Brightlight2015

I feel like I am holding onto a giant boulder that has been slowly gaining momentum down a rocky mountain as my poor arms are wrapped around it and my body is being repeatedly beat against uneven ground...

I am married to an alcoholic. Almost 2 years married, 6 years together. We have a 1 year old little boy. He is my world. I wasn't one of those people that fell in love at birth...it took me a while to get used to the idea of being a mother to this squirming little creature. I don't admit that to many, but I am about to bare my soul, so I might as well start off on the right foot.

My husband has always been an alcoholic. Since before I met him, I can only imagine what that 11 year marriage looked like... He has 3 children with his ex wife.

When I met him, he was somewhat contained. Great shape, worked out all the time, fun loving social drinker type. I loved his spirit, his spontaneity, his character. I didn't quite see the Jekyll / Hyde personality that I have come to know so well.

He is a mean drunk. A nasty drunk. A get in your face in public and call you a **** drunk. I should have left him the first time it happened. Sadly, I can't tell you how many times it has happened since.

He went to rehab in August of this past year. He was staying at a hotel because he came home wasted again and while it doesn't seem that I have much of a backbone, he wasn't allowed to be around the baby like that. He clearly drank probably an entire bottle of whiskey (not unusual), and I later found out had some oxy (unusual), slipped dripping wet (and sloppy drunk) in the lobby and blacked out with a head injury.

Hospital bills, ambulance costs $$... I found out the next day. He knows better than to call me with a problem because of his drinking. He came home. Still drunk. Told him to find somewhere else to sober up. Local police call. Come get your husband. Sleeping on the side of the road, pulled over. No sir, officer. I have a 6 month old baby I just put down to sleep. Take him to jail. Cops bring him home, he thinks he's superman.

He goes to rehab. Sober 5 months. Slips. Falls. Jumps off the back of the wagon and runs in the opposite direction. Since then, brief glimpses of sobriety. Very brief. Old habits die hard.

Fast forward... Gets laid off Feb 2. 3 day drinking binge... Gets great job offer. Celebration at the bar!! Lands a DUI (not driving, sleeping in truck - still deserves DUI). Kick him out. He is staying (for the most part) at his father's. He comes here occasionally to help out, see the baby, see me. This morning, company rescinds awesome job offer because of DUI arrest (travel position, license is suspended). Gets drunk.

I am realizing as I type this none of this is about me. I am lost. I am at whit's end. My family lives across the country. Yes, I have a job. I have a business too. I also have a Master's degree, a wonderful family that would support me, and a beautiful amazing baby boy who deserves more out of a father than what he is getting. And more of a mother than what little energy I can muster up while fighting the overwhelming urge to run off to a little private island where I can just start over. Hard to uproot when everything I have worked for and built is here. Wish I had family around though.

Can anyone shed some light on what kind of breaking point does it really take before someone just says enough is enough? I feel like I should be there right now. Maybe it is my mule like personality. Maybe its the tiniest bit of hope I have that my wayward husband will just miraculously get his sh*t together. Like most alcoholics, he is actually a really good person... WHEN HE IS NOT DRINKING.

So, there's my story. Just need some support. I feel very isolated. Overwhelmed, stressed out, beat down, crazy, lost, determined, and weak all at the same time. Help me please.

Mango blast

Wecome, Brightlight. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you're here and posting. (((Hugs)))

You sound very aware and ready to find help for yourself. It's okay to take care of yourself. You are important, and so is your son. You're also not alone.

Have you attended Alanon yet? It's a great part of any self-care program. Some meetings have babysitting available.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

The hardest part is usually getting through the door. Then healing starts.

The stickies at the top of the forum contain a lot of good information, and also some very good book recommendations. Any books by AA/Alanon or Hazeldon are usually good ones, if you'd like some reading material.

Katchie

It sounds all so familiar. So sorry, but welcome, you're not alone.
I could hear myself in some of your post. My husband has lived in a hotel just a little over a month and is now in rehab. Will it stick? I have no idea, all I know is his attempts have all failed in the past.
Your feelings..you're isolated, overwhelmed, stressed out, beat down, crazy, lost, determined, and weak all at the same time...yep, and you have every right to feel that way. Now is your time to figure out how to not be stuck in those feelings. To take that determination you slipped in there and make something good, healthy and peaceful for you and your little sweetie.
The above post is excellent advice. Big hugs...you're going to be ok!

NWGRITS

Welcome! I'm sorry you've had need to find us, but I'm glad you're here. I'm an adult child of alcoholic and codependent parents. If there's one bit of advice I can offer you, it's to protect that innocent baby boy as much as you can. Being in an alcoholic home does affect children at very young ages. They are learning how to act as they grow- and they're going to internalize your and your husband's behaviors. Is this what you want your son to become? Is this the life you want for his future wife? It's pretty blunt and forward-thinking, but he is already experiencing things that are shaping his core values and how he sees the world.

Alcoholism is progressive. Left untreated, your AH is going to get worse. I'd already say he's pretty far gone given what just transpired with his jobs. This is as good as it gets, toots. You can hang on and take the financial hits for his messes, or you can work to separate yourself from him to limit the impact as much as possible. If everything you've worked for is gone because he can't keep his **** together, then you'll really need that family to help you out. So, work a recovery program and help yourself now, or climb out of the depths of hell later. You don't have to make any decisions today, this week, or even this month, but I'd start working on a contingency plan. Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery can really help with all of it.

Duckygirl1

Welcome dear one. Well, you've come to the right place. There is so much good advice and support here! Nwgrits is right. Please protect your little one and yourself above all mentally, physically, spiritually and financially. This will only get worse until he hits his bottom. (((Hugs)))

CodeJob

Hello Bright Light!

Glad you decided to post! There is a lot of wisdom here.

You sound pretty grounded and already have some boundaries. That is really good.

Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? You actually don't sound too Codie in your first post, but parts of the book might help you. It is not a big tome. Another thing to look into might be Karpman Drama Triangles. You and your AH might be playing out roles and switching roles as you deal with his addiction.

I'm sorry your family isn't near. Have you confided in any of them? Keeping his secrets does you no good. If you cannot bear to start by telling your family, please consider a counselor with lots of experience in addiction.

Welcome to SR!

LexieCat

Hi there, and welcome!

You've gotten some great feedback there. I'd second the suggestion of Al-Anon. It was an absolute lifeline of sanity when my second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it. I was finally able to gather the strength to leave, and I have never regretted it.

Hugs,

dandylion

Brightlight....First of all....WELCOME TO THE FORUM!

No wonder you are exhausted--it looks like you have been trying to fight a forest fire with just a bucket of water! Struggling with spiriling alcoholism, a business, and a young baby, to boot. No one can maintain that and keep their sanity at the same time.

When is enough, enough? Maybe you are getting very close to that point by taking the step of coming here to talk about it.

Generally, when someone says "I don't know what is holding me back"...the answer lies somewhere in the FOG. F--fear. O--obligation. G--guilt.

I hope you stick around, because there is so much to learn and a lot of strength to be gained by the real-life stories of the others who have gone before you and come out the other end.!

dandylion

rougelily

I am new to the forum myself so I don't know how much help I can offer. I can say this, you are not alone. All of us have dealt with the Jekyll and Hyde side of our A's and we know what you are going through. I am just starting AlAnon this week. I hope to get help there because I am at the edge of the cliff right now with everything. As others said, I think you should definitely start Al-Anon.

Just like your AH, my ABF is a very loving, kind, funny man. When he's sober. When he drinks, he turns on the anger machine and anyone who dares question his behavior, or remind him later of what he did is subject to endless amounts of angry rebuttals, yelling, threats, etc. I have recorded him before when he was drinking to show him sober how he really is and he still won't apologize. Its an endless cycle and we are stuck trying to hold everything together. This the worst kind of abuse I think. They aren't necessarily hitting us, but they are abusing our minds and our emotions and its exhausting.

Good luck and I hope you find peace.

lillamy

Welcome!
Yes, your story sounds familiar. I think I was in about your situation the first time I admitted that AXH's drinking was a problem for me -- with a small child and unable to let go of the hope of having a normal family.

I stayed for another 19 years or so. I stuffed away the realization that alcoholism was taking my husband away from me, put on a happy face, and pretended everything was OK.

Here's what I can tell you about my experiences: My ex was also a mean drunk. Initially, the mean was directed outwards. He would yell at other people and threaten other people. As time went on, he turned the anger towards me, and then towards the kids. That's where my breaking point was. When the kids started asking me why I didn't leave.

But the problem was -- over all those years, I had compromised more and more with what I had initially found acceptable. I had fallen into this wormhole where I accepted getting yelled at until I cried, I accepted abuse, I accepted things that were unacceptable. And that just made it harder to leave.

Not until someone else accidentally overheard AXH yelling at me and the kids and told me "what you're living with is abuse, and I just want you to know you do not have to accept it" did I have the strength to admit the truth. Until then, I kept second-guessing my own reactions and downplaying the problems. Sure, he had gotten drunk and yelled at me for an hour -- but he had had a difficult day at work, and he wasn't good with emotions. Etc.

I guess what I'm saying is -- leaving is always going to suck. It's never going to be an easy decision. But I think the longer you stay, the more you get used to putting up with unacceptable behavior. And the further away you get from a sense of what's normal and acceptable.

I spent four years going to Al-Anon meetings, reading this board, and working the Al-Anon steps before I gained enough strength and courage to leave. Nobody can tell you when you've had enough -- you just have to decide for yourself when you get to that point.

And let me just add, since you have a child, that one of the things that made it hard for me to leave was that I wasn't sure I had the "right" to take my children away from their father. Let me reassure you that you have every right to protect your child from the hell it is to grow up with an alcoholic parent. As someone here used to say -- it's better to have NO father than an alcoholic father.

Florence

^^ That right there.

Also, Jekyll and Hyde? They are the same guy.

My story is not identical, but the feelings are similar. First things first, get really educated on the disease. Hang out here, go to Al-Anon, read and watch everything you can get your hands on.

See a lawyer for a free consultation. Find out what a divorce will look like for you and your assets in your marriage, and what you need to do in order to take those steps. You don't actually have to take those steps now or ever, but KNOWING will mean you can make decisions with complete legal information for you.

Document all this stuff. Don't worry about "proof," just develop a written timeline of his drinking, relapses, legal incidents, domestic incidents, etc. Keep this up to date.

I wouldn't tell him anythink you're doing. If you feel guilty or wrong doing this stuff, remind yourself that for all your choices, your child does not have that choice, and your child depends on capable, dependable and sober adults to care for him. This is what I had to tell myself.

The things that were the line in the sand for me were finding my XAH trying to bathe my infant daughter in the tub while he was loaded one early evening. He could have burned her, he could have drowned her. He drove drunk, he cooked drunk, he was in and out of the house smoking cigarettes all the time, passing out during daylight hours. It was 100% unacceptable for a parent to be doing these things. I had to put MY feelings aside and look at the facts. He was a disaster and my child required more than he could offer to thrive.

We were separated for many months before I pulled the trigger on divorce. I just couldn't do it. The final incident that caused me to cut him off completely, was that he'd lost another job due to drunkenness, enrolled in yet another rehab so his parents would think he was properly penitent and continue paying his way, came to my house and stole from me before he left town to go, then took a two day drunk layover out of state before checking in (which his folks paid for, willingly), then snuck a cell phone into rehab and lied about it (his parents thought this was clever and zany). That week, I filed for divorce. It was too ******* crazy, and I was sick of living with crazy.

Brightlight2015

Thanks everyone for the responses. It helps just to get it out. I have attended Al-anon in the past. Not a bad experience for me, but i think i was just really ashamed to be there. I was pretty pregnant when i went a few times. I thought everyone was looking at me wondering why the heck i was even considering being with an alcoholic with a little baby on the way. I will look into some groups that offer babysitting. I do see a counselor here and there as well. Not consistently as i would like, he is pretty pricey. I have read co-dependent no more which may be why i dont sound as co-dependent as i feel sometimes. I try not to be. I am just sad and angry mostly nowadays. And i hate the hope that comes from the brief sobriety and the crushing disappointment that comes from the glaring Drunkeness. My therapist has helped me see the verbal abuse is really abuse and he has also encouraged developing a support group. Everything is harder with a child. And i dont have the type of job where i work with a bumch of people where i can meet some friends. I do feel the FOG. I would like to think some of it is love as well. I do love him. And a lot of guilt i feel is because of how i act as well. Not saying that he should drink, but sometimes i feel like a monster rises up out of me and i just lose it on him. I did today. For nonreason really. He left. He's probably out drunk somewhere. And i am on the thread. Feel bad i lost it. I just got scared cuz i thought he snuck out to drink. And in hindsight, i was just having a bad day and i took it out on him. Had this been a normal relationship, i could have calmed down, apologized, and life would go on maybe with some great make up sex. However, this is not a normal relationship, so he left by bike at 4, its 9. The more time that went by the more i realized the 2 day old sobriety has passed again.

amy55

Hi Bright,

You may be just posted, or journaling, just know that you are being heard.

There are many people here going through what you are going through, or who have been there done that. I know it's hard sometimes to talk to people you know while you go through these things. I guess that's why we seek out forums. Wanted to say that we are here for you. We really do care, and you are now part of our family.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy