Cadence57

Jenna,
You sound a lot like me (I am a good candidate for airheads annonymous) - it sounds like perimenopause - are you in your mid to late 30s or older? Have you started "the change" yet? I have found myself to be worse than usual since my hormones started going haywire 9 years ago at the age of 38. I have to write down anything that is imporant and needs to be remembered. I finally signed up for online billpay with my bank - so as long as I put the money in my acct. my bills are paid automatically. I started taking GABA (an amino acid suppliment which is supposed to help the body to produce HGH - Human Growth Hormone - which, in turn, helps restore mental function) It seems to have helped a bit and I've also started taking Ginko Biloba (also for mental awareness)... As long as I REMEMBER to take it, of course...

I also recognize that I am depressed. I'm not sure if it is chemical or situational but it's there. It's not so severe that I can't get out of bed in the morning but it does effect my energy level - my desire to interact with others, my level of responsibility to family and friends. I see the effects and try hard to overcome them. I don't have health ins. so going to a Dr and getting a 'script isn't really an option.

I can see where a combination of depression and menopause could produce severe effects like the ones you're experiencing.

shutterbug

Cadence,

Lord help me if i'm going thru menopause! I'M ONLY 28 and am not even married so no hope of even trying for kids anytime soon!

Seriously though, I don't think that's it, but thanks for sharing. You never know. If I was older, that may have been a big help for me to know about (or be aware of).

Anyway, my doc changed my meds today. He has taken me off of the Effexor and put me on a combo of Zeprexa and Prosac (called Symbyax). Which of course I am nerveous about because many of the side effects are what I'm already dealing with and others are worse (possible death being one). I hate meds, but I also hate living life like this. Actually it can't even be considered living - it's more like trying to survive and barely doing that.

I have to go back to the doc in 10 days. The next few months are going to be extremely difficult. I have accepted that. There's just so much pain. I can't even describe. But I have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan and he has his reasons for me going through this - maybe so I can become well enough someday to become someone else's Angel. I can only hope.

Somehow I have to think "HAPPY" thoughts. Anybody got any?

Prayers! Thank you for the prayers. I need a bombardment of them right now. Cause I will only make it through with God's guidence.

Cadence ( I like that name - very musical), Have you looked into trying to find a free clinic where you live? I live in a pretty small town and one day a week the health department offers free health care to anyone. Area doctors take turns volunteering - I think the each do one day a month or something. I've been to it before when I didn't have insurance and when I did, but couldn't afford the $20 co-pay.

God Bless you all,
Jenna

P.S. WARNING: If I turn into an angry, gripping, monster anytime soon - well, I would like to appologize in advance. I am not like that, but this stuff kicks me over the edge and makes me a very sensitive person so I easily get my feelings hurt and retaliate without thought and end up biting off heads. I have already caught myself doing it to my mom and it's getting worse. And may get really bad before this episode is over.

Magichappens

Hey Jenna,
My happy thoughts center a lot around the people I have met in recovery. My husband is a good guy. But he doesn't have any time or positive input for me right now. I have decided that it's not the end of the world and I have a right to go on living as well as I can. Next week I have a vacation from work. I am planning to spend the bulk of the time with Al-Anon friends, and getting caught up on things that I want to do (cleaning, doctors, etc). There are always positive things we can focus on if we can get the focus off the negative in our life. A few things that help me are positive affirmations. I look at myself in the mirror and talk to myself about the postive aspects of me. Seems small but it works. Another thing is to do something to pamper me. Convincing me to pamper me was a hard sell. It seemed like everyone in my life came first and I never took care of me. Bubble baths, chic flicks, cooking things that I like, phone calls to people in Al-Anon are some of the things I do. It's an effort to turn the focus on me. I pray for help with it, because it seems like my mind doesn't want to mind me all the time. We have to start somewhere. We get so mired in the muck that it seems like we never get a break. I have learned that we have to make breaks. The world won't end if I tell everyone to get bent, I'm taking a bubble bath! Hugs, Magic

hopeforme

Jenna, I am just trying to catch up on all the posts and wanted to say I am sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time right now, please know you are not alone - there are many of us who truly understand.

My fiance suffers from severe bi-polar so as his partner I understand how life altering and devestating this can be...watching someone go from loving life and his career to barely being able to function in the most basic ways.

And then added on top of all of that are the huge A-NON issues we face..that is what I struggle with now. I could and would force myself to help others but the reality is I still do VERY little to help myself....and then comes the guilt and shame and the apathy and lack of energy towards life.....being completely overwhelmed by the smallest task.

I went through a period at work of literally doing almost nothing..for the most part I have been able to move past that but am still not able to put together a productive week.

I put a ton of pressure on myself and I think it is important we all remember "Progress not perfection"

I hope your appointment went well - let us know

Thinking of you

shutterbug

I had a kind of mental break down on the day I last posted in this thread. I volunteered to let my mom and friend take me to a mental health hospital for immediate treatment and medication for the major depressive episode of my bi-polar disorder (I've posted more about this in the mental health forum).

I had been scared at the thought of hospitalization, but it was wonderful. Very peaceful and relaxing. There were some really crazy people there and some not so crazy, but I learned a lot and believe that is where my HP wanted me to be at that time. It was good for me

I'm back now and on short-term disability from work for the next 5 weeks to get stabalized on the medications. Most days I'm a zombie who can barely talk or get out of bed. I'm still scared about the future with this disorder, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

I'll keep you posted.
Love you guys ,
Jenna

TinyVoice

all those things you described.......problems with work, not being able to get up, can't remember anything.........me too me too.

it's scary. but part of my problem is too that all those things get worse when i am involved with someone that is not good for me or puts too mnay demands on me. I think. I am just trying to figure all this out.

My mom was an incest survivor and mentally and physically abused as well so there was a lot going on in our family and it affected all of us in our lives.

lots of mental illness in my mom's family too. huge hugs to us both and to all that deal with depression and other mental illnesses.

shutterbug

Thanks for caring. I need to feel cared about righ now. When I'm in an unhealthy relationship at least there are times I feel truely loved and even though I always give more than I get back........I don't know, I miss being in a relationship with a man I love. It's only been about 2 months since I broke it off, but so much is going on with me right now, that I really wish I had one very close person in my life. Don't get me wrong, my family and so many friends and angels have been life savers for me, but there is still that void.

I've tried filling it with Al-anon, food, spending, being around my nephews who I adore, sleep, new meds, prayer, faith and a healthy outlook for the future, but nothing seems to really be filling it. It does temporarily. The rapid cycling mood swings I'm having...well I don't know if I can handle them. I don't even know if I writting all this in my own thread or someone elses'. If this is someone elses' thread I am sorry. I'm in a depressive state right now. My moods have been changing daily and sometimes from minute to minute - for the past week on these meds.

I'm staying with my sister and her family and while it's a good thing that I'm not alone right now... I still FEEL more alone than if I was really at my own house alone. Hope that makes sense. They live a pretty normal life and it's making me feel more abnormal by the hour. Her, her husband and twin sons are all asleep, like most of the rest of the world. I'm so tired of life. I'm so tired of feeling empty.

I'm like a vegitable right now. I'm not doing anything in life. I finally have time off from work and no energy or brain power to even think about starting on even one of the many projects I've been wanting to work on. Such guilt. Such a feeling of uselessness and a burden to others and stupid.

At least when I'm in a disfunctional relationship (which I don't know any other kind) then I can at least focus on trying to be of help to someone. I can focus on them and love them instead of thinking about all this negative stuff about myself. Believe me - it's much better that way. I can function that way.

When I have the demands of others on my shoulders then I am out doing things, contributing to society, helping others, bettering myself for a future with them, etc.

I was also molested by my uncle when I was 5 or 6. I only remember one time and I told and had to go to court and he went to prison for many years. It still haunts me. I haven't seen him since he went to prison. For a long time, I felt guilt for my cousins having to grow up without their father and I still kinda do even though I know it wasnt' my fault. I was suppose to photography my cousins wedding Saturday, but couldn't because I ended up in the hospital. I found out later that he was there and am glad I didn't go. I wasn't even thinking about it when I told my cousin yes to the job. I didn't even think about his dad being there.

Anyway, verbal abuse has been thrown at me my whole life from every direction.

I love children so very much and I pray God allows me the chance and the miracle of having a child with a special person some day, but I think I'm so screwed up that maybe I should never have children. I mean, recovery is one thing, but should I really subject another innocent child to this cruel and unloving world?

I feel I'm about to fall off of my co-dependant recovery wagon and call one of my abusive alcoholic ex's to come back. I loose my family support then, but I have family support now and I don't feel any better about anything right now. One of my ex's would jump at the chance to live with me again because he was my love and best friend for 4 years, but my whole family hates him because even though he kept the house spotless, he didn't work very often. Leaving the financial problems for me to deal with. The other one is a walking time bomb that will end up destroying my life if I let him back in right now. He has to find recovery for a lot of things before I want to allow that. But wanting and doing are two different things and in my weak moments I want to call and feel loved by him.

What a slice of life I've been given. I feel like it was left rotting in the dumpster for two weeks in the middle of summer and swarming with flies until a rat ate half of it. Then God said for whatever reason..."augh, I know this spirit can handle it. We don't have any good slices left so we'll just give her this one and see if she gets sick and dies from it or if she can tough it out."

Sorry so morbid, but that's how I'm feeling right now. Like no one gives a ****.

cwohio

jenna - hang in there - we're all pulling for a recovery that will make you feel whole again!

hugs - ceohio

Veronica

I consider myself a dry drunk - I have addiction in my family (my grandfather & uncle were alcoholics and my brother was an addict; my grandfather has passed, the other two are in recovery). I didn't drink alcohol until I was 24 (I'm now 30). Shortly after my first drink, I drank every chance I could and when I couldn't, alcohol was all I thought about. I noticed the change right off the bat and, given my family history, I decided to be extremely vigilent about my drinking - at that time, I didn't give it up, but I monitored when I was drinking, why and how much. That worked until just recently. Ironically, I married an alcoholic (had no idea until about 6 months into our marriage). Seeing him struggle with alcohol, I thought "what's the point?" and I gave it up. The reason I consider myself a dry drunk - the more stressed I get, the more I want to drink. I'm so afraid of what might happen if I start, that I refuse to take that first drink. My AH moved out yesterday and all I could think about was getting plastered - and I haven't had a drink in 6 months (or cravings in 2 months). Thanks for letting me share.

Magichappens

Hey Veronica,
Welcome to SR. There is a lot of love and support here. If you have or have had a problem with alcohol, or you feel like drinking but don't want too, please check out the Alcoholism forum. There are a lot of people who are going through the same thing, and you don't have to go through it alone. Here at SR, we all share our experience, strength and hope with each other. It gives us the courage and strength to get throught our struggles. I don't have experience with having my own problem with alcohol, so I can't begin to tell you how to get through it. I can say that I have a lot of friends at SR that are successfully staying sober, and that they have answers that might help you. You are welcome to post in any forum, but I highly recommend that you check that one out. You don't have to deal with this alone. Hugs, Magic

Gabe

Priceless Magic.

shutterbug

Welcome Veronica and good luck in your recovery.
Gabe, thanks for the reminder. I too chuckled at that line! It's a great one that I MUST remember.

shutterbug

Tiny, you might want to take a peak into the mental health forum if you haven't done so already. A lot of people in there know what it's like to suffer from depression. That forum has helped me out in so many ways as I have been coming to terms with my manic/depressive disorder.

Things too get worse for me when I have too many demands put on me or am with someone who I allow to treat me badly, but if you still have depressed feelings even when things are going well then you might want to talk to your doctor about it and see what he says. Mental illness can be generational so the fact that there is mental health issues on your mom's side of the family, means you may be more likely to suffer from clinical depression or other things and the sooner you can identify if this is your situation then the better because the right medications can help us feel so much better. Just some things to think about. Feel free to message me any time.

God Bless,
Jenna