shil2587

I apologise in advance for what is probably going to be a long thread. I just need to 'talk out' some things that are going on right now and to thank you all for some of the posts in threads tonight that have helped me.

Two things stood out. One poster said that they never wanted to fix their bf but a hug was like a drug. That's me. Definitely and I never really thought about it like that before. I stay with men until I become utterly miserable with them and until I think there might be someone else rising on the horizon. I don't cheat, but I always seem to need to know I won't be alone. Being loved is a drug to me and it's one I think I really am afraid of being without. Why that is, I am sure I know but it's not relevant is it? I have to figure out what to do with that knowledge. I wonder if alcoholics feel the same, like they can't possibly live without that drug and aren't entirely sure they want to?

I KNOW I don't want to leave. There is no abuse and he treats me extremely well and makes sure I know I am loved. But that's the issue isn't it? As long as I feel loved I won't do what might be best for me. Leave. Because I am scared I won't find that again. Because the highs, at the moment, are definitely worth the lows.

So what now? Another poster today talked about keeping a diary to not forget or downplay the lows. I think that is the answer I needed. Thank you! I need to record my.life with him as it actually is and not.just rely on memories glossed over by feeling in love. Only then might I be able to work.out if this is actually what I want.

I have good reason to leave. I think, but can't be sure, that in the early days of our relationship he was having casual sex frequently with people he met online. He keeps relapsing despite his genuine efforts. When he does, he stays with his sponsor or at a hotel so I am protected from it as best he can, but I shouldn't have to have a part time partner. Also, I want children. We agreed long ago we would not have them unless he had been sober for several years, but it would be nice not to have to have that proviso in the first place. Also, reading about people dying in horrible circumstances. When he is away in a relapse, I am so worried that he'll turn up dead. I know one day he probably will and I will be devastated. But yet I want to stay to the bitter end.

In short, I am happy(ish) now, but long-term, I don't know if I am staying for the right reasons or out of fear of loneliness. So thank you for those revelations and suggestions tonight. Your posts and shares mean so much and help so much.

LemonGirl

Hugs release feel good chemicals in the brain. For whatever reason, many codependent people are in some sort of chemical addiction in their brains.... like the chemicals that flood our brains during traumatic events, for instance...

Jane11

Shil, thanks for your post- I too feel like being loved is a drug (and like Lemongirl says there are actually chemicals involved), and I too deep down fear loneliness and love the feeling of being loved by someone, feeling close, being hugged. I think this is why I remember all those nice feelings and how I miss them as opposed to the horrors that also were part of my relationship. I have read here before about journaling and writing down the 'full story' as it were, maybe I will take a lead from you and do that also. Thanks for sharing x

dandylion

shil...there is a book that you can get on Amazon.com...titled: "The Saber-toothed Tiger".
It address this very issue. I think you would find that much of it would resonate with you.

dandylion

Jane11

Dandylion, you have suggested this book to me before and I would very much like to read it but I couldn't find it available for purchase in the UK sadly!

dandylion

Oh, I am sorry to hear that. I had assumed that Amazon shipped to the UK....

dandylion

Jane11

Dandylion, I am wrong! They do ship to UK I wasn't reading it right. When I get paid I will order this as it takes a little time to arrive. Thank you!

Shil, maybe you could read and we could discuss lol

Duckygirl1

Being lonely is recognizing the absence of others, being alone is experiencing the fullness of your own presence. Once you get comfortable in your own skin, it gets easier. Love, like anything else that feels really good can become addictive, but the desire to be in a loving relationship is normal. I kept all of the text between me and my xabf. I can read them from the first "what apt are you in?" To the last "I hope we can be friends someday" which he sent on Valentine's Day from rehab. I read it as " I'm feeling guilty" The stuff in between in madness.

I don't know who he'll be after rehab, don't really care. Being friends is highly unlikely and not desirable to me. But every now and then I get a bit weak. I read through those texts and I'm back in the saddle again feeling nothing but happy that he's gone. (((Hugs)))

shil2587

I will have a look for that book. Right now, I need to get on with buying a nice decorative notepad to keep a diary. I realised last might just how much I forget when he is present and sober.

A friend of mine had been telling me that my standards were too low and she listed a bunch of examples. As soon as I got home and we were spending a good evening together, all of that slipped straight out of my head. So, yes. Need to get a diary.

For now, though, it's something of a reality check. This time it doesn't feel so much like a relapse. It has gone on intermittently for 6 weeks. This feels more like he's giving up. And that scares me. I always said I would leave if he ever went back to drinking beyond a short relapse while he was getting into recovery. Now I am faced with that actually possibly happening, I don't want to go. But I also don't want a future like this. Coming home to him drunk. Or coming home to a note telling me he's drunk and staying away for a few days. Not knowing if this is the time he'll kill himself as a result.

Anyway, I am rambling. I guess I am trying to relieve some of the anxiety/anger I feel at him. This is the first time it's gone on for more than a week and the first time I guess I got a glimpse of what my future could hold. Hope is, perhaps fatal for me in this situation. I know that and yet I keep going. I guess I'll know when I am ready to leave? I hope it won't come to that, but if it does I need to put some tools in place to enable me to make that decision.

Thanks for reading. I just need to offload lately.

Fathom

Hugs, Shil. I think you are actually farther along in your recovery than you think. You are observing yourself and your situation, and you are identifying things that you have power over to change. That's HUGE! So, take a moment to pat yourself on the back for that.

Now, I learned a tool in a mindfulness class that I think will be right up your alley. You are basically already using it, but very informally. It is a pros and cons list that actually has four parts to it. Write out pros / cons of sticking it out in the short term (like the next year or so). Next, write out the pros / cons of sticking around in the long term (think 10 yrs or so). Now compare the short-term pros against the longterm cons, and the longterm pros against the short-term cons. That might help to clarify your options for you and motivate you in a particular direction.

Keep reading and posting here. You are doing very well!

Peace,
Fathom