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Let me be the bigger person here

Old 02-21-2015, 07:15 PM
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Let me be the bigger person here

I am really trying to be the bigger person but, honestly, he makes it so hard. Today our son spent the day with STBXAH. I went out and got a pedicure and did lunch with friends. My son texts me and asks if they can come and get the dog so that dad can see the dog for a bit. Sure, no problem.

Then, my son texts me a few hours later and asks if I can put a gallon baggie of dog food together and that he'll be coming home in an hour. Ok, so no problem so far. I figured that maybe he wanted to be prepared for the future for the next time the dog comes over because I asked if he would watch the dog when we travel for tournaments.

My son walks in the door and he's alone. Where's the dog? Oh, dad decided to keep the dog overnight since he knew we'd be on the other side of town for most of tomorrow.

Honestly, it's not really a problem. What bothers me is that he used our son as a communication device and that he didn't ask me ahead of time.

This will definitely come up in mediation. I get that he's hurting. I'm guessing maybe he thinks he's hurting me with this one. I don't know. I'm just trying really hard to see it as one more thing I need to pick my battles about and be wise. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal but it does show a pattern of behavior and it does show me who he really is....
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Old 02-21-2015, 07:51 PM
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Ewe... sorry

Stick to picking your battles. Meditation is no fun. And using a child to communicate is definitely a no no. Meditation will agree
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Old 02-21-2015, 09:21 PM
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Yep, he's crossed a boundary there and you're quite right to feel miffed. It can start with little things, and escalate if you don't call a halt.
Just wondering why you have to feed the dog if he's decided to look after it? Anyway, you'd be well within your rights to tell your son you'll need to speak to AH directly if this comes up in future. It will get less awkward.
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Old 02-22-2015, 06:39 AM
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I'm tempted to just show up at his doorstep this AM and say, "I'm here for the dog!" Completely unannounced, LOL. But I won't. I have to set our next appointment with the mediator soon. STBXAH had the appraiser over yesterday so I know that his refinance is in the works.

I also found out that he's going back home to the east coast next weekend(leaving on Thursday) for 5 days. I got the email from the airline(he hasn't updated his email with a lot of companies yet), I wonder when he was planning on telling me that he won't be around for 5 days?
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Old 02-22-2015, 07:12 AM
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liz....you all are separated and headed for divorce, now. Time to stop the bickering...and detangle yourselves from each other's lives...(except where ABSOLUTELY necessary).
Move his hoola hoop far away from your hoola hoop.

Ask yourself "how important is it"? If life and limb are not in jeapordy, I suggest that it is not that important.

LOL...it may take some time to get used to NOT being irritated at him all the time.

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Old 02-22-2015, 07:31 AM
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Liz,
The best thing my XAH did was change the passwords, facebook, email and phone. I didn't feel that at the time, but me monitoring everything kept me in the hole. So the less i knew the better.

I get it about the dog. My X as taken the dog multiple times since our divorce in October. He really does miss her. No kids at home and no dog. Even on Valentines the X sent me a text that said "Happy Valentines day. Its lonely with no one and no dog."

So I do get it, He made his bed and he has to lay in it. I would be devastated to have to give up my dog. So try and find a little compassion as it is hard for even the A. Sorry not what you want to hear, but its probably good for the dog to see his daddy also.!!
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Old 02-22-2015, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
Liz,
The best thing my XAH did was change the passwords, facebook, email and phone. I didn't feel that at the time, but me monitoring everything kept me in the hole. So the less i knew the better.

I get it about the dog. My X as taken the dog multiple times since our divorce in October. He really does miss her. No kids at home and no dog. Even on Valentines the X sent me a text that said "Happy Valentines day. Its lonely with no one and no dog."

So I do get it, He made his bed and he has to lay in it. I would be devastated to have to give up my dog. So try and find a little compassion as it is hard for even the A. Sorry not what you want to hear, but its probably good for the dog to see his daddy also.!!
I know this and I thought I said in the first message that I get it and that I would have been OK with it. I know he misses the dog. My issue was about how he used our son to do the work for him. I am not going to say anything to him.

I do need to remind him to change his email settings for the airline, though. He and I have both fixed most of our responsibilities on those things but I'm sure there will be things that we both forget as we move forward. I don't have his passwords or anything for much now, except for the mortgage and cell phone.
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Old 02-22-2015, 11:57 AM
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Pick your battles. As you said, this really isn't a big problem so if you can just let it go until your next mediation, that's a good thing.
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Old 02-22-2015, 03:27 PM
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Why they use the kids to communicate always puzzles me, there's absolutely no need for it.
Just document it as another example.
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Old 02-23-2015, 06:45 AM
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Liz, every time my X has done this, I call him and address it. I do it nicely, just saying something along the lines of hey, can you communicate this with me instead of the kids just to make sure we are all on the same page?

He was receptive b/c I made sure to feel like I was not "blaming" him. Even though I do. I have just learned that there is a certain way to communicate with him if I want things done effectively. Sad, but true.
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Old 02-23-2015, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Liz, every time my X has done this, I call him and address it. I do it nicely, just saying something along the lines of hey, can you communicate this with me instead of the kids just to make sure we are all on the same page?

He was receptive b/c I made sure to feel like I was not "blaming" him. Even though I do. I have just learned that there is a certain way to communicate with him if I want things done effectively. Sad, but true.
I had to do that last night when I asked him if he wanted to see our son next weekend (yeah, I know...he was going to be out of town). He said, "Oh sorry, I figured that G would have told you I was going to MD for 5 days to finish up some family business."

I asked him to communicate directly with me, even if it's just a short text because teenagers don't know if they are supposed to tell stuff or not in these situations and sometimes they forget. I even wished him safe travels and was trying very hard to be nice.
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Old 02-23-2015, 07:15 AM
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You did the right thing. It's hard to do, but effective in communicating. I have said some things to my X this week that have been much more cooperative and kind that he will ever deserve. Thing is, the outcome of that is much better for me and my children, so it's worth it.

XXX
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