TerpGal

I spent the night before last crying myself to sleep wondering why I am so defective. I receieved a glowing and I do mean GLOWING 90 day performance review from my new job and instead of feeling good about myself I was embarrassed and couldn't really believe any of the comments. My boss must just trying to be nice. Why can't I take it like a normal ass person and just he proud of myself and accept that I AM a valuable person with a lot to offer. It makes me so incredibly sad that I am THIS defective.

I just feel like at work, and with RAH, I give so much to my patients. I give so much to RAH and I am exhausted. I mean, I know I ave to ASK for things but at what point does it just come down to that you have an inconsiderate partner? My RAH KNOWS because I have told him numerous times that I am too stressed to deal with the taxes this year. I have done them every other year out of necessity (read him being drunk). I am too stressed out (and work too weird hours) to be the main point person for our bk lawyer yet I still get all the damn emails. I mean I don't know how more plainly I can say these things, yet he just doesn't step up. Ugh.

CodeJob

Shut down that negative self chatter Terp.
Make copies of that review and paste it up at home until you accept your boss thinks you are a good worker. This outside person has perhaps a worthwhile viewpoint to offset your negative interior view.

As for taxes, can you two meet and just get them organized together? Maybe instead of whining just make it happen with both of you roped in at once?

Peace in your head Terp. You deserve it.

Overcomer4

I understand this so well.....At church one day the pastor was talking about labels and how we label ourselves and I went home thinking I don't have any labels? Well guess what I do....the next day I was looking in the mirror after a very hard day and though I am so damaged and I fought that and said no I am REBUILT! At work and on my mirror I have a name tag that says hello my name is....REBUILT! The funny thing it has actually helped other people in my office.....

You are a beautiful talented person DO NOT LET negativity creep in and take your crown!

Seren

I'm sorry you had such a rough night, TerpGal. I wish instead of crying yourself to sleep you had logged on here and talked to us about it. I find turning to my support network really helps!!

This x 10 at least. In my world, when I say things like that to myself, I'm guaranteed to keep feeling bad about myself. I used to really have a hard time accepting compliments. I had to practice accepting compliments!

If someone would say something nice and complimentary to me, my first reaction used to be to put myself down. Now, I simply say "Thank you! That is very kind of you to say!"

You are not defective....you aren't an appliance or a car! You are a person with feelings and emotions that have been shaped by past experiences. It takes time to learn new responses.

I hope today is a bit brighter for you!

Jane11

Hi TerpGal, sorry to hear you are feeling this way and I hope you are feeling a little brighter now.

I think I can relate to what you are feeling as I have felt the same. Before axbf came into my life I thought I was an ok person, good at my job, fairly confident, gave and took compliments well but since him I don't know whether all that was a front or whether I have just been fundamentally changed. If people are nice to me it makes me just want to cry- I'm not even sure why in some cases. I feel as if I am not worthy of good things or nice things or maybe I became so used to the **** I dealt with from him that when someone seems to be genuinely nice or complimentary towards me I just have no idea how to deal with it anymore.

It's hard, sometimes really hard, but you aren't defective, there is nothing wrong with you- infact you are clearly awesome at your job and should feel really proud of that.

Hugs to you, we are worthy and deserving people, and we need to learn to see that.

Seren

How are you doing today, TerpGal?

maia1234

Terp,
When we have such low self esteem for ourselves it is truly hard to believe any compliments we get. You are so over whelmed with "life" that you can't even think straight.

You are a great person, and obviously your working peers think so. Take time to breath and say to yourself "Im not so bad". People do like me and they appreciate what I do. Slowly it will sink in that "I am worthy of that compliment".

(((((((((hugs my friend))))))))))))

fluffyflea

Part of the disease of Co Dependency AND Alcoholism is the constant self destructive self abuse.

Accept the review..........

Mine isn't stepping up either and it is very painful.....

schnappi99

Considerate or not your partner is not responsible for <your> emotional state. I read recently that a negative self view is the flip-side of a self-aggrandizing one. Both are a form of control of oneself or could even call it abuse. It seems to me there is a role for self-care in this- it is necessary to be kind and considerate to oneself and so to be able to extend the same to others. I know from my own experience its a very short step from a negative view of self to the pity party- which is a closed & prejudiced mind.

For months in alanon I'd be surprised when the group responded to my introduction.. like all of a sudden I was visible. At the moment I'm thinking if its the case that others are worthy of respect and consideration then I am too- and the 1st one who has to respect me is myself. And if thats true I cannot allow myself to indulge in self-destructive attitudes- for me right now the biggies in that department are anger and fear. Far as I'm concerned transforming myself is the name of the game and I cannot allow anything in my mind to get in the way.

So for the inconsiderate partner, you can't control them or nag them or argue them into a more agreeable state. Alanon suggests, I think, that it starts with accepting they are what they are and changing yourself and/or your situation to not be in a situation where you're being hurt and/or imposed upon. I do not presume to say its easy. I do apologize if this comes off as flippant or judgey.... I do try for sincerity yet I tend to be distrustful of my instincts they've been so destructive in the past.

hopeful4

Oh Terp, there is nothing wrong with you sweetie. You are in a hard relationship and it wears people down.

Congrats on your glowing review, that is wonderful! I hope you do something kind for yourself to congratulate yourself!

Take it a day at a time, take time to rest, be good to yourself, and try to do everything you can not to be overwhelmed. Sometimes it's a moment at a time, and that is A-OK!

lillamy

Well... you know depression can do that to you. Skews your perspective on everything. Make you hyper focus on the one bad bean in the bag of beans you just bought and that ruins your entire day.

I always felt like positive affirmations were a bunch of hogwash for the feebleminded -- until I left AXH and was struggling to keep my nose above the emotional waterline for what felt like an eternity. I think I felt "above" that kind of stuff -- but once I felt like I was sinking on a daily basis, all bets were off. I was plastering positive affirmations (and a whole lot of quotes from friends here at SR) all over my apartment. People who visited probably thought I had lost my mind.

But I needed those things. I needed the sticky by the mirror that said "images appearing here may be skewed by society's concepts of beauty" and the one by the bed that said "right now, I am safe. My children are safe. Our home is safe." -- and a myriad of others.

I'm not saying "go plaster inane encouragement stickies all over your house." What I'm saying is -- breathe. Take small steps -- even the ones that feel ridiculous. Take every opportunity to catch yourself in doing things you can be proud of. Whether it's "DAMN this is a good cup of coffee I just made!" or "My hair looks really shiny today!" or "Look at how I calmed that patient down!" Write down five things every evening that you did that you can be proud of.

Tell yourself enough times that you're amazing and eventually you will believe it. I'm serious. Fake it till you make it. Because you ARE amazing.

The fact that you were able to get a GLOWING performance review, given ALL the garbage you've been dealing with during that period? Girl, you're a star. You really are. Pat yourself on the back and reward yourself. Whether you feel like you deserve it or not right now. (((hugs)))

Thumper

We are such spin doctors sometimes. We take the facts and we spin them.

You got a glowing recommendation. That is a fact.
You had a flood of emotion at the end of the day. That is a fact.
You are exhausted. That is also a fact.

You are defective? Nope - that is all spin. Sometimes the biggest trick for me is to identify the facts, remove my spin, and proceed.

So in your example I would try to stop the spin and say "I do a good job at work." "My boss values me." "Crying was an emotional release at the end of a long day, that came at the end of a long month, right on the heals of a long year. That is quite normal."

I also used lillamy's idea of posting notes and other meaningful things where I saw them.

I'm sorry you are feeling so exhausted and tapped out. I do know that is a hard place to be and contributes to my tendency to spin things negatively against myself.

9111111

With all the blame-shifting and out of control drama that can come with alcoholism, I started to believe that I "am" a bad person. Whenever people would compliment me on my accomplishments I only thought - "little do they know"..I had internalized the alcoholic's blame and felt a lot of (projected) shame.

The alcoholic roller-coaster teaches us, that after every "high" comes the next "low", so isn't it just "natural" and human to not enjoy the "high" (or the positve feelings of a great review), but prepare for the next blow and low?

Congrats on the excellent review