INgal

The realization of the consequences of his actions are becoming very clear to my son. He has envisioned himself getting back to grad school in the medical field which is going to be impossible due to the his record. It's all hitting him at once and he is devastated.

I am so grateful for his month of sobriety but I have such sadness in my heart for him. He feels he will never find happiness because he won't be able to do anything medical related.

I know there is life after this but I feel he needs to lower his expectations. He needs to be happy that he's sober, alive, and employed. He just wanted more. But This isn't hollywood where you can have multiple DUIs and arrests and still star in a blockbuster.

I just wish I could help him. Any words of advice?

dandylion

INgal....I don't know if this will help, but I knew a guy once who was in medical school and decided that he really didn't want the life style that he would have to live to be a successful doctor.
He did happen to be a gifted artist...and he decided to give up medical school and went to a school of design. He ended up being very successful as a medical illustrator and living a life that he was more comfortable in, anyway.
I would also imagine that there are areas where he could apply a "medical" interest in computer program design, etc.
There are probably lots of areas where he could be in supportive fields..but, doesn't have to have a license and have his background scrutinized so very much.
I think medicine is very highly sought because it is so romanticised and people think that there is lots of money to be made. Actually, I have been in it all of my life and I can tell you there is nothing romantic about it. The work is demanding and there are lots of fields that make a lot more money--especially, these days.
I think that if he were to visit a PROFESSIONAL career counselor and explore all the possibilities for careers that exist in this world....it could open his mind up to other career choices that he could embrace just as well.
LOL!...I watch American Idol and The Voice and It is amazing (and sad) to see the ones who don't make it and see them sobbing and utterly "crushed"---they think their life is over because they had the "dream". They just don't realize that there are many paths to happiness in this world. They are just young (for the most part).

I agree with you...that his sobriety should be the greatest thing for him...and that his life is far from over...

dandylion

Thomas45

I know this might not help him right now, but the advice I have for him is that the 'ideal life' that we imagine for ourselves quite often turns out to be not what we expected. Following high school, I figured that I was going to go far as an electronic engineer, until life threw me a curve ball and I realized that I *hated* the work. Now I work as a carpenter, and even though I don't make an absurdly high salary, I make enough to support myself, and I love the work that I do.

There are so many career paths out there that can lead to self fulfillment, he doesn't have to limit himself to just one.

Stung

Never is such a long time. Maybe he just won't be attending grad school or med school next semester. Once upon a time I looked into med school for myself and I read from many sources that it was actually favorable to have some life experience going into med school rather than just going straight from undergrad. Maybe his life isn't going to play out exactly as he has imagined it.

In regards to your son working in the medical field…he's been sober for a month. Why tackle everything so quickly? Maybe focus on sobriety only for now and after, I don't know, a year of sobriety, look into med school again. OR maybe by then he'll have discovered that he has other interests besides medicine.

Spacegoat

Hi guys just though I'd pitch in. Yeah I can kinda relate, I had a lot of aptitude in school I was in a high achiever program and all that. Always thought I would end up working in a professional sphere of some sort. Anyhoo I kind of spun out with drink and drugs, barely finished school and never went to college as I had a few legal problems and more besides. Even still, I thought I might always be able to go back someday to train and maybe become a counselor or something similar I would be good at that.

Now that I'm sobered up and just turned 31 I realize, its never going to happen is it. I have a bunch of criminal convictions (all alcohol related), an extensive medical record after being to rehab, had a mental breakdown etc, I haven't worked in a few years. Yet I feel more able than I ever have been, its a shame really. It wouldn't bother me but for the fact I have 2 kids, they are getting older now and I'm freaking out. I have nothing, I own nothing, I'm sleeping in somebody else's house. I can't fully commit to my artistic endeavors because I'm always freaking out about security for the kids long term. It's a mess alright. Money isn't everything in life. Although it is at the stage I'm at unfortunately. We need it to live a good life in this world and to be responsible.

I don't know how old your son is but if he hasn't got the same worries as me he should just go and enjoy his life, I know I would. He can do anything still, maybe even medicine if he so wishes. It's a really tough career though I read a lot about it...

Jenibean87

I would have him do some long and hard research on exactly what is preventing him from getting his license. Many many of the things that apply to getting licensed in one state do not apply in others. It could be a simple as a move.

But, I agree with the above posters who recommend encouraging him to focus on his sobriety for the next year or so, then thinking about reapplying to med-school. Highly intelligent people can become motived beyond their means, you know? One thing at a time.

PAWS may have something to do with his depression also. If that's a contributing factor, it will take some time to get his emotional baseline readjusted.

LexieCat

I don't think he's probably out of the running for med school forever because of one DUI. He might have to wait a few years and then reapply, with a good record of sobriety and conscientious behavior in the meantime. I'm not making light of it, but I don't think it bars him for good, necessarily. Here's a fairly credible source: US News & World Report.

Mango blast

February 21, from a daily reader:

Are you or other family members going to Alanon and is your son going to AA? Great places to be, with many good people who understand. Working the steps along with a sponsor can be life changing.

Rather than lowering expectations, recovery can bring about great things we never expected. One Day at a Time.

May you and your son find peace, hope and much love. I wouldn't wish this disease on my greatest enemy, and yet for all that our family is learning, I am glad and thankful for what we've learned and continue to learn each day. Learning how to support my husband without enabling has been a journey in my own healing.

Does your son live nearby? Do you have regular contact with him?

INgal

Wow, you are all so wonderful. I hope I can pay it forward down the line.

Stratman, thank you for your insight. I appreciate it more than you know. I can see that sobriety is but one piece of the puzzle. Believe in yourself; you have much to give.and the fact that your kids are your #1 priority proves it.

Keeping the Faith, yes, he lives with us and he is in an IOP now. They have placed him on several meds. They are trying to find out the root of his problems. This DUI is not an isolated incident. We have pulled him out of bars for years, picked up his car, Tracked him, restricted him...all the crazy stuff...yet he always found a way. Miraculously he did graduate college last May with honors but the drinking progressively got worse. I'm finally learning to back off. I thank you for wishing him peace-it's the one thing he never seems to find.

dandy and Thomas, you are both SO right. I think the profession is noble, but very romanticized. It's great to be ambitious but I am a realist and I hate seeing him set himself up for more problems. It would certainly be worse if he went through all of this and then relapsed with a huge loan, plus the pain of embarrassment.

Stung & Jeni...yes..what is the rush? I think it's an effort to move on and a way to avoid the intruding thoughts of all the legal BS coming up. He never wants to be introspective, at least in front of his family. I think sh shares more with his doctors.

Lexi, thank you. I will let him know, but I want him to table this stuff until he's absolutely ready. He is a stubborn 25 y.o. ! Thank you!

charis78

Has he ever considered working in addictions. They often look for people who have had life experiences and there is still a medical aspect to it and helping others.

Eddiebuckle

INgal,

I understand the desire to help your son, but this is his journey. Two of the things that each recovering A has to work through are accepting the reality of their circumstances and learning how to get through the challenges that every one of us encounter in life. It sounds like he experiencing a classic case of all or nothing thinking: by thinking that one's life is destroyed unless we get that one unattainable thing. This sort of attitude is an excellent prelude to the "F-its" which are merely an excuse to throw in the towel and drink/use because we don't see a fast and easy way to get what we want.

This is an ongoing conversation for him and his sponsor or counselor. This is not your burden to carry, and interceding in this only keeps him from learning how to live life on life's terms without drinking. It takes far longer than four weeks to be able to think and respond rationally to the larger challenges in life. Right now, his issue isn't med school - it's staying sober today. String enough sober todays together and he will be in a place to tackle the questions of what career he chooses and how best to get there.

For now... your best response is: "One day at a time."

hopeful4

I have a friend who has a nursing license despite some serious things on his record. He went through nursing school while being an EMT, had to send in a signed and notorized letter about what he had done and what he has changed since then so the state board would know it would not happen again. He was approved and has his RN.

Maybe your son really needs to investigate what is possible and what is not. There is a lot out there in the medical field.

XXX

Florence

There's still a chance for him. They would want him to show he has the ability to own his mistakes and has successfully undergone treatment for it and can show a pattern of reliability and responsibility.

However, my old BFF was a superstar emergency room nurse who fell hard with an addiction to all kinds of drugs thanks to easy access at the hospital. She was fired last year after being found in the dirty needle room, having shot herself up with a dirty needle and stolen meds.

Traditional medicine isn't always the best career option for addicts.

It's a blessing we have SO MANY options available to us. Let your son handle this one on his own -- he's a grown adult.

Spacegoat

Hey no worries, thats all it is I guess. Sobriety is only a small piece of a complex puzzle in many cases.

I sat the medical entry exam when I was your sons age and failed miserably, that was the end of that particular childhood dream. Which was fine. Unfortunately I don't believe in myself now, I always did and tried to during alcoholism even but it was getting ridiculous by that stage. I've given up on life. I say the kids are my priority, its not a lie but its delusional thinking on my part as I don't see them or have any input in my their lives. Just a hope feind living in dystopia here.

You sound like a cool mom. Lower your expectations and focus on happiness is about as good advice as anyone could get.

FeelingGreat

Ingal, whatever pain he's feeling, however bleak his outlook, please resist the impulse to jump in and rescue him, or take on his burden in any way. Why?
1 He may revert to the parents will fix it way of thinking, without even realising. Of course you may revert to the feeling that you have to fix it as well.
2 You would be showing a lack of confidence in him to solve his own problems.
3 You may be shielding him from the consequences of his addiction, consequences that actually matter deeply to him.

Students who live with the financial and other support of their parents can fall into the habit of relying on them more than is age appropriate. I've seen it with my nieces and nephews, who are wonderful young people, but needed forcible shoving out of the nest.