He doesn't care I'm gone after a year?
 

Hi everyone,
Not sure why I'm posting here really as don't really have a question. I've heard writing things down helps so I thought posting my thoughts and feelings about the situation here might be good and helpful for me.

So I recently (3 weeks ago) split with my alcoholic boyfriend.
Well, we never really officially split up... but that was the last time we saw each other.

He drank again and ruined a special occasion for us, and I split with him when he was drinking so he obviously didn’t remember it. He was passed out for the next week, then the following week we spoke by text and he phoned me because he was about to try new counselling (proper 1-to-1 instead of meetings) and he said he knew he needed to sort himself out before I would see him and that he was determined to do it so we could have a happy future together. I was waiting until I saw him to split up with him properly but he wanted to get the first session of counselling over with first to update me and tell me what his counsellor thought.
Then the day he was supposed to go to the new counselling he got drunk and so didn’t turn up (and as usual said some pretty hurtful things to me.) He text me the next morning to say good morning and he loved me. I just replied with “no” (I had just been woken up by this text at 3am! Plus was upset and was still questioning if we should split or not - my head was all over the place. All I got back was “fine, don’t care”
Since then, a week ago, I haven’t heard anything from him. I wondered if he’d just been drunk and that was the reason he'd not bothered but my friend has spoken to him so I know he isn’t.

I’m just hurt. I know it’s the right decision to split up and I don’t want this relationship anymore, but the fact that I spent a year with him, 8 months of those trying to help him get back off the drink again, all those things he said to me about never wanting to lose me and now I walk away and he just doesn’t care at all? I feel like the last year has all been a lie and that I meant absolutely nothing to him.
He usually texts me to at least apologise after he’s been drinking but it just hurts that he’s just said nothing and has let me walk away, without us even saying that its over.

Like I say, I don’t want him back. Unfortunately I know deep down he will never give the drink up again so it just would never work. But it would be nice to know that he is hurting and missing me too and that I actually meant something to him and not just wasted a year of my life on someone who didn’t even care about me.

I’m now left wondering if all the hurtful things he said to me when he was drunk were true and that was the real him. Maybe he had been using me all this time.

I know I shouldn't care and should just move on but it's hard and all this is making me question if this was even real which is making it harder for me.
I know that he's not sitting there thinking about me, feeling bad about everything so I shouldn't either. I'm just finding it hard letting go.

It’s just strange how he was the one who was always causing trouble and the reason we split, I was the one who was always hurt in the relationship and now I’m the one who’s upset that we’ve split up whilst he doesn’t care. Surely it should be the other way around.
Is it selfish to want him to hurt like I am after all the hurt he's caused in the relationship and after all the effort I put in to help him when in the end he didn't even want to stop drinking? Why would he waste my time like this and throw it all back in my face?

And sorry, I didn't even realise how long my post was until I saw it posted!

He sounds like a garden variety drunk and his behavior is quite typical. AA's Big Book describes alcoholics as selfish, self-centered in the extreme, grandiose and very immature. "His majesty the child", with no sense of responsibility. No he doesn't care because like all active alcoholics the great love of his life, Higher Power, God, is booze.
That's just the way they are and trying to use normal logic to figure out an alcoholic is doomed to failure. I'm sure you are hurt but you seem to understand that a relationship with this person is impossible ... he's incapable of having an adult relationship. What helped me was working on my own issues (hey, I picked him and stayed, figured I could fix him) and I recommend Alanon. Plus, read the stickies and "Codependent No More". We're powerless over other people but we can work on ourselves so we never pick another one.

Regarding your question, let him go and let go of resentments, they make no difference.

A big hug.

here's the thing....you don't know WHAT he feels or does not feel. you aren't him. you can't read his insides. all you know right now is that he has not made the effort to contact you.

your post would have an entirely different tone if HE had broken it off....as it is you made that decision (which was a good one IMHO!) but at some level you were expecting him to CHASE you....at least a bit.

that is what hurts right now. yes i'm leaving, and yes it's my choice, but dammit you are supposed to be crushed, left in the fetal position, crying your eyes out of the LOSS of me.

that's ego. and normal. fact is he is NOT relationship material. he isn't even good fixer upper material. you left him like you found him, it was NEVER your job to devote a year of YOUR life to try and fix him up.

Hi & welcome to SR!

I'm sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us.

I can understand that you're wondering how he could just walk away after a year. But you know, quite honestly, he's probably wondering the same thing.

To you, his drinking (as you've told him numerous times, no doubt) is a problem for you. To an addict, anything that interferes with his drinking is a problem. I can't tell you how quickly my ex moved on to finding a girlfriend who was OK with his drinking (until she wasn't anymore). And the next one. And the next one.

I found, with my ex, that what I really wanted when I left him wasn't for him to be broken and sad and miserable. I wanted him to acknowledge that we had had a very good thing and that HE had screwed it up by his drinking. I wanted him to admit that it was all his fault that things went south.

I never did get that. What I got was a whole lot of abuse heaped on me for "abandoning" him (as if he were a helpless puppy dog), for "violating" my marriage vows (because apparently I was supposed to put up with whatever he decided to dish out without complaining -- don't remember that in my vows...), for being a horrible lying [insert insults here], etc.

What I finally had to come to terms with was that it didn't really matter how he thought of me, or the 20-year marriage we had, or his own part in its demise. It also didn't matter what anyone else thought -- his friends who called me a bad Christian; his parents who never spoke to me again despite knowing he was an abusive alcoholic; etc. The only thing that mattered was that I knew that our marriage was breaking me down, and that since his choice was to continue drinking; my choice to save myself and the kids from that hell was completely and utterly valid and something I could stand by.

Getting validation from an active addict that their addiction and addiction--related behaviors have ANYTHING to do with the breakdown of a relationship... it's something you can wish for, but it's very rare that you'll actually get it. I had to provide my own closure -- and it took time for me to be OK with that.

Tamzo....

First of all--WELCOME TO THE FORUM!

I hear your frustration, confusion and pain. Alcoholism can turn the usual rules for engagement that are present for normal relationships on their head.
Given that alcohol is the first priority for the alcoholic all other things come in second.
If forced to choose between the alcohol or other relationships...the relationships have to come second, by default.
While he may have enjoyed the things that you did for him during the relationship (who wouldn't)....he probably didn't realize or figure that you would ever ask him to choose.

To be able to drink, the alcoholic, also, has to arrange all their own thinking so that they are not responsible for the destructive behavior that comes from it---that is what is called denial.
In that sense, he is just as..or, more "confused" than you are...lol.

There is so m uch to learn about this disease....so I encourage you to stay around and continue to read. Especially, the "stickies" at the top of the main page.

dandylion

It’s just strange how he was the one who was always causing trouble and the reason we split, I was the one who was always hurt in the relationship and now I’m the one who’s upset that we’ve split up whilst he doesn’t care. Surely it should be the other way around.
Is it selfish to want him to hurt like I am after all the hurt he's caused in the relationship and after all the effort I put in to help him when in the end he didn't even want to stop drinking? Why would he waste my time like this and throw it all back in my face?

Well, maybe he does hurt... This reaction sounds to me like him playing his hand in order to protect himself. You know, like NOT caring about you is getting you back for leaving him. Maybe..... OR, maybe his distance is just his way of dealing with the pain. Afterall, he does still have alcohol to numb out whatever pain he may be feeling.

Personally, I think alcoholics are human and are not above pain. In fact, I think they toil over pain far more than other people and it gets them into trouble being unable or unwilling to actually deal with it.

And I can relate, a little... I did the whole "unofficial" break-up with my xabf just after Christmas and finalized it in the middle of January. Now for me, I didn't go NC simply because he was never nasty to me. That's just my personal boundary. He does get upset, however, and I manage to cut him off and turn off my phone at that point. No sense in trying to make sense of his nonsense, ya know?
Anyway, I wouldn't worry about how he is feeling. You don't need his remorse to validate your pain, because what you are feeling is real anyway. And the truth is that he has many more years of pain to come if he continues to drink. YOU, on the other hand, can begin to heal NOW. Good luck, and keep coming back! This is a good place to vent!