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New and I need help.

Old 02-24-2015, 04:26 AM
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New and I need help.

This is my first post and honestly the first time I have reached out in my dealing with an alcoholic. Nearly 3 years ago I met my partner. I fell hard and within 4.months he moved into my home. At the time, he was a dry drunk, although I didn't really understand what that meant at the time. Since then, he has started drinking again. He will have periods of sobriety, but always goes back to the bottle.
There are so many times he has blacked out drunk. He has lied to me a lot of times about his drinking, always promising to stop but never doing so. he has compared me to former lovers, and he is always hostile. He screams in my face, he gets very angry and he treats me like I am the reason for everything wrong in the world. I am completely dedicated to him and I would never cheat. He blames me for his mistakes and rather than apologize to me for the bad behavior, he makes me feel so guilty I end up apologizing to him even though I didn't do wrong. I have caught him flirting with other women on Facebook as well as sending inappropriate texts to women. This hurts me so much and makes me doubt his word and not trust him. If I know he has been drinking I dread going home because I never know how my night will be.
I am a full time student and I work a full time job. I pay most all of our bills and I do all the household chores. He is very irresponsible with money. He coinstantly spends and then can't help me out as much as he should. I am always stressed out because of this. It has gotten so bad I have a overnight bag in my trunk because I want to just leave when he's drinking so I don't have to deal with him.
I hate the alcohol. I hate everything about it. I get so angry when he drinks. It doesn't matter if its one drink or a whole bottle. I know getting angry isn't helping anything but the fear of being hurt and crying myself to sleep is always there.
I am sure all of you know what I am feeling and understand it. I know his alcoholism is his to deal with, but I feel like those of us who live with it are just as affected. Its such a rollercoaster. When he's sober he's my best friend and I couldn't love him more. When he drinks its all excuses and blaming me and I end up depressed and angry and unhappy.
I have told him how I feel. He says that I need to just lay off him and let him have a drink but I am struggling so much to do that because I see the destruction of our relationship and I see us not being together much longer if things don't change . I have always been a strong woman, but he makes me so weak.

Sorry so long but I am really struggling and I need help.
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Old 02-24-2015, 04:47 AM
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Hi rougelily and welcome.

So sorry you are dealing with this but glad you found us.

Many similarities in your story to my own- meet a dry drunk (unaware), fall hard and fast, live together, drinking starts up, abuse follows, blame, denial, we are the 'crazy' ones, it doesn't affect us cos they are the ones drinking right? Wrong!

You are right to feel the way that you do and as a person have a right to your feelings and emotions and they shouldn't be diminished by him. In a healthy relationship both parties feelings and emotions are respected and communicated. This isn't a healthy relationship I'm sorry to say (but you are here so I'm guessing you already know that).

Read around here, check out the stickies at the top of the page- they have so much valuable information about both alcoholism and abusive relationships. Abuse is never right and if you continue to accept it you set the president for it happening again and again and again, and for it potentially spiralling. Same with his alcoholism- you keep forgiving then you are telling him he can continue and you will always be there after when he flips back to the 'nice' him. Sometimes 'saying your piece' just isn't enough because if you don't make some serious boundaries or decisions then you are wasting your breath.

Alcoholism is progressive, I've heard it said many time here before that what he is showing you right now may well be the best it is going to get, is that enough for you? Sadly if he doesn't want to get proper help and commit to soberiety and recovery (not just not drinking as this isn't really 'recovery') then the nice parts may start to become less and less and you will become more and more unhealthy yourself being in this relationship.

It isn't my place or anybody's to tell you what to do, but please think very carefully. I know it's not easy, I am living the pain now of walking away, as are many others but sometimes the best thing for yourself and for him is to distance yourself, get some perspective. You aren't his mother or his carer, you are supposed to be an equal partnership in a healthy relationship, and do you want to spend the rest of your life working your a€€ off so he can drink all the money away, while he is also abusive towards you? Just for a few bits of nice here and there? You deserve more than that.

Only he can decide how he wishes to live his life, but equally only YOU can decide how you wish to live yours. Keep reading and posting, you will learn so much, I know I have. It's so hard sometimes to put into practice but at least knowledge is power- and it may help you to come to a well informed decision once and for all about what is best for you and how you want to move forward.

Sending you strength and clarity x
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Old 02-24-2015, 05:25 AM
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Sounds like he is not going to quit.

Sounds like a terrible situation to be in, are you in counseling.

Knowing what I know now, I'd cut him loose.

You deserve a happy life.
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Old 02-24-2015, 05:59 AM
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Thank you for your reply. its good to know I'm not alone in my struggle. I never thought I would be in a relationship that made me so happy and so sad all the time. He is an addict and he thinks I can't tell when he's drunk. I can. I can tell by his spelling on his texts and his mannerisms. When I ask him I get nothing but vitriol. I am supposed to be okay with him having a few drinks because he's not being belligerent or mean so that means I should be okay with it. I'm not. I know the only time he stops drinking before blacking out is when he runs out of alcohol. I feel trapped like an animal in a cage. I have no life outside of him because I feel guilty if I leave when he's drunk because he's diabetic and bad at taking his insulin. I have to remind him when he's normal and its worse when he's drunk. He has passed out on the toilet and we only have one bathroom. I ended up driving to a gas station to pee because every time I tried to get him up he would grumble and push me away.

You are right. I can't be happy in this unhealthy relationship. I know its only going to get worse but like most women in these type of relationship I can't throw him out because I am scared he would kill himself or drink himself to death. I have suggested counseling and aa. He has excuses such as not being able to afford it, etc. He spends money on stupid things and he could afford help if he would just stop blowing money on these things.I am going to a counselor myself because I have to learn how to cope with him. I am going to start living my life again. he knows what it's like to be on this side of alcoholism but still puts me through this. I can't sleep or eat because I'm so damn depressed and lost.

I am going to read all the stickies. I need to get strong and make choices because I don't want to be like this any longer.
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Old 02-24-2015, 06:21 AM
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rouge, you might look at going to a few alanon meetings yourself. Lots of people in your situation, or similar, get a lot of help there. Its all about working on you and making you stronger and not strung out reacting to your partner.

If he's not in recovery its likely his behavior will only get worse. It might be that you getting strong enough to leave will put him in a place where he has no choice but to start recovery.
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Old 02-24-2015, 06:29 AM
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I am going to attend my first Al-Anon meeting on Thursday evening. I hope it helps. I really don't want to leave him right now. I feel like I would be abandoning him at the worst point in his life and I don't want to see him spiral even more. I definitely need to have the discussion about my limits and make him understand that I cannot be in a relationship with him if he can't commit to recovery. I don't expect him to be perfect, but he needs to try. I am hoping that by going to Al-Anon he will see that I am putting in the work and maybe he will decide to do the same. He thinks he can work through the disease without intervention and I think we all know that's not possible. Thank you for your input. I hope to get more help from this site. I feel better already just getting so much off my chest.
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Old 02-24-2015, 06:35 AM
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You can't stop him from killing himself and you can't stop him from drinking himself to death. If he's going to do either one of those things, nothing you can do will stop it.

Incidentally, AA is free. It's a buck a meeting if you put something in the basket when it's passed.

If you haven't been to Al-Anon, now might be a very good time. It's as expensive as AA.

This is no way for you to live.

Oh, and I wouldn't count on his being "inspired" by your own recovery. I eventually left my second husband, who was just as bad off as your b/f--maybe worse, since he had already almost died of liver/kidney failure. He DID continue to spiral, but fifteen years later he's still alive, and still drinking. I've never regretted leaving.
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Old 02-24-2015, 06:46 AM
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I know I can't stop him. I am sure you know that it's so hard to watch someone you love self-destruct before your eyes.

I am really trying to be positive about Al-Anon. I am nervous but hopeful. I need some clarity and strength. I get counseling free through my employer so I am going to take advantage of that as well.

It sounds as if I have to either learn to live with his alcoholism and still take care of me or leave him and let whatever happens happen.

Can anyone recommend a good way to approach him without getting emotional?
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:24 AM
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Hi rougelily and welcome...so sorry for what is happening to you. I do see some positive things for you. You have a job and you're bettering yourself as a student. These are good things that will help you land on your feet and support yourself should you decided enough is enough. You can do that anytime you decide.

I'm also seeing a very positive thing in that you have a packed bag ready in your vehicle should you need to leave at a moments notice. This is very good! You are being VERY smart!

Any other advice I would give would be a repeat of the great stuff written before me. Start doing more things for yourself that help protect you from his disease.

You asked if anyone could recommend a good way to approach him w/0 getting emotional....wow...I can't say I was able to do that at all. I cried when I talked with my spouse. The few times I didnt cry was because I had just lost all feeling about it and just needed peace. Don't worry if you become emotional. Wait until he is sober, write down what you want to say if you need to, and just say it tears and all.

Hugs
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:41 AM
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RL, it sounds like he's sucking you dry in so many ways, financially, in energy, emotionally. You probably never thought you would become one of those women, but you can get used to the abuse and not know how to move on.

As the others have pointed out, he's not interested in recovery. I'm a sober alcoholic, and I know it can take a long time to get to where you want to quit; no one can do it for you.

He doesn't sound too helpless to me. He's got a comfortable set-up with you doing all the work, paying for most of it, taking his abuse, and for all that he still gets to drink. Why would he go anywhere? You might want to start planning how to get him out, and when to change the locks.

Go to Al-anon, and if you can find the strength, kick him to the curb. Be prepared for lots of apologies and promises if you do, but watch the actions rather than listen to the words.
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:53 AM
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Thank you all so much. I really needed to hear that I am not alone. I know I will get emotional when I tell him how I feel because my heart is hurting so much. I feel like I'm damned if I do damned if I don't and this disease is ruining my relationship. The lies and the betrayal of my trust are the worst. He makes me feel like I am wrong for getting so angry about the drinking. I have told him how I feel and how it is ruining us and that I don't see us making it while he's drinking and he just deflects. He is so good at manipulating me into thinking I am wrong for being upset and that I deserve his anger. He likes to remind me that he doesn't hit me or break things around the house so I should be grateful that he's not "that kind" of drunk. He also thinks that when he's sober and not drinking for a while that I should forgive and forget all the stress and sadness he pours on me. It feels so manipulative and wrong. I think about the good times and while he is sober more than drunk (although that is starting to change) and it makes it hard for me to realize how bad it actually is.
I guess it hurts so much because I have been nothing but supportive. He didn't have a lot of love growing up and I show nothing but love. Maybe that is the problem. I am too loving and caring.

I am going to write a letter to him and sit him down and read it. I know if I don't, I will probably break down and start losing focus because I am so distraught over this.

I can definitely stand on my own two feet. I own my home, I have a nice car I pay for, I pay all my own bills. I don't NEED him around, I WANT him around, but I think its coming around that if he can't do what needs to be done that might change.

Sorry I'm so windy. It's so therapeutic to finally be able to speak with others that have the same things in their lives. Thank you all.
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Old 02-24-2015, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by rougelily View Post

I can definitely stand on my own two feet. I own my home, I have a nice car I pay for, I pay all my own bills. I don't NEED him around, I WANT him around, but I think its coming around that if he can't do what needs to be done that might change. .
THIS is WONDERFUL! A goofy little phrase so full of truth that really stuck out in my mind and I kept repeating to myself was, "If nothing changes nothing changes." It is apparent he isn't going to change, but you can. Hugs!
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Old 02-24-2015, 08:09 AM
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Hello and welcome. Sorry you had to find us but I think you'll be glad you did because there is so much support here. I'm so glad to hear you are going to start with Al-Anon.

I'd also like to recommend the stickies at the top of this forum. There are so many great threads up there. I also read a book called "Co-Dependent No More" and it helped so much. It really resonated with me and I think it might for you too.

His questions are his to answer. Your questions are yours to answer so if you focus on yourself - you'll be moving in the right direction.
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Old 02-24-2015, 08:22 AM
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I'm definitely going to look for that book. I just purchased the Al-Anon 12 Steps book on Amazon. I am going to immerse myself in them and hopefully find some peace of mind.

I have to work really hard at not making the drinking my problem. I am a "fixer" by nature and it pains me so to see people I love hurting and struggling but I know he has to make the choice to change. I cannot do it for him.
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Old 02-24-2015, 10:31 AM
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Hi Roguelily (((HUGS)))
I SO relate to your post.
I don't really have anything else to add that hasn't already been posted.
Just wanted to tell you you're not alone. We all know what you're going through. And it is SO hard. Take care of YOU!!!
I'm glad you're here.
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Old 02-25-2015, 01:10 AM
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hi RougeLily, just to remind you that when you do talk to him, or take action, be prepared for him to be contrite, loving and full of promises.
Don't listen to the words, watch the actions. You might hear that he's going to control and moderate, but see that he's still secretly drinking. It's easy to promise, but much harder to follow through.
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