Picking and choosing rules in rehab
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Blue, thanks for the reminder that communication goes both ways!
I spoke to him about a month ago regarding the poker games he attends and that the drinking there makes me uncomfortable, and the discussion led to him totally shutting down, getting defensive, and saying that I "ruined our night". I'll own that I tend to have a no-nonsense attitude towards this stuff, and that may have contributed to his shutting down. His logic is, "the more they drink, the more money I make." He sees it as a, uhm, business decision.
I followed up that conversation with a long message a few weeks later, hoping to articulate more clearly what I was thinking and feeling without the pressure of direct confrontation. No response at all, and I never asked about it. Again, more one-sided communication...it must seem more like he is being reprimanded instead of feeling open to a discussion. I don't think I'll try again.
The meddler in me realllly wants to call him out to his counselor. I'm trying to keep in mind that that only helps ME and his program is not my program to work. Tempting though.
I spoke to him about a month ago regarding the poker games he attends and that the drinking there makes me uncomfortable, and the discussion led to him totally shutting down, getting defensive, and saying that I "ruined our night". I'll own that I tend to have a no-nonsense attitude towards this stuff, and that may have contributed to his shutting down. His logic is, "the more they drink, the more money I make." He sees it as a, uhm, business decision.
I followed up that conversation with a long message a few weeks later, hoping to articulate more clearly what I was thinking and feeling without the pressure of direct confrontation. No response at all, and I never asked about it. Again, more one-sided communication...it must seem more like he is being reprimanded instead of feeling open to a discussion. I don't think I'll try again.
The meddler in me realllly wants to call him out to his counselor. I'm trying to keep in mind that that only helps ME and his program is not my program to work. Tempting though.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It might FEEL like it's helping you, but it's really that momentary quick-fix we get from scratching the itch. In the long run, I don't think "outing" him to his counselor would do you a bit of good in terms of learning to focus on your own issues. Wouldn't help him either, but it REALLY wouldn't help you.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Jenibean87 
However, I do hear what the responses are regarding working my own recovery instead of messing with his. I wasn't sure that this issue was necessarily under that umbrella, but I can see how it is. It's a tough line between having a conversation about fears/concerns between a couple and full-on meddling. I was trying to figure out a way to stay on the healthy side of that line. Looks like you guys think that's not really possible?
Shorthand from my daughter -- IDK, IDC. Stands for I don't know, I don't care.
That is IDK, IDC if it is possible for me to screw around on the A-side things.
My side is where MY action, MY path, and My concern all are.
A-side has Their OWN T, Their OWN Sponsor, Their OWN Program, Their OWN success, or Their OWN failure.
And things are Plenty Busy on THIS side of the line, at least for me.
Is that not how things really are in your case, too?
You follow that No One here is scolding you or telling you -- Bad, Bad?
It is just that -- FIX YOU, FIRST -- is Better, Better.
(and has just about nearly nothing to do with (or without) an A)
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
I know some recovery programs and philosophies that believe that addiction is a maladaptive behavior and not a medical condition. They then tell the significant other to treat their addicted loved ones as children or pets and to reward or punish their good and bad behaviors. Personally, I find this very degrading.
It sounds like your husband is in an evidence based program that follows the scientific medical model that addiction is a disease. It also sounds like it is also an abstinence based program that discourages the use of alcohol or drugs. Some programs tout that once you are "cured" you can then return to social use. While this may work for a small percentage of the population, for many - any use will reawaken the addictive tendencies.
In life there are rules...lots of them, legal ones, moral ones, social ones, etc. Whatever recovery program he is in is going to have some rules. I'm sure a group of mean stupid people don't sit around and make up rules just to eff with their clients. Whatever the rules are, they are based on what they have seen to give their clients the most chance at success.
Many alcoholics are emotionally stunted at the age they started abusing, he may be trying to push the envelope to see what he can get away with. He may be bored with the program and maybe adding another component would keep him interested. But whatever he's doing is working so far and that's a good thing.
You could express your concerns, once, calmly...anything more is trying to micromanage. And then he is going to do what he's going to do and it's out of your hands...as it should be. He knows the benefits and repercussions of his choices and is capable of finding his way. Trust the process.
It sounds like your husband is in an evidence based program that follows the scientific medical model that addiction is a disease. It also sounds like it is also an abstinence based program that discourages the use of alcohol or drugs. Some programs tout that once you are "cured" you can then return to social use. While this may work for a small percentage of the population, for many - any use will reawaken the addictive tendencies.
In life there are rules...lots of them, legal ones, moral ones, social ones, etc. Whatever recovery program he is in is going to have some rules. I'm sure a group of mean stupid people don't sit around and make up rules just to eff with their clients. Whatever the rules are, they are based on what they have seen to give their clients the most chance at success.
Many alcoholics are emotionally stunted at the age they started abusing, he may be trying to push the envelope to see what he can get away with. He may be bored with the program and maybe adding another component would keep him interested. But whatever he's doing is working so far and that's a good thing.
You could express your concerns, once, calmly...anything more is trying to micromanage. And then he is going to do what he's going to do and it's out of your hands...as it should be. He knows the benefits and repercussions of his choices and is capable of finding his way. Trust the process.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
That rule actually seems helpful. Not for making people avoid alcohol, but because it forces the alcoholic to start communicating their needs with others.
The King Baby with the ego has to politely say they won't be able to attend. Or ask their friend not to drink in front of them. Or discuss what they need for their sobriety with a spouse, family, loved ones.
In other words, the A has to take off the mask and be vulnerable and open.
The fact that your husband won't do that is not a good sign, but sobriety is a process. For some people, relapse is part of that process. And keep in mind, the ones who stay sober for life still carry their personality flaws right along with them!!
The King Baby with the ego has to politely say they won't be able to attend. Or ask their friend not to drink in front of them. Or discuss what they need for their sobriety with a spouse, family, loved ones.
In other words, the A has to take off the mask and be vulnerable and open.
The fact that your husband won't do that is not a good sign, but sobriety is a process. For some people, relapse is part of that process. And keep in mind, the ones who stay sober for life still carry their personality flaws right along with them!!
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