically and mentally exhausts me. I do not want to run because he is a WONDERFUL person when he is sober. But I am feeling depleted lately and his actions pull every nerve, heart cell, and energy source out of me.
I have joined just today and I can already see the unconditional amount of support. I could not have said it any better myself. I'm a twenty-something dating a thirty-something who is an alcoholic. I've been with him for over a year now and I have struggled with his addiction. He is powerless over alcohol and I have spent countless tears, arguments, and drunken episodes trying to understand.
He flips the switch and suddenly wants to punch my car windows out.
This never ending cycle physically and mentally exhausts me. I do not want to run because he is a WONDERFUL person when he is sober. But I am feeling depleted lately and his actions pull every nerve, heart cell, and energy source out of me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Jane11 
Elle, I can pull more similarities here- after back and forth with my axbf, when I said no more he also sent me a string of vile emails and messages. In fact this was a regular thing when he was drunk and I didn't want to be around him. Worse still in a drunken rage he then took to messaging my family- and as you said with things I had told him in confidence. That hurts, a complete violation of trust that you felt you could have with someone you formed a close relationship to. That is hard. When I type this (and other things) I actually think to myself wow Jane, and you are still in contact with him no because.....maybe we both need to write a pros and cons list! I can also sympathise with the fact of you saying you don't fight now IF....the if being you don't ever dare mention the actual truth of who he is as a person! Right now my axbf is on a friendly path full of apologies, I love you's and please forgive mes but I know all too well from previous experience that it can soon turn should I remind him of how much hurt and pain he has caused me, how serious his drinking is etc etc. Can I ask (and tell me to mind my own if I am being too intrusive) but why do you feel that you need or want this person in your life? I ask because I question this myself too, for me I am still in love with my axbf, is this the case for you? Or is it that you don't want to feel as if you haven't been a 'good' person in trying to be his friend? Or loneliness? I know part of mine is also loneliness as I don't have many friends at all and I did feel that I had a really deep connection with him. Are you deep down wanting to reconcile with him? Or none of the above? It seems like the friendship is all on his terms and if you play by his 'rules' and that's not really him being a friend is it- friends shouldn't come with attached terms and rules. Friendship and any close relationships might have ups and downs but don't we deserve to surround ourselves with people who the majority of what they bring is good? Your last statement is really quite poignant and has really made me think that is something I need to reflect on, so I thank you for that. Maybe it is possible to have unhealthy people in our lives, but from a distance, and to a level we are comfortable with, and can step away from if needs be. To have the unhealthiness around us frequently I only think can be detrimental to us- living day in day out with my axbf made me just as sick, if not sicker than he was. I agree alcoholics are not all fundamentally 'bad' people, but some people are just bad people- take the alcohol away and they are still just plain mean and not worthy of our friendship! You say you blocked him and took some time away- how did that feel? Were you in a better place than now when he is back in your life? If so maybe it would be healthy to take some time of NC again....easier said than done in some cases I know, I am useless at it! It's a tough situation, but please try and take care of you and your wellbeing, you deserve it.
Is your xbf still drinking? In my experience, they can apologize a million times but if they aren't sober, it doesn't mean anything.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Rosalba
One thing about your post particularly struck me: In this situation, it's important to realise who's really doing the rejecting here (hint - it's not the other Alanon members), and you may inadvertently be cutting yourself off from a massive source of support. Is the social anxiety something you could share about in your meeting?
Thank you for pointing this out to me.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
Originally Posted by HopefulElle
Rosalba, ^^^ This was not easy to read, but you are right! I don't feel like I am rejecting people--I don't want to reject people--but my energy probably comes across that way. 
Thank you for pointing this out to me.
Thank you for pointing this out to me.Most Alanoners are TOO caring, if anything, and I'm guessing that if you shared how you really feel inside, and tell them that actually you'd felt too shy to stay at the end to date, but were going to make an effort this time - they'd be only too happy to help.
I know I would - no matter who you were!
xxxx
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by RedDog735
Elle, SO HAPPY TO MEET YOU. I have joined just today and I can already see the unconditional amount of support. I could not have said it any better myself. I'm a twenty-something dating a thirty-something who is an alcoholic. I've been with him for over a year now and I have struggled with his addiction. He is powerless over alcohol and I have spent countless tears, arguments, and drunken episodes trying to understand. He flips the switch and suddenly wants to punch my car windows out. This never ending cycle physically and mentally exhausts me. I do not want to run because he is a WONDERFUL person when he is sober. But I am feeling depleted lately and his actions pull every nerve, heart cell, and energy source out of me.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by HopefulElle
RedDog.. Happy to meet you too!! You are so young to be dealing with an alcoholic! The codie part of me wants to jump in and save you from him.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by RedDog735
Since I've been nearly 21 I have been battling this. Over the years, you hope that it will get better (and some parts frankly have) but I still cannot find coping mechanisms or alternative ways of dealing with my urge to call, text, etc.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Rosalba
It's just that not staying for any of the chat at all means that it's more difficult to get the support which you could really do with right now. Most Alanoners are TOO caring, if anything, and I'm guessing that if you shared how you really feel inside, and tell them that actually you'd felt too shy to stay at the end to date, but were going to make an effort this time - they'd be only too happy to help. I know I would - no matter who you were! xxxx
I know if I put in a better effort, I could have more friends, but most people kind of exhaust me. I think this is because of my codependency and my inability to separate myself from them entirely. I am totally affected by their moods and energy.
Light bulb moment: I just realized that I REALLY need to work on recovery again. That doesn't exactly make me happy because it is so HARD. I know I am the problem in my life, so why is it so easy to forget it and fall back into all the unhealthy patterns? To be honest, I just want to be normal. I think I am angry that I am not doing well anymore. I took ten steps forward and five back, and it makes me hate myself. I apologize for the negativity. The good thing is that before I joined SR this morning, I didn't even realize how I was feeling exactly. At least I know now and can do something about it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
I very rarely make blanket statements, but I can confidently state that none of us, NONE of us, can claim a straightforward recovery. There have been times when I've felt I was starting at the beginning all over again, but this is actually part of the process.
Please don't beat yourself up! In fact, quite the reverse - let yourself know that you're doing very well. It sounds as though you're bravely struggling with a situation openly acknowledged as highly stressful, and doing it on your own. Going for help when you need it is a sign of strength rather than weakness, and having few friends - but possibly a deeper connection with them - is normal.
With someone like yourself, who has a long history of caring and giving, it can feel very uncomfortable to ask for support for yourself. I was scared of therapy in the beginning, fearing that it would show me up for even more of a problem than I already thought I was, but quickly realised that all the things which could be safely thrown overboard - guilt, allowing myself to be bullied and manipulated, persistent anxiety and constant pressure - were all HORRIBLE. My therapist was making suggestions along the lines of doing something nice for myself, purely for myself, every day. It gets easier with practice!
We all do our best, depending on where we're at. Sometimes just getting out of bed can be a huge effort - and it's OK to congratulate ourselves when we do, and that's all that can manage.
(((HUGE HUGS)))
Please don't beat yourself up! In fact, quite the reverse - let yourself know that you're doing very well. It sounds as though you're bravely struggling with a situation openly acknowledged as highly stressful, and doing it on your own. Going for help when you need it is a sign of strength rather than weakness, and having few friends - but possibly a deeper connection with them - is normal.
With someone like yourself, who has a long history of caring and giving, it can feel very uncomfortable to ask for support for yourself. I was scared of therapy in the beginning, fearing that it would show me up for even more of a problem than I already thought I was, but quickly realised that all the things which could be safely thrown overboard - guilt, allowing myself to be bullied and manipulated, persistent anxiety and constant pressure - were all HORRIBLE. My therapist was making suggestions along the lines of doing something nice for myself, purely for myself, every day. It gets easier with practice!
We all do our best, depending on where we're at. Sometimes just getting out of bed can be a huge effort - and it's OK to congratulate ourselves when we do, and that's all that can manage.
(((HUGE HUGS)))
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