Loella05

For 2.5 years I've been putting up with my husbands drinking, lies etc. he went away for 7 months for work and he claimed that he was sober for the last 4 months, so when he came back in February, I thought things would be different, but it wasn't. The drinking continued and he kept hiding his bottles in his back pack. Turns out he never stopped when he was away and even got a final warning from work because his drinking was affecting his work. Now it's at the point where his drinking is making him angry. Last night he told me that he had no intentions of changing, that I was a piece of **** who wasn't worth it and that if the rent agreement was in his name he would kick me out. That was enough for me. I pay for everything in the house, all the bills and the grocery and what he said really hurt me.so I asked him to leave. My problem though is that we live in a very remote small town with 1200 people so everyone will know soon that I kicked him out and I will have to see him everyday. He is very angry and he blames me for everything. I love him but I want to learn to be strong and not take him back. I don't know what to do. It's hard to be without him but I can't live like that anymore

Refiner

Why is it hard to be without someone who calls you a piece of sh!t and wants to throw YOU out?

amy55

Hi Loella, I see by your join date, and your posting tonight, that things have not been going to good. It's OK. You're here now. We're your family now. You can talk to us.

You know, many times I felt like I had no one to talk to. I knew or thought I knew what was going on, but I felt stuck. I didn't know what to do about it, or if I should do anything.

I would sometimes go on websites, and felt I wasn't moving quick enough for everyone, so I would isolate. Just know, that I'll be here, and you go at your own speed, and whatever you want to talk about, I'm happy to listen to you.

Welcome to SR.

((((((((hugs))))))))
amy

Loella05

Because I know he doesn't mean it. During the day he is a good guy, good worker, and he does all the right things. After work however, when he starts drinking, things change. That's why it's hard, because I know what kind of man he is without the alcohol and that's the man that I miss.

Loella05

Thank you amy55. It is hard specially that all this time I have been hiding it from my family and I don't know how to tell them that my husband has a problem and that Ive had to kick him out. It will be a real shock to them, and very unexpected. They only know the good side of him and have never experienced the drunk side so they think he is amazing.

Jane11

Hi Loella, so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Just my opinion but I think you did the right thing in kicking him out if this is how he treats you. I know it's so very hard (I walked out on my axbf after he told me to F off and threw my stuff everywhere and at me) but I still love him because like you I love the good and nice side- but the mean and nasty side is part of them too, and while alcohol is in the equation it can only get worse unfortunately.

You did in this moment what is right for you, for you health and I can't sympathise with your situation of living in a small town and people finding out, but if they do then they do I guess and you can't really control that or if anything is said. As long as you and those close to you know the truth as hard as it is that's all that matters.

Maybe now would be a good time to tell your family? I hid the reality of axbf behaviour from my family but soon I couldn't any longer and to be honest they had an idea that all wasn't quite as it seemed anyway- maybe yours do too? You need a support network of friends and family around you right now and to start taking care of yourself and what you want and need, and you are right you can't live like that anymore it is detrimental to both your physical and mental health. Have you been to al anon or any other support group before also- maybe this might help giving you some clarity on the situation.

Maybe time away will give you much needed time to reflect on how you want to proceed, and possibly give him the same, but you don't deserve to be treated like this.

Refiner

I'm sorry too. That just sucks, the good ole Jeckyl and Hyde of alcoholism.

freetosmile

I think, speaking from a corner of codependency, that I KNOW why it's hard to be without. It's not because it's HARD, it's because it's "hard". Hard because it's not really about THEM. It's about our inward views (probably subconscious), beliefs, and learned thought processes about OURSELVES.

redatlanta

Iam so sorry this happened to you.

The Sober Man and the Drunk are the same person. There is not separation. Love the Sober then you love the drunk too.

And obviously he is not a good worker because he has gotten a final warning from work due to his alcoholism.

"He is very angry and he blames me for everything". When exactly does the "great" part of him come out?

Dont' you worry about those 1200 people, you worry about YOU. An angry drunk is a dangerous person. You did the right thing kicking him out. Be careful with this person - things can escalate very quickly with angry drunks. Take care of yourself.

Duckygirl1

So sorry you are experiencing this. If his drinking is so out of control that his job has noticed. Then more than likely most people in your town have too. It's just one of those open secrets polite society turns its head to. When he says that you're a piece of $?&@! And not worth it, he is projecting his own feelings about himself. He doesn't think he's worth it, his job is worth it or his marriage is worth it. He's a big ball of shame and self inflicted pain. He's well aware that you are stable enough with the rent and bills to live well without him while he may not even have a job soon. You did the right thing by not letting it drag out to 25 years rather than 2.5. That decimal point may be a life saver. Good luck dear one!

dandylion

Loella....the times when he is "nice", and, isn't calling you a piece of ****, aren't "free", you know. You have to pay for every one of those times by suffering the bad ones.

In a normal relationship, the great moments are considered as a way things should be...and there is no price tag attached.
Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse over time. The disease has him by the tail, and, according to his words...he has no intention of changing that.
This is hard, hard fact. And, wishing it weren't so does not change the reality of it.

The fact that you have asked him to leave, says, at least, that you are not comfortable with being somebody's emotional punching bag. that says that you have some ego strength and some self esteem.

On another point...I can practically gurantee that there are others who know about his drinking and there are others who live with alcoholism in that town. They are just trying to keep it secret, also.
Look at it this way: If they aren't paying your electric bill and aren't putting food o n your table...other people don't get a vote in your life.

dandylion

LexieCat

I'd suggest getting maximum support right now, because in a few days he will be back, all apologetic and promising to change. AGAIN. And if you don't have that emotional support, you're likely to let him. Believe me, it's a lot harder to kick someone out if he doesn't have a job.

It's pretty obvious that he's nowhere near ready to quit drinking, and this is what you have to look forward to if you take him back. Except it will become steadily worse, because alcoholism is progressive.

Even if people "talk," breakups become old news pretty fast. Ongoing drama is much more interesting to the gossips.