this is my mom
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I guess over all, in think my feelings are more hurt than anything if I put some serious thought into it. Mom never did come in to see me, none of the kids called me or texted me..... No one was here for me....
Moms excuse was saying that she cared. If she cared, maybe she could have just sat by my side or something. Maybe she could have suggested to the kids to call their mother or text.
I asked mom what the doctor said about how my surgery went. She said "oh, she said you didn't have what she thought you had. You had something different." I asked what it was. She said "oh I don't know.." My mother is not dumb, she has an extensive vocabulary and knows the medical world. If that was ME and someone I cared about, I would have write it down, asked questions, and so forth. That way I could tell my lived one and remind them to get more info from the doctor. Mom said AH was there to, but when she asked him, he had no idea.
I guess overall, my feelers are hurting.
Moms excuse was saying that she cared. If she cared, maybe she could have just sat by my side or something. Maybe she could have suggested to the kids to call their mother or text.
I asked mom what the doctor said about how my surgery went. She said "oh, she said you didn't have what she thought you had. You had something different." I asked what it was. She said "oh I don't know.." My mother is not dumb, she has an extensive vocabulary and knows the medical world. If that was ME and someone I cared about, I would have write it down, asked questions, and so forth. That way I could tell my lived one and remind them to get more info from the doctor. Mom said AH was there to, but when she asked him, he had no idea.
I guess overall, my feelers are hurting.
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Originally Posted by cherra 
Hi freetosmile. I hope your sleeping well while I type this! I've been around here off and on for about 9 months. I check back in every once in a while when I need to vent and I read the threads while I'm here. That being said, I don't know your story well. And I certainly don't know your mom. I did go back and read some. You have 5 kids at home from 14 - 9 and your mom brought your 12 year old sister with her. That's 6 kids. Could it be that asking her to load 6 kids up on an evening that she's celebrating the 12 year old's birthday was a little much? I think coming to stay with 5 kids is supportive. I'm sorry you don't have a good relationship with her. That much was obvious from the way you posted about her coming before you even had the surgery. Just thought I'd offer another way of looking at the situation. Everything is worse when we feel bad. I hope you're better soon. Get strong and stay strong!
I appreciate the different perspective, but AH was with the kids. Mom and AH and kids were all together. AH cooked dinner. I bought my sisters birthday cake before surgery. My mom was a foster parent (who got blacklisted btw for being horrible at it) if 8-9 children at a time.
Yes, my mom abused me as a child....but I had no choice but to take the help. No one asked me about AH being at home when he's not supposed to be, no one called me, no one checked up on me. In fact my mom said no, she wouldn't bring me those things and then sent me one additional text about 10 min ago saying AH cooked and took care if the kids and that her prayers were with me.
Doesn't sound like too much to me
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((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
Just know that I care. Also, I am one of those annoying people who take a pad and pen with me each time I talk to a Dr.
After reading about your childhood try to remember that perhaps your mom did the best she could, with the tools that she has to work with. I hate to say it that way though.
More, just know that I care.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
Just know that I care. Also, I am one of those annoying people who take a pad and pen with me each time I talk to a Dr.
After reading about your childhood try to remember that perhaps your mom did the best she could, with the tools that she has to work with. I hate to say it that way though.
More, just know that I care.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
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if you just had surgery, you are still under the influence of anesthetic and pain meds. Sorry your mother will not bring in your stuff, but you will not comprehend it anywhooo. Watch TV and sleep off the medication, do an all nighter tomorrow. It took me a whole week to get my head straight after surgery...
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Originally Posted by Sisterbobby
if you just had surgery, you are still under the influence of anesthetic and pain meds. Sorry your mother will not bring in your stuff, but you will not comprehend it anywhooo. Watch TV and sleep off the medication, do an all nighter tomorrow. It took me a whole week to get my head straight after surgery...
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Niki,
I understand how you are feeling. Why the h3ll would your mom have your AH come over? Not really asking you that question. I understand how you are feeling. Guess it may even feel to you that the kids are doing great tonight with AH there. Think we both know that is not true. It's just something different for them right now, and you already assured them that you would be OK, they know you will be home tomorrow.
They do love you, they just aren't use to this, and it seems like it was party time for them. I think they are just trying to make the best of things.
Niki, I wish I could be with you right now, and hold you, and tell you how much you mean to me.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
PS --- will be here whenever you might need a hug tonight.
I understand how you are feeling. Why the h3ll would your mom have your AH come over? Not really asking you that question. I understand how you are feeling. Guess it may even feel to you that the kids are doing great tonight with AH there. Think we both know that is not true. It's just something different for them right now, and you already assured them that you would be OK, they know you will be home tomorrow.
They do love you, they just aren't use to this, and it seems like it was party time for them. I think they are just trying to make the best of things.
Niki, I wish I could be with you right now, and hold you, and tell you how much you mean to me.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
PS --- will be here whenever you might need a hug tonight.
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I'm so sorry Free. I understand completely while you're feeling the way you are. Does your mother even realize your AH was in jail for domestic violence VERY recently? You have sooo much on your plate. Your mother sounds like a piece of work, and that's being politically correct. Honestly even if you didn't remember a thing you studied I can see why a laptop would have helped you get your mind off all of the home turmoil you're coping with. If your lucid enough to be typing here it sure doesn't sound like asking for your laptop was all that much. It isn't as if you were asking for your weightlifting set. Personally I think watching all the crappy tv at hospitals is enough to drive me over the edge. That said a big ole cyber ((hug)) for whatever that isn't worth;-) Hang in there!
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Wanted to tell you a bed time story. I had a dog named Max. He was a border collie mix. I loved that dog, he was just terrific. He loved to play with a ball. Loved to catch a ball. I remember my ex picking up the ball and Max was in the backyard, he say my ex throw the ball, he threw it over the garage. Max ran and caught the ball. Max was real good at that.
My daughter had her friend sleep over this one time, and I don't remember where my daughter and my ex was, but it was just me, my daughter's friend and Max. She never had a dog. We went outside, and Max wanted to play. I told my daughters friend to just throw the ball, that Max will judge how far she could throw it, and he'll catch it. She told me to go first, so I did. Max, just stood about 8 feet away from me. (lol) He didn't move. He didn't go back further. I was so embarrassed. I threw that ball as far as I could. It was only about 8 feet. He caught the ball. Next up was my daughter's friend. She picked up the ball, and Max ran all the way back, about 100 feet if not more. He caught the ball. Don't know why I am telling you this, perhaps to just help you get your mind off of things, and wishing I was there with you.
Maybe also, sometimes we think we may be stuck, but that's not true. Wish I could pick up the ball right now and throw it. I'm sure I could give Max a good run on that throw.
Well anyway, hope that you are finally sleeping. Just remember how much I care.
amy
My daughter had her friend sleep over this one time, and I don't remember where my daughter and my ex was, but it was just me, my daughter's friend and Max. She never had a dog. We went outside, and Max wanted to play. I told my daughters friend to just throw the ball, that Max will judge how far she could throw it, and he'll catch it. She told me to go first, so I did. Max, just stood about 8 feet away from me. (lol) He didn't move. He didn't go back further. I was so embarrassed. I threw that ball as far as I could. It was only about 8 feet. He caught the ball. Next up was my daughter's friend. She picked up the ball, and Max ran all the way back, about 100 feet if not more. He caught the ball. Don't know why I am telling you this, perhaps to just help you get your mind off of things, and wishing I was there with you.
Maybe also, sometimes we think we may be stuck, but that's not true. Wish I could pick up the ball right now and throw it. I'm sure I could give Max a good run on that throw.
Well anyway, hope that you are finally sleeping. Just remember how much I care.
amy
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Free, your mom sounds eerily like mine was. I was in therapy for years before my doctor dropped this little nugget on me that changed my life. I offer it for you. "your mother is what we call a dry tit. She isn't withholding from you, she doesn't have it give. It's just not there." for me, that was a Wowee. The light came on. It wasn't ME that was wrong, undeserving or unworthy. She didn't have it to give. It was her flaw, not mine.
my mom didn't come to the hospital for any surgery I had. Even as a teen! I was 17 years old and in the hospital for three days! She didn't even call! It was just a foot surgery, I did have an allergic reaction to the morphine but was OK. I was in the hospital for five days as an adult for an ovarian cyst. She didn't come, she didn't call. I was scared.
In school, she never came to my plays or speech performances. And I was the lead! She didn't come to award ceremonies or my graduations. She just didn't have it in her. She wasn't lazy, she was creative and kept a great house, I had great clothes. it those were hobbies for her. for her satisfaction.
So, please take care of you, get some rest. Meditate on this. As I began to understand the "dry tit" thing, so many of the old feelings of inadequacies and abandonment eased. Oh I still have some scars. But I was finally able to let her go, she was no longer a part of close family, she was just a figure from the past, on the outer edge.
Without even realizing it, I quit calling her. Months went by before she called me. I was so surprised to hear from her! I had nothing to say! I wasn't mad, I wasn't feeling retaliation, I just finally got it!
Anyway, odd like life often is, she ended up sick and living with me as she no whe else to go. And I was the only one with her when she died. Oh the irony!
So please, take care of you. Do not depend on her, her won't be there. Not because of you, but because she just doesn't have the ability.
I hope this is helpful. And that you heal quickly. You deserve love. Oh, and I for years chose men who were distant and emotionally abusive because that was what I knew. today I have a loving and affectionate man as my husband. You deserve one too.
Love from Lenina
my mom didn't come to the hospital for any surgery I had. Even as a teen! I was 17 years old and in the hospital for three days! She didn't even call! It was just a foot surgery, I did have an allergic reaction to the morphine but was OK. I was in the hospital for five days as an adult for an ovarian cyst. She didn't come, she didn't call. I was scared.
In school, she never came to my plays or speech performances. And I was the lead! She didn't come to award ceremonies or my graduations. She just didn't have it in her. She wasn't lazy, she was creative and kept a great house, I had great clothes. it those were hobbies for her. for her satisfaction.
So, please take care of you, get some rest. Meditate on this. As I began to understand the "dry tit" thing, so many of the old feelings of inadequacies and abandonment eased. Oh I still have some scars. But I was finally able to let her go, she was no longer a part of close family, she was just a figure from the past, on the outer edge.
Without even realizing it, I quit calling her. Months went by before she called me. I was so surprised to hear from her! I had nothing to say! I wasn't mad, I wasn't feeling retaliation, I just finally got it!
Anyway, odd like life often is, she ended up sick and living with me as she no whe else to go. And I was the only one with her when she died. Oh the irony!
So please, take care of you. Do not depend on her, her won't be there. Not because of you, but because she just doesn't have the ability.
I hope this is helpful. And that you heal quickly. You deserve love. Oh, and I for years chose men who were distant and emotionally abusive because that was what I knew. today I have a loving and affectionate man as my husband. You deserve one too.
Love from Lenina
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I hope sweet child that you are sleeping comfortably now. Just picture all of us there as we make sure that cover is pulled up tightly and giving you a kiss on your forehead to say goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.
Good night Niki,
Your the best, and don't ever forget that.
amy
Good night Niki,
Your the best, and don't ever forget that.
amy
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Oh I'm going to just keel over if I don't get some sleep. My roomie has dementia and just will not quiet down. I feel bad for her a lot and wouldn't wish dementia on my worst of enemy. Such a heart wrenching disease.
Otoh... I'm so effing tired and achy. I've slept for a grand total of an hour and a half. They won't allow me to transfer rooms and this poor lady is so demented that she requires one on one with a staff member. So I'm subjected to one line conversations, questions being asked at random moments, her calling out for h her mother, using the bathroom LITERALLY 2-3 times an hour, and the staff trying g hard to quiet her down.
No one is to blame and I am not angry. I'm just really frustrated. I really need sleep. And I'll just add right here, for the sake of argument, that had mom brought my stuff and allowed me to work on it here during this time of positively no sleep, I would be ABLE to go home and totally crash. But as it stands now, I have assignments due and will be unable to just chill out.
I wish people h had more faith in my ability to make choices for myself. I feel like people (including some friends on SR) really second guess my judgment calls on what I as an individual can handle. I know this is done out of love here at SR.... But in "real" life, I feel it is degrading, humiliating, and moreover simply inaccurate.
I need sleep
Otoh... I'm so effing tired and achy. I've slept for a grand total of an hour and a half. They won't allow me to transfer rooms and this poor lady is so demented that she requires one on one with a staff member. So I'm subjected to one line conversations, questions being asked at random moments, her calling out for h her mother, using the bathroom LITERALLY 2-3 times an hour, and the staff trying g hard to quiet her down.
No one is to blame and I am not angry. I'm just really frustrated. I really need sleep. And I'll just add right here, for the sake of argument, that had mom brought my stuff and allowed me to work on it here during this time of positively no sleep, I would be ABLE to go home and totally crash. But as it stands now, I have assignments due and will be unable to just chill out.
I wish people h had more faith in my ability to make choices for myself. I feel like people (including some friends on SR) really second guess my judgment calls on what I as an individual can handle. I know this is done out of love here at SR.... But in "real" life, I feel it is degrading, humiliating, and moreover simply inaccurate.
I need sleep
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Hope you finally got some rest. Take some deep breaths. Try as much as you can to roll with the situation. No matter how right you are about all the maddening things about your mom, fighting it is using up strength you need for yourself right now.
A person can only expend so much physical, mental, and emotional energy. Put it where it's needed, and try to let the lesser things go as much as you can. It doesn't mean they aren't important at all, but first things first.
Hope today you are feeling less pain and more grounded.
Hugs,
A person can only expend so much physical, mental, and emotional energy. Put it where it's needed, and try to let the lesser things go as much as you can. It doesn't mean they aren't important at all, but first things first.
Hope today you are feeling less pain and more grounded.
Hugs,
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I could be totally off base but I think control issues are a problem for every single poster on this side of the Sober Recovery forum.
So when someone over here responds to any thread with what they think you should do, it actually has NOTHING to do with you. It took me a long time to realize that for myself. We're all strangers who don't really know each other here, but somehow we totally know all about each other because we've all got the same problems. One of those problems is the fact that our way of helping someone is to boss them around, because we know exactly what everyone needs to do to make any situation better. Which is just silly.
The truth is that too much of our lives have been spent trying to do damage control when the alcoholic we love creates some unnecessary mess and doesn't bother cleaning it up. I know I can't stand any situation that makes me feel out of control. It's hard for me to offer emotional support only.
It seems like you just wanted emotional support freetosmile. You totally deserve that. You're strong and amazing. Look at all that you accomplish in one day. I'm sorry that everything at the hospital is a mess. It's okay to be frustrated that you can't sleep. It's reasonable to be upset with your unsupportive and callous mom, who can't be bothered to remember what the doctor said is wrong with you. She is not nice. You deserve better.
I hope you get some rest. I know it seems daunting to think of all the work ahead of you but you got this. You've been through worse.
So when someone over here responds to any thread with what they think you should do, it actually has NOTHING to do with you. It took me a long time to realize that for myself. We're all strangers who don't really know each other here, but somehow we totally know all about each other because we've all got the same problems. One of those problems is the fact that our way of helping someone is to boss them around, because we know exactly what everyone needs to do to make any situation better. Which is just silly.
The truth is that too much of our lives have been spent trying to do damage control when the alcoholic we love creates some unnecessary mess and doesn't bother cleaning it up. I know I can't stand any situation that makes me feel out of control. It's hard for me to offer emotional support only.
It seems like you just wanted emotional support freetosmile. You totally deserve that. You're strong and amazing. Look at all that you accomplish in one day. I'm sorry that everything at the hospital is a mess. It's okay to be frustrated that you can't sleep. It's reasonable to be upset with your unsupportive and callous mom, who can't be bothered to remember what the doctor said is wrong with you. She is not nice. You deserve better.
I hope you get some rest. I know it seems daunting to think of all the work ahead of you but you got this. You've been through worse.
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I wish people h had more faith in my ability to make choices for myself. I feel like people (including some friends on SR) really second guess my judgment calls on what I as an individual can handle. I know this is done out of love here at SR.... But in "real" life, I feel it is degrading, humiliating, and moreover simply inaccurate.
((hugs)) I really and truly do understand. In forums we rarely have the big picture. Even in real life people see bits and pieces but frequently don't know all the nuances of the larger picture and that hurts. How we respond to things and what we need is impacted by this. The "you just need to do xyz" is something I see frequently. It is hurtful.
That said I'm very glad you are getting a room change. I spent three days in the hospital about a year ago and I find hospitals the least restful place out there. They really need to give you earplugs as part of the admission process. There was one lady who would frequently yell out NURSE NURSE rather than pressing the call button. I could not WAIT to go home. I'd Fedex you some earplugs if I could. Hope today is a little more restful between all the blood pressure checks, etc.
((hugs)) I really and truly do understand. In forums we rarely have the big picture. Even in real life people see bits and pieces but frequently don't know all the nuances of the larger picture and that hurts. How we respond to things and what we need is impacted by this. The "you just need to do xyz" is something I see frequently. It is hurtful.
That said I'm very glad you are getting a room change. I spent three days in the hospital about a year ago and I find hospitals the least restful place out there. They really need to give you earplugs as part of the admission process. There was one lady who would frequently yell out NURSE NURSE rather than pressing the call button. I could not WAIT to go home. I'd Fedex you some earplugs if I could. Hope today is a little more restful between all the blood pressure checks, etc.
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Perhaps we were trying to alleviate your irritation - you made it clear that she wasn't coming. What should we all do say "F*CK HER" and such just to get you riled up more?
If I were there and you wanted your computer I would have brought it. I would have also been there after you got out of surgery. I would have also demanded a room change. I would have had the nurse pull the charts and explain to you what the Doctor found was wrong with you. If the nurse was unwilling to move you I would have called the charge nurse, and patient advocacy if necessary, to get a move on the room change.
Having been a care giver of two very sick parents for 22 months, and at times chronically ill RAH I am used to it. I am also grateful for whatever help I can get specifically in dealing with my parents (RAH's needs are far, far less). My sister and I are the ones who have to do it all even though I have two brothers. My parents live 300 miles from me - I have taken off 15 weeks of work to support them while my brothers (one in particular) do nothing. One brother will every once in awhile come and help and when he does I am so grateful (in between ranting about their lack of help) I could cry.
So while she may be difficult and not the most empathetic caregiver, and sounds like she has her own agenda - she IS there and she IS taking care of your children. Take what she offers because a little is more than nothing. In a couple of days she will be gone and you can get back to life a usual.
Hope you are feeling better today Free!
If I were there and you wanted your computer I would have brought it. I would have also been there after you got out of surgery. I would have also demanded a room change. I would have had the nurse pull the charts and explain to you what the Doctor found was wrong with you. If the nurse was unwilling to move you I would have called the charge nurse, and patient advocacy if necessary, to get a move on the room change.
Having been a care giver of two very sick parents for 22 months, and at times chronically ill RAH I am used to it. I am also grateful for whatever help I can get specifically in dealing with my parents (RAH's needs are far, far less). My sister and I are the ones who have to do it all even though I have two brothers. My parents live 300 miles from me - I have taken off 15 weeks of work to support them while my brothers (one in particular) do nothing. One brother will every once in awhile come and help and when he does I am so grateful (in between ranting about their lack of help) I could cry.
So while she may be difficult and not the most empathetic caregiver, and sounds like she has her own agenda - she IS there and she IS taking care of your children. Take what she offers because a little is more than nothing. In a couple of days she will be gone and you can get back to life a usual.
Hope you are feeling better today Free!
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I hope you are feeling better and get some rest.
Mid-term on Tuesday when on Saturday you are still in the hospital?
I don't think this is feasible for you both in body and mind. Even if you do manage to take it, you won't do your best.
Mid-term on Tuesday when on Saturday you are still in the hospital?
I don't think this is feasible for you both in body and mind. Even if you do manage to take it, you won't do your best.
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I am home now. I'm doing better. I'm calmer and not such a basket case.
God is good. My new roommate was actually a transfer advisor at the college I go to. I must have had some anesthesia induced breakdown ( I don't really remember much of it) but I ended up opening up to her about my home and school situation. She talked to me for a long time about her abusive marriage and how she finally broke free, went back to school, got her bachelors degree and how she loved her freedom. She told me she knew I was gonna make it and how it I ever needed her help in getting to a four year (which I plan on doing) how she would be more than happy to hook me up. She gave me her card and said she would never forget me.
Wow!
God is good. My new roommate was actually a transfer advisor at the college I go to. I must have had some anesthesia induced breakdown ( I don't really remember much of it) but I ended up opening up to her about my home and school situation. She talked to me for a long time about her abusive marriage and how she finally broke free, went back to school, got her bachelors degree and how she loved her freedom. She told me she knew I was gonna make it and how it I ever needed her help in getting to a four year (which I plan on doing) how she would be more than happy to hook me up. She gave me her card and said she would never forget me.
Wow!
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