I Really Should Learn
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I Really Should Learn
Last night I knew was going to be bad. I was running late with groceries and I knew he'd make it home before I could get things put away. Sure enough I come home to find him drinking beer and whiskey and in a foul mood. Yelling started as soon as I come in the door about my shopping and I went to put the groceries away and he takes them from me and makes a huge point about them not fitting into the refrigerator. He took my favorite glass I keep chilled in the freezer and threw it into the sink to show his disapproval for my shopping and then proceeded to take everything out of the refrigerator to put away my items because I'm so incompetent.
So he's angry from that and I try to distract him by reading him some funny things I've found online and I start getting yelled at about not taking things seriously and wasting my time. On to more joy and bliss at dinner where I hear "you, you, you" and all the things I do wrong. Luckily this turned into a rant against his brother but still awful to hear.
After dinner, he can't stay up any longer and I'm watching television and he goes around turning the heat off and stumbles into bed. I don't even know if he was aware of my presence.
And I start wondering that perhaps this is more about me and why I continue to put up with behavior that is so destructive towards me. I know some of you have hours during the day where your spouse is kind and loving towards you but I do not.
I can't see living my days like this any longer and somehow and some way I'm going to find the strength to leave. I'm really worn out by all this destructive language towards me.
Just venting because I know many of you understand how this goes.
So he's angry from that and I try to distract him by reading him some funny things I've found online and I start getting yelled at about not taking things seriously and wasting my time. On to more joy and bliss at dinner where I hear "you, you, you" and all the things I do wrong. Luckily this turned into a rant against his brother but still awful to hear.
After dinner, he can't stay up any longer and I'm watching television and he goes around turning the heat off and stumbles into bed. I don't even know if he was aware of my presence.
And I start wondering that perhaps this is more about me and why I continue to put up with behavior that is so destructive towards me. I know some of you have hours during the day where your spouse is kind and loving towards you but I do not.
I can't see living my days like this any longer and somehow and some way I'm going to find the strength to leave. I'm really worn out by all this destructive language towards me.
Just venting because I know many of you understand how this goes.
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I'm not scared to be alone at all but I think it's just such a big transition to leave your home and have to start again. Maybe because what I have is familiar and I know what I'm dealing with. I've learned to shut down most of the time and I no longer expect anything. But that's no way to live so I must find my courage.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's a big transition, but not an insurmountable one. I can't tell you how wonderful it was when I left my second husband (who was not at all abusive, but still like an anchor around my neck) and could come home to my OWN quiet home, where I could do whatever I wanted without a drunk stumbling around.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by TryingToLearn 
I'm not scared to be alone at all but I think it's just such a big transition to leave your home and have to start again. Maybe because what I have is familiar and I know what I'm dealing with. I've learned to shut down most of the time and I no longer expect anything. But that's no way to live so I must find my courage.
Don't underestimate the power of inertia. A lot of what was keeping me stuck, especially toward the end was depression and the utter lack of energy to do anything for myself. I was so broken down from all the abuse that I was in the mindset where nothing really mattered anymore and I was just going through the motions of life.
Are you able to get out to talk to a therapist or attend an Alanon meeting? A big part of my problem was the shame and isolation that kept me from reaching out and asking for help. I was too scared to even join SR and post, so you're ahead of the power curve there.
Take care TTL. Even just a little bump can get you out of that rut and get your momentum going in a better direction.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Don't underestimate the power of inertia. A lot of what was keeping me stuck, especially toward the end was depression and the utter lack of energy to do anything for myself.
*************
Even just a little bump can get you out of that rut and get your momentum going in a better direction.
*************
Even just a little bump can get you out of that rut and get your momentum going in a better direction.
One thing I did was to actively PLAN my move. I worked out budgets, figured out who could hold onto my important stuff while I found an apartment, basically a whole exit strategy. As I started figuring out the details, I started to get excited about starting a new life on my own. It energized me.
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Ladyscribbler, I so relate. Yes, I'm worn down, depressed and just really suffering from total inertia with the daily toll this is taking on me and not being able to even respond as I know it will escalate everything that much more. It's so hard to live in silence constantly and watch everything you do because you know it will lead to criticism and yelling. And the lack of energy from being broken down - how I relate to that. I used to really love simple things and now everything is just going through the motions. I'm glad you got out. BiminiBlue and LexiCat, thank you for your words of advice. I know there is a better life if I just pick myself up and get out of this mess.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Tryingto learn....I agree with all that has been said about inertia...and taking those first baby steps....
Do you suppose that you are a bit depressed, to boot? It wouldn't surprise me at all, if you were....
dandylion
Do you suppose that you are a bit depressed, to boot? It wouldn't surprise me at all, if you were....
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
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TryingToLearn, I just read through all the posts you've made in the past and I *really* think you need to pack and just get out.
From your first post:
You say you detached with money, but in later posts it's crystal clear to me that your husband is perfectly willing to use your income as a means to purchase expensive, unnecessary toys and he doesn't bat an eye about doing it, over and over. And over. My dear, he is using you and your income to live whatever twisted lifestyle he wants to live. I'm sorry if this comes across as a bit too much of 'tough love', but his life is about him, him, him. He will continue to abuse you to get what he wants, and what he wants is complete control over you and your income. To him, you're just another possession to treat as he sees fit. And he will do anything to keep you under his thumb.
He has gaslighted you, MAKING you admit that you are insane when the only 'insane' thing is how much abuse you've put up with.
He has no sense of financial responsibility, and as long as he continues to drink he will only drag you further down into debt by continuing to buy expensive playthings that he can't afford, which will prompt you to bail him out with your credit card. This won't stop until you put a stop to it. He won't let you, as long as you stay with him.
It sounds to me like he has abused you to such an extent that you are afraid to make *any* change to your life because of the possible reprisal against you. You've been talking about getting your things together and leaving him for almost a year now because you've been at your breaking point... you really need to take a deep breath and make that jump. You will catch yourself, you just have to trust yourself. He is the one being irresponsible with money, and he is mentally projecting his own irresponsibility on to you when you go and buy essential things like food. He constantly belittles you on a daily basis, and he *is* being physically abusive by reinforcing his physical dominance over you when he starts throwing things around.
TryingToLearn, please for your own safety remove yourself from this toxic environment, before things get worse. And they will continue to get worse the longer you stay attached to a man who is unapologetic in his drinking, and sees no reason to change.
From your first post:
One of the areas I've detached is money. I used to support him totally and give him anything he wanted and my salary was going out the window on his spending. He recently went back to work and put his money in our checking account and I used it to pay our monthly bills meaning rent, utility, food, insurance, gas.
Now he's telling me I have to reimburse him. You know I live in such a FOG that I believed him and was getting ready to borrow money on my credit card out of guilt but then I realized I've been paying our mutual living expenses with that money.
Now he's telling me I have to reimburse him. You know I live in such a FOG that I believed him and was getting ready to borrow money on my credit card out of guilt but then I realized I've been paying our mutual living expenses with that money.
He has gaslighted you, MAKING you admit that you are insane when the only 'insane' thing is how much abuse you've put up with.
He has no sense of financial responsibility, and as long as he continues to drink he will only drag you further down into debt by continuing to buy expensive playthings that he can't afford, which will prompt you to bail him out with your credit card. This won't stop until you put a stop to it. He won't let you, as long as you stay with him.
It sounds to me like he has abused you to such an extent that you are afraid to make *any* change to your life because of the possible reprisal against you. You've been talking about getting your things together and leaving him for almost a year now because you've been at your breaking point... you really need to take a deep breath and make that jump. You will catch yourself, you just have to trust yourself. He is the one being irresponsible with money, and he is mentally projecting his own irresponsibility on to you when you go and buy essential things like food. He constantly belittles you on a daily basis, and he *is* being physically abusive by reinforcing his physical dominance over you when he starts throwing things around.
TryingToLearn, please for your own safety remove yourself from this toxic environment, before things get worse. And they will continue to get worse the longer you stay attached to a man who is unapologetic in his drinking, and sees no reason to change.
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TryingToLearn....depression, along with fears of the future, can also make the simplest things feel like a mountain to climb. Of course, I don't know your particular history...so< i can't say too much. If you have had depression in the past...maybe you should contact your doctor and talk about it....
This much I can tell you. Exercise and one-on-one contact with caring others can kick the butt of depression. In some cases....exercise. alone. can change your brain chemicals enough to get the ball going in a positive direction.
If you feel like you can't do anything else....maybe, start by walking a couple of times a day. Maybe to the end of the driveway or around the block for the first few times.
Perhaps make a little chart on paper...and give yourself a check mark every time you come back from walking.
Congratulate yourself for every baby step you take. "I put on make-up today", "I fixed myself a nutritious meal today", "I did my walking today".......
How does a jar fill with water? One tiny drip at a time.
dandylion
This much I can tell you. Exercise and one-on-one contact with caring others can kick the butt of depression. In some cases....exercise. alone. can change your brain chemicals enough to get the ball going in a positive direction.
If you feel like you can't do anything else....maybe, start by walking a couple of times a day. Maybe to the end of the driveway or around the block for the first few times.
Perhaps make a little chart on paper...and give yourself a check mark every time you come back from walking.
Congratulate yourself for every baby step you take. "I put on make-up today", "I fixed myself a nutritious meal today", "I did my walking today".......
How does a jar fill with water? One tiny drip at a time.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 128
Thomas45 - thank you for that frank answer. I shall print it out and keep reading it over and over. You are right. It's been a long time complaining and not doing anything. Thank you to all who have helped me. I know there are others like me on this board who might not be posting and I just want to let anyone know who is in the same situation there is help here and hope.
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Location: Vancouver, BC
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You're welcome, TryingToLearn.
Maybe one more thing to think about: finances are tough, right? Imagine how much money your household would be saving every month if money wasn't being thrown out on booze. How much does he drink per day now, 10-15 beer and the occasional mix of hard liquor?
I'm not sure how much that costs where you live, but in my area a 12 pack costs ~20 dollars, and a mickey about 5-10 dollars. So to maintain that kind of habit, that's 25-30 dollars gone every day on alcohol. Across the whole month, that's $750-$900 dollars GONE. Can you imagine having an extra $900 dollars every month for the household? How amazingly helpful would that be? And you're being irresponsible for buying food? Talk about priorities.
Maybe one more thing to think about: finances are tough, right? Imagine how much money your household would be saving every month if money wasn't being thrown out on booze. How much does he drink per day now, 10-15 beer and the occasional mix of hard liquor?
I'm not sure how much that costs where you live, but in my area a 12 pack costs ~20 dollars, and a mickey about 5-10 dollars. So to maintain that kind of habit, that's 25-30 dollars gone every day on alcohol. Across the whole month, that's $750-$900 dollars GONE. Can you imagine having an extra $900 dollars every month for the household? How amazingly helpful would that be? And you're being irresponsible for buying food? Talk about priorities.
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Yes, alcohol is a huge expense. He's drinking 10 to 15 beers daily starting early in the day and has added whiskey to his daily routine until the weather is warmer and then there are a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. And yes, money is very tight and a big concern. I don't drink at all so that would be quite a bit of money to help me pay for rent if I look at it that way. Never did think of that though.
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Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by Thomas45
You're welcome, TryingToLearn.
Maybe one more thing to think about: finances are tough, right? Imagine how much money your household would be saving every month if money wasn't being thrown out on booze. How much does he drink per day now, 10-15 beer and the occasional mix of hard liquor?
I'm not sure how much that costs where you live, but in my area a 12 pack costs ~20 dollars, and a mickey about 5-10 dollars. So to maintain that kind of habit, that's 25-30 dollars gone every day on alcohol. Across the whole month, that's $750-$900 dollars GONE. Can you imagine having an extra $900 dollars every month for the household? How amazingly helpful would that be? And you're being irresponsible for buying food? Talk about priorities.
Maybe one more thing to think about: finances are tough, right? Imagine how much money your household would be saving every month if money wasn't being thrown out on booze. How much does he drink per day now, 10-15 beer and the occasional mix of hard liquor?
I'm not sure how much that costs where you live, but in my area a 12 pack costs ~20 dollars, and a mickey about 5-10 dollars. So to maintain that kind of habit, that's 25-30 dollars gone every day on alcohol. Across the whole month, that's $750-$900 dollars GONE. Can you imagine having an extra $900 dollars every month for the household? How amazingly helpful would that be? And you're being irresponsible for buying food? Talk about priorities.
Yet he would rant about normal household expenses like they were highway robbery. And forget any "extras." He couldn't go to the Dollar Tree and buy me a 50 cent card for my birthday, but he'd go to the liquor store right next to it and blow 50 dollars on booze as a gift "for me." It got to where I hated my birthday, and any other special occasion that gave him an excuse to celebrate with a drink or 20.
After I left his parents were giving him "grocery money" for a little while until they realized where all his money was actually going.
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TryingToLearn....REALLY? I guess I am just stunned that you never thought about that amount of financial drain. It sounds like you have been in such a mental "fog". (that happens, lol).
I don't mean to sound smart mouthed (it does)...but, just kind of shocked....
dandylion
I don't mean to sound smart mouthed (it does)...but, just kind of shocked....
dandylion
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