why is he fine?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 16
why is he fine?
Sounds stupid I know....but he is still with her and they are really putting an effort into their relationship. Ohhh! Please God give me the strength to be happy for him. I promise,I have been doing things for myself and i made so many steps forward! I see now that h is not the right man for me. I just feel very sorry cos he did not put that effort for me!!! He didn't !
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
DM- he put you through 2 years of addiction. I know that you think their world is perfect. Look what he did to you, you think he can just stop for her. Sounds good, but i can almost guarantee that their life is not as perfect as you think.
Try and stay away from them as much as possible. All it will cause for you is hurt. Give him time, he will mess up and if she is so confident she will get rid of him fast enough, and probably come calling.
(((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Try and stay away from them as much as possible. All it will cause for you is hurt. Give him time, he will mess up and if she is so confident she will get rid of him fast enough, and probably come calling.
(((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Latham, NY
Posts: 10
I'm sorry, and I understand.
I'm with maia1234...there's always effort at first. As soon as the pressure is on, and there's always pressure because that's just life, things break down and the misery commences.
Not that I wish that on your ex, it's just the truth.
Hopefully he is okay for now, because at least it means he isn't making your life a living hell.
I'm with maia1234...there's always effort at first. As soon as the pressure is on, and there's always pressure because that's just life, things break down and the misery commences.
Not that I wish that on your ex, it's just the truth.
Hopefully he is okay for now, because at least it means he isn't making your life a living hell.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's tempting to imagine that what we see or hear about from the outside of a relationship is an accurate reflection of what's happening on the inside, but the truth is, the only two people who really know the truth of what's happening is them. Try not to torture yourself with the fantasy that there has been a miraculous shift in behavior -- that really, really only happens in the movies.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
maia...LOL! I think about the power couples...the celebrities on TV. Every time you see them talking in an interview...singing about how perfect their relationship is and how they are in such a "good place". Weell....count how often they are filing for divorce within 6 weeks. Like Seal and Heidi Plume....and Jennifer Lopez, and Maria Carey...
Nobody really knows what is going on in a relationship from the outside...no one
What do you suppose you will be doing 10yrs. from now...?
dandylion
Nobody really knows what is going on in a relationship from the outside...no one
What do you suppose you will be doing 10yrs. from now...?
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Try to stop comparing your insides to their outsides. You have no idea what is going on in the relationship. Focus on your own issues, because you're powerless over the ex but not over your own thoughts, words and actions.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I don't think you need to be happy for him/them.
Continue to do the good healthy things for you, and before long you will see and feel the benefit of your commitment to yourself.
Sorry you feel let down by his lack of effort, just remember zebras can't change their stripes, I don't place much value on appearances......
Continue to do the good healthy things for you, and before long you will see and feel the benefit of your commitment to yourself.
Sorry you feel let down by his lack of effort, just remember zebras can't change their stripes, I don't place much value on appearances......
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
There's a saying that goes around here on SR: "Don't compare your insides to somebody else's outsides."
You're seeing the image he wants to project. Reality is, as always, not the same on the inside as the image you see.
Here's the thing: The first period of time in a new relationship is one where even an addict puts their best foot forward and tries to make it all look shiny. My experience is addicts can't keep that up. But in the end, whatever he does with HIS life doesn't matter. It's got nothing to do with YOU. Even IF he were to get sober in this relationship -- it says nothing about YOU. Not a thing.
You got out and you have your own life to live. There's no reason to continue living his. That's his job, no matter if he does it well or poorly.
You focus on you -- because you have an entire future to live. On your terms. He doesn't deserve to define a single moment of it.
You're seeing the image he wants to project. Reality is, as always, not the same on the inside as the image you see.
Here's the thing: The first period of time in a new relationship is one where even an addict puts their best foot forward and tries to make it all look shiny. My experience is addicts can't keep that up. But in the end, whatever he does with HIS life doesn't matter. It's got nothing to do with YOU. Even IF he were to get sober in this relationship -- it says nothing about YOU. Not a thing.
You got out and you have your own life to live. There's no reason to continue living his. That's his job, no matter if he does it well or poorly.
You focus on you -- because you have an entire future to live. On your terms. He doesn't deserve to define a single moment of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 16
Thank u all for taking the time for replying. It means a lot. Yes it is time to s top thinking of them. I promise it does not happen a lot. From time to time , maybe cos I'm still single. Sometimes i think that problems will be always there in every relationships. In the future I will try my best to make it work cos i m so lonely that i miss to be able to share life. "Happyness real only if shared" ,this just came to mind now. Yes, u r right when u say that nothing is really what it seems but , i m to the point that i d rather be with anyone than by my self. Even if it is not that good behind closed curtains , it still IS real. This loneliness instead is making my life unreal. Am I real here!?!?!? 
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Hi, DM.
I kind of need this thread too, because even though I've moved to a new, healthier relationship, I recently found out that my XA has had a gf for since about July.
Of course we know that is his business, but my X is an abuser and likes to give me information about his business if he thinks it might hurt me.
You can bet that even a year and a half after his rejection of me, I'm still hurt that he is sober in this new relationship and never was with me. I wonder why our son wasn't important enough for him to put more effort into our relationship.
We're still not dealing with sane people though. I know that X passes his UA's, but I don't know that he has stopped abusing women who love him. I have educated myself a lot about abuse in the last 6 month's and I have learned that abuse and alcoholism are two different things. To recover from addiction does not mean one is recovering from every other illness or character defect.
I know very well, based on my relationship with XA that we were very good at looking like a healthy, living super couple - very cute and all over Facebook with it. Well, we were NOT healthy. We had happy times, but he was in love with alcohol and he killed my spirit with his abuse. His effort in the beginning of our relationship was amazing - second to none, but he tore me down slowly and insidiously. I didn't even realize how bad it was until he yanked the rug out from my dreamy facade. Do you think his ex wife saw that effort in the beginning, even though she wasn't in touch with us? She sure did. She was surprised to hear that we didn't work out (7 years later), because our facade was so believable.
All of us try to make our exes think that we are doing so much better without them. It's rare that someone could move on and not wish to give the ex am impression that they were the problem and that life is amazingly cool without them.
My new bf has 14 years of recovery with real effort. I like talking with him about this stuff, because he's heard a lot of stories in his years of AA. He just doesn't have a lot of faith that things are that great with my ex.
Does your ex show that he has made effort in his recovery? If not, remember that you are better off without him.
Now, I hear that you're lonely. Still, please hold out for someone healthy to connect with. It is SO worth it. Going with just anyone will likely attract someone who will just give you grief of some sort and land you right back where you were at the end of your last relationship. Stay the course! Lean on your HP and platonic friendships for companionship. They will support and guide you.
<3
I kind of need this thread too, because even though I've moved to a new, healthier relationship, I recently found out that my XA has had a gf for since about July.
Of course we know that is his business, but my X is an abuser and likes to give me information about his business if he thinks it might hurt me.
You can bet that even a year and a half after his rejection of me, I'm still hurt that he is sober in this new relationship and never was with me. I wonder why our son wasn't important enough for him to put more effort into our relationship.
We're still not dealing with sane people though. I know that X passes his UA's, but I don't know that he has stopped abusing women who love him. I have educated myself a lot about abuse in the last 6 month's and I have learned that abuse and alcoholism are two different things. To recover from addiction does not mean one is recovering from every other illness or character defect.
I know very well, based on my relationship with XA that we were very good at looking like a healthy, living super couple - very cute and all over Facebook with it. Well, we were NOT healthy. We had happy times, but he was in love with alcohol and he killed my spirit with his abuse. His effort in the beginning of our relationship was amazing - second to none, but he tore me down slowly and insidiously. I didn't even realize how bad it was until he yanked the rug out from my dreamy facade. Do you think his ex wife saw that effort in the beginning, even though she wasn't in touch with us? She sure did. She was surprised to hear that we didn't work out (7 years later), because our facade was so believable.
All of us try to make our exes think that we are doing so much better without them. It's rare that someone could move on and not wish to give the ex am impression that they were the problem and that life is amazingly cool without them.
My new bf has 14 years of recovery with real effort. I like talking with him about this stuff, because he's heard a lot of stories in his years of AA. He just doesn't have a lot of faith that things are that great with my ex.
Does your ex show that he has made effort in his recovery? If not, remember that you are better off without him.
Now, I hear that you're lonely. Still, please hold out for someone healthy to connect with. It is SO worth it. Going with just anyone will likely attract someone who will just give you grief of some sort and land you right back where you were at the end of your last relationship. Stay the course! Lean on your HP and platonic friendships for companionship. They will support and guide you.
<3
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by dearme 
i m to the point that i d rather be with anyone than by my self. Even if it is not that good behind closed curtains , it still IS real. This loneliness instead is making my life unreal. Am I real here!?!?!?
.
.
My strong suggestion is that you learn to be comfortable with yourself instead of looking for someone else to "complete" you. You are a complete person of your own, but being in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict makes us lose ourselves.
Do you know what kind of food you like? Make it for yourself. Do you know what kind of music you like? Listen to it. Do you know what movies or books you like? Spend some time with those things. What activities do you enjoy? Find a group of people who enjoy those things. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or at a nursing home or hospital or for a political cause that's important to you.
Until you get to know the real YOU, you aren't going to be in a great position to choose a partner who will bring out the best in you.
I broke up with my last partner ten years ago (I recently posted that it was seven years--don't know where that came from). I haven't dated since then. I now enjoy living alone--I enjoy it SO much that I can't imagine giving it up. I'll never say never, but when I was living with an active alcoholic I was TRULY lonely.
If I want company, today, I plan something with friends, or go someplace else where I can be around people. It isn't a sad existence by any means.
The better you make your OWN life, the less you will care what he's doing, and with whom. Honest, you can do this.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi dearme 
If it's of any help, I don't give a damn about what your ex is doing lol I know this is not the healthiest attitude but it's true!! but I care about you.. because I know how it feels, that was me back in 2008 one of the worst years of my life!! dealing with an XABF and his enabler.
No one gets healthy in such a short time. Health is an ongoing commitment. No one changes for another person. One can act for a while indeed but that's not reality, and anyone who is not authentic doesn't bring good things to another person's life.
I'm in a better place now believe me if I could do it, so can you.
Here is a text I like about loneliness/aloneness:
Loneliness/Aloneness
Hugs
If it's of any help, I don't give a damn about what your ex is doing
lol I know this is not the healthiest attitude but it's true!! but I care about you.. because I know how it feels, that was me back in 2008 one of the worst years of my life!! dealing with an XABF and his enabler. No one gets healthy in such a short time. Health is an ongoing commitment. No one changes for another person. One can act for a while indeed but that's not reality, and anyone who is not authentic doesn't bring good things to another person's life.
I'm in a better place now
believe me if I could do it, so can you. Here is a text I like about loneliness/aloneness:
Loneliness/Aloneness
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by dearme
Thank u all for taking the time for replying. It means a lot. Yes it is time to s top thinking of them. I promise it does not happen a lot. From time to time , maybe cos I'm still single. Sometimes i think that problems will be always there in every relationships. In the future I will try my best to make it work cos i m so lonely that i miss to be able to share life. "Happyness real only if shared" ,this just came to mind now. Yes, u r right when u say that nothing is really what it seems but , i m to the point that i d rather be with anyone than by my self. Even if it is not that good behind closed curtains , it still IS real. This loneliness instead is making my life unreal. Am I real here!?!?!?
.
.
Oh DearMe.... The loneliness could be part of what drew you in to a relationship with an alcoholic in the first place? Personally, I know that a part of recovery for us codies is to get good with just ourselves... to sort of be in a loving relationship with ourselves, first, before getting into a relationship with someone else. I do understand the loneliness. But that ache isn't worth just anyone, now is it?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Taking Charge! That was great! I once read a book that talked about this "loneliness" syndrome called "Soul Prints" by Marc Gafni. He had all sorts of interesting views on loneliness, including the one in that article.
Here in the West, we live in an Individualistic society where everything starts with "I", and we promote individual achievements and capabilities. In the East, it is more a Collectivist society, where the needs of the group are put in front of individual needs. Isn't it interesting how loving ones' self is akin to selflessness?
I have been the beggar trying to fill a void for far too many years...
Here in the West, we live in an Individualistic society where everything starts with "I", and we promote individual achievements and capabilities. In the East, it is more a Collectivist society, where the needs of the group are put in front of individual needs. Isn't it interesting how loving ones' self is akin to selflessness?
I have been the beggar trying to fill a void for far too many years...
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