Sponsor Question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Sponsor Question
I've been working with my sponsor for a few months now, I'm in limbo between step 2 and step 3. I get step 3 and am ready to actually begin handing stuff over (I already do sometimes and handing stuff over gives me anxiety! Me have little faith! 
) Anyway, this weekend I picked up a Steps workbook (Reaching for Personal Freedom, I'm not sure if the same books are distributed nationally) and I'm thinking about starting to work the steps with this workbook but my sponsor hasn't suggested that I do that so I'm not sure if I'm stepping on her Sponsorial Toes. Actually, outside of meeting with her in person once every other week, she hasn't suggested that I do anything (besides meditating and praying) to help me work the steps. She hasn't suggested that I journal or use a work book or really read anything besides Steps To Recovery. Meanwhile my al-anon friends that are on similar paths seem to get suggestions from their sponsors, one of them picked up a different steps workbook when I picked mine up and mentioned that her sponsor suggested it. Another has been journaling at the suggestion of her sponsor. Why isn't mine suggesting these things to me?
Anyway, my question is, is anyone else's sponsor very hands off? She has a super controlling personality (like me) and references how things "should" work very frequently but she catches herself all the dang time when she says that I should or need to do something and then just changes the words that she's using but imparting the same message. I almost feel like she's overcorrecting. I told her once in a very gentle "I" statement kind of way that there was a whole lot of "rightness" going on sometimes and she did not seem to take very kindly to my opinion.
I want to use this workbook because it seems like a good fit for me (I like study guides but I kind of hate some of the questions in Paths To Recovery, I'm thinking this will be a better alternative) but I'm afraid to step on her toes because she's supposed to be kind of guiding me through the steps right? I don't want to impart the message that I know better than she does because I one million percent do not! Maybe I'm over thinking this but I don't want to offend her and at the same time, I want to work my program as thoroughly as I can. This is really making me realize how awkward I am about all relationships in my own head though. I know this seems like a tiny thing but I seriously don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like she isn't a good sponsor because she is a great sponsor.
) Anyway, this weekend I picked up a Steps workbook (Reaching for Personal Freedom, I'm not sure if the same books are distributed nationally) and I'm thinking about starting to work the steps with this workbook but my sponsor hasn't suggested that I do that so I'm not sure if I'm stepping on her Sponsorial Toes. Actually, outside of meeting with her in person once every other week, she hasn't suggested that I do anything (besides meditating and praying) to help me work the steps. She hasn't suggested that I journal or use a work book or really read anything besides Steps To Recovery. Meanwhile my al-anon friends that are on similar paths seem to get suggestions from their sponsors, one of them picked up a different steps workbook when I picked mine up and mentioned that her sponsor suggested it. Another has been journaling at the suggestion of her sponsor. Why isn't mine suggesting these things to me? Anyway, my question is, is anyone else's sponsor very hands off? She has a super controlling personality (like me) and references how things "should" work very frequently but she catches herself all the dang time when she says that I should or need to do something and then just changes the words that she's using but imparting the same message. I almost feel like she's overcorrecting. I told her once in a very gentle "I" statement kind of way that there was a whole lot of "rightness" going on sometimes and she did not seem to take very kindly to my opinion.
I want to use this workbook because it seems like a good fit for me (I like study guides but I kind of hate some of the questions in Paths To Recovery, I'm thinking this will be a better alternative) but I'm afraid to step on her toes because she's supposed to be kind of guiding me through the steps right? I don't want to impart the message that I know better than she does because I one million percent do not! Maybe I'm over thinking this but I don't want to offend her and at the same time, I want to work my program as thoroughly as I can. This is really making me realize how awkward I am about all relationships in my own head though. I know this seems like a tiny thing but I seriously don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like she isn't a good sponsor because she is a great sponsor.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My sponsor was very hands-off. She gave me suggestions of sources I could use to work the steps, she was there when I needed to talk, and whenever she saw in my communications that I was veering off course, she'd take to sending me daily texts that said "Go. To. Meeting." 
We didn't meet weekly; she never told me how to work the steps or when to move on to the next one. She pretty much let me take the lead.
Reading your post, I think two things:
1) Your recovery is YOUR recovery. If you think this workbook can help you, and you feel like it's a good fit -- I see no reason to NOT use it.
2) I don't want to overanalyze your post, but I see a lot of myself in your thinking. It's about your recovery -- it's not about pleasing your sponsor. I'm such a terrible people pleaser that I would absolutely feel the same way you do -- and I probably would have exactly the same worries. And I'm wondering if that isn't part of the whole reason we NEED recovery? Because here we are again, putting our own needs aside lest they insult someone...
We didn't meet weekly; she never told me how to work the steps or when to move on to the next one. She pretty much let me take the lead.Reading your post, I think two things:
1) Your recovery is YOUR recovery. If you think this workbook can help you, and you feel like it's a good fit -- I see no reason to NOT use it.
2) I don't want to overanalyze your post, but I see a lot of myself in your thinking. It's about your recovery -- it's not about pleasing your sponsor. I'm such a terrible people pleaser that I would absolutely feel the same way you do -- and I probably would have exactly the same worries. And I'm wondering if that isn't part of the whole reason we NEED recovery? Because here we are again, putting our own needs aside lest they insult someone...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Thanks, Amy! And overanalyze away, I'm pretty sure I'm already doing that anyway. LOL
Well…I'm not a people pleaser except for with my mom. And my sponsor is totally the age of my mom, and I worry that I'm already unintentionally projecting my mom-stuff on her a little bit and now I'm worried that I'm projecting trying to not make her mad or disappointed in me or trying to please my sponsor like she's my mom. I'm generally not a people pleaser but I can see that I kind of am doing that with her. I thought I was being overly considerate but people pleasing seems more appropriate now that you've mentioned it. Last week when I met with my sponsor she told me that she wanted to tell me something before we started talking and my initial reaction was that she was going to say she didn't want to be my sponsor anymore. :/ That is allllllllll my mom dysfunction just completely taking up all the space in my head. Now that I'm writing this out I think this is therapy stuff. I wish I came from a healthier family.
Well…I'm not a people pleaser except for with my mom. And my sponsor is totally the age of my mom, and I worry that I'm already unintentionally projecting my mom-stuff on her a little bit and now I'm worried that I'm projecting trying to not make her mad or disappointed in me or trying to please my sponsor like she's my mom. I'm generally not a people pleaser but I can see that I kind of am doing that with her. I thought I was being overly considerate but people pleasing seems more appropriate now that you've mentioned it. Last week when I met with my sponsor she told me that she wanted to tell me something before we started talking and my initial reaction was that she was going to say she didn't want to be my sponsor anymore. :/ That is allllllllll my mom dysfunction just completely taking up all the space in my head. Now that I'm writing this out I think this is therapy stuff. I wish I came from a healthier family.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
you really do have trouble turning things over.
Lol
Maybe God put this sponsor in your path?
Your busy.... Right?
If she gave you a ton of stuff to do, you might find it hard to juggle it all.
Just relax and unwind and let the sponsor be the sponsor.
Lol
Maybe God put this sponsor in your path?
Your busy.... Right?
If she gave you a ton of stuff to do, you might find it hard to juggle it all.
Just relax and unwind and let the sponsor be the sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I don't think she should have a problem with it. Its a teaching tool right?
There is knowing "better' and knowing "yourself". You want the tool because you learn more efficiently that way not because you know better than the sponsor.
All people learn in different ways. You aren't saying she is doing a bad job you are saying that for the way you learn you need or prefer a workbook. I think that's what you are saying.
There is knowing "better' and knowing "yourself". You want the tool because you learn more efficiently that way not because you know better than the sponsor.
All people learn in different ways. You aren't saying she is doing a bad job you are saying that for the way you learn you need or prefer a workbook. I think that's what you are saying.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd discuss it with her. You can tell her that you kind of like the idea of having an "assignment" to work on and ask what she thinks.
Most sponsors do what their own sponsors did. Some adjust their "approach" based on what they perceive their sponsee needs.
I know in AA it's strongly felt among many members that the "proper" way to work the steps is the way they are laid out in the Big Book, and that workbooks don't accomplish the same thing. The Al-Anon Steps are adapted from the Big Book, but even though the principles are the same, there isn't the same kind of textual authority directing how they are to be worked.
But since you're working with your sponsor, it's probably best if she knows what you're doing. It's a two-way street, and she can probably help you the best if she knows what you're doing. I doubt she'll have a huge reaction one way or the other, but if she does it might be good to know why. Ultimately, you're equally responsible for how successful the sponsor-sponsee relationship is.
Most sponsors do what their own sponsors did. Some adjust their "approach" based on what they perceive their sponsee needs.
I know in AA it's strongly felt among many members that the "proper" way to work the steps is the way they are laid out in the Big Book, and that workbooks don't accomplish the same thing. The Al-Anon Steps are adapted from the Big Book, but even though the principles are the same, there isn't the same kind of textual authority directing how they are to be worked.
But since you're working with your sponsor, it's probably best if she knows what you're doing. It's a two-way street, and she can probably help you the best if she knows what you're doing. I doubt she'll have a huge reaction one way or the other, but if she does it might be good to know why. Ultimately, you're equally responsible for how successful the sponsor-sponsee relationship is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Mine is hands off, mostly because I've not pursued a more involved relationship. We talk once or twice a week, I bring up whats going on in my head, we chat, sometimes he comments sometimes not- we talk about his stuff too. He doesnt mind my excursions off into ACOA and inner child stuff as long as I keep at the program work.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Stung,
She wants you praying and meditating. That is quite a big homework assignment in itself from your sponsor seeing as you are trying to bridge to Step 3.
If she organized and efficient like you, she is probably trying to let you learn how to relax and let the process flow. But you want a work book so it is all laid out. Since you picked it up, I suspect she will defer to your preference. But I think she is trying to give you space and let you find your way - not her way.
When you tell her, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if she is relieved like you are.
Happy steps.
She wants you praying and meditating. That is quite a big homework assignment in itself from your sponsor seeing as you are trying to bridge to Step 3.
If she organized and efficient like you, she is probably trying to let you learn how to relax and let the process flow. But you want a work book so it is all laid out. Since you picked it up, I suspect she will defer to your preference. But I think she is trying to give you space and let you find your way - not her way.
When you tell her, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if she is relieved like you are.
Happy steps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Thanks guys. She does already know that I use SR (although not SR specifically) and that I have my online meetings…and that I do a million other things. And my other al-anon girlfriends don't have kids and some of them are even single. Maybe they just have more time to journal and I don't? IDK.
I guess there are more factors in this than I initially was aware of. And I don't reach out to my sponsor unless I'm having a complete meltdown, which has been twice I think. Which sucks, that seems like a lot. I don't want her to think I'm a whiner otherwise I'm afraid she's going to tell me that she doesn't have time for me and my BS because she has other people that she's sponsoring too. Insecure and anxious, party of one.
I guess there are more factors in this than I initially was aware of. And I don't reach out to my sponsor unless I'm having a complete meltdown, which has been twice I think. Which sucks, that seems like a lot. I don't want her to think I'm a whiner otherwise I'm afraid she's going to tell me that she doesn't have time for me and my BS because she has other people that she's sponsoring too. Insecure and anxious, party of one.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think reaching out to your sponsor when you AREN'T having a meltdown is a very good idea. The idea is to achieve personal growth that will reduce the occasions for (and results of) meltdowns. Maybe see how she feels about a once-a-week check-in, and maybe meeting with her once or twice a month in person to just talk about where you are in your Step work?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I met with her today and told her that I think I'm projecting some of my mom onto her and she told me I was brave for telling her that. She also thought that the workbook that I picked up was a good resource to use and more or less said that my program and my step work should go at my speed or rather, at the speed that my higher power is moving me through the steps.
I feel better now. I think now that I know that I've been projecting on her a little bit (these maternal-esque relationships with my sponsor and my therapist are weird for me, I think I need like a younger male therapist that is well versed in alcoholism and narcism) it's easier for me to be a little more independent and let go of the worry.
I feel better now. I think now that I know that I've been projecting on her a little bit (these maternal-esque relationships with my sponsor and my therapist are weird for me, I think I need like a younger male therapist that is well versed in alcoholism and narcism) it's easier for me to be a little more independent and let go of the worry.
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