Jane11

Dandylion, ha yes sometimes I do think at least with a shelter I would surely experience less drama.

I just feel so stuck with the situation. I do work for her and therefore I feel as if I cannot get another full time job (even though I am not sure my mental state is ready for that anyhow), so I can't raise funds to make a decision to maybe move out. The money I get from what I do for her isn't huge as I only do around 2 days a week (I wanted to use some of the extra time to start something for myself). I feel as if I can't stop doing the work for her as the guilt trip would be bigger than I can even imagine and I would feel bad as her boss has been very good to me.

I am happy to do the work but what I am not happy with is her telling me exactly what I should do and when, the fact that she seems to think I should be doing the work everyday (even though I agreed and only charge for just over 2 days a week), and when she has one of her 'moods' on like today she will basically sit and say comments like "well X needs to be done ASAP" but be looking at her phone so as not to make a direct conversation with me and before she has said comments like "well as long as you achieve X then that's ok isn't it" which yes is right I need to do the work I am paid for but the way she says it is a tone that it's almost a threat like she better not be paying me for nothing.

The problem is it is creative work and as neither herself or her boss can do it hence asking me, she seems to think it all takes 5 minutes and insinuates in our conversations that I don't actually do much. I welcome it when she is out at work because to have her here is unbearable, I feel that just because she gets up at 6am I have to (I like to sleep later and work later), I feel as if I have to constantly be doing what she wants me to do, feel bad if I am doing any personal work for myself, I just feel constantly on edge and I don't know if she is even aware that she makes me feel this way.

I try to keep myself to myself, I clean, I cook for us both pretty much every night, I am considerate of her and her place, yes I'm probably not a huge barrel of fun but I'm also made to feel guilty that I should be going out and doing stuff with her but fact is she lived alone for years in this city and didn't make any friends or do much so why should I feel bad about that?

I'm aware she is probably sick of me, but I can't help that I'm not the life and soul of the party right now and I am sorry if that offends her or annoys her, but me being here does not affect her being able to live her life and go and do things the fact is she never did before yet now I'm here I am made to feel guilty by her and my family that I should be doing things with her. Yes I clearly should spend time with her, like going to the cinema but why is it made to be my responsibility that she has a life?

She's a high up position of a company and realistically we don't have that much in common, she is very money driven, materialistic, flash, she likes to tell everyone how hard her job is (hardest job ever), everything with her seems to be made into a competition (if you say you are tired she will be ten times worse as she had to get up at 5am don't you know, drive here and there, has so much on at work etc etc etc). She's always like to play the hard done by martyr like she works so hard and is always so stressed but the rewards she reaps are huge.

She is massively success driven, which isn't a bad thing but I do think she looks down on others and is a snob in the things she says, which I find hard to deal with. She doesn't like compromise at all and I almost feel that in a way she likes (maybe like is not quite the word I am looking for) to see other people who have hit a bit of a hard time as it makes her feel more successful, however on the toss side she doesn't like them to have too much attention from the family and many times when she has felt other people get more attention she will confide in me that she's going to make some life changing decision- leave her job (it's too stressful she's had enough), move somewhere (she wants to live a simpler life money isn't everything- yea right she would be lost without the lifestyle she is accustomed to) etc yet this NEVER to this day has happened so it just seems like a ploy to get the attention away.

Anyway sorry again I just ramble, I guess it's therapeutic to just think it all and type it all down. I can see another bust up coming and I pray that she doesn't have one too many to drink tonight and start verbally abusing me again because she feels 'wronged' that I didn't want to go for the meal. She does have a commitment tomorrow morning though so I should be ok.

We just have very little in common I think sometimes and I feel stuck as I don't feel comfortable here yet I should be grateful, and I am, but it's like she and everyone else thinks I'm this selfish ass who needs to be so so so so grateful to her. There's gratitude and then there is just one sided thinking on their part.

I feel lonely here as I don't know anyone, if I ever do go out with her she's very standoffish so the chances of getting into conversation with others is limited even if I wanted to, she talks about work ALOT or will sit and not talk so I would rather not go out just me and her (but again huge guilt trip if I don't). I have one really good friend I can speak to who related better, but aside from that nobody really and I don't want to put too much on her she has her own stuff going on.

And in amongst all that axbf is messaging me, he loves me, he's going to get better etc etc.

I do feel depressed, I do need some help, but I'm overwhelmed, anxious constantly, and the living situation is at times unbearable- she's still not said a single word to me and as horrible as it sounds I just can't wait for her to go out later so if I want to be sad and cry I can, if I want to just sit, I can, and maybe I can calm the anxiety.

Long and boring post, roamed right off topic too I think, I guess I just needed to get some of it out. My head is a mess.

Jane11

Hi jjj111, thanks for you reply and yes actually it's something I haven't mentioned but is probably buried in my mind- I don't want to be out around others drinking, I don't want to drink that much myself again and feel the anxiety and embarrassment, my relative enjoyed telling a family member earlier on the phone about what a mess I was that night, and honesty I just hated hearing it.

I think I have been rethinking my boundaries around drinking for a long time, since I met axbf but it's such a huge part of society and I guess it's hard to get away from and also you are a 'killjoy' if you don't drink to some people.

I enjoy a casual drink but I do feel that I can get carried away at times, and this scares me, and I guess that part of me not wanting to go tonight and also part of me not wanting to go out socialising in general is that it revolves around drinking.

I would really like to start al anon even though it scares me but there are none that are closely accessible to me so I have been thinking of online al anon, but I know the real benefit is in the people interaction and this could help me meet some people and that's maybe what I need right now, new people and people who understand where I'm coming from.

Thanks for the encouragement on the yoga, tonight I am going to force myself to do 20 mins again and hope I can make this regular.

jjj111

Are there alcoholics anonymous meetings in your area (not Al-anon, but AA)? If drinking is doing nothing for you and you're ready to let it go, that would be one way to meet friends who value sobriety. I got sober about a year ago, and besides making my own life more sane (I too have avoided social gatherings in the past for fear that I would get drunk and embarrass myself), it has also helped to distance me from men who see drinking as one of their main pastimes. I know what you mean, the pressure to drink and to accept others' drinking is everywhere. It's really valuable to have sober friends if you want to live your life differently.

dandylion

Jane...I completely agree with you that some face-to-face interactions with some people who are not entangled in this mess would help you enormously.

On the very practical side...since you are able to do housework...perhaps, you could do housecleaning for others..on the 2 days that you aren't working for her and her boss.
Put every bit of that cash in a sock...to rent a room in a house......away from this part of your stress. Also, the structure and physical exercise of this would help to alleviate some of your depression. UP, UP, and,.....awaaaay.....

dandylion

Jane11

Dandy, I like that idea I think later when I can be calmer after she has left I will maybe look at some local ads and see if there is anything like that I could do, maybe just something to get me out of the house, some extra cash like you say.

I really appreciate your encouragement, so thank you.

Just as a side note are there any other groups others than al anon or coda that are recommended? I have looked at both and can't see any meetings close by that I could easily get to, and I definitely do not want to have to rely on my relative for a lift at this point I'm time, but like you say I think I need some kind of something.

jjj111

Jane, just to clarify in case you aren't aware: AA or Alcoholics Anonymous is for people who want to quit drinking, and Al-Anon is for people struggling to cope with other people's drinking. There are often more AA meetings in a given area than there are Al-anon meetings. It's your call, of course, whether you think you would benefit from AA. Just seemed to me that there might be a better chance of finding an AA meeting in your area, and that it would be a chance to make sober friends and have some face to face interaction with supportive people.

Jane11

Thanks jjj111, in the midst and aftermath of all this I have thought about quitting drinking altogether to be quite honest. Whilst with my axbf I said I had no problem to fully commit to it if that was his lifestyle choice also as I didn't feel that I 'needed' to have alcohol as part of my life, but sadly that wasn't his lifestyle choice.

I have still thought maybe I would just quit but I have actually faced backlash from my family saying why should I, I like a drink (I did used to be quite a party animal but those days are behind me) and they saw it as him controlling me and I guess would now see it as me making a choice because of my experience with him. I now only drink rarely, maybe a glass of wine with a meal in the evening once a week if that, it's just the occasions when I do go out and it 'flows freely' or is encouraged (like previously) that I then seemed to have a problem with controlling myself. And you made a really good point for me to think about that maybe my reluctance over this evening is that I don't want to be around that.

I'm not sure that I necessarily have a 'problem' with alcohol, whereas I do 100% have a problem with the effects my axbf drinking has had on my life. I have read there are open AA meetings, maybe I could see if any of these are available closer by, and if they could be of any use and help me make a decision? I know that I would definitely like to start trying to work 12 steps or something similar to get some peace back into my mind, and yes I feel right now the actual 'people' aspect of it would be so helpful.

Thank you so much for your reply and for the information, it really helps me to read what other peoples thoughts are and helps me to try and start considering what are potential ways forward out of this huge mess. I know it's frustrating and people probably think I don't listen and take information in but I do, I really do, it's just the case of having the knowledge and doing something with the knowledge I think. I downloaded codependent no more 2 nights ago and need to make a start on reading this- I read it suggested many times here and I hope it will be helpful.

I guess a part of what I am struggling with is that I have become so emotionally 'aware' through my whole experience with axbf, and many emotions I guess I didn't even know I had are bubbling up, I am also trying to become more mindful and have always been interested in mindfulness and spirituality but since all of this I'm becoming hugely aware of how mine and others emotions, reactions, words, actions are often more poignant than I thought.

I don't know if that makes any sense but I guess what I am trying to say is I am wanting to become more mindful, peaceful and aware, and in the process of this I'm seeing that others don't necessarily live or behave like that- even those closest to me, and I hadn't noticed this before and it's kind of tough now that I am.

Relative still hasn't said a single word to me. Ugh. I know it sounds awful to wish her away from her own home but I am just hauled up in my bedroom and have things I would like to do but feel more comfortable in here while she is around.

LemonGirl

There were so many things I wanted to say while reading through your post and the comments...

But I got stuck on your last one about your roommate/relative and it struck a chord with me.

I lived with a close friend for about 3 years. She is still one of my best friends, though, like many other people in my life, she seems to have little regard for my wants and needs and always assumed I'd go along with her plans.... Because really, for a long time I did. Until, I didn't. Eventually, I learned to start expressing myself and saying no when I needed. This one night, for Halloween, she had asked if I would come to a party. I told her I already had plans with the guy I was dating. I asked if he could come and she said No.... So the day comes, and I was in her neighborhood (she lives far from me but I visit often as this is where the guy I was dating lived also), and I asked if I could get ready at her place. She somehow assumed I had agreed to go with her and that I was ditching my date. And when I later tried to explain what happened she just got mad at me and planted a guilt trip, even though I NEVER said I was going and even told her no.

Some years later, my relationship with her is actually netter because I continued to change and learned to start saying no to her. She really thought she was doing me a favor because she didn't like the guy I was dating. And your relative reminds me of that. She somehow thinks you aren't allowed to make your own choices. But my friend, her seemingly well intentioned invite is your choice and you have every right to say no and not go.

zoso77

Let's take the fact that he's an alcoholic out of the picture for a brief moment.

Do you know how hard it is to let go of someone that means that much to us? It is one of the scariest, hardest things to do. There's a finality to it. I think it has to do with we're afraid to grieve and afraid to feel loss.

In a span of 3 years, my mom fell prey to dementia, my mentor died, someone else very important to me died, and I lost the woman I thought I was going to marry (not my AXGF). The combined grief was simply too much for me. To lose people to death is one thing. But to lose someone we love in a romantic, intimate way forever is another thing all together. What I've learned, Jane, is in this life, there is no ducking grief or pain. It will visit all of us at one point or another.

But here's the thing. If you don't let go, you will permanently stuck. You'll be mired in emotional and cognitive turmoil. If you do let go, you'll have to face the pain of separating yourself from someone forever, and that kind of loss can take a long time to heal. I kid you not when I tell you that in some ways, I haven't healed from my losses.

But what I have done, and what you can do, is adapt to a new way of living. Everyone we've loved, everyone we've lost, we carry as long as we're alive. And you'll carry him as long as you're alive. You can adapt to a life without him, a life where you are no longer shackled to a situation that is soul destroying.

Jane11

Lemongirl, thank you for sharing your experience, it is so comforting to know that others understand and also have shared similar experiences.

As I expected I got a message from a family member last night telling me I should have gone out, I need to just 'move on' now, and I explained that I would appreciate it if people respected my choice as an adult to not go somewhere if I don't want to, and also if people could stop telling me what they think I need. Advice here is different as I know it comes from a place of people having experienced the same or very similar to me and are aware of the emotional turmoil this puts you in, but advice from my family I do find hard to swallow as I feel as if they have always told me what's best for me, rather than listened to how I actually feel and my wants and needs.

Relative got in around 1am this morning, she is taking another relative to an appointment today which I was going to attend also so I messaged her last night to ask what time she would be leaving, I didn't get a reply until the early hours of the morning despite I saw she had read the message, which kind of vexed me. Then this morning I got up, she's still giving me the silent treatment, I spoke to a close friend about whether to attend the appointment as this would mean several hours in the car with my relative probably more silent treatment, and my friend said be the bigger person and go, so as I decide yes that's what I will do I hear my relative say "I'm going, bye"- an hour earlier than she had told me she was leaving, and she left.

I know I'm probably just overthinking it all but it seems like another classic example of now she can be the martyr in a situation and I can be played as the bad person who just couldn't be bothered to help out and attend the appointment, and it makes me really angry! I'm quite sure she will have her version of events to tell the relative she sees and basically it comes down to one thing- I didn't want to attend a meal so therefore I now get this level of drama back, although she could be bothered to speak to me last night to ask my opinion on what shoes to wear and could she borrow a necklace- it just baffles me.

I know she won't see anything wrong in her behaviour and I will be played to be the one who is awkward and making things difficult because I have been going through a rough time, and maybe I should let that bother me less but I can't, it's all making me really anxious and I'm getting physical pain symptoms from how anxious I am. I can't even talk it through with my family because they just think it's me in the wrong. Ugh.

Zoso thank you so much for sharing some of your painful experiences and I am truly sorry for those. What you say really resonates with me as I constantly think I won't ever get over him and heal, I will always remember things, things will always remind me of him, I will always compare (his better bits) to anyone I meet, and I can't imagine a life like that- it makes me want to try and make it work with him all over again- is that just madness?

He has been in contact with me, and yes he's saying all the right things, he's so sorry, he's getting therapy, he's on meds etc etc but for now it's just words and I've told him that. I don't even know where we would begin to repair the relationship and this would have a big impact on my family life also, which has enough drama right now. I can't tell my family I've been speaking to him as I was told cut off contact or leave after he turned up here which is fair enough, he has impacted their lives too and I will always feel guilty for that.

Do I just cut contact forever and have the full grieving process of knowing he will never be part of my life again and wonder if he sorted himself out and we could have been happy, or do I stay in contact and see what happens but know I could be setting myself up for more hurt- it seems like a lose lose situation, when you love someone how do you just finally let go and be at peace that you will never ever share anything more with that person, but know you might think of them forever.

I guess I just don't know where I stand or what I'm doing and you guys are the only ones I can talk to. Difficult living situation, family dramas, now him talking of a reconciliation. I'm just trying to get out of bed in the morning and not be so overwhelmed with anxiety or emotions.

Treerat66

Hi Jane.
Looks to me like you jumped out of the fire. Unfortunately you landed in the pan. Now you have to walk along the handle and jump down to the hearth.

Jane11

Treerat66, I like your analogy ha.

I wish I could figure out how to communicate with my family and not 'shut them out' (as they tell me I do), without the drama that continues to ensue and the feelings I get from that, and also how to reach a point with axbf where I can detach and see if he works on himself and the issues without getting burnt in the process, and how we go forward from there. None of this is ever simple is it, but I am so grateful for all the people here.

Treerat66

Can you follow Dandylion's advice and get a job to give yourself extra independent income it would give you options ...

zoso77

Yes, you will remember all those things about him. That's natural. But you will also remember his not-so-good "bits", too. The bits that led you here. The bits that led you, in your own words, down the rabbit hole. He has both bits, good and bad.

In my situation, Jane, regarding the girl I thought I would marry, I remember her better bits, too. But there are things about her character and her makeup that make it impossible for me to have anything to do with her. She is mercurial, very self-centered, and is not really capable of empathy. Did it hurt when it ended with her? Yes. But I'm clear of it now and I look at her with different, dispassionate eyes. I dodged a bullet.

More often than not when it comes to our qualifiers, especially with those we're romantically involved with, we arrive at a fork in the road. The trouble is each road in that fork sucks. Staying kills us. Leaving kills us in another way. But if we decide to leave, we have a real good chance of regaining our sanity and our lives back. The price we pay for that is high. But in my view, that price is preferable to the price we pay when we stay.

It's gut check time, Jane. You need to allow yourself to know what you know, and when you do that, you can make the best decisions for you....mindful, of course, that what's best for you may not be what you want.