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Hurt myself this time!

Old 02-24-2015, 04:27 AM
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Hurt myself this time!

Its been a while since I posted. It was back in January when I professed my commitment to go no contact with my exabf. I am so ashamed to say, I DIDNT!!!!

For the last 6 months I have allowed myself to engage in a dysfunctional, hurtful, and self depricating plutonic relationship with my exabf. The reality is the relationship was no different....it was filled with lies, manipulation, disappointments, infidelity, and unkindness!!! And I allowed myself to get sucked back in!!!

Last week, I got confirmation from his sis n law of his infidelity from day one of our relationship. This person had no idea we were still in contact, and had no idea that my exabf just days before assured me he never lied or cheated!

All those emotions of devastation, humiliation and anger came flooding back on me! How could my exabf hurt me so bad??? and more importantly, how did I let him do it?

He has shown his true character!!! It is so ugly! And I am so the opposite of ugly!! Both his body and soul are poisoned!!!

I saw him one last time since running into his sis n law. I picked my belongings up and said nothing about what she revealed to me. Just a casual goodbye! like always and then I BLOCKED HIM!

I feel like I am at my lowest.....cant eat...cant sleep, sobbing over the hurt!!!!

Oh please, now more than ever...I need help!!!
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Old 02-24-2015, 04:55 AM
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I am sorry you are hurting. I myself have done the same thing and beat myself up so badly that I thought I would never recover.

You did good - you got out and you have blocked him again. IMO you sound stronger than you think. It takes courage to admit when we are wrong.

Keep reaching out. Perhaps a private journal to write down what you might not want to share here. And I always recommend a solid support group. Friends (your friends not his) and family as well as Alanon or some other support group.

Take good care of YOURSELF.

Tight hugs!
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Old 02-24-2015, 04:57 AM
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Hi slothy,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so bad. I too committed to going no contact but have since had loose contact and feel as if I am falling down the rabbit hole again and have been meaning to post about it also. It's hard, so hard but please be easy on yourself. You made a mistake to stay in contact but you realised that, you've seen him for what he is now, you've blocked him, you deserve better!

As for the how could he do this to you- he's an alcoholic, his mind is a mess? He's just not a decent person? But you are- and it's time to focus on you.

I know the feelings all too well of not being able to sleep, eat, do anything- just crying and crying in shock and disbelief at the whole damn mess. That's ok, if you need to cry- cry, if you can't eat much just please try and eat a little something- maybe one of your favourite foods? You have to stay strong physically to recover mentally too and I know that's easier said than done right now, but please try.

Do you have friends or family you could reach out to for some support right now? Have you tried al anon before or maybe you could? Even a therapist? It hurts like hell, give yourself time to grieve, it's natural, but please remember that you deserved better than a person who would treat you like that, now you can start to treat yourself with the love you deserve, surround yourself with people who treat you kindly, start to get your life back and try to find happiness again. It's a really difficult journey, no point in saying otherwise- but you can do it!

Please keep posting, sending you hugs x
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Old 02-24-2015, 05:05 AM
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I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You're getting good suggestions here. I hope you will follow them.

Hugs,
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Old 02-24-2015, 05:19 AM
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Slothy....you are in the grieving mode...the very sharp, early phase.
Remember what I say so often? Short-term pain for long-term gain. This pain that you are feeling is normal and expected for your situation. The thing is...there is no way around it....only through it. How do I know?....I have been there.

What helps?
1.Stay as structured as possible...make a schedule for each day and push yourself to do the necessary things..and reward yourself for each baby step.

2. Get your emotions out--not matter how unsavory they are. Go to the wailing wall and cry/scream it out. Write your feelings down on paper...and then butn them if you want to. Talk to people who can understand wh at you are going through.

3. Make a list of the worst things about the relationship and how awful they felt to you.
Carry it with you at all times. Read it over and over when you feel the urge to contact (especially).***this seems to help people the most!

4. Try to eat and sleep on schedule. Even if it is only tea and toast.

5. Exercise....walking is good. Walk until you feel physically tired. This helps get out the negative energy and helps you sleep better.

6. GET SUPPORT. A support group like Celebrate Recovery or alanon, for instance.
get a personal therapist or counselor to help you through this. It is no accident that those m embers who get through this kind of pain and go on to thrive... will almost, invariably, report that they could not have done it without this kind of help.

You will survive this, and this pain will not go on forever like this.
Read the stories of all the others who have been where you are and broke free--draw your strength from their stories that were put here for you....

dandylion
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Old 02-24-2015, 05:32 AM
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S- I m sorry!!

I believe that u had to hit this low to make you change. Just like an addict.

I think you realize now what you need to do, there is a breaking point!!!

God doesn't make mistakes, there is a reason for the madness. Now just listen.

Hugs my friend, this to shall pass.....learn from it!!!
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:01 AM
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Thank you all! Yes, it is a very painful time!!!! Every second of my day seems unbearable but I know and hear you it will get better!

I do realize this needed to happen. My own fears of loneliness, my poor self esteem, and my need to feel like a partner in a relationship have gotten me to this awful place. I do have a therapist, and I know this will be the focus of my sessions!

I will take your advice dandelion! I will do whatever it takes to put one step in front of another to survive this and more importantly never let myself get to this point again! I will also be attending alanon. I will read and read more.....This forum is a part of my support group!!

I am praying for understanding and forgiveness! It's so difficult to process his behavior and the hurt he caused !

Thank you all!
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:32 AM
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I ditto all that was written above. I just want you to know I'll be praying for you. You do sound stronger than you may realize. It takes a lot of courage to do what you have, something I myself have not been able to do in the past -- let him go. I know that you are going to be ok because i can see that courage in you.

Hugs...it will get better!
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:54 AM
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Hi!!! You're extremely strong and I'm so sorry you're going thru all this pain. You do NOT deserve it at all. Try to stay as busy as humanly possible- go out with friends, clean the house, try something new.

You can now move on to bigger and brighter days!!
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Old 02-24-2015, 08:34 AM
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I'm really stuck on the hurt from his unkindness. The last time I saw him, I asked for a simple favor. He didn't help! If his alcoholic friend would have asked for the same favor, it would have been answered immediately! Of course I wonder if he ever even cared?
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Old 02-24-2015, 08:47 AM
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Suppose he had been "kind." Would it have changed the fact that he apparently has been seeing someone behind your back? Would it have changed the fact that he lied and manipulated you?

Of course not--but it would have kept you hooked in because, after all, he's a "kind" person.

Be grateful he was unkind. You don't need this lying, manipulative, UNKIND person in your life.
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Old 02-24-2015, 08:54 AM
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You are absolutely right Lexie..... Much of me being pulled back and sucked in was seeing little morsels of goodness, kindness, etc!!!! It made me forget the other stuff.... The lying, cheating etc!

Right now at this time, I need strategies to help me not continually mull over and over all the hurts, lies, unkind acts. I'm stuck here!
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Old 02-24-2015, 09:16 AM
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Slothy....I think that what a lot of people don't realize...that "mulling over" the lost relationship is actually a part of the process of grieving. Regardless if the relationship was good or bad or if the loss was from death or otherwise---one mentally goes over the relationship and all of it's parts--before they can, finally, after a while, put it away as a part of the past. Those who have lost loved ones, through death, do this ruminating, too.
The one things that helps these people are that there is no more contact to keep refreshing the loss. It is allowed to take it's natural course..albeit, by default.
This "mulling" is intermingled with all the other emotions of grieving...like anger, sadness, bargaining, etc.

This process is not completed in 3weeks or a month. More like several months...until the pain begins to significantly decrease. It takes as long as it takes, actually.
Contact, of course, will cause backsliding. each time. Like re-injuring a broken bone by using it before it is healed.

It takes time. And, time takes time.
It helps to realize that the pain of grieving is actually the first step toward h ealing. It does heal...given enough time....

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Old 02-24-2015, 10:02 AM
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Thanks Dandylion....it's hard to think that one has to relive all the bad in order to get to a better place! But if I must.... I will! Wish it would all go away now , but I am ready to keep going through this misery! I want to try to depersonalize all the hurt he caused me by blaming it on his disease. It seems easier to deal with the acute pain that way..... But I'm not sure if this is healthy?
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Old 02-24-2015, 11:49 AM
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Hello,

I'm sorry you are going through this and I know how it feels. It is hard to stop contact with someone you love, even when you know that person isn't good for you. I broke up with my boyfriend several months ago, but have struggled to stay no contact as well. I tried to be friends with him; but it isn't working. Just like you said, even as friends, they lie, cheat, and let you down (not my definition of a friend). One day he loves me the next day I'm a selfish b** **. It's really just confusing and it breaks my heart to talk to him and accept that he gave up the relationship for alcohol and partying. I also feel like we are validating them when we continue to interact with them and it's time to just worry about yourself (he's not worried about you).

I'm still kind of stuck in the same place you are, so I don't know how much I can help you....My only advice is to really stay away. Give yourself time to heal and when you start thinking about him and missing him, just remind yourself that he is a liar, cheater, and isn't there for you and that is not what you want in a relationship. I have even been telling myself that I deserve better and when I catch myself thinking about him, I literally have to talk myself out it and rationalize the relationship to myself- this is new for me and I feel it's helping me accept it's really over. I tell myself that I need to heal so one day I can find someone who encompasses what I want from a man and I will be ready for them....I hope this helps..
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Old 02-24-2015, 03:13 PM
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Hi. I'm sorry you're hurting. Here are some suggestions:

1) This WILL NOT kill you. Always remember that. It might hurt for a long time, but it will not kill you.

2) When you think of all the things you can't bring yourself to do, breath and congratulate yourself for inhaling and exhaling. Good work.

3) Oatmeal and applesauce were the easiest nutritious foods I could eat. You can mix in nut butter for extra protein. I had to feed my little one too, so I spent a lot of money I didn't have on frozen comfort food. It was worth it to me.

4) Play music you love, especially cheerful kind that didn't make you think of him. If everything makes you think of him, find something new.

5) Hide reminders of him and avoid mutual contacts.

6) Educate yourself about alcoholism, narcissistic personality disorders, and abuse (mental & verbal). You are not that rare that you are the only one treated so terribly. There are so many others and sometimes only people who've been through it understand. Find them.

6) Take any of others' or my suggestions you want and leave the rest.
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Old 02-24-2015, 03:27 PM
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What doesn't kill us will make us stronger......

Always comes back to Our character defects that we can change..........
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Old 02-24-2015, 04:18 PM
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Thanks to all for your thoughts and words of wisdom....I will put them to practice. I find myself re-reading them all the time because they are so helpful! I honestly would not be able to do this without all of you! I am so grateful and thankful for stumbling upon this forum!!.

Its hard for me right now, as my support group is small and I am in a lonely place for the time being. You guys are such an ENORMOUS PART OF MY SUPPORT GROUP and I thank you again for that!! I also have a therapist whom I saw today and I will see again Friday to help keep me on track during this trying and so difficult acute phase! Unfortunately, she's going on a three week leave after next week. I hope I can make it!!!!! I also think I need alanon!!????
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:02 PM
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Can your therapist give you the info for an alternate therapist or crisis center? I think that would be the responsible thing for her to do.
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Slothy View Post
My own fears of loneliness, my poor self esteem, and my need to feel like a partner in a relationship have gotten me to this awful place.

I could of wrote those exact words... I really know how you're feeling and I'm sorry that it sucks so much!!

Sometimes we have to go back into the war field to really convince ourselves that the relationship is truly toxic and will never get any better. He has shown you over and over his true self... now keep up NC and don't look back! It will hurt for a while but you have already shown how strong you are! You can do this and you'll be a strong and healthier person soon enough!!
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