cherra

I am so glad that this mess is almost over, but is it weird that although I wouldn't go home now if he did quit drinking and yet it still bothers me that he hates me so? I was kinda feeling sorry for him the other night. He's in that house by himself. He's not seen his daughter in 3 months. He has no relationship with any of his family except for his mother. I know how miserable he was before I left. So then I got to thinking...He must REALLY hate me to trade all he had for what he has now. In spite of everything, I don't hate him. I know he didn't plan to become addicted. But I won't live the way we've lived the past 4-5 years. I have accepted that it's over but then at the back of my mind is - maybe someday, maybe when he hits bottom, when he gets healthy. So have I really accepted it? I mean, I would not go back now but I hope for the "someday". But then I remember him spitting in my face and telling me he hates me. In a way, that was more traumatic than him shooting the gun in the house. (former thread) I'm just really confused about my feelings tonight.

misspriss

I completely understand where you are. How could they choose a completely empty life over a spouse and child that love then in spite of their issues? It just baffles me. And I really don't understand how we can still feel for them... Love, like, sympathy, worry... when they feel nothing for us and made us leave them. Hugs to you tonight. I hope you come to peace with this.

amy55

(((((((((((((((((((((cherra))))))))))))))))))))))) ))

I don't know what to say. I was "you". I still wish my ex well, and have to admit for a long time, I thought that if he got his chit together, then ...........?

Sometimes when you look back at things, and I do that a lot, that spit in the face is the final thing. My ex spit in my face also.

I am so happy that you are moving forward, just wish you would have been here more often, for more support. Really happy that you are coming back now.

Things happened so fast for you. I'm sure that your head must be just spinning. You do know that I am here for you, and will be here for you. Right?

How's your daughter doing?

A lot of (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) for you and your daughter.

amy

cherra

Amy, she's still so angry. She sees her counselor still but I know what would help. If her dad would just say "I was drunk. I don't remember XXXX (all the things he's done) but I believe you when you said you saw me do them. There's never been a day that I haven't loved you or wanted you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me" Why is that so hard? He wants to send her a text message that says "sorry" and thinks all should be well. Someone on her said something about a drunk horse thief that quits drinking is just a sober horse thief. He would really have to become someone I've never met for it to ever work now. So why do I have the completely unrealistic dream that it would ever happen? You're right about that spit in the face. I'll never go back to that. All in all, my life is pretty good right now. I'm still with my Aunt and Uncle in their little guest house. I'm learning who I am without him. Sounds weird for a 56 year old to be "finding herself" but that's what I'm doing. All 37 years of marriage revolved around him and what he wanted. And the peace is heavenly.

LemonGirl

I can't relate with the spitting in the face thing, but I can relate to the "someday" struggle. I'm only out almost 2 months from my xabf.... but I'm stuck in some weird limbo of wanting to stop hurting and let it go, and thinking maybe.....? That thinking just gets me into trouble though.
So for now, I keep the images in my mind that turned me OFF, so that I can keep moving forward. It also helps to stop me from romanticizing all of the good times.

Jane11

Hi cherra, I can relate to the feelings of not wanting to go back there but also thinking someday...it's hard but we have to keep moving forward. My axbf never spat in my face but he was both verbally and physically abusive at times.

In rages he often told me he hated me, but honestly I don't think he did. Did he love me- not sure about that but I would sure like to think so. I don't think he hated me, I think he hated himself actually, and the addiction and the fact he couldn't get a grip on it, and like you I don't hate him- sure sometimes I feel so angry for everything he has done, but I don't hate him.

Keep moving forward and looking after you and your daughter x

NYCDoglvr

He is choosing addiction over you, which is where so many marriages and relationships wind up. It's not about hate, not about you, it's about his higher power, God, great love of his life: alcohol.

LexieCat

I seriously doubt that he hates YOU, he just hated what you represented--someone/something that stood in the way of his addiction.

And I was just a little younger than you when I got sober, and I'm enjoying "finding myself."

Eauchiche

What you are describing is the insanity of the disease.
Best of luck to you. Keep moving forward!!!

dandylion

cherra...it has only been a short time. 37 years for another person to be the center of your universe is a l ong time.

One doesn't just step into a complete new way of being and feeling in a blinding flash of light. You build yourself into a new life...layer by layer...new experience by new experience. Humans are fragile and resilient at the same time..lol. We can evolve and heal and change.

It does take time.

Compish?

dandylion