CodeJob

INgal,

Ever watch young kids bowling? They put down those gutter protectors so the kids have an actual shot of getting a few pins down?

Your child is not that age any more.

changeneeded

For me; Yes! It would have helped. Especially if it was peppered with you letting me know that although "my son is a good young man, he is not great, and you deserve great."

That is my opinion.

Timeiskey

[QUOTE=INgal;5227971]I do NOT want to contribute to the problem by encouraging girls who date my son. QUOTE]

This implies that by doing nothing- about the romantic relationships that form between your son and whoever- that you are in control in some way over their relationship...it seems to me that if you stay out of it, you are NOT contributing...

Jane11

INgal, Just my opinion but I agree with those who said stay on your side of the street. By all means if you are asked by a concerned partner of his or if you perceive there to be some real danger for a partner this is where it may be necessary to intervene.

I had a similar experience to duckygirl- my xabf's mum thought I would be his saving grace, as did his nan, as did most of his semi stable family actually. Always telling me oh he loves you so much, oh you've helped him get his **** together (really, well you've not seen what I have people)!! His mum just wanted me to stick around to take the pressure off her, so he was my problem and not hers. She wasn't a 'bad' person and I did get along with her ok, she was nice to me but when I look back it feels like manipulation. I lived in her house with him for a time and she saw to some extent how he treated me and although she would intervene on occasion she would still try and keep me around and couldn't see what her son was really like- kudos to you that you seem to be clear of his issues and not in denial.

We did talk about xabf's alcohol issues from time to time, only when she was aware I had witnessed a certain extent, but she was more consumed in her own life to really know what was going on with his and only did if something bad happened in the house. Had she of pre warned me of the extent of his alcoholism and abuse I probably would have questioned him and two things would have happened- 1. An ugly showdown between him and his mum and maybe even his mum and me 2. Him manipulating me into some kind of 'my mums a psycho, see what she says about me, yea I do drink a bit but is it any wonder with a mum who says **** like that about me'

I would have probably stuck around to see it for myself to be quite honest and unless I was in a long enough relationship to build a close one to his mother would have found it odd that she told me all this early on as a warning.

happycampers

I just have to say a HUGE Thank You to ALL for this conversation ! It has been So enlightening and educational for me - I can' t thank you enough ! It has really opened me up to my own patterns and why certain things went the way they did . I have found that the more I have learnt from reading so many experienced and caring people here on SR., the more I have understood situations and my part in it. I have found that very empowering and exciting because I CAN do something about that one person : MYSELF ! So, thank you all - there are so many words of Truth here , it' s a blessing I stumbled onto here!

shil2587

I am the girlfriend in the story that made 'sobriety worth maintaining' (at least in his mother's eyes - as he got into recovery within three months of us going out - I know it wasn't about me, but she doesn't seem to).

My partner told me within two months of us dating, but his mother was going to tell me the first time I met her (when it was officially serious etc.). I think that was a good idea, to tell a girlfriend who seems to be serious.

Trouble is, can you stop there? His mother couldn't. She kept interfering, either telling him that he should break up with me to protect me (which he eventually did for a year before deciding for himself not to) or telling me not to depend on him.

Result, he speaks less with her about his private life and I refuse to have anything other than trivial and short conversations with her. It backfired.

So yes, I would make sure a serious girlfriend knew he was an alcoholic and I would even point her in the direction of SR or alanon 'for support if you want it'. But I would ABSOLUTELY stop there.

INgal

I think it is exceptionally awesome that you have all given me input with differing viewpoints. I believe it us a fine line we walk with out A's. Too much can send them into a tailspin, too little and they don't believe we care. I asked because I feel somewhat responsible for what these girls go through. But, I will only respond if they want adive or gave questions.

This is exactly why I've been so isolated over the past year. I'm actually going to grocery stores in neighboring towns because I fear running into people I know. Here's hoping Al AlAnon can help my find some peace. THANK YOU for all your insight!

Ileana

I wish the parents of the guy who was instrumental in our daughters addiction would have warned us. They knew but they never said a word. They hoped she would turn him around. Instead, he turned her his way. I would have listened but would my daughter have? Probably not. Ultimately, it was her choice but I still think (or hope), if nothing else, I'd been able to catch what was going on sooner than I did.

charis78

I wish my exes mother warned me. However his sister did and I didn't listen so it probably doesn't help. His dad asked me if his son was treating me nice and sometimes they have to get on him about it and to this day I believe my ex over them. Wish I listened

auroraxborealis

Not sure if X's mom agrees, but two (three?) of his sisters and his dad all think I am the best thing that ever happened to him, and most (dare I say, all) of his family thought I was going to "straighten him out." The warnings never did me any good. Look at me now.

CodeJob

Oh IN, this made me sad. It is true people don't get addiction and what to say in these social exchange of information interactions is painful. How is your DS? Oh fine.

Fine covers so much ground...

cookiesncream

Ditto to Codejob. Thanks for explaining a little more of the bigger picture. The young adults I encountered in outpatient treatment really were the most immature lot I'd ever encountered and it was terribly frustrating. Honestly I do understand why their parents were so angry. That said, in re-reading what you've posted I dunno. I guess you could inform your son that as part of living with you rules that you will let people know that he is in treatment and leave it at that. This approach does take the risk of alienating your son but depending on the circumstances it may be worth it to you. This one is one of many situations where there are no easy answers. This tends to be a rather touchy subject for me as my s/o chose to share a lot with people out of his own anger rather than genuine concern for me or anybody else. Sharing information with the motivations of control or shaming the other person can be very damaging in the long term. Just think carefully first. I can understand your wish to avoid others facing unnecessary pain, truly I do.