smm264

Hello everyone. This is my first new thread...I have posted a couple of times, and have lurked for a while. Everyone's experiences have been so helpful that I haven't needed to ask any questions.

But I am confused now. My AH is in recovery; 120 days sober. He is working his 12 steps and we are in marriage counseling. Up until now, we've been working on our independent recoveries...him in AA and me in CODA. I do go to Al Anon when I can, but I unfortunately have several schedule conflicts that have made it difficult.

I hadn't realized how awful things had gotten until CODA and Al Anon. I am realizing that I wasn't living my own life. I've begun detaching, but it's very difficult to "stay on my side of the street" when he's lied to me for years. I don't want to get blindsided.

He is in a place where he wants to work on our marriage in a more focused manner. He says he feels stable enough in his own recovery that he can take on the emotional stress. He sees a psychiatrist, as well, and she has supported this...also wants him to go to al anon meetings so he can understand "exactly what he's put me through".

On one hand, I'm glad to see the progress. We talked for a long time yesterday and he listened well, was kind, was supportive. I love him and I would love it if we could get to a functional place.

On the other hand, I am freaked out. I want off the ride. I'm terrified to invest further emotions in our marriage if everything could fall apart again. I feel like I'm halfway out the door now, and I'm afraid to step back in.
I felt really good yesterday, but today I'm a bucket of nerves again.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to balance this?

dandylion

smm...4 months of sobriety may feel like a l ife time to an alcoholic, but it is just a blip of time in the big picture of things.

dandylion

LexieCat

Nothing has to be decided for good right now. Just because HE'S ready to focus on your marriage doesn't mean you have to be.

It sounds like you're doing some good work on yourself. Maybe that has to continue for longer before you are ready to decide whether to try to salvage the marriage. That's perfectly OK.

Alcoholics tend to be impatient, and to think everything revolves around them and their needs. That doesn't go away in four months. Take your time. And his reaction to that might tell you a lot about how much progress he's REALLY making in his recovery.

lillamy

I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic who became increasingly abusive. After I left him, he went to rehab and got sober. He wanted me to meet with him in counseling to figure out why I left (he said) -- while in reality, he wanted me to go to counseling with him to pull me back in, shame me into coming back.

It was very difficult for me to say no, because I had 20 years experience of doing what he wanted because it was easier that way -- because any time I didn't, it got ugly.

And that ugly didn't go away because he got sober. When I told him I didn't want to do counseling with him, all hell broke loose. Like Lexie said -- that kind of showed me what he was really after in counseling, and how far he had really come in his recovery.

It's hard to stand up for what you need when you're not used to doing it. But I think it's the right thing to do, hard as it may feel to tell him.

gettingstronger

Maybe you're not ready for this next step. And that's okay. Your healing doesn't have to abide by the time table of your RAH's. Have you expressed to your RAH that you need more time before you can take the next step?
As the spouse/SO, our healing is just as important as theirs.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome to you smm! I am glad you are here, and glad you have found help on the board. I understand how hard this must be. It's great that he is working recovery, but in the grand scheme of things, 120 is not that long. To him I am sure it seems forever. However, this did not happen in a short time, and your healing will not happen in a short time either. It takes a long time to earn back trust. And he may never earn it. You deserve to give yourself the time you need to figure that out.

XXX. I hope you keep posting as you are not alone!

NYCDoglvr

You just said it and it's understandable. Personally I think it's impossible (for me, at least) to trust and respect someone after they've crossed a line. Yea, I know all about recovery and such (I'm sober 23 years) but I spent too much time trying to turn back the clock, to understand, second chances, etc. etc. etc. I couldn't do it, but maybe you can. Four months is nothing, as was stated above. I suggest a year. Ok, he wants to jump back in now but the most important thing is what do YOU want? I suggest running to an Alanon meeting and getting phone numbers, because you need the support now. Self-honesty is so important!

Whatever, it's a bumpy ride. Please be kind to yourself, cut yourself slack, you're a good person who will get through this. A very big hug.

CodeJob

Hello Michigan sweet one,

You can speak up and say you aren't ready without disclosing you aren't even sure you are staying long term.

I've been chipping away at my own recovery for almost 2 years. I have swayed between staying and going. I should know in the next few months if we are going to end our marriage or not. So I totally empathize with this hanging in the wind feeling.

Peace. You deserve it.

smm264

I guess I don't know where I am. Everything came to a head because I found out he had slept with someone. When I found out about that, he came clean about the drugs and the drinking and checked himself into rehab. I wanted to address my pain from the affair right away. He, at the time, said he wasn't stable enough in his recovery to actively address mine. His psychiatrist and the treatment center agreed with that, because ultimately, our marriage couldn't recover if he didn't stay sober.

So now he says he's stable enough to address us. He says he didn't know how to address the horrible pain I was in and the fact that it was his fault. He said he had always dealt with pain with alcohol and drugs, and was afraid the stress and guilt of destroying my life would make him want to drink again, so he wanted enough sobriety under him and coping mechanisms in place to be able to handle it.

I understand that, and I guess a part of me is glad, because he's willing to listen to me. But another part of me is angry at being put off. And now that you've pointed it out, I do feel like I'm following his schedule. Why did I not see that??

I feel like, okay, I've been in pain for months and months...so I'm just supposed to roll over because you're ready? I've been ready. I feel like it's me following his rules again.

But I'm not sure if that's because I'm not "ready", or just a reaction out of pride.

lillamy

My suggestion would be to tell him exactly that. And tell him that you need time to figure out which it is.

gettingstronger

"I'm not sure if that's because I'm not "ready", or just a reaction out of pride."

Do you think that individual therapy could help you sort this out? If not therapy, conscious journaling might reveal your inner feelings. Your feelings matter. You cannot be half of a healthy couple if your healing isn't being addressed.

At one time or another, in the past year, I have felt pressured by my AH's IOP, his therapist and himself for me to work on "us". But I'm certainly not there, and frankly I don't think he is either. I think these other people (and AH) are looking at *us as a couple* to do some of *his* personal healing and growth work. I can't sacrifice what I need to "prop" him up. I don't know if this is how you've been feeling or not. But I hope my thoughts help. Take care of yourself.

NYCDoglvr

You have a RIGHT to feel as you do, just as he does. Saying you're not ready at this point is perfectly fine. So is saying you'll let him know when you are (just as he's done to you). You'll feel a whole lot less angry by standing up for your basic human rights.

smm264

"I can't sacrifice what I need to "prop" him up. "

I feel like I've spent the past several years propping him up. That's a role I want to steer clear of...I'm tired now. I need my reserves for me and my kids. I just don't think I have another loss in me. I think that's where I'm stuck.

Lately I can see the man I married. The one that was drowned out by alcohol and drugs. It's a very emotional thing. I had given up on seeing this one again. I had written us off as a lost cause. I had a mediator, was looking for a job...filled out all the divorce paperwork. In an odd way, it was easier then, when I had no hope of us, I knew how to move forward.

Now the sober version is shining through again. Playing with the kids, calling to see how I am, bringing home groceries, asking my opinion and listening to it... It hurts because now I know he's still in there. To see the "happy family" I wanted to have...to know that it could have been there this whole time...it's just a raw feeling.

I'm afraid to rebuild feelings and a relationship with him only to lose him again. It was too hard to get here once.

I suppose that's what detachment is for, isn't it?

mattmathews

On the other hand, I am freaked out. I want off the ride. I'm terrified to invest further emotions in our marriage if everything could fall apart again. I feel like I'm halfway out the door now, and I'm afraid to step back in.

Fear. Often not a helpful emotion.

Ultimately in life there aren't right choices and wrong choices, there are just choices. Problems and opportunities arise and we use all of our skills and good judgement to make the very best decisions that we can...and then we have to recognize that most of the time the outcome of our decisions is out of our hands. ("Let go and let God")
We experience fear because we try to avoid pain. We project past hurts into the future and try to avoid being hurt again. We become afraid to take risks. Our fears start to become walls that constrain our actions. Our world gets smaller and smaller as all of our fears box us into a smaller and smaller space.
If you go to many Al-Anon meetings, you'll hear that "we don't give advice." But the one piece of advice that I do hear is that we shouldn't make big decisions in the first year. I think that's because after living with an alcoholic, our thinking isn't exactly reliable.
Maybe in your case making no big decisions means you continue the divorce, maybe it means you wait. Your choice, no wrong choices...but now's a good time to begin to try and stop making decisions based on fear.
What ever your decisions are, find people that support you and love you no matter what. Best wishes on your journey.

NYCDoglvr

My first sponsor said that at the root of all negative, painful feelings is fear. Do you know what you're afraid of? For me it was being alone, the unknown, abandoned (even though an adult can't be abandoned but it felt that way). At the deep core it was confronting my own demons (the primary reason I chose a high drama alcoholic was to take the focus off me) and dealing with them. But in recovery we learn to live "one day at a time" ... I kept reeling my mind back into the present and focusing on what I needed to do today. The only place I have any power anyway. That made it a lot less scary.

cookiesncream

Though I'm coming from the other side of recovery much of what you say resonates with me. As my s/o has self identified as co-dependent I've been digging deep into boundaries as its become abundantly clear that many of my problems are due to my own inability to set them. I thought of a number of you, and your post is another one as I've been listening to the audiobook "Boundaries in Marriage." The author gives numerous examples of marriages including several where one party is an alcoholic. In the one example the husband was very self centered and manipulative, the wife had kicked him out and he got sober. He did all the right things and then he kept pushing to move back into the home. The therapist and wife smelled a rat though and ultimately the therapist advised against his moving back in. He was doing all of the work just to get what HE wanted. Until he was doing recovery work for HIMSELF and his own growth regardless of what happened in the marriage it was really more of the same. That said I like many others here would be very hesitant to proceed. I'd stick by your guns and let him know you will proceed with going forth when and if you are ready. You've been through hades and back. Be good to yourself:-)

Peace,

BlueChair

I was at a similar place with my husband SSM. He was using drugs, cheated on me, and ended up inpatient rehab. Like your story, we were both working with our own counseling and doing sessions together. I agree with his not being able to tackle the affair and pain immediately, his doctors did the right thing guiding this. And I think its positive he wants to work on it now 4 months out. Also understand u might not be ready. What I would say is be as honest in your marriage counseling session as you have been here. It is a little red flag for me when u talk of the fear you have when you see signs of a happy family. My suggestion is dont detach from your emotions or from what you see transforming. Work on the emotions with your doctor. I had anger, fear and flooded with emotions too. It took me more than four months, but what worked for me was complete honesty with him, especially in our sessions when the doctor could help draw out discussion and help us both come to a mutual place while healing was going on. Id hate for you to build too many walls when this is a time I feel walls need to start coming down. I needed the interaction with my husband as part of my healing. Being vulnerable was scary for me, but it took this for us to both heal and rebuild.

redatlanta

I also think the wait was a good idea. Nothing ever works with active alcoholic. You have both been working programs, seems as if all this was a necessity first in order to tackle this problem.

That said if you aren't ready you aren't ready. I wonder if your fear to invest more in the marriage is in part thoughts of trusting him after the betrayal?

TerpGal

You set the timetable here. You don't have to agree with what he wants if you aren't ready. YOU ARENT READY. You need to validate that. When we are trapped with an active addict all our feelings and needs are chucked out the window, and often we come from families of origin where feelings and needs had to be chucked out the window or bottled up too. When you start realising that, it hurts like he'll and feels unsafe and uncomfortable to validate your own feelings and needs. And then there's the anger........oh Tue anger.

I totally understand how you are one foot in and one foot out. He was unfaithful on almost every level imaginable. With another woman and substances. What you are feeling now is a lack of trust and I am right there with ya. I see my RAH, the one I fell in love with coming back too. It partly enraged me and part of me thinks it's is fake, simply can't be real. Mine has 6 months sober and I'm not sure if I can ever trust him again. Where you are right now isok. Focus on you. I'm sorry if I sound offensive but screw what he wants. It's time to figure out what YOU want.

CodeJob

Good morning SMM,

Fear. Mine just went away in the last few weeks. I no longer fear the outcome of my relationship.

So you have the fear of being taken advantage of again. The fear of letting go and he remains working a good recovery. The fear he will relapse and you'll be in the thick of his addiction again. I also had to untangle why I was with an A anyway and my own fear of abandonment issues went back as far as my memories go...

It is not easy to untangle. For me it was worth the effort. It gave my RAH time to work his own recovery.

Peace,