Slothy

Thanks anvil! You are right!

barelybreathing

Anvil...great post! After reading that it became clear to me that's something I need to do for me..I wanted this from my xabf, but will now work on it for/from me.

Thank you!

SoloMio

You can't gauge his remorse, so you might as well let it go. Sometimes remorse is so welled up it can't come out, and sometimes it's just not there, and sometimes it's spoken but not felt, and sometimes it's felt but not spoken.

You can never know, so don't count on it.

RedDog735

I too am struggling to find some remorse. My boyfriend seems to live day to day oblivious to his actions. Do I have to wait for the day where he puts someone else's life in danger? Do I have to wait for the day he loses his job? Being the nurturer and caring person I am, I want to pull him in the right direction (we all know that you cannot force or control an alcoholic if they do not want to themselves.) It is frustrating for me to see him and myself suffer and for him wake up the next morning like everything is OK. He's went at the most two weeks sober, which had left me feeling positive and optimistic, only to find him passed out on the couch with a bottle when I got home from work. It's a never ending, heart wrenching cycle. I just can't hold on for much longer.

SparkleKitty

RedDog, you don't HAVE to wait for your Boyfriend to do anything. You can choose to, but you do have a choice.

Someone else's remorse doesn't belong to us, no matter how much we feel we have a claim to it.

It feels good when someone else validates our feelings (especially when that someone is the one who hurt our feelings in the first place), but real freedom and empowerment comes from learning to validate ourselves. I have wasted far too much time in my brief gift of time on this earth hoping other people would change so I could be happy. Then I changed and found that the opportunity to be happy was everywhere; I just hadn't be able to see it because I was so focused on fixing other people so I could be whole.

seasaw

I'm not for along at all in my own work and recovery, but I have started to by trying to understand and accept that my AM is ill. She is dealing with several illnesses - mental health and multiple addictions, all of which effect her brain chemistry - she is not in her right mind. I can't reasonably have the same expectations of her as I would a healthy adult.

missboots

My STBXAH is so deep in his sickness, I'm not sure he really feels anything. Don't know him anymore. He was also abusive but for my sake and our toddler son's sake I've forgiven him. In time I also let go of the desire for him to feel any remorse or offer a sincere apology. It just isn't an issue anymore and that just takes time and also working on taking care of yourself. Cannot emphasize enough how much you need to work on and spoil yourself.

hopeful4

I think you have to look at their character and actions. If he is not sorry, he won't show it. And he's not. Only you can decide if that is the type of person you want to be with.

I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just that I looked for apologies for a very long time. I finally realized that I wasn't going to get that because it's just what you said. He's not sorry, he was sorry he got caught.

Now that he is my X, I don't even care. However to see our children looking for that and making the same realizations is very sad to watch.

XXX

HopefulElle

I got over craving an apology because I had to. I bottomed out and realized I wasn't going to heal unless I took charge of the healing myself. (A is still drinking and has stilll never apologized for anything. In fact, he has made it clear that everything I think he should apologize for is actually my fault!