TryingToLearn

I read on another thread yesterday about alcoholics and grandiose thinking. My AH is into buying expensive toys for himself without any consideration as to whether or not they are affordable for us or the fact our budget can't sustain this kind of spending. As soon as he gets one, he finds a reason they are not exactly what he wants and starts the process to buy another one. This is a never ending cycle and part of the reason I'm continuing with my plans to leave and find financial peace.

No, I can't say anything. I live in a relationship where if I open my mouth everything gets so much worse so I've learned to stay silent. Unless you've lived that way I don't think you can understand not even being able to voice an opinion. If I say the sky is blue it opens the door to me being ridiculed.

Anyway, just wondering if that's the meaning of grandiose thinking - that anything is possible to buy just because you want it and then to actually take steps to complete the purchase.

LexieCat

That sounds a little more to me like just plain instant gratification. Also very, very common in alcoholics. It's part of why we drink--we want what we want and we want it NOW.

rougelily

My boyfriend does that. He has bought clothes, shoes, handguns, an AR15, body armor, swords, etc. This drives me insane because we are on a TIGHT budget (my checks cover the household bills and little more) and I go without new things to pay the bills. Instead of saving the extra money he blows it on stuff. Every trip to the store he comes home with new stuff. Its so frustrating.

Yurt

When I lived with my XAH, I was going to school and we were living partially on my student loans. So, several cars later, as well as about 5K that went into fixing up our house, I am the one responsible for those loans. And him? He is complaining that I left him with the mortgage to pay on his own. Now, he has to actually budget. Whaaa.

FeelingGreat

TTL, you have my sympathy. I totally agree that you shouldn't tolerate having your financial future jeopardised by someone else's extravagance. I hope he's not booking things up on a credit card you're jointly responsible for.

It sounds like he's comforting himself, like the drinking, instead working on his deep issues.

Thumper

Absolutely agree. Instant gratification, selfishness, and in my ex's case I think he has un-diagnosed severe ADHD which doesn't help. I mostly think that because three of his four children have severe ADHD and the apple doesn't always fall far from the tree.

At any rate - I did talk. We talked and talked and budgeted and budgeted - all so reasonble - and it didn't make a darn bit of difference so don't feel to bad about your silence. I learned that I had no control over his spending - same as I had no control over anything he did. I'm very sorry you are living in a relationship where you can't talk - that is another kettle of fish.

I also understand just how hard it is to live like that. In my experience it becomes worse over time - or maybe life gets bigger so it seems worse. I think it was both in my case. It was equal with the alcoholism as being the major undoing in my relationship and the financial insecurity and the complete lack of control I had over my own situation as a result of being married and living with that kind of thing made me crazier than anything. The more spending he did, the more controlling I got, the sneakier he got, the more crazy my controlling got (all while living this insane fantasy where we'd talk and agree on things like normal people and I'd listen like it would actually come true) and on and on it cycled and there was no winning.

I'm a single mother of four children that didn't get child support for years. My income has not changed and is not considered big by any standards and I'm more financially stable than I've ever been. The only help I get from family is if they take us on vacation - they pay the majority of expenses so we can go. That says a lot - mostly that it wasn't me - it was him. My own life is immeasurable more stable an peaceful. If there was any one thing that would keep me from getting married again - it would be attaching myself financially to another person.

jjj111

TTL, I see in your past posts that you have been feeling stuck for a long time, wanting to leave but afraid of and for him. I hope you will find a way to a more peaceful life. His rages and his expectation that you pay for his extravagant purchases--it all sounds very abusive. Hugs!

biminiblue

^^This!!

TryingToLearn

Thank you one and all. Yes, JJJ111, I've been stuck for quite a while watching things deteriorate even more. My problem definitely when I know I should just leave. It sounds so easy and actually it should be easy but for some reason, I haven't been able to take that final leap. I would definitely categorize this as an abusive relationship but nothing physical has ever happened - just verbal and emotional but that's equally as destructive and wearing I've come to believe.

Thank you one and all. So many interesting ideas to think about.

jjj111

I would encourage you to think of this as not "just verbal and emotional" abuse, but as *severe* verbal, emotional, and financial abuse. Words can hurt just as much as fists, and livinng in constant fear is a terrible thing. The post you made while hiding in the bathroom after he spent an evening raging at you made me so sad for you. My AXBF raged at me, and I know how devastating it can be to one's sense of self and how hard it is to see one's way out of such a relationship. His sense of entitlement sounds over the top! Have you ever added up how much money you have spent paying for his purchases? Maybe it would help to talk to a DV counselor and make an escape plan, since you have mentioned in the past that you are afraid of what he would do if you left.

rougelily

Yes! You are so right. I went through a divorce and I was very lucky that I was smart enough to keep an account of my own open when we married. I put my part of the tax return in there and my stock dividends. Otherwise he would have cleared them out. I walked away in fairly good shape but only because I knew from past mistakes that people get REALLY dirty when splitting up.

rougelily

I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you. You are dealing with what sounds like a complete narcissist on top of being an alcoholic. I hope you find peace. *hugs*

TryingToLearn

jjj111 - one of the reasons I stay silent as it's not worth the fallout which will continue on and on. I do think I'm stronger now and getting stronger or at least waking up to the fact that the world I live in is not as it should be.

Thank you everyone. I'm so glad for your support. Reading everyone's posts on the board even though I don't always leave a comment has helped me so much. And your answers on my posts really help. Thank you again.

totfit

I don't know whether this has anything at all to do with alcoholism. Others behave the same inappropriate ways that have never had issue with alcohol. This is a form of instant gratification for sure and SELFish. Without the alcohol this is a major issue. Can be just as bad for a relationship/family. Though of course marriage ties you in financially anyway, but I would try and keep my name off anything he is involved in financially as much as possible. Wish you the best.

ladyscribbler

This was my thought as well. This seems more like an overblown sense of entitlement than grandiosity as was discussed in the other thread. Actually it reminds me of my ex husband who rarely drank. He was a compulsive spender/shopper and abusive and controlling in many ways. I suspect now that he suffered from undiagnosed ADHD.
Honestly the "why" matters much less than the fact that the behavior is unacceptable and harmful to you.

Pebbles2012

My AW has the same spending habits. Sometimes she purchases but sometimes not. She has grandiose ideas for her life, building a barn on our property to house horses, build a pole building on the property, constantly buying stuff online, always want want want. For a while I thought I was just being cheap and wanted to hold onto my money. Then I realized that it's just a temporary "fix" for her. She wanted a dog so we got a dog, has she ever taken the dog for a walk without me, nope. Before I left she wanted kids. So glad I didn't fall into that trap.

TryingToLearn

I've learned a lot today and I thank you.

thequest

This what I've mostly observed-an overblown sense of entitlement.

I've also seen what could be some ADDs because the alkie/addict has no patience. That could be impulse control issues, lack of patience or discipline as well. But you are correct-in the end they shouldn't treat people like poop or abuse relationships. Or throw a fit because they had to pay attention to some detail.

cookiesncream

I agree with others that frequently personality disorders of different kinds also present themselves frequently in conjunction with addiction. The grandiose thinking and wild spending don't sound like alcoholism to me but rather some serious personality issues. I saw that stuff with my Dad who was bi-polar and it was a NIGHTMARE. I hope you have the strength to make the best choices you can.