Kimmieh

This is quite long, but I am still working through my co-dependency and now I realize new things because I am in a relationship with a normie (such a cute word)....

So after two long co-dependent relationships and several shorter ones, I am now dating a man who *gasp* does not need fixed. When I was younger I fell for the bad boys I wanted to fix. Then I was in a long relationship with someone who felt stable and all, but who wanted to do everything together and made me feel stifled. But I could not leave because, sheesh, how would he cope without me (he had left our home country to move abroad with me)???

Then 6 or so years with my AXBF (those stories are all over the place here, obviously). I could not LEAVE him! He needed me!

Then two brief dating episodes, one with a man who I am now sure has Schizoid Personality Disorder (but hey, I was SURE I could make him a nice person! And I was so flattered that he was nice to me!). The other had very mild autism. He was a darling and we got along well, but I could not see long-term potential. I felt like I had to be in charge of and control too many things (again...). But with him, I could finally leave. I did not stay because "he needed me." I knew he, and all the others before him, will get on just fine without him. I broke up, he was very understanding and we are on friendly terms. That was HUGE progress.

Then I was single for a little while. For the first time in my life I was not yearning for a man in my life. I just did my thing. And then I met this guy and he swept me off my feet entirely. I had known him for a few years, but the possibility of dating him never crossed my mind. He is stable, responsible, conscientious, and in total control of his life. Why would he want to date me - he does not need me for anything!

So now we are dating and it's funny how a healthy relationship shows me what all is wrong with me. I am still so insecure. He is so in love with me. He thinks I am amazing, smart, fun, cute, sweet, etc. He texts regularly, we skype once a week and sometimes more often and I can get in touch any time I feel insecure. But how can he not OBSESS over me? Tell me I am his soulmate and love of his life and we NEED each other or we will wither away??? How is it possible that he does not want to spend every waking moment talking to me??? Oh right - he has a job and he sees his family and friends. He studies to take professional exams. He works hard now to have time to enjoy the time with me.

It's a long-distance relationship and when we are together, we have so much fun, we have long conversations, we go out to eat, the movies, he always drives (because I love the break after years and years of being the only sober driver in the household), we are planning to meet each other's friends, I have the occasional beer (whaaa??? Oh right, I don't have to drive), I can tell him what I need and he will attend to it, he makes me dinner, brings me ice cream, we take interest in each other's hobbies. It's all so wonderful and exciting and SAFE, but I still feel insecure and the other day I realized why. He does not need me. He is with me because he loves me and loves being with me and loves to make me happy. He loves me just as much as I love him. I can do things for him and help him with personal growth (and vice versa), but it's not a matter of making/keeping someone functional. It's purely to make each other better people and live a life together.

I think I should see a therapist because I would love to get to the point at which I can just accept that I am worthy of someone's love for who I am, not for what I can do for them and not for taking care of them and their lives...What a concept....

dandylion

KIM...what is wrong with balanced interdependency?

dandylion

Kimmieh

Nothing at all . I just still can't wrap my head around someone who wants me for me, not because he needs me to fix or enable himself.

dandylion

Kimmieh....I hear that...lol!
You seem to be l ooking at your self with a more critical filter that others (he) does.

I wounder, if you really dig into your earlier life...if you couldn't identify a point in time when you received a message that you, in some way, didn't measure up. That, maybe, you were defective in some way..that you..just you...were not good enough unless you pleased others by being useful to them in some ways?
Just saying that you may have received that message, either consciously or unconsciously, and internalized that at a young age. Then, it becoming a tape that plays in the back of your head.

That happened to a LOT of us, you know....

dandylion

Readreadread

I am dating now too and realizing a lot about myself... We are kind, respectful and loving to each other and it is amazing and I rejoice that this is possible. I am trying hard not to over analyze and just enjoy the relationship. Sometimes I future trip or feel abandonment but I have tools to cope now.. Thank goodness. I also know what is and is not acceptable and love myself enough to walk away if ever I will need to. I still seey therapist, I acutally have 2. it's nice to have someone to talk to about these new emotions that come up. I told my new friend that I am still healing and a work in progress and he 100% understands. Good luck and everyone deserve to be in a loving and healthy relationship.

NWGRITS

It is freeing and terrifying to know that someone is with you because they want to be, not because they have some unhealthy need to be. It's also freeing and terrifying to know that you are with someone because you want to be, and you don't hyperventilate after every conversation because God knows what they're going to go do now. It took me a long time to finally get comfortable with stable, comfortable, loving Mr. Grits. But he was so patient and understood that I had some serious ish to work out before I could commit fully. Wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Healthy feels great. Congrats!

Kimmieh

I absolutely am. He knows my faults and flaws and STILL thinks I am amazing. I honestly wish I could just accept that and not question why.

I wonder about this...I have a very supportive family, but there is dysfunction there. I should really make an effort to find a therapist I am comfortable with. This relationship brings some other things to the forefront that I need to address with a therapist anyway.

I know my partner wants kids and I can't have them, which I told him before the first date. I had cancer at 32, so I cannot get pregnant anymore. He is not worried about it. He says there are ways, but that is hard for me to accept, also because he is quite a bit younger. I really resisted this relationship (for the longest time I did not even understand that he was interested), but he was so gentle and sweet and he is so smitten with me despite knowing so much about me and my neuroses that I finally gave in. He is so sure about us and tells me that I bring so much joy into his life and make him so happy. I just wish I could see what he sees. Actually, when we are together I sometimes can. It's when we are apart that I start to fall into old patterns of feeling inadequate and damaged.


Thank you! I am working on my coping strategies and realize that self-care is the very best thing - lots of yoga, for example. You are right, it's a work in progress, especially after having derived self-worth from being needed for so long.

This is reassuring...it has only been three months (although I have known from a bit of a distance and through some conversation for years) and I need to relax a bit. He is so steady and reassuring and taking things at a good slow pace and I am so perplexed and confused somehow.

I mean, he goes to get something from the store and is back within 30 minutes? He does not disappear all night and shows up completely wasted the next morning? NO WAY WHAT?

That was the hardest part for me with my AXBF, the constant anticipation of the next thing - will I find him passed out in the hallway, do I need to clean up the mattress, will I get a call from jail, will he spit in my face because he is mad and cry the next morning because he is so sorry, etc. We have been physically separated for over two years now and I have not seen him in all this time, yet when he calls I still get panicky and when he says he has bad news or is drunk, I am near a panic attack. There is still some recovery ahead for me...

CodeJob

Hi Kimmieh,

When I read your post, I immediately thought of this brief story Cheryl Strayed tells about her early days with her eventual 2nd husband. I was able to find the link to the essay. It deals with much more than dealing with being broken, but I hope you read it. These essays are so divine they were published as A book.

DEAR SUGAR, The Rumpus Advice Column #63: The Magic Of Wanting To Be - The Rumpus.net

dandylion

Kimmieh....as I am reading your post, I am identifying with the similarity between your relationship (some parts of it) and the relationship that I had which was the most painful break-up of my entire life.

He was lovely. we were in the same profession and shared so much. He pursued me...adored me. There was a significant age difference (he was younger--but people couldn't tell unless they were informed). I had three children and he had none. I had had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, at one time, and probably couldn't conceive. I shared these fears with him..from the beginning...I actually resisted the involvement for about 3 months. He assured me that we could adopt children and that I was just practicing "ageism" in my concern about the age thing. That it absolutely didn't matter, to him.
To shorten this story...life went along beautifully for the next 3 1/2 years. He was in medical school at the time, and it was planned that we would marry after he was established in his residency. He was great with my kids and they loved having a guy to do so many things with.
Towards graduation time, I could feel that something was amiss...nothing outward, of course...just a feeling. I asked him several times about this, but, he put it off as just the stress of landing the right residency, etc....
Then, one day, he sat me down, and told me that he knew he would never find another person to love as much as he loved me...but, that he wanted to have his own children and that he knew he would never be content if he was to give up that possibility. He said that he knew it wasn't fair to stay with me if he was feeling that way. He broke down sobbing as he was telling me this. I was in shock.
6wks. later, he left for his plastic surgery residency of 4 more years---in another city.
The pain and anguish that I suffered is similar to the stories of heartbreak that one reads here, on the forum, all the time.

Kimmieh...I just felt compelled to share my story with you. There were just so many comparisons.

dandylion

***tune in later, ...for the rest of the story....

Kimmieh

Thank you, Code! This part really hit home:

I remember when my boyfriend first told me he was interested and wanted to go on a date, my first reaction was literally "OMG, but I am a MESS!" And he said something along the lines of "I like you and I want to get to know you." He did not indulge my negativity. He acknowledged that I might be a mess, but insisted that I am so much more. Whenever I put myself down, he says "you are putting down a person I think is really amazing. What would you tell someone who said this about someone else?" And when I told him about my body issues, he said something along the lines of "just be your confident self - that is so attractive."

He listens when I tell him about the bad stuff, but he doesn't dwell on it and he doesn't pry. I have been feeling insecure about THAT, too (OMG doesn't he want to get to know ALL about me??). Reading that article I think really made me realize that for him, it's all part of the package and he likes ME, not just a part of me. Like I like HIM.

And when we are together, sometimes these thoughts pop into my head "wow, I am really funny. who knew!" or "I look really good" without him prompting these. So there might be progress.

He also teaches me that there is life beside him. I tend to latch on and make my life center around men and my exes have done the same. He does not make me his life, he makes me PART of his life.

Thank you again for the link! I have to check out more by her! Apparently she gets me thinking!

lillamy

This is the amazing insight I had when I started dating my now-husband, too. It's quite the adjustment, and it IS hard to not feel insecure after a series of relationships with "fixer-uppers" who were obsessively telling me how they couldn't live without me.

I'm finally getting to the point where I can enjoy being cared for, rather than being the one doing all the catering. Having someone pamper you when you're sick, bring you dinner when you're studying for an exam, take your kids out for ice cream when you're tired and just need to be alone... it feels like a fairy tale after living in dysfunction.

It's hard to trust that it's real. But when I got to the point of realizing it is, and that he won't leave because I'm grumpy or irritable, he won't leave because the kids are being little heathens, he won't leave -- not because he feels obligated but because I actually have qualities that make him want to be with me... that's pretty awesome.

Kimmieh

Thank you for sharing, dandylion. This is a real possibility, of course, and I think about it all the times. I can only trust, for now, that he has thought this through (and he is a person who does not make life-changing decisions lightly). I actually joke about it at times because I don't want it to be the elephant in the room and eventually we will need to have the conversation about what exactly we will do.

I have always wanted to adopt kids and never had a desire to have my own. Part of that might have been that I was never with men whose babies I wanted (I could see myself having them with him), but mostly my heart has always gone out to children without stable homes and I have several friends who adopted and are so grateful they did.

Something eerie happened recently. When I visited my boyfriend, I also went to see very good friends who live in the area. One friend has one child of her own and had two very traumatic miscarriages. When I told her I will visit, she said "oh, you can meet the kids!" I had no idea that she is fostering to adopt. She is doing exactly what I have always wanted to do and I learned about it exactly when I started to feel anxious about the baby situation. She told me it was so hard at first and she cried every day, but that it is amazing how quickly you fall in love with them and they are just yours. The adoption will be finalized in April. I met her kids and they are so lovely. She and I have never talked about each other's struggles with fertility until now and met up exactly when I needed this possibility presented to me as not to dwell on what I can't have. Like something was reminding me of what I have always wanted for ME and that there is still MY OWN path and my own life.

I have thought about breaking up and "letting him go," but there is too much potential for a truly lovely life together and I am too curious to see where it goes and I am enjoying it way too much. So I have to be aware, and should this continue the way it is going, we will eventually have to have a conversation about what we can/should do and he has to seriously ask himself what he wants (I am 40, so whether adoption or surrogacy, I don't have forever to move forward although for now I need to work on myself more). In the meantime, I need to work more on me to keep remembering that my happiness is of my own creation and that even if he decides he wants what I can't give him, I can keep going my own path. If it ends, it was part of my process. I am nothing if not resilient.

But I think, apart from this, we are a great match, so I refuse to let the damn cancer ruin that, too, for now.

Kimmieh

YES! I think this is what throws me for a loop - he CAN live without me and he doesn't pretend he can't. Does not compute in codie-brain!

It's nice to read that it eventually happens and you do get to that point.

CodeJob

That is exactly the section Kimmieh! Glad I found it for you. Enjoy Cheryl Strayed aka Dear Sugar.

Kimmieh

I just told my AXBF that I met someone. He has always had high hopes about us getting back togther and there was a time late last year during which I seriously considered. He kept talking about moving close to where I am, etc., so I finally had to tell him today that there is no future for us.

I think he is really shaken up about it and now I feel like a horrible person, which of course I am not. He really wanted us to get back together and start our life again. I remember when I broke up a few years ago, I told him I will reconsider if he is one year sober. I just now told him that he is still drinking, so there is no hope. I should have never even considered going back to him. He is a great person, but a sick person and the relationship made me sick, too.

But I can't help but feel horrible for making someone sad. And I wonder if that is not also some kind of co-dependent narcissism? Oh dear, the poor man, how will he live without me?? He will live without me just fine. That's how. I gave him six years with him drinking, he could not give me one year sober.

I am just rambling to process this...This ended two years ago and I should have never let it flare up again (all from a distance - I have not seen him in two years).

So just let it go, right? Why do I feel so bad?

LexieCat

I'm kind of the same way. Even when I know I've TOTALLY done the right thing, I hate to feel like the source of pain. I don't like anyone (even people I can't STAND) to feel rejected by me. Maybe it's because I hate feeling rejection so much, myself, and I have a little too much empathy for how it feels.

The fact is, though, there was no way you were going back to him, and in the long run it's better not to give him false hope. I think you'll just have to keep telling yourself that you did the right thing and eventually you'll let it go.

Kimmieh

Thank you, Lexie! Yes, I do hate to cause pain, but I keep reminding myself that he WILL be ok and this is the best possible scenario for me to close this chapter once and for all (he has a very tight support network and a lot of family nearby).

I find myself mourning a bit. I think when I broke up the first time, it was with the understanding that it is more of a break. Now it's final and if I am honest with myself, I am a bit heartbroken.

velma929

" I had cancer at 32, so I cannot get pregnant anymore."

A local newscaster had cancer. She battled it, moved away for a while, came back, got married, and *surprise* got pregnant and had a baby. She had dabbled with a different career in the health care industry.

Now at age 64, she teaches yoga and some 'senior fit' class at a health club.