Yreva

I haven't written in a while, I feel like my life is slowly falling apart....actually it feels like it has crumbled to pieces.
As some of you may know my AH entered treatment about 6 weeks ago-after I asked him to leave the house. He is doing well and has been sober and clean, also off of the lexapro he was taking. All of the sudden he wants nothing to do with me. Basically has told me that our marriage is the source of his unhappiness and he "feels like coming home and seeing me is like walking into a bar" I am so sad and hurt I can barely see straight. I am trying to remain "strong" for our kids (ages 5 and 3) but I am so confused.
He told me he hasn't been happy for some time in this marriage, and just is tired of trying. His mom died of cirrosis of the liver at 42 (he was 14) and he has pretty much been drinking since he was about 16. When I met him he had just had a DUI and had swore off alcohol. I fell in love instantly and was glad he didn't drink (My mom is an active alcoholic and has been all my life) guess I thought I was being smart, but really was not. He was obviously an addict and has never been open to talking about any problems in our relationship. Whenever I came to him with a problem he would just say "What now?" "You are never happy!" "I just let those things not bother me and you need to do the same" Needless to say I never felt heard, and rarely felt appreciated or loved. He is quite selfish at times, and has always tried to blame me for his drinking----even told me when he left that "he always has been an alcoholic, but when he had happiness in his life he could control the alcohol" So basically still is saying that his drinking got bad because of me.
Sorry so long, but here is my question....I am holding out hope for us because I think he hasn't been sober long enough to work out that he is in charge of his own feelings and insecurities and our relationship is not to blame here. Should I just walk away from this 7 year marriage (10 yrs together)??? I don't want to hurt anymore, but most of all I want to do what is best for the kids. They love their Dad, and don't understand why he doesn't come home and live with us. I am barely holding on and am going to start counseling on Tues. I feel like I can barely complete a thought, and am having trouble sleeping and eating.....of course......just need some advice, and yes I have been to quite a few Al Anon meetings, but just really didn't feel comforted by the set up there. Tried a few different meetings, but feel like I need to talk to a counselor one on one and get some feedback. Thanks for listening really needed to put this "down on paper"
Di

givingup

Dear Yreva - My AH has told me the same thing on a number of occasions- lamenting that I was the cause of his unhappiness. That he could not stay in this relationship and stay sober. In the past I would always work really hard at getting him to stay. All of the sudden, I was the one asking for forgiveness (for what I'm not sure) and making all kinds of promises to be a better wife (think Stepford). Well, guess what? The last time he told me that he thought our marriage was the source of his problems, I told him that I thought he was right and that he should do what was best for him. In fact I would help him pack. Boy, you can't believe how fast he backpedaled. The caution that I give is that you must be ready to accept the fact that he may really go. Where did I read: What do you do when your AH walks out the door? Shut it. I really love that.

Live Strong!

redrose0729

One of the hardest things I ever encountered is you cannot make someone want to be with you if they want to go trying only makes them feel suffocated and pushes them away faster. Once when my A bf was in a depression and sleeping all the time I was ready to ask him to leave when I decided I would fix the things that are wrong with me and then let everything else fall where it may. So I got up and went to work on me about 2 days later he started waking up and coming out of the depression. The thing is no one can be happy with you if you are not happy with yourself. When I come up on times like you are going through thats when I do alot of self exploration and discovery. I have felt like when in a bad relationship somewhere along the line I had lost myself and let things in the past change who I was and who God intended me to be. I think seeing a counselor would be very good for you I have went through counseling and it did wonders for me. One thing a counselor had me do is pretend I had my child self walking around with me and I would talk to her and buy her gifts and be the parent to her that I always wanted her to have and it really helped me, it helped heal that hurting little girl inside of me. I have found that many men and women carry around hurting little girls and boys inside of them and when that is healed it helps them tremendously in their adult lives. I sure hope some of this is a help to you many prayers and hugs to you.

Zoey

YREVA.. I am so sorry. I can feel your hurt, the terrible hurt for you and your kids.
Did he drink at home?? Would that be why it feels like it is a bar???
I feel he should not make any plans for a year at least. Getting sober is hard.
Perhaps ask him to give it time.
I did not have childern so cannot make suggestions, just wanted to send HUGS clancy46

splendra

Yreva-

I know what your H is saying to you is hurting really bad... Possibly he hasn't had enough recovery and possibly you have not either. If your counselor is smart and really cares they will probably teach you that no matter what you just have to take good care of your self.

I am sure you really do love your H... Do you remember the old saying ... if you love someone set them free if they come back they are yours if they don't then they never were.... another version is.... if you love someone set them free if they don't come back go hunt them down and kill them....

Have you tried "adult children of alcoholics" meetings? They address issues of growing up with alcoholics even better than alanon does. Now is a great time to start taking care of yourself honey find out what you have been missing while putting up with your H's stuff. Be strong live long....I am sure if he sees you living well this will entice him more than pleading with him to come back will. Keep posting and welcome to sober recovery....

donald1960

Yreva,

I feel your pain. I have posted a couple of somewhat similar and rather lenghty post. " Is ther any hope for this marraige in Naranon and another in alanon. I have a very good sence of where you guys are. You are going to, and have got some wonderful advise. 1st I want to recomend a book The Divorce remedy by Michelle Warner Davis.

2. You need to take care of you now. 3. Think about what you are missing in your life right now and adress them companionshio and a sounding board - people that feel for you- this is a remarkable site. 3. Dont obsess abouy all the tommorrows that havent happend yet 4. DO NOT PLEAD AND BEG ! Do not try to use guilt or shame - IT DOES NOT WORK! It will make matters worse - he sees nothing positive in you now and that will reinforce that. 5. Let go and let God, very hard but it will bring you peace and serenity. It takes practice. Know that you have God in your corner. Pray to him. Do not set unreasonable expectations but do set goals. No time tables! 6. You have stated your case now back off and ACT (VERY VERY HARD) that you are at peace and believe its probabally the only solution - agree with him - this will end the resistance. Agree that you've been a nag if you must. Swollow some pride. Feel your anger later when he's not arround. Do not let him controll when you speak togeather - dont make yourself so accessable. You've made yourself into sugar - a readily assessable comodity - act like you are Gold. And start to believe that! You are! It'll be his loss not yours anyway. Divorce takes a year at least and he has no grounds so t can take much longer. He's probabbally just venting his frustrations. Give him enough rope to hang himself - with guilt and shame. Time is on your side - I know the hrs are like days and the days are like months right now but if you love him and want him you need to get your **** togeather and compose yourself. Dont act needy even though you are. Feel the pain and release it - let it go. say the serenity prayer over and over. You can not change him with words. But some small changes in you can have a profound effect on him. Get him to watch the kids one night because your going out with the girls - something you probabally dont often do. Where something sexy - show some cleavage but dont go overboard. Dont let him know where you are going and be vague as to who's going. Act like you are preparing to go on with your life. Not as you would have had things bit you are adjusting to reality. KEEP IT SHORT! You want to keep him guessing. He needs time to let some guilt set in. He needs to fix himself and 6 weeks is no where's near enough. In time he will see you have not been responsible for his unhappyness - and quite the contrary the best par of his life was with you. Stay with alanon meetings. Get book "The language of Letting Go" by Melonie Beate. this book will give you peace and repose. The other one is what it professes.

Be thankfull to God for all the wonderfull stuff you do have. Your kids! Give them your unconditional love. Put away the photo albums - they'll just get you sick. You dont have to run arround removing all the pictures of you two in fact when he's in home alone with kids they'll help with the guilt he needs. Time is on your side! Be prepared for an endurance race its not gonna be a sprint. I know the feeling of wanting things right and wantiong them now. It sucks. Journal. Talk. Post in here. Get it out! take walks. Join a gym. take care of yourself!!!!! And use your sexuality in subtle ways! He'll miss you in time and he'll come back. When he does DO NOT BE OVER ANXIOUS! Do not make yourself like sugar. When he's not arround you can do the happy dance. Tell him you wanna take things slow no matter what! He needs to desire you again. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM!!!!! NO TIME SOON! He needs time to get his emotions in balance. He is not well yet by a longshot! If you rush into the recovery phase it will blow up.

lastly and before you guys get back into bed. I stongly recomend this site. Check it out asap www.HelpOurMarraige.net Retrouvaille marraige workshop - along with councilling once a week.

take a deep breath. These problems didnt occur over nite. Councilling on its own has a 3% success rate. Retouvaille has a 75% sucess rate!!!

I think - No I know that my marrage will be saved - in time. My relapse evaporated all my wifes trust. But I'm a NA poster boy now. I eat humble pie - deservingly so. early in my recovery I was blaming my wife for everything - from my relapse to betraying me. We and you guys are different . In time both our spouces will see the qualities in us that they fell in love. Do not let the negative projections you are getting rub off. Wrap yourself in Gods shield. Get on your frigg'n knees and pray. For you to be strong and courages. For your kids, for yourself and for your marraige. Speak very little. You've probabally (like me) are just talking at him . They shut down for a while. You've stated your case. Give it and the guilt time to set in. Look for little signd of progress. wait for him to make the first movres with regard to reconciling. When you agree to "consider it" tell him about retouvaille. and make it a precondition. Dont be a hard case though. Be loving gentle but firm. God is with you. Beleive that. He is a powerfull partner when called upon. Remember now he's the third partner in yopur marraige. Use him. God bless you and the kids. I will pray for you. I need to practice what I've preached now. IT sucks! but by pulling we just push em farter away! Peace - Donald

Yreva

Donald- Can I say I love you!!! What a powerful message and what an uplifter...Thank you so much. I will try all of the things you spoke about. It is nice to get some advice. I am feeling a little like a roller coaster with my emotions, but I will survive! Thanks again!
Di

Bellesarius

I agree with 99% of what donald said.. you need to be strong. Some have found Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" to be helpful. It's not perfect, but has some good advice. The basic tactic is, move away, get some distance just as Donald describes... one of two things will happen as you do so.. either he'll be drawn back in or he will bail. Often the spouse that wants to leave feels trapped and tied down. Release him from this.. let him go.. sounds like he'll probably come back, not right away.. months.. not years. He probably doesn't really want to go, it's just convenient to blame the other person and run away. Alcoholics are typically incredibly self-centered and egocentric and it often takes years of recovery before they can make a dent in this. Love and comitment must be a free choice, give him the dignity and opportunity to make a choice. If he comes back and you get help reconciling it (you'll need professional guidance to work through reconciliation, you both participated in the breakdown of your relationship, don't get self-righteous as the temptation is to do) you have a good chance of him staying permanantly.

DONT's (been here, done this with my wife who left me... and isn't coming back)

-hang on
-tell him you love him
-display your anger
- try to control him or force decisions
- guilt trip
- future trip.. let God handle it.. he's more capable
- don't call him unless it's about the kids or logistice, make him call you, no phone messages or long emails, if he calls and he's rambling or obviously just calling to hold on or drain you.. cut the conversation short sometime.. sorry, gotta go put the kids to bed, or gotta take a bath..clean.. etc.. whatever don't let him think that you are waiting on baited breath for his every call.. even if you are
- tell him what he should or shouldn't do (unless it effects you or the kids)
- emotionally blackmail in any way.. women are especially talented at this so be careful, you may find yourself doing it without know it
- obsess about him (hard, but not so hard once you turn him over)

DOs

- begin to takes steps to move on, rearrange the furniture, redecorate, buy some new clothes, something that makes you feel good and sets the tone that I'll be fine without you, and i'm ok, he'll be much more comfortable reengaging if you are a strong, independent person with boundaries.. interdependency is the goal, not enmessed co-dependence
- be mysterious, don't tell him everything you are doing, or everything you are thinking
- take care of yourself
- practice gratitude
- go to Al-anon and/or counseling (al-anon works great for me)
- work on your spiritual life
- take care of your kids, if you are lonely, turn to them and spend more time with them... they'll fill you up, really!
- if you have something to say to him, think about it first, make sure it's something thats thoughtful, honest(very important), intuitive, and kind.. if not don't say anything, also wait for the right opportunity or opening if you can
- if you need to confront or set boundaries, apply the point above, then say your peace and shut up, don't belabor the point, and by all means don't water it down with lots of excuses, etc... firm, but loving

"I need x, would you please respect my wishes." then shut up.. don't provide reasons, don't belabor the point, don't use a nasty, controlling, vindictive, whiny, or condescending tone, just say what you need to and be done with it and then listen.

- practice detachment with love (turn him over to God, let God handle it)

All I've got..
Hang in there.. it'll get better... "...the family system is bound to improve..."

redrose0729

Gosh that was great you 2. I need to print that up and save it . Thanks for posting it I know it helped alot of us

best

What they said.... and yes it does work. Having been on the recieving end, it does work to change things. Left me to deal with "my" issues. From what I had seen it also allowed my wife to get through her day.

Great info you guys have shared. WOW!

When a heart has a crack, God will press against that crack and open up a stone heart to bring change.
When a heart has no crack and is made of stone, God may allow the heart of stone to walk on so that the tenderhearted one may be set free.

So thankful that God made my heart with a crack that it could be worked at.

Yreva

Thanks again- I started counseling yesterday and I think it will help. I tried Al Anon, but couldn't find a meeting that really suited me. I feel more comfortable right now witht the one on one with the counselor. I am having good and bad days right now. Hanging in there and spending time with the kids when I can. I am working on getting a full-time job, and that feels crazy and bad after being home with the kids (part time work) for the last 3 years....Thanks again-
Di

Bellesarius

Even if you can't attend al-anon I'd strongly urge you to get some of the literature to refer to. Keep coming here and listening to everybody's hard earned experience.. the shared experience and community of people in recovery can't be matched. In a month or two, try Al-anon again. Sometimes we aren't ready until we're ready, and that's ok. An infamous chinese proverb states.. when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Keep the focus on yourself, your actions and behaviors, it's all you have control over.

Hang on, let go and let God.
Cheers!

donald1960

I needed to read what I wrote and the other guys. Its so damn hard! I miss my wife so badly. Whats she's doing hurts so much!!! At times its just unbearable.

Bellesarius

Amen brother. Same here. I definitely struggle with detachment and letting go. I do have days at a time where I am detached and I can tell you it's GREAT! But it comes and goes. My therapist says, overtime I'll be able to stay detached for longer periods as long as I continue to work my program.

Hang in there.. it does get better... really!

Zoey

YREVEA..HI..
You received wonderfull posts from Donald, Best and Beillesarius, and the rest.
I too want to THANK YOU ALL for being helpfull, to YREVA, SR is GREAT.

I want to add a tiny tidbit. Gotta be honest and from the GUT. worth a try, each chance you get just say, "you might be right". For some reason that gives them a bit of self esteem, and that in turn causes them to think "Was I really right? or could I do better"?? I think this might work well with friends and relatives too. Give it your own try, or leave it here. Just want to say, hope things work smoothly, but will take time. Best for you always clancy46

E

Catfish

Hello,

I hear what you are saying. My husband has been sober now for a year and a half. My life has changed so much since he has not touched a drink. Last February we went to Newbury Massachusetts to this place called The Lenair Technique Centre. The webset is **** You should try to go on this website and they can help you and your husband out. My husband drank for 40yrs.Near the end it was so bad that I really didn't want my days to end at work. The fighting, him falling and yelling was just so aweful.Anyhow I am hoping that you will try to go on there website and have a look. I promiss you that your lives could change for the better.

My husband told me so many times that you was going to leave me and that he is not happy because of me. We also tried to go to councelling and he always would say I will go and then when it was time he would be drunk and not bother. My counceller told me that I should leave him and start all over. I just couldn't because I new in my heart that there was a good person hiding.

Since he has gone to The Lenair Program we have a life and I never hear that he would want to leave me and those nasty comments that he would always say when he was drunk.

I could go on and on about this program, all I can say is try and give them a call.

Thanks.
Catfish's wife

Bellesarius

I'm very pleased to hear success stories.. or at least stories where both parties eventually agree to work on the marriage. Too many times I read about the alcoholic/addict getting sober and then bailing on the marriage. This is what has happened in my situation... my wife of 13 1/2 years (we have 5 kids) bailed and filed for divorce.. "I don't love you anymore.." oh.. and raise the kids too while you're at it.

Keep up the work! God will bless you!
Cheers

best

So glad to see you have the proper tools. The children may not fully understand the how or why. It is good to see that no matter what, they are in good hands with a dad like you.
Children will ask the same wrong questions... what did I do wrong to cause this?
As age allows, a pointing out of the truth can be a good idea.

Bellesarius

Thanks best! I'm doing the best I can.. which isn't great, I'm recovering from co-alcoholism and serious codependency.. my life is much better, and so are my childrens' lives without the chaos and ugly alcoholic interplay between their mom and dad. I don't want the kids thinking ill of their mother.. .they already have enough to deal with. I tell them their mom is sick, and that sometimes when big people get sick they need to take care of themselves. I also tell them, that there is nothing they did to cause this and nothing they can or could have done to change it. They assimilate this the best they can. They are seeing a very good psychologist and I work with them the best I can. They are actually much happier these days and don't ask too many questions. They see their mother several time a week, albeit only for a few hours at a time.. thanks to God's abundant grace, I'm able to permit her to stay in my life as a close friend. This is very hard, but she is a very fragile, mentally ill person that really needs my support and love.. don't misunderstand.. I have boundaries.. she has to call before she comes over, and I don't always say yes, she can't bring her male friends, and I won't discuss certain subjects with her that are too personal and painful for me. I also do not give her money... I just attempt to love her unconditionally the best I can. I have been able to seperate the actions from the person... well mostly. I am letting God handle the future the best I can.. he's in charge anyway, even if I wasn't willing to admit it.

These are my choices, and I'm not recommending anyone follow my course of action. At one point I considered cutting her off completely so I would have the space to heal. I still need healing, but I seem to have reached a point where I am detached from the situation enough that her presence doesn't drag me down. I am open, for the time being, to enter a reconciliation process, but I don't think this is realistic, and it may not be what God wants for me. We'll see... I have faith that it will be better than what I have been suffering through for the last 6-7 years... of course, that wouldn't require much.. sad but true.

Anyway, life is good, God is great.. and I'm happy to be alive.

Keep the faith.. it does get better!