Seek and you shall find.....
 

Ugh, I've majorly backslid the past couple weeks.

I couldn't sleep last night and had one of my gut feelings, checked his phone (which he usually keeps pretty well cleared out before he goes to be these days) and
lo and behold, what do I find but some new girls name in his call log quite a bit, at least every day. And a text from last night first saying she just got home, then one saying can you call? call me if you are able to. Finally a third text that asks him to meet her for lunch tomorrow (today)

Surprise, surprise....

Well, then I couldn't sleep at all, didn't get one wink of sleep last night. Serves me right for snooping, I guess.

I don't know why I feel the need the confirmation. I guess because he is so manipulative and such a pro at lying, and he makes me question everything to myself.
I never used to be this way.

So, in all of my co-dependent glory I texted him today around lunch time telling him to have a nice lunch with his new girl. He just texted back that he was having lunch with his coworker (a guy.)
Then I let him have it, told him I knew about the girl and the phone calls and the texts, and on and on. That I am 100% done with him, that she can have him, that he is so good at putting on this act of being Mr Good Guy, that he has no clue as to how sick he really is or how far his alcoholism has progressed. That he has no empathy, that he made out daughter upset and cry last night from his behavior mostly toward me that she witnessed. That he has no idea what he is doing to me, he can not see beyond his own selfishness and alcoholic ego.
And on and on.

He texts back telling me he knows how sick he, he thinks about it everyday. That I really need to get away from him, and that he will try to fix my car this weekend.

And if that's not enough I text her. (I don't know her)
I just say, Hey this is so and so's wife. I'm really curious as to why you are in my husbands call log so much and why you are asking him out to lunch. Wondering if you could explain.

Of course, I never did hear back from her.

So, yeah, full on codependent craziness!

To top it off. I've been waiting for him to bring some groceries/food after work since its payday Friday and the fridge and cupboards are pretty bare.

He brings me take out from Cracker Barrel at 8pm, must be he had dinner with her instead of lunch.
He also brought me pot roast.
I've been vegetarian for over 15 years.....

pink, this is insanity. You know that, I can tell.

And it's just going to continue this way until YOU decide you've had enough.

Pink,

Every time I check my husband's phone or his location with find my iPhone, I think it will be helpful. It hardly ever is. I almost always end up worse off than had I not checked. I end up sad, depressed, worried, anxious, and angry.
So, why do I keep checking? (I just checked one hour ago)
Am I addicted to the drama?
Is it about the lying?

Is it to convince ourselves, little by little, that we have to get out of these relationships?

Oh, I'm not checking it thinking it will be helpful at all.
More like checking it waiting to catch him in something he can't deny, something that will finally prove it to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I need to leave him.

BUT I've already had years of those things being proven to me!!!!!!
What more do I need?

I'd like to make a suggestion here. Perhaps you should look at your need for confirmation. You are laying the blame on him for being manipulative and a "pro" at lying. You even say he makes you question yourself.

I've been there myself. But I learned that nobody can control my reactions. After all, you feel a need for confirmation; confirmation of what? I'm sorry if I come across as hurtful or crass, but he does not possess the power to make you question yourself. Only you can do that.

I considered the rest of your post, but it seems to be chock full of codependent drama, demanding answers, trying to get other people to take responsibility for themselves, and all the other emotional turmoil that goes with it.

Why not be kind to yourself and step away from that mess? It sounds like all you got from unearthing a lot of garbage is pain and upset.

Have you considered leaving him? I'm sorry I do not know your back story. It sounds like you are addicted to the addict. I've been there. It nearly destroyed my life.

I hope you can find the help you need to overcome this.

YES! and YES!

Can't say this surprises me. Doesn't surprise you, either.

Are you sure you'll be able to ride this out until the end of the school year?

No, it doesn't.
Continually surprised at how much of a liar and cheater he is.
And how smooth he is at playing Mr Good Guy.


We'll see what happens with him fixing my car this weekend or not.....

Honestly its the pits living here with him, just really sucks for so many reasons.

Pink- He is a piece of work!! I am just afraid for you, that he gets drunk and hurts you for looking at his phone. I am sure he changed the password by now.

What is your plan after graduation. Where are you going to go? Start thinking about this and making plans. You can get in a shelter far far away from him.

Sorry Pink!!

not sure how big a hammer you need hon? he's a lying cheating used car salesman. and its NOT YOUR FAULT. you just bought a lemon. and there's been a RECALL!

"Don't go looking for snakes, you might find them; don't set your eyes to the sun, you might blind them," so says a song I've listened to many times in the past. Might seem a little hypocritical of me to suggest that you detach and leave him to his devices considering that I did exactly the same thing as you, but there it is. I knew in my heart that my ex wife was secretly seeing someone else, and yet it still devastated me when I found the picture evidence. I would have been better off in just letting go and moving on, instead of wanting further 'validation' of my feelings. My feelings were already pretty darn valid to begin with, because I was *feeling them*. Same with you. Be content that your feelings are valid, and don't go looking for further validation because it's only bound to hurt you.

Can you think of Anywhere else you can stay for awhile ? A family member? Healthy friend? If you got some distance, I'm sure you'd find your old self pretty quickly. And with some space of your own, even if it's just a bedroom, you could consider your boundaries .

Nope. I have one friend locally, or even in this state and her life is a huge dysfunctional mess. Everyone else is out of state.

It's a complicated story why I am stuck here with him, mostly has to do with no money/job and no transportation. Also trying to stick it out until our youngest daughter graduates high school in 3 months...

And no, no one in my family will/can help me financially to get out of here.

I'm not sure and it sure isn't healthy for my emotions.
But I just have to take it day by day I guess and see what happens....
You never know what tomorrow will bring

Pink sorry for all of this

If you are with someone whose phone you need to check, computer you search through, check where they say they are, look at mileage of the car, sniff their clothes for unfamiliar smells, check where they have been spending money, searching pockets for receipts,.....

Doing any of the above means it's time to go. Really it's been time. Find a way Stop telling yourself you can't.
What is your access to money? Do you not have any access at all to the accounts?

There is no money. No accounts. Live paycheck to paycheck on what he makes. I have no money at all, it's his.
If I need something I have to ask him to get it and bring it home.

and damn it, I'm sick of sleeping on the couch.
Why should he get the bed and bedroom?
He's the liar and cheater and abusive drunk.
Grrrrr........

I so wish I could just kick him out of here.

Pink, Gosh, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I forget; how long have you been together? Are you married?

I feel as if I know how you feel. Personally, I mean. Becausse you've shared so we know what you're feeling and going through, but my statement means I feel as if the emotions and feelings I've felt too.

You think that because you are not "contributing" you have no money. But you are contributing. You feel that it isn't your money because your name isn't on it, but, your name is on it.

He, people like him, do a wonderful job on people like us. We believe we have nothing, can't go anwywhere, be anything or do anything. But, we can. It might not be easy when we do, it might not even be comfortable, but we can. Where you are now is exactly where he wants for you to be. Feeling stuck. Feeling helpless. It works just fine for him, that is the reason he allows the phone calls and lunches, dinners. He may half ass try to hide them/her/it, but not too much, because he know you are feeling as if there is nothing you can do.

I know others have suggested shelters, I think you are worried about your daughter if I remember correctly. Where would she go.... I don't blame you.

But, I wonder if youre anything like me. .... Will you really leave when she is out of the house? You have a lot to offer Pink,

(((hugs)))

Yes, married. Been together 20 years, raised 7 kids.

He "reminds" me constantly that I'm not contributing.
Last night he was raving about how he's carried me all of these years, that I got to do whatever I wanted, like go to nursing school while he did everything.
Okay....so I get no credit for anything I've done the last 20 years.
While he takes all of the glory and credit for doing everything for everyone all of this time. (rolling my eyes)
Like I wasn't a stay at home mom raising 7 kids, one severely physically disabled (his son) Like I haven't worked for years during our entire relationship.
No, he's carried me all this time.......

I definitely will leave after my daughter graduates in early June.
I really can't wait to do so. It's become very obvious in the past 4-8 weeks how this is all affecting my physical and emotional well being.
Anxiety is through the roof. I've started to have full blown panic attacks, which has never happened before. I can't really ever relax, I feel like I'm on "high alert" all of the time.

I want a life again, what I'm doing now is not living, at all. Just existing day after day, like Groundhog Day. Same thing over and over. Wondering what craziness will happen next.
I want peace and happiness, I know I won't find it here with him.

Thanks for your kind words :)

Keep remembering your daughter in tears. Use that to motivate you if nothing else will. She is going to grow up thinking this is how relationships work. If not for yourself, get out for that precious child.