I feel bad about not doing anything to help
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
I feel bad about not doing anything to help
My Codie senses are tingling....
My XAH has relapsed, lost his job, and now is alone at his home 30 miles away doing what we all know he's doing.
My XBIL called last night, I didn't answer but listened to VM. He hasn't been able to contact XAH in several days. I talked to his whole family last week and urged them not to enable. He is 47, has been drinking for 30 years, in and out of detox and programs the past 18 months. He knows what to do and who to call and where to go for help.
I feel bad for not feeling bad about not doing anything to help. He could be dead. And though that's sad, and especially for my 7 year old son and my 12 year old stepdaughter, I still resist even calling his brother. I imagined calling him back and telling him that if he is concerned he could call police to do a welfare check. But I don't think he should do anything.
Am I wrong? XAH is most definitely a medical emergency. Or is this, calling for help for him, Codie enabling thinking?
My XAH has relapsed, lost his job, and now is alone at his home 30 miles away doing what we all know he's doing.
My XBIL called last night, I didn't answer but listened to VM. He hasn't been able to contact XAH in several days. I talked to his whole family last week and urged them not to enable. He is 47, has been drinking for 30 years, in and out of detox and programs the past 18 months. He knows what to do and who to call and where to go for help.
I feel bad for not feeling bad about not doing anything to help. He could be dead. And though that's sad, and especially for my 7 year old son and my 12 year old stepdaughter, I still resist even calling his brother. I imagined calling him back and telling him that if he is concerned he could call police to do a welfare check. But I don't think he should do anything.
Am I wrong? XAH is most definitely a medical emergency. Or is this, calling for help for him, Codie enabling thinking?
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
AliWProk, it's just my opinion and I don't know the backstory, but I think as you've left the situation and have previously had contact with his family very recently infact that you should not feel obligated to do anything. Yes it's sad, really sad, but he's a grown man and his choices are his choices.
Not so long ago my axbf's mum called me- I made the fatal mistake of answering and she proceeded to tell me that her son had travelled to the city I moved to away from him to see me but he had called her saying it was "the end" and he was drunk in a public toilet somewhere- she asked could I go and get him!
Yes my heart strings were pulled, no I didn't want him to be in a bad situation like that and yes I did lose sleep and got upset about it (he turned up at my relatives flat the next day in a state, and that caused all kinds of drama), but I told her that it wasn't my responsibility to go and try and find what was essentially a needle in a haystack in the middle of the night. I said she could call the police and him and try to find where he was and see if they could go and assist him, but that was as far as my 'help' would go.
In my opinion it was selfish of her to even call me and all she was doing was to try and pass the buck (not saying this is the case for his family) just how I viewed it in my situation. She was aware why I left him and why we had not seen each other for months, and also aware (though clearly in denial) of how bad his alcoholism is, yet she was perfectly willing to drag me back into it all.
If you feel his life is in danger and it would give you peace of mind maybe speak to his family member and advise them to call the police, but he isn't your responsibility to take care of, he isn't theirs either really, so I only say that if it's going to put your mind at rest/if he is in what you would consider serious danger from his current situation.
Not so long ago my axbf's mum called me- I made the fatal mistake of answering and she proceeded to tell me that her son had travelled to the city I moved to away from him to see me but he had called her saying it was "the end" and he was drunk in a public toilet somewhere- she asked could I go and get him!
Yes my heart strings were pulled, no I didn't want him to be in a bad situation like that and yes I did lose sleep and got upset about it (he turned up at my relatives flat the next day in a state, and that caused all kinds of drama), but I told her that it wasn't my responsibility to go and try and find what was essentially a needle in a haystack in the middle of the night. I said she could call the police and him and try to find where he was and see if they could go and assist him, but that was as far as my 'help' would go.
In my opinion it was selfish of her to even call me and all she was doing was to try and pass the buck (not saying this is the case for his family) just how I viewed it in my situation. She was aware why I left him and why we had not seen each other for months, and also aware (though clearly in denial) of how bad his alcoholism is, yet she was perfectly willing to drag me back into it all.
If you feel his life is in danger and it would give you peace of mind maybe speak to his family member and advise them to call the police, but he isn't your responsibility to take care of, he isn't theirs either really, so I only say that if it's going to put your mind at rest/if he is in what you would consider serious danger from his current situation.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hugs Ali. It's normal to worry about someone with a life-threatening illness, which this definitely is. Doesn't sound codependent at all.
You're doing all the right things. You talked to his family about not enabling. You know that your ex has to reach out for help if he wants it.
But I understand that nagging feeling. Like maybe this time, if I say x or do y, it will be the thing that finally gets through. Good call posting it here instead of acting on the impulse (I know how strong that impulse can be).
His family will have to learn, like you did. Sorry you and your son are going through this.
You're doing all the right things. You talked to his family about not enabling. You know that your ex has to reach out for help if he wants it.
But I understand that nagging feeling. Like maybe this time, if I say x or do y, it will be the thing that finally gets through. Good call posting it here instead of acting on the impulse (I know how strong that impulse can be).
His family will have to learn, like you did. Sorry you and your son are going through this.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
Thank you both so much for your quick response. His brother who called is also an A, supposedly in recovery, and has no drivers license so can't check on his brother himself. He may also be unaware that I moved from our city 2 years ago when I remarried, so he was probably going to ask me to check on XAH. But I told him last week that I was done, that I did my due diligence by making sure the family knew he was fired and would soon be expecting the family bailout, and that I hoped this time that they would put into practice what they learned at AlAnon and would detach. I will do nothing and feel fine.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
AliWProk, it looks like you got your answer and like you say, so it goes.
So many times I worried about my axbf when I had heard nothing from him and a million and one scenarios ran through my mind, I now feel angry at myself for wasting so much time with the worry and anxiety as he always turned out to be ok. I do dread that one time that may not be the case, but I guess I will deal with that if it ever happens and need to stop wasting precious time living that scenarios in my mind.
I'm glad you found the words of others to be supportive and helpful, this place has been my saviour and continues to be.
So many times I worried about my axbf when I had heard nothing from him and a million and one scenarios ran through my mind, I now feel angry at myself for wasting so much time with the worry and anxiety as he always turned out to be ok. I do dread that one time that may not be the case, but I guess I will deal with that if it ever happens and need to stop wasting precious time living that scenarios in my mind.
I'm glad you found the words of others to be supportive and helpful, this place has been my saviour and continues to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
Absolutely, Jane11, this place is amazing.
I find myself spending less and less time worrying. I know its bad, but I also know he's expecting rescue. He told his mother as soon as he lost his job, a week after a seriously blown attempt at visitation with his kids (during which he managed to drink and pass out). The last 3 times the Calvary rushed in, put him in detox, cleaned his house, paid his mortgage and child support, etc. So he is in for some tough love. I hope he has a bottom to hit....
In the meantime, we're going sledding. Have a wonderful day!
I find myself spending less and less time worrying. I know its bad, but I also know he's expecting rescue. He told his mother as soon as he lost his job, a week after a seriously blown attempt at visitation with his kids (during which he managed to drink and pass out). The last 3 times the Calvary rushed in, put him in detox, cleaned his house, paid his mortgage and child support, etc. So he is in for some tough love. I hope he has a bottom to hit....
In the meantime, we're going sledding. Have a wonderful day!
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