guava

I apologize as I've posted about this before but I feel like I'm spiraling downwards and need suggestions. I've been divorced for 12 days now. I keep feeling this panic and regret that I can't let go of. I want to take a step back, undo the divorce and see if his sobriety sticks this time...but I can't. It's done and I feel awful. Why? I thought I was supposed to feel better after it was done - I feel worse. Why do I feel I need him in my life? Need him to love me in order to be happy? Why do I feel like all the things he's done in the past don't matter and I'm the one that forever ruined our family? Why am I trying to hug him whenever I see him and why am I telling him I'm sorry? Seriously what the *#&$% is wrong with me?

I have been re-reading the list I've made of all the bad stuff...showing up at our son's event still drunk from the night before, not contributing anything financially for our son for over a year, frequent 2 hour phone conversations flirting or sex-ting with girls at 2am, missing whole days we had planned to do something as a family, yelling at me in the early morning hours when he was on one of his rages, etc., etc., etc. I added dates and when I look at it this crap goes back to 2002!

But now with just 2 months 'sober' (not drinking but not really working a program either) I keep wanting him to tell me that he still loves me and there is hope for us to reconcile in the future and the truth is he's pissed and 'disgusted' with me and doesn't want me and my head is all screwed up.

Here's what I think....I have MAJOR co-dependent issues and am addicted to the addict. I need to get back to finishing Co-dependent No More, keep seeing my therapist and also reduce contact so I'm not spending unnecessary time with him. I need to stop thinking about what could have been and remember what was. I need to stop this love affair with his potential. What else can I do to start feeling better? This sucks.

NYCDoglvr

Even though we're leaving a bad situation it's normal to feel fear about the unknown. Alanon would be a big help. We codependents sometimes become obsessional about alcoholics and have a very hard time letting go. What Alanon taught me is the problem is me (I picked him, stayed far too long) and that there's a big difference between love and need. Congrats on taking the hard steps, try Alanon, be sure to stay "no contact" and your life will change.

Mango blast

Big hugs, guava. Awareness, acceptance and then action. Baby steps. It's okay to pause, breath deeply and do nothing.

Huge kudos on the paperwork being finalized and the awareness you're gaining. Both are big accomplishments. I'm so sorry for the hurt you're feeling right now. It's okay to grieve for the loss of your marriage. Feeling happy and hopeful will come with time and healing.

Wishing you peace and serenity.

You're not alone and what you're feeling is natural.
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/c...orce_grief.htm
http://www.womansdivorce.com/emotion...f-divorce.html

LexieCat

He's a long way from recovered.

At the moment, there is nothing to suggest that he will become someone you want to spend your life with. Is there a possibility? Sure, and there's also the possibility you will win the lottery. You don't plan your life around remote "possibilities."

You made a sound decision for good reasons. Getting an attack of cold feet right after is pretty normal, but it doesn't mean you made a mistake. Feelings aren't facts. Just because it feels scary and sad right now doesn't mean you will go on feeling that way. If you put your focus on your own life you will find it starts to get better.

redatlanta

Divorce is a grieving process even if it was something we want. You are in process of re-identifying because you have been Mrs. XXXX up until 12 days ago. Cut yourself some slack and really think about that. Wishing he would get it together and you reconcile means you can go back to being Mrs. XXXX, a person that you are familiar with.

Best I can recommend is keep active and busy. Limit the amount of time spent thinking about your relationship and what "could have been".

I'm sorry its a struggle I think what you are feeling is VERY normal.

Fleonard36

A tip quava; Don't fantasize. Don't let 'What-Ifs' enter your mind. Get engaged in some civic activity to keep busy. again; don't fantasize.
Floyd.

maia1234

G- I understand. I went through the divorce 4 months ago tomorrow. I did the same, by wanting to text him or call him. Obsessed about what he would be doing for the holidays. The best thing you can do is stay busy. Get your home in order. I know it is hard but the least you know about him is best. Not where he is, or who he is with or what he is doing. All that knowledge just hurts you. Try and remember he is really angry at you and you know how he treats you when he is angry. Its not fun, so like when he was drinking try and stay away.

I am sorry it hurts. Every single day gets a tiny bit easier. Maybe he will start working a program and in a year (what I would give him for his sobriety) you to can work things out.

amy55

guava,

Why would you ever think that you should be OK after the divorce? Your feelings are your feelings. I also wanted my divorce, but the day of the divorce and even afterwards, it's the hardest. You are grieving. Grieving for what could have been, for all the dreams that were lost. Sometimes going through a divorce and the grieving is even harder then if the person died. Why? I think sometimes we don't feel that closure till we give it to ourselves. You see them going on with their life, possibly gfs.

I feel for you, I do. BTDT. Can't give you a quick fix for this, just if you can, start loving yourself again. Get back out there again. Not talking about hooking up with guys here, talking about hooking up with yourself.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

guava

Not to state the obvious, but, the suggestions we are graciously and gently provided here actually work! Number one thing that helped me this weekend was limiting contact with XAH. I had a wedding to attend in a city about an hour away. I brought my son with me (he had a blast at the kid's club during the wedding/reception) and I got to spend an evening surrounded by friends - I actually danced more than I ever have! Yesterday my son and I spent the entire morning playing in the resort pool - it was so much fun.

Made sure we headed home in time for XAH to pick up my son at the agreed upon time but he didn't show up until 3 hours later. Frustrating. But anyway, I feel SO much better when I'm not around XAH - constantly reopening that wound.

Thanks for the thoughts, kind words, links, hugs, etc. You sure are a smart, caring group and I totally appreciate you all!

CodeJob

I took so much joy playing with my son when he was smaller. We have a great relationship as he heads into his teen years. You've got a built in distractor!

Sounds like you had fun!