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Confidence of an exAH

Old 02-23-2015, 08:02 PM
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Confidence of an exAH

Whenever my ex "recovering" Ah starts acting confident and making demands my senses peek. What is he up to now? I know stay in my lane but my kids are my lane and if he I up to something it ends up impacting all of us. My gut is always do the opposite of his demands.
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Old 02-23-2015, 08:39 PM
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So your exA is making demands of you? This doesn't sound quite right. If he is your ex then I would think any contact would be about the kids and the kids only. Can it not be kept to that?

I'm glad that you listen to your gut!
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Old 02-23-2015, 08:44 PM
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So... my experience is that "demands" from an ex are often a test. I don't know much about your ex, but I know with mine, it usually went like this:

He would say "I need to get the kids later on Friday because [reason]."
If I said "sure, no problem" -- the next time, it would be "I can't get the kids until Saturday morning because [reason]."
And if I agreed to that, he would try to shift things around even more.

I finally put my foot down and said "Listen: My children are always welcome to be with me. But if you want to be a parent -- you need to be a parent. Not just when it fits your schedule or it's convenient for you. Either you stick by the agreement, pick the kids up and drop them off as agreed upon, or we can renegotiate the custody."

Requests or nice "asks" are OK between parents, I think. But when an ex starts dictating to you, or making demands, they're way overstepping -- and to me, it was like another way of trying to control me and keep pulling my strings.

Is that sort of what you're talking about?
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Old 02-24-2015, 06:02 AM
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It started with his dates for his vacation - then of course demands on when and if he would pay child support. The lawyers say let him threaten that and they will take him to court so fast. PS he makes a lot of money but this is always where every other month - it is lets make a deal. CONTROL.

I start to be nice or civil and then he acts like he still can dictate what I have to do with manipulative comments like - we call the shots. we can decide things between the two of us without lawyers.
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Old 02-24-2015, 06:24 AM
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Doesn't sound like recovery to me, it more resembles ego.
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Old 02-24-2015, 06:47 AM
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The whole POINT of having an order is to cut out the freakin' back-and-forth negotiating every visit and payment.

I'd just tell him, "Sorry, we are sticking with the order." Repeat, don't argue it. Just keep saying, "We have an order and we're following it."

Of course, there might be a truly unusual situation where one of you needs to deviate. But those should be rare, not anticipated, and compelling (e.g., someone's family member is dying).
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Old 02-24-2015, 08:17 AM
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Does he pay you directly? Maybe it's time he pay you through the court system so you don't have to have contact w/him about it.

Tight hugs.
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Old 02-24-2015, 10:06 AM
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I was going to make the exact suggestion hopeful made: Hand it over to the state to collect. That way, he will pay on the agreed-upon date every month without harassing you about it, or they will simply take it out of his wages.
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Old 02-24-2015, 10:16 AM
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My ex pays CS to his state, then his state pays my state, then my state pays me. As complicated as that sounds, it's much easier than dealing with his crazymaking and excuses. He was late once, and his state sent him a nastygram and that was the end of it. If I had been dealing with him personally it would have been a whole different story, I'm sure.
I agree with keeping things according to the court order. It might be different if you were both reasonable people working together toward the best possible outcome for your children, but this really does seem to be all about him jerking you around trying to feel like he has control.
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Old 02-24-2015, 11:06 AM
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I have started always asking, "What does the parenting plan say?" The last time I asked that, he had an answer right away. It's like he figured out thatthe parenting plan determines the outcome. Brilliant!

He still hasn't learned to ask for anything. I am starting to wonder if he even knows the difference between telling me his needs/wishes and actually asking me to provide something for him. Sigh... I just keep reminding him to ask.
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Old 02-24-2015, 11:10 AM
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Asking the question is a good idea.

What is interesting to think back about - I am not sure he could answer,

I am not sure if he is lazy and doesn't want to read and for people to just kneel down....or is that an act - so he can get his way.
or has the alcohol really done that much damage. It is possible - sometimes I wonder if he can really read or not because he will jump on one word and not read the rest - so processing the meaning in context is gone.
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Old 02-24-2015, 11:37 AM
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merrygoround...are you married to my X? LOL!
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Old 02-24-2015, 03:31 PM
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I agree with Lexiecat.
Stick to the order word for word.
Believe me, it's taken me 8 years to have it down in a black and white order & for the first time in my life I can live my life (not to mention the kids life) knowing everything is in place.
He may still try it on but he will give up eventually if he knows you're serious about not straying from the order.
Give them an inch, they'll take a mile & you'll get no thanks & plenty of disruptions in the process.
As for the child support, let the authorities handle it.
The less contact you have the healthier your life will be.
Hugs.
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